When do they F'ing stop the crap?! Just need to rant really.........

[talie101]

We are nearly 4 years down the line...when he first left me for OW I seriously hit rock bottom and was ready to end it all!...but no, I've picked myself up and come along way...so why the 'F' does he continue to chip away at me.....can someone please tell this T@sser to leave me alone and get on with the life he chose! I really want to get on with my life and do so mostly without him affecting me but now and again he manages to tip me over the edge again and I'm sick of it!

He's kicking up fuss about having more access to children (started again when I rejected him!), so I asked him if he was having dd's overnight his last access...he declined and TOLD me when he would have them next! I now find out that he went to watch the Rugby instead! Is this a man who puts his children first? We were working towards giving him more access but because of abuse in the past, I am reluctant to give in when he TELLS me he will have them as I see it not as pacifying the situation but as giving him permission to continue bullying me whenever he sees fit and he would never be off my case! I do know that it angers him more when he feels that I'm going against him though, so I'm in a no win situation!

I've just informed him (2 wks notice) that dd's have a party his next visit...usually practice (with his agreement) is they can attend parties and Saturday access is changed to Sunday access and vice versa according to when party is. Yes, I know it is his access time but this is how things have worked well between us.

As he is being a total A/hole at the minute he has told me NO, they can't go because HE has PROMISED them overnight stay!

Please tell me if I am wrong here but....

a) why should I have to tell my dd's they cannot go (I did mention it was daddy's weekend and I would have to find out because I knew he would be difficult this time...to have my dd's upset and say "I don't want to go to daddy's, I want to go to the party")...they have always been allowed to go in the past!
b) why when the dd's are going through a rough patch because of his actions should I risk upsetting them even further? Surely keeping their routine is important?
c) why should he get away with 'promising' his children overnight stay when he has not ok'd this with me?

I am sick to death of picking up the pieces with him and bearing the brunt of his actions. I am sick to death of all the fighting and nastiness, of him trying to get the better or me, of the bullying and manipulation into doing what he wants, of him making me out to be the bad parent, of him continually trying to put the blame for him leaving on me...the list is endless! Some days he causes me to really wish I was dead and then I get very sad that I could even think that because the love for my children totally wins over those thoughts.

If anyone out there can grant me one wish.... I would wish that all exes would just please be amicable, to treat each other with a bit of respect as adults/parents, to stop the bitterness/hurt that you may feel and just get on with the life you choose.... for the sake of the children!

UNHAPPY PARENTS = UNHAPPY CHILDREN?!

[talie101]

Sorry... probably wrong word to use but my ex does not compromise ....it's his way or not at all.

[lostdad]

`Surely he has to give a little here as well .... why is it always the woman who has to do the compromising for the sake of the children?! '

Always?

[talie101]

Just to clarify a few points....I didn't arrange for the party to be on his access day, just happened that way....I'm just unhappy that for all this time he has been HAPPY to change days with me, as things do have to work both ways dont they and he quite often asks me to change as well, which I have always done in return. If he is not getting at me 'yet again'...why the sudden change?...it hurts the children, and that hurts me.

I have told them they cannot go because it's daddies day and have had tears galore...why shouldn't he bear the brunt as it was his decision?!

Ok, if I suggest he takes them (which he wont!) etc and follow that advice, do I also give in to his bullying and allow him to have overnight access that he TOLD me would start that day (and that he says he promised them...without consulting or agreeing it with me first)!!!

I really don't want to be petty or awkward here but if he wants to play by the rules of the Court Order which states alternate Sats 9am-4pm ....and "any other times as agreed by both parties"....should I stand my ground and keep to the said 9am-4pm only and await his solicitors letters to agree to the start up the overnight stays again?

Surely he has to give a little here as well .... why is it always the woman who has to do the compromising for the sake of the children?!

[Tinkerbel6]

talie if there is a court order in place and a party falls on that day and time then your ex should be able to take your daughter to the party and bring her home after, he would be within his rights to refuse the party if he wanted too cause it falls in his time, I cant see how it would be crossing over into your life though as its not as if you are holding the party and he is coming into your house. It seems like he wants more access to your children and its nothing to do with winding you up, if you put your foot down completely he could take you back to court and most probably get every other weekend, I really think it should be you that tells your daughters they cant go to the party as you arranged it on your ex's access day, although your ex is wrong for telling them he will be having them overnight when he hasn't been authorised too.

[gillybean2]

He's not crossing over into your life though really, he's being involved in the children's life more. Yes that might involve him meeting a few of her friends and by virtue some of their parents who you are also friends with. But is that really such a big deal? In reality most people at these things don't talk to each other much unless they already know each other. And if ds isn't invited then your ex will be unlikely to stay at the party as he'll have to go and do something to keep ds entertained at the same time.

Imo you can't complain that DD is missing out and yet refuse to allow what needs to be done to ensure she goes to the party other than changing the day which seems to suit you more than it does him.

Also if you are working towards more contact then you are going to have to accept he will become more involved in their lives.

What matters more here, dd getting to go to a party she really wants to go to, or you wanting to keep your ex away from your friends who he may or may not meet at this party?

In all likelyhood he won't take her anyhow will he?

Gilly

[lou33]

ah ok, sorry , i misunderstood

[talie101]

Neva...Court Order states contact alternate Saturdays 9am-4pm, and any other times agreed by both parties..... I do not have to contact him at any other time I guess but have been trying to be amicable and work towards him having more contact.... and changing from Sats to Sundays has benefited him too when he needs to change...ie he wants to go out/has to work/wants to watch the Rugby! etc

Lou33...he could take them to party, but am reluctant for him to crossover into my life....I have not mentioned to him having them overnight that weekend, nor did I agree when HE TOLD ME he was having them! He is purely trying to rile me at every opportunity at the minute! Pay back time I guess for his hurt pride as I rejected him when he hinted at coming back!

[mankymummy]

its unlikely he'll change but cant you set up a regular set schedule of when he's going to see DCs? that way theres nothing to argue over, its worked with my exP who is a total a*rse too.

[glitterfairy]

talie101 I so understand that you dont want him to even know where this party is or get involved with the responses. THis is especially so when there has been abuse because every chink becomes a gaping wound.

Gilly that is really nice wording.

[lou33]

2.5 yrs here and teh crap is still ongoing, though mostly i find great comedy value in his attitude, aside from the effect it has on the kids

can't he take them to the party then onto his for the overnight stay?

[neva]

That is nicely worded Gillybean. Talie, would you benefit from a regular contact arrangement ie one that does not have to be discussed in advance? For me, the big advantage of a fixed fortnightly arrangement is that it cuts out the need for communication. A fixed arrangement does mean my dd sometimes misses out on events she would like to go to, if he cannot take her. At the moment, she and I just accept that. Would be different if it was a really important family occasion though.

[talie101]

Thanks for the good advice GB2 but I'm really reluctant to let him crossover into my life any more than he is already.

Don't really want to go into details, and this does seem the easiest solution but just don't want him mixing in my circle of friends. For my own sanity, when my door is closed to him on return of the children he knows nothing about who I'm with, what I'm doing, who my friends are (although he has on several occasions laughed and said I don't have any!) etc and I really like it that way.

I'm just so angry that he is taking this out on the dd's because he has an issue with me!

...do I have to live the rest of my life with sh't from him or will he eventually tire of oneupmanship and start giving a little instead of always taking?!

[gillybean2]

Why can't he take them to the party? As a parent he should be making time for such things. Pass the invitation to him, tell him to contact the other parent with the rsvp and tell him your dd wants to go and if he isn't prepared to take her in his time (which still means he can have them overnight) then he has to explain that one to her.

Word it nicely though so he can't complain.

Dear [ex]

Up until now we have always agreed to change the contact arrangements so the children can attend parties without you missing the full amount of your contact time with them by simply swaping the day they come to you. This has always worked well and ensured the children do not miss out either on parties or on seeing you.

However, following our conversation on this matter, I acknowledge that you do not wish to change the arrangements on this occassion as you will be having the children overnight and it would therefore reduce your contact time to do so.

As the party will fall within your contact time I therefore enclose the invitation and leave the arrangements to attend (or not) up to you. Please could you rsvp as requested on the invitation so the the party host is aware of your decision.

Althought it is your choice what the children do in their time with you please be aware that [child] has expressed a great wish to attend this party and has been very upset to think she might not be able to go. I therefore ask you to consider her wishes when making your decision.

I have told [child] that, as the party will be during the time she is with you, that it is ultimately your decision as to whether she is able to attend and that I therefore can not confirm either way for her. Please would you speak to her about this and let her know your decision so she can know for certain what that decision is. I suggest that you telephone her on [day and time] to do this.

Please be aware that the birthday boy/girl is into [barbie/cars/high school musical] and will be [age] years old. I am letting you know this in order to help you with choosing a gift and card should you decide to take [child] to the party.

Yours sincerely
[you]