Just need to talk and opinions

[Verylost81]

sorry for a bad title and that I have posted this on the dadsnet topic page as well (doesn't seem be used) but I'm struggling, me and my partner have been together for 17+ years 3 children. The last 2 weeks she has been more distant than ever in this time I was going to work and saw a message and yes I could have ignored but I didn't and saw messages between her and her friend saying how much she likes this guy and it excites them, with the friend who I never speak to say get rid of me. I approached her about this but All I got is that it's only talk and nothing has happened but loves me but not in love with me and she has been like this a while and she doesn't want to work on it.

This has happened twice before but I really thought it would have been different. I asked her why she couldn't talk to me as apparently she is my best friend but there was no answer to this. I asked why talk to her friend about it and they just said because and that they hate me ( don't know why but this really hurts too )I asked why but it's obvious if you never say anything about good traits I'd always look bad if it's always moaning.

I'll be honest me and my partner have had a tough few years but she is and has been very unwell with her thyroid and now weighs about 7 stone, every day during these years I've been more of a home carer (when she is not working and she does work hard) as she is always tired which is understandable so I will do the cooking, bits of shopping, put the kids to bed, meet her if her bags to heavy, hold her hand if her hands have gone white (Reynard's). My partner (or ex 100%) didn't do anything to help her illness and that was not all on her the NHS is a mess and her consultant doesn't do anything (no answer to a blood test in 3/4 year) but she never chases anything even though I try to push her to as I'm so scared she will end up dying. I also think everyone can do more in a relationship

I told her that as it is my mortgage and I pay all the bills including her mobile that if she doesn't want to work on it and maybe some counselling then she only has one option and that is she needs to leave me, she suggested cohabitation but after less that 12 hours of kind agreeing that it was to painful for me and I'd only make her hate me more as I'd be on constant hope. She said she understands and the children will stay with me until she is not in a friends spare room (zero savings I've told her she has 100%access to the children day or night and would hope that she can keep talking to me (I've noticed it's already only are the kids ok messages when she is not in the house)

She is a great mum who loves our children very much and I think cares for me. I would never stand in her way of happiness but at the same time I love her so much, we are having the talk with the children thing tonight where I have told her she needs to be honest that mummy doesn't love daddy like she used to which she says she agrees with.

I'm just so scared I'm giving in with trying to see her happy, as she has told me she has had depression in the past and lied to the GP and with all she is going through with her thyroid.

I know there will be no right answer to any of this but she is my world at the same time and don't want our children to say next week or year or ten years you should have done more dad to fight for her.

Id love anyone's opinion as talking really helps me and my partner/ex isn't that type of person.

Sorry for the all of text and Mish mash of paragraphs was just talking with my fingers.

[Happyinarcon]

saw messages between her and her friend saying how much she likes this guy and it excites them, with the friend who I never speak to say get rid of me

You randomly saw these messages? Do you have her phone pin number or something? Am I the only one on mums net who never sees random conversation chains on my partners phone?

[Verylost81]

Yes the phone is on our bedside table the phone flashed up next to my glasses and the message was there, very difficult to ignore get rid of me. But you are probably right i shouldn't have looked.

[Timeforabiscuit]

I am so sorry this is happening, especially when you're supporting her through an illness as well.

She has checked out of the relationship so now it's focusing on moving forward, how old are your children? If cohabitation isn't going to work, then it needs to be really clearly communicated what's going to be happening and that it isn't their fault at all.

If she isn't taking care of her health, it's unlikely she will want to have relationship counselling - but has this been explored as a possibility?

[CadyEastman]

I don't think waiting till tonight is good timing. The DC will have very little time to process the news before bedtime and school tomorrow

I'd also tell their schools what's happening as it's obviously going to affect them.

[Timeforabiscuit]

Agree that before bed is not great timing, try early afternoon and doing something normal and family orientated after - stick to your normals routines as far as possible.

[Verylost81]

16, 6 and 4. I asked if we can do counselling and she said she doesn't want which is again her choice, I will be doing so.

I wanted to tell the children the last 2 days but she has not been here for the last 36 hours with work and her pre arranged day/night away. Luckily they don't back till Tuesday but the school is open for teacher training and I'm hoping I can speak to someone then.

But this evening is the last opportunity as she doesn't want to go to work upset (in 2 hours) and won't be back till after tea/dinner

[cerisepanther73]

@Verylost81

it's all too easy to get stuck in a rut in life and relantships too,
and one person in relantship or both to take each other for granted,
.I do feel you are being taking for granted here
obviously i only have your side of the relantship dynamics equation,

I am bit Wary of outside people influencing relantships in adverse way through bitter personal experiences,


However I think it can be beneficial and healthy too to have friends either gender whilst in relantship,
depends on that dynamics too,
as safety valve to hopefully help prevent too much emeshment co dependency in a relationship,
as you are still individuals,
obviously co dependency can happen in friendships too,

I really don't like the bad mouthing aspect your partner says about you or her gay friend says?🤔
Obviously that's not good,

Is it worth rescuing this relationship as this has been reoccurring thing pattern this unpleasantness ?..
I wonder what's behind this cynical jaded attitude like that then?

Would you or your partner be willing to be emotionally invested to give your relationship a second chance then?
and get necessary relationship counselling therapy and be up for refreshing breathing new life in this relationship by exploring dynamically different ways to revive the relationship such as doing activities together such as joining a healthspa facilities together or and going for a breaks together somewhere good reasonably priced etc,

You relationship sounds like a struggling stale one,

Obviously your partner needs thyroid issues properly and effectively in medical and Holistic way such as looking at healthy nutrition food etc .

[cerisepanther73]

@Verylost81

Do you have enough practical and emotional support in regards of family life as a unit then?

[Verylost81]

Unfortunately she has no family all are deceased at a young age for her and her elder sister we see once a year, I'm talking to my father a lot which is helping but I always worry about it not being impartial advice.

[CadyEastman]

It's a shame she is not seeing more of her DSister.

She does have friends though? Who has she been away with this weekend?

[Verylost81]

Her work colleagues.

[rosygirl14]

This happens so much in relationships when you’ve been together a long time, someone gets bored and starts looking elsewhere. They always think the grass is greener, and it probably seems that way as it’s new and exciting. But it never lasts. I guarantee if you went ahead and split within a few months she’d be running back.