Recent split- where do we live?!

[paintedsnipe]

I’ll try and keep this short but I’m in a quandary. My partner and I are in crisis & I think about to split for good. We have a two year old together, he also has children from a previous relationship, one of whom lives with him full time.

We were living in his place. I own a property in a much cheaper area about 2.5 hours away which I was renting out.

Now me & our toddler have moved out, currently sofa surfing with family & trying to decide where to live.

Option A, rent somewhere near my ex. It’s super expensive (renting out my 2-bed property would cover about half the rent of a 1-bed flat), but it’s where my closest friends are, where my part-time job is (which I love) & close to my siblings. Most importantly it’s near my ex so there’d be some chance of regular breaks from parenting for me & meaningful relationship with their dad for my toddler. He’s unable to move because his older child is in secondary school locally & a school move would be a disaster for them.

Option B, move 2.5 hours away and back into my place. It’s currently let short term so I wouldn’t be kicking anyone out. I’d be near my parents- we have a complicated relationship but they would provide some/occasional help with childcare. Life would be cheaper & simpler in some ways. But I wouldn’t have my job (which is v fulfilling for me although not well paid) & there are limited opportunities for me at option B. I have some friends here who might develop into closer friendships if I was around. But there’d be no chance of shared custody and realistically our toddler’s relationship with their dad (& half sibling) would probably become insignificant in time.

what do we do? My heart is with option A but financially option B makes more sense. I feel completely stuck & can’t seem to make a decision.

[MissScarletInTheBallroom]

What does your partner want?

[TeaKitten]

Does the dad not want to see your 2 year old? Can’t see why you moving away would mean your ex wouldn’t still go for 50/50 unless he doesn’t want to.

But asides from that it sounds like A is where your heart and life is, short term it’s a pain to rent but long term could you sell your house in area B and use the money towards a deposit where you live? If ex doesn’t have 50/50 he will still have to pay maintenance which would help towards rent. Moving back to your own house sounds a little loanly to be honest.

[TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled]

Discuss a proper schedule of parenting between you both. Set nights each week. Agree to that then decide. If be only wants to be Disney dad and parent at weekends, and dont give up both, you might as well move.

and rethink the job. You need to provide for a child now. You need decent pay, not to be fulfilled at work.

[paintedsnipe]

My job isn’t well paid but it is term time only which will make life considerably easier (& cheaper) in the future. Also I’m not really qualified for anything better paid, unless you know of anything that doesn’t require specific qualifications/experience and is flexible enough for a single parent?

[paintedsnipe]

I don’t really know what my partner wants. He keeps avoiding the conversation. I think he probably doesn’t want 50/50 but is ashamed to admit it. I’m trying to get him to sit down & discuss it.

[paintedsnipe]

Thank you for replying, I’m pretty scared & heartbroken at the moment.

[TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled]

If you state 50/50 week on / week off and you can then look for jobs with hours that dont have to be flexible enough for school hours only, so more money to pay for wrap-around care and local to him. You need to think beyond the immediate now you're a single parent. What are your qualifications in? Surely the skills are transferable.

youre thinking of staying close, renting, remaining poorly paid, being worse off, and doing the majority of the childcare and parenting. While this is where a lot of women with deadbeat ex's end up, don't start there! Start with asking him what he proposes his days are etc.

[TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled]

Actually, scrap what I said previously. Ive reread and remember your previous thread.

go back to the flat and surround yourself with positive people.

how often does he see his children that he doesnt live with?

[paintedsnipe]

He’s sees them for about 50% of the holidays. They adore him & in some ways he’s a very important part of their lives but they were old enough to remember living with him, it wouldn’t be like that for our toddler.

[TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled]

@paintedsnipe

He’s sees them for about 50% of the holidays. They adore him & in some ways he’s a very important part of their lives but they were old enough to remember living with him, it wouldn’t be like that for our toddler.

Which is probably a good thing for your toddler.

does he not see them regularly during term time? Is he simply good-time dad and not dealing with school runs, clubs and homework dad?

do what works for you as of this is the case, he wont be much use

[paintedsnipe]

He lives about 4.5 hours away from them so no he doesn’t see them during term time.

[TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled]

@paintedsnipe

He lives about 4.5 hours away from them so no he doesn’t see them during term time.

How did he end up so far away from them?

it is really important in this initial stage, when you are making life changing decisions while very vulnerable, that you think things through thoroughly.

[Elephantswillnever]

I think I’d move back to your flat there’s a lot to be said for low costs of living. You can probably pick up alternative work there. Consider doing an ou degree etc. It doesn’t need to be forever but it doesn’t sound like you can afford expensive rent, you won’t get UC as own another property and he isn’t going to step up so you can improve your prospects.

[paintedsnipe]

Yes I think this is probably right and moving back makes sense. I’m just not looking forward to the prospect of solo parenting. Is it awful?

[Slum]

Do you need to make a decision straight away? Can you stay with your temporary arrangements of staying with family a bit longer to give you some time. It is difficult to make important decisions when you are feeling upset and vulnerable.
But also whatever you decide is not forever- until your son starts school it is easier to move again if the choice you make now turns out not to be what you want in a years time.

[Slum]

There are also a lot of good things about being a lone parent!

[TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled]

@paintedsnipe

Yes I think this is probably right and moving back makes sense. I’m just not looking forward to the prospect of solo parenting. Is it awful?

It is better than parenting with an arsehole daily. And at least the benefit of this one is you know he quickly loses interest and wont actually do the parenting, as you have witnessed it. Get into a good rountine for you and your dd. Get a good support network going. At one point we had friends with children the same age as ours and arrangements to take them both for sleepovers to give each couple a break. Build your village wisely.

[paintedsnipe]

Yes true. My dc isn’t due to start reception till September ‘26 so I’ve got a bit of time if I feel like I’ve made the wrong choice. Keeping my current job is the only thing that’s now or never I guess.