Ex husband made daughter make his partner a mothers day card but refused to let her make me one.

[DecemberRose19]

Apparently he sat her down and asked her to make his partner a mothers day card. DD said she wanted to make me one too and he said no. I find this so upsetting because 1) it puts DD in a very confusing and conflicting situation (she said she felt bad but I reassured her that she had done absolutely nothing wrong) and 2) it stung as I have noone to help my daughter make a card or get a present etc, surely he could have let her make me one too?
Also the card apparently said to mummy, not thanks for being a great step mum or something.
I'm glad she has a good relationship with his new partner but surely this is just inappropriate? I should mention this won't have come from a good place either, he's a very nasty man and most likely knew it would get back to me and was designed to hurt.
I'm not sure whether to say anything as that is likely what he wants, but I'm so annoyed that my daughter was put in this situation. It feels very manipulative (different situation entirely if she had suggested doing it herself)
Any advice? :(

[NigelHarmansNewWife]

I think you are right - how old is your daughter? Is your ex making her call his partner mummy and has she said anything about this element of things herself?

[Chocolateorange11]

Your ex is a dick. Leave him to it because you cannot possibly reason with that level of stupid…

Your response was great. I know now quite the same, but you can make the card with her. I bet she would really enjoy it! And then as she gets older she will be able to make it herself.

[Strugglingtodomybest]

I agree with @Chocolateorange11 . If he's expecting a response I wouldn't give him one. I love the idea of sitting down with her and making one. Could you make one for your mother at the same time?

[Anameisaname]

Sadly some exes are like this.
Since the year that my ex asked me to pay him back for the flowers he bought for the DC to give me for mother's day. I just said please don't bother ever again. Same for birthdays.

Ideas for your DD ... Do you have a relative or family friend who can help DD make or buy a card for you? Otherwise you can help DD by leaving out the paper and pens and maybe even a blank card and then she can draw it in and then put in envelope. Depending on age. For birthday presents, again have a relative or friend ask DD what she wants to get you or what I used do is buy a present for myself and then wrap it and they'd give it to the DC to give to me (DC don't know I bought it obvs). You soon realise it's just a day. My most precious moments are the hugs I used to get on mother day and snuggling in bed together.

In terms of saying anything to your ex. Personally I'd not bother. If he's nasty or vindictive there's just no point. Don't let him taint any card or participate or even be aware of what your DD writes in your card.
Yes it was inappropriate for him to write mummy in the step mum card, and as DD gets older she will start to push back on this stuff. Just gloss over and don't pay attention to it. It's hurtful of course, I remember my DC "buying " something expensive for their step mum with my Ex when he wouldn't even help them buy me a present even if I gave them the money. BTW I used to get revenge by helping them to buy super crap presents for him that I knew he'd hate by taking them to a rubbish shop and asking them to choose something for him so it was their choice haha!

[DecemberRose19]

@Chocolateorange11

Your ex is a dick. Leave him to it because you cannot possibly reason with that level of stupid…

Your response was great. I know now quite the same, but you can make the card with her. I bet she would really enjoy it! And then as she gets older she will be able to make it herself.

Yes that's very true, and she says she wants to make me one.
Thanks for your kind words about my response- I worry I add to the confusion as I think when she told me she could see on my face it upset me but I immediately said she hadn't done anything wrong, I was just a bit shocked. He really is a dick

[Cbljgdpk]

That’s awful but I wouldn’t give him the response he wants. Maybe for next year prepare your daughter in some way ahead of time. I hope school help your DD do something and treat yourself on the day too.

[DecemberRose19]

@NigelHarmansNewWife

I think you are right - how old is your daughter? Is your ex making her call his partner mummy and has she said anything about this element of things herself?

She is 6. I'm not aware of him making her call her mummy but I know he calls her her step mum. I guess that's sort of normal but it started very quickly. They are expecting and he has made comments about how DD won't see the baby much, despite it being his choice to move away and reduce contact time. I also think this is unfair as it makes DD worry :(

[Cbljgdpk]

Also his new partner will probably feel weird about it too.

[foghead]

Your poor Dd. Your ex sounds pretty awful.
Your Dd obviously wants to do something special for you.
Sorry you haven't got anyone to help out but there's nothing wrong with you helping out. Give your Dd the time and space to make a card and maybe let her bake or help bake a cake, or buy nice breakfast ingredients and have a lovely Mother's Day breakfast with her. There's no rule that says it has to be a surprise.

Don't bother giving ex the satisfaction and saying anything to him.

[Scarletttulips]

Well if won’t teach her then you’ll have to step up and help her make your day special.

My friend does a pink breakfast on Mother’s Day and they buy pink food and pink milkshakes - strawberries pancakes marshmallows- you get the idea!

let her choose some chocolates for you and give her the money to pay at the till.

[Stressfordays]

He's doing it for a reaction from you so I'd ignore and just reassure DD that it's ok. I'd try and provide her opportunities to make you a card or buy you a present. By either leaving things out so she can make it or asking a friend or relative.

I find friends/relatives if asked would jump at the chance to make sure you got something. I know I would!

[takemeawayagain]

I think this is the point where you learn that there is no low your ex won't stoop to. If you're in that mindset then nothing with surprise or shock you and you can just concentrate on having a lovely time with your daughter all organised by you. Don't engage with him, it'll just encourage him. So many lovely ideas here for how you can make it special for you and dd.

[Loubelle70]

Hes just sucking up to his OH so he gets his d*ck serviced.
I see hear this a lot with men who are in new relationships. Cringey

[Copperoliverbear]

Tell you husband outright, you partner is not my daughter mother I am, don't get her to make her cards and not me you narcissistic cunt and If you carry on with your shit, I will move miles away and you will have to fight me in court for access, just remember you prick I am the one who holds all the cards not you.

[Roryhon]

You’ve got to just roll your eyes at how pathetic it is really. You’ll always be her mother, whatever he tries to make her call her stepmum (and I’m saying this as a stepmum). My husband’s ex did this when she was with her second husband. She insisted that my stepson came back early from our house on Father’s Day so he could go out with her and his stepdad on Father’s Day. It didn’t last long. They split up a few years later so the forced “new dad” obviously stopped.

[Roryhon]

@Copperoliverbear

Tell you husband outright, you partner is not my daughter mother I am, don't get her to make her cards and not me you narcissistic cunt and If you carry on with your shit, I will move miles away and you will have to fight me in court for access, just remember you prick I am the one who holds all the cards not you.

Yes that will help. Not. 🤣

[BreakingAndBroke]

I think the stepmum would feel weird about it too. Especially if she is expecting a new baby and probably has ideas of who her first mother's day card would be from and when.

I agree with previous posts - do not give him the response he so clearly desires.

Make your own card together or do something completely non-card related like get a pillowcase and let her design a mother's day picture on that with fabric pens or something.