Any fully lone parents with no family support here who work full time? I just don't think I can do it

[Cafelattes]

I am widowed, one dc aged nearly 5, I have zero childcare support from family (sadly, they live locally but won't help). A few months ago I started a new job that took me from 4 days a week to 5. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but it was a pay increase too, and a mostly wfh role, so I thought I'd find a way to make it work.

But... I don't think I can. I'm just so exhausted and I cannot stay on top of the work at all. It's a technical role and by Friday I'm so drained it's like my brain just can't do it anymore. Then I have my dc all weekend so I can't switch off or catch up. It's 50/50 whether I'll even pass probation.

Anyone else working ft in this situation, how do you do it? I'm gutted because the extra money makes a big difference but I don't think I can live like this.

[Jennyjojo5]

It is really really hard.. no one does it and says it’s simple or that they love it. I did it since my kids were babies and mine was also a job which required a lot of focus etc.(they are now 18 and 22)

I always looked at it like ‘I have no choice. No one else is going to put food on the table except me’. I just Carried on; sadly there is no other magic solution unlesss you’re in the position to be able to reduce your hours or change your job. It sucks

however, keeping on going meant that I built up my career, bought a house, had nice holidays and was able to afford to do nice things with my boys at the weekends.

[Ivesaidenough]

I think of it in a similar way to pp, I just have no choice. Does your DC go to after school clubs/ breakfast club? I found that really helped.
I'm afraid I have also accepted I will never be promoted as I can't go the extra mile.
Oh, and every single shortcut you can think of e.g. meals that take 15 minutes. Don't change their clothes unless really dirty. That kind of thing.

[Rectanglelights]

Signing in, I haven't seen or spoken anyone other than DD since the start of half term other than people in shops and the amazon man. Oh, I attempted to go to church but they generally ignore me too. I feel very, very down and tired today. Work tomorrow so it'll be an early night for me.

My parents come occasionally but they offer no help and make a mess. They were meant to come today and I was starting to prepare a roast when I got a call to say that they don't fancy it now. At least this time I was able to save the extra as normally they either don't turn up or tell me as I have already started cooking. I'd have loved to have had some company for a few hours and the DDs are upset, confused and keep asking what's wrong.

I tell myself that it won't always be this hard. Until then, rest when you can and try to be the best mother. Oh, and remember, children can help with chores quite early in life.

[BumperCars]

It is so hard, l have been a lone widowed parent for over 10 years now, no support whatsoever and just expected to keep up. I feel l am just expected to carry on like a two parent family, in every aspect. Nobody sees all the balls l do manage to keep in air, but only the one l drop. I am expected to be happy with a life no one else would be. It's been work, work, work. I also had a child that suffered MH issues in his early teens, that in itself almost finished me off, no help to be found. It is starting to get a bit easier now my children are older and more independent, but it has been relentless.
No sympathy even from older widows, if l try and empathise with them l get told Its alright for you, your still young".
I just go from day to day, l do my best but l can't do it all. That's good enough.

[Jennyjojo5]

Also I’ve learned to ignore what others say.. I have a handful of married or entirely single friends. I’m known for being untidy (not dirty just naturally an untidy person ). I’ve had a couple friends joke about my car needing a clean and I’m like ‘yea well a clean car is kinda absolutely the last thing on my list when I’m on my own doing school runs, working full time, helping with homework, ensuring the kids eat healthy dinners, food shopping, keeping the house clean, ferrying the kids to clubs etc’

a friends husband made a dig last year how my garden was untidy and needed weeding. I was furious ; when the f*ck does anyone think I get the time to prioritise de weeding my garden?! I’d like to see anyone keeping a showroom standard house, garden and car when they are full time working as a lone parent. In fact that very same man lives with his wife and 2 adult kids in a shit hole mess of a house and mine is immaculate in comparison!

[Cafelattes]

I'm reassured in a way that it's not a "me" problem finding it so tough but sorry you are or have gone through this crap.

I need to do some serious thinking as financially I was managing doing 4 days a week but it wasn't the quality of life I wanted. This new job means I can stay in my nicer area, take better holidays, treat myself etc. but it's coming at the cost of my quality of life (in other ways) and I'm no longer sure it's worth it.

[anotherdayanotherpathlesstravelled]

I have 2 year old twins and a 7 year old. Been alone for 18 months now. Well I say alone - their dad is "around" to the grand tune of 1 hour per fortnight so I do consider myself a sole parent. I work full time in a high pressured challenging professional job involving a fair amount of travel. Nearest family is 250 miles away

I'm exhausted and to be honest parenting feels like it's just something to survive at the moment and I hate that he has taken away that enjoyment.

I have to be super organised. Massive family planner on the wall 😂 I try and WFH one day per week and will batch cook on my lunch hour or do the big shop so it's done and I don't have to take the kids shopping on a weekend. I meal plan to reduce the stress in the week and to be able to not waste money.
Once the kids are in bed and if I've not fell asleep with them then I'll try and do an hour two extra work just to take the edge off the next day/later in the week

I pay a fortune in childcare as If trains get delayed etc than I'm in the shit - I'm very very lucky that the women who do my kids childcare are amazing and have stepped in and fed them dinner when I've been late due to trains/traffic - childcare you can trust and rely on is invaluable

I try and limit household chores at weekends to just one day so that there is at least one day where I get the kids out and do something even if it's just the park

[HowardsWayward]

Don't underestimate how exhausting starting a new job is. You have to concentrate on everything - people's names, the systems, the processes and that's before you get to the actual tasks.

Don't give up just yet. Have as much a relaxed weekend as possible. Can you sign the little one up for a sports activity. Something to tire them out and you have an hour of doing absolutely nothing?

[StopGo]

I'm a mum and a widow. DM died recently but didn't want to help. Lovely MIL is in another country so is limited in help she can offer. It's hard but what can any of us do except cope? I truly empathise.

[Wildhorses2244]

I’m not a lone parent but my kids dad involvement is pretty minimal.

Its hard, and there’s no magic solution. I work part time - I found that full time gave me no chance to catch my breath.

If you’ve been in the job a few months now can you book a couple of days holiday whilst dd is at school to let you rest and catch up? I know that holiday is so precious but it feels like maybe you need to prioritise yourself.

I don’t suppose that your current job would let you drop down to 4 days at all?

[Flangeosaurus]

Could you do compressed hours into 4 days? Appreciate that might be difficult with childcare. Even if you had every other Friday off it wouldn’t impact your pay too much.

[Whattodo112222]

I don't have local family and single parent. Dad is a waste of skin but has day contact only.

I'm fortunate my DD goes to a really lovely school and the circle of mum friends is so invaluable. Some help me with pick ups on certain days, I sometimes do drop offs for some mums kids as I wfh most days too.

Its so valuable having a good network of mum friends.

I get it though, its very tough.

Give yourself more credit though, most people find it tough xxx

[Astrid01]

I'm not a fully lone parent as DC's dad has them every other weekend but I completely sympathise with you with working FT and no other help.
Things I've done to make my life easier are supermarket deliveries, plan easier meals/ food prep for an hour on Sundays, de clutter (easier to tidy) and get the DC involved in housework.
I also use before/after school care so I'm not trying to work with them at home and can switch from work mode to mum mode.

[Navyblueblazer]

Are you networked with any of these organizations? Can you perhaps find another young widow within a reasonable distance who could share childcare so you could each have alternate Saturdays off or similar?

https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/support-for-you/family-life/bereavement-support/widowed-young-support/

https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

https://sudden.org/bereavement-organisations/widowed-young-helping-young-widows-and-widowers-cope-with-life-after-death/

[Username620]

I was a lone parent from when my DC was 2, exH didn’t see DC or pay maintenance so I had to work full time. This was 23 years ago, i could have gone back to UK for family support but thought DC would have a better life here in Europe. It was hard, I had a good creche.
I was exhausted, falling asleep on the sofa every evening but I’ve managed to do well in my career, doubled my salary and have my own house. We’ve had some great holidays too.
It is hard and I empathise with you, it does get easier.
With your extra money, get yourself a cleaner - that was the best thing I ever did. It was worth the money every week. I was lucky and she came on a Friday afternoon meaning everything was fine for the weekend. She did my ironing as well which was a life saver.

[FedUpMumof10YO]

Single parent here too. I work 1 FT role and 2x PT. It's hard & the guilt unreal. I do it because I have to. The COL has caned most of us.

[Navyblueblazer]

@Username620 agreed. Getting a cleaner (if you can afford it) has saved the sanity of many families.

[coxesorangepippin]

Cleaner

Outsource what you can

Low key weekends

[Imustgoforarun]

Appreciate it’s not ideal but could you get a gardener once a month and a cleaner fortnightly? That’s what I did, it helped. I did very little cleaning 🧼 between. I tidied up. Meal box once a fortnight to give me a break from thinking.

[itsallabitofamystery]

I was alone for 5 years OP with kids age 8 and 4 at the time. It's hard work, but it can be done. Best tip is to get a cleaner, even if it's just a few hours a week. Get them to come on a Friday so when you finally down tools at the end of the week it's all done for you. Also, meal plan. I didn't do the batch cooking as I like things fresh, but every week I had a plan and stuck to it. Online food shop, delivered at same time each week. And, get to bed at a decent time.

[Starseeking]

I have a Nanny for my DC. One has additional needs and needs an adult to be around at times of day which would otherwise make it impossible for me to work full-time.

It's expensive, so it may be worth looking into 2 or 3 days a week after school Nanny. Mine also does the odd overtime day at the weekend, which could give you some further respite.

[Galliano]

Not a lone parent so not as tough as you but I worked full time with three DC and a husband who worked away. This may or may not be doable but when I went back to work after DC3 I used to finish early on a Friday (flexible job as long as I worked core hours) and could get a nap for an hour before retrieving them all from nursery and out of school club at 6pm. Presume it must have been psychological but it did make a big difference to my ability to go into the weekend. It will honestly get easier as DC gets a little older as for you inviting one of his friends round might actually decrease workload when they occupy each other plus you'll also get some down time as he goes on return play dates. Plus you hopefully have a couple of years at least of drop and run whole class parties post reception 🤞🏻

[Cafelattes]

@Navyblueblazer i am, thank you

I've tried to build up a mum network/find reciprocal childcare but the need doesn't seem to be there. Almost all the single or lone parents I know have a family support network, including other widows. I only know 2 mums in my position, one has a child who is very hard work that I don't want to look after, and the other I set up two playdates with but it wasn't reciprocated so I don't think that will happen. I'm not there for most pick ups and drop offs so it's nearly impossible to meet new parent friends. I have a couple of married friends who've offered to help in emergencies but it's more regular breaks I need. I'm waiting it out until dd is older at this point.

I will look at a cleaner and meal delivery though.

[Navyblueblazer]

I knew a single mum with a demanding job and often when over to pick up my son or take her's somewhere she would have her week's food delivery outside. I admired her organization, but I am also pretty sure it was needs must so she could just be with her sons when she got home.

I am a married mum of 3 but when my kids were really small I would have a cleaner come once a week to throughly clean the bathrooms and wash the floors because it felt like those were the jobs I was often struggling to get to and definitely helped me keep on top of everything else. I would have friends who would say my house was clean and I would always remind them I had a cleaner and had help because I didn't want to mislead anyone into thinking I was "doing it all" (and demoralize another mum) as I most definitely wasn't! I also had a local uni student come and help during the "witching hours" of 4-7 when the kids were exhausted and I needed to make dinner, help with homework etc and wanted to do it without a baby on my hip and a toddler clinging to my leg! And I wasn't working outside the home, but the sleep deprivation was killing me!

I would get as much hands-on help as you can afford, it doesn't have to be forever. I am an immigrant and had no family or in-laws close, so never had any help unless we paid for it. DH is great and does whatever needs doing, but was working 6 days a week and long hours when our 3 were very small.

It's a rare woman who can "do it all" and it's not a competition, do whatever works for you.

I have a best friend who has 6 kids who were all home schooled and she cooked 3 meals from scratch every day! I am as far from her as it's possible to be!

[OhamIreally]

Look at it this way OP, you are expected to do 100% of the work with 50% of the workforce.

I'm not a fully lone parent in the way you are but ex only sees DD high days and holidays so on a day to day basis it wasn't much help. Family all hundreds of miles away.

DD is older now so it's not as full on but what I did was get a monthly pass with Ocado then I could have a delivery every day if I wanted as long as it was £40. I got everything from there - makeup, birthday cards and presents, everything. I never went shopping. DD has ADHD so shopping with her was a nightmare and made my head explode. I also had a cleaner who came on Monday. So I would come home from work on the Monday and it would be all clean and would more or less stay like that as we were out of the house all week.

As to work I negotiated two early finish days. So I worked 5 days but on Wednesday and Friday I finished at 3pm so could pick up DD from school twice a week and it just made the treadmill a bit more bearable. I never wanted a four day week as everyone says you just do the same job for less pay.

It's very hard OP. Almost every time DD went with her dad I would get ill and I think it was because I was running on adrenaline and fumes most of the time, and I realise you don't even have that.

Eating out was cheaper so we did go out to eat occasionally which gave me a break.