Struggling to adjust to life as a newly single mum

[ssunflowers]

I don't know what I'm trying to gain from this, maybe a hand hold? :(

Me and 17mo DD's dad have recently separated. To be honest I'm absolutely gutted but it is what it is. Long story short, he wasn't happy. A little shock as we had just taken a break from trying for baby #2. Anyway, I've struggled with anxiety and panic in the past but wow has it come back with a vengeance.

The anxiety is particularly bad in the evenings. I dread my DD going to bed. It took 6 weeks from him leaving to be able to sit in the living room at night because it felt so lonely.

I've been having a lot of panic attacks, am back on sertraline and am waiting for mindsmatter to contact me, so I've taken some action but I just thought if anyone who's been through similar and has come out the other side could tell me it's going to be okay, I might believe it.

I would love to have more children, meet someone, just have a happy family life. But that's just so hard to picture whilst I feel so alone. Grieving the family I thought I was going to have so bad.

[jo1bo]

Hi

i feel you. Newly single parent here too. Scared, frightened, unsure and grieving also. My kids are a bit older (11 & 7) but I feel that anxiety. I’m back on sertraline also and have been having terrible anxiety attacks. I keep telling myself that this is part of the process. To feel it all but try and not let it overwhelm me.

how are you today? Sending all the love in the world.xxx

[jo1bo]

somebody told me something, don’t wait for happiness, happiness will find you when you least expect it. Have you got support?

[UpUpUpU]

Have a hug OP. This was me 4 years ago.

slightly different in that I left my partner and moved myself and then 18 month old son into
our own place. This was end of Feb 2020 and then lockdown hit and I was all alone with my son, my grief for the relationship and awful anxiety.

i won’t lie, it was truly horrible and I sometimes wonder how I got through it, but I did! I took fluoxetine for the anxiety, got outside as much as I could and it did eventually help.

I have blanked a lot of that time out so not sure what helped and what didn’t, but I’m good now.

4 years on and I’m about to qualify as a midwife this summer. I have a new partner of 2 years and yesterday we booked our first abroad holiday together (he is a widower and has 2 children) and life is good!

You will get there OP. These early weeks and months are so so hard.

i now love living alone with just my son. Can’t imagine ever living with my partner but that’s because I’ve grown to love my freedom and I really hope you do too.

take each day at a time and know that one day soon things will improve. If you ever want to chat, please PM me.

sending you all the best x

[jo1bo]

This is heartening to hear. It feels so scary to begin again (me after 22 years with the same man!) but it also feels necessary.

thank you for sharing!
xx

[UpUpUpU]

@jo1bo

This is heartening to hear. It feels so scary to begin again (me after 22 years with the same man!) but it also feels necessary.

thank you for sharing!
xx

It’s a new beginning. You’ll learn so much about yourself and the freedom to do what ever you like. I have just turned 40 and do feel like my life is finally beginning.

Stay strong and take every opportunity. I have started new hobbies, picked up old ones and love the freedom. You wil hopefully start to love it too x

[ssunflowers]

Thanks both so much for replying on this post. @jo1bo even though our children are different ages it's just the reality of being the only parent in the home isn't it. Awful when a panic attack hits. I'm trying to stay positive today. It's my day off with DD, we've just been to view a nursery and we're going to get out for a walk I think. How are you feeling? X

@UpUpUpU that's amazing, this is just what I needed to hear. I'm starting a degree in building surveying this year so looking forward to having something to just take my mind off everything. Thankfully I bought the house before I met my ex so he's the one that's left. Happy for you meeting someone new and booking a lovely family hol x

[ssunflowers]

@jo1bo

This is heartening to hear. It feels so scary to begin again (me after 22 years with the same man!) but it also feels necessary.

thank you for sharing!
xx

22 years! So sorry that it's not worked out but like @UpUpUpU said, now's the time you can really 'find' yourself again. Sending love x

[UpUpUpU]

@ssunflowers congratulations on your degree place, It will be the making of you!

You sound really proactive and I dont doubt you’ll be fine.

With regards to evenings, I used to write a journal in the early days. Write down everything I felt and what I’d do the next day to make the day better. These days, I’m no longer lonely but do struggle to fill evenings. When I’m not engrossed in something on Netflix I tend to have a bath or shower, make a cuppa and get in bed early with my book. I absolutely love the freedom to be in bed at 8pm if I like!

[jo1bo]

I’m lucky I have friends and family to draw on, it’s the enormity of the situation that is overwhelming. It feels like Mount Everest but today was better than yesterday!
Thank you for your kind worlds of encouragement.

[jo1bo]

All over the place but taking it one day at a time. I have PM’d you incase you ever need a friend to breathe with for 10 mins of an evening. I seem to be ok in the evening, I always tell myself tomorrow is a new day, new challenges, new adventures, new stuff to sort out for those gorgeous kids of mine. For me it’s worse during the day, I can be busy as hell and then bang! I’m in the middle of a panic attack again. The weird thing is it’s worse when I think of him staying. The mind is a v powerful thing. Have you had a good day?

[growyourown77]

Ooh I can identify with what you've both said sunflowers and jo1bo... Grieving for the family you thought you had/wanted/built etc.

I just asked my husband to leave at the end of November and am struggling with the evenings when my lovely 10 year DD is in bed. I've been doing really well over Xmas and being carried along with lots of festive activities and meet ups and waiting to look at the divorce and financial practicalities until now, so feeling pretty overwhelmed. Feeling a bit anxious and alone in terms of no one to have adult conversations with in the evenings (not that ex was any good for that, especially in the last year or so).

I know I'm doing well over all on and have lots of support from friends, but that 9.30pm bit when it's quiet is hard some nights. So I feel you. Mum has terminal cancer, so it's really rubbish timing.

I'm doing lots of journaling, getting out for lots of walks and seeing lots of friends, plus restarting crocheting and creative things and trying to focus on sleep.

So I feel for you both and can hear that you are both doing things to help yourselves along.

[jo1bo]

Sending big love to you, it’s a tough time without going through that with your Mum. How is your DD getting on?

its lovely to hear you are keeping busy and trying to stay focussed. Have you anything planned for the next few weeks? I try and get a few things in just to focus on something else.

im normally flat out by 10pm so it’s a race to get things sorted before then, but yeah, the adult conversation is missed (I’m realising I’ve missed it for years to be honest!).

[growyourown77]

Jo1bo I hear you re: having missed 'quality' adult company for a lot longer than the breakup.

It is hard staying grounded with mum's situation too.

I need to focus some of the things in life that are not in flux (although it feels like all of them) to get a better sense of being grounded.

I'm trying to focus on a few weeks ahead, but as a run a small business as well, I have to think a bit further ahead.

Just agreed when I can take DD away at Easter to see friends, so have that to look forward to.

DD is doing well, considering. I'm keeping routine where possible. We're very close. School are supportive. She's seen him a bit. We both had great friends networks. So as best as it can be.

How about your two? And how long have you been separated?

[jo1bo]

It’s v new but it feels like it’s been happening for 2 or 3 years. My kids are all over the place. He is a great dad and is around a lot which is fantastic for them but is hard for me. I’m swallowing it though. It’s all about them. I agree routine is so important. We both want to be an absolute constant in their lives so I’m hoping that can see us through some rough times.

I always plan stupid stuff like I’ve just bought and made some rubbish for Valentines as it’s half term so wanted them to have a special day. It’s not always about romantic stuff right! Nothing major it just keep us ticking over.

[Blahblahblahblahblahurgh]

I'm now six months post separation. Everyone has a different experience, but the best thing to do is take it one day at a time. As you do each landmark thing by yourself and on your own then you quickly realise how strong you are and the confidence you never knew you had.

I was terrified of sleeping alone in the house (being the only adult). I'd never lived alone and I'd lived with ex since 2005. Now I do it without even thinking about it. I used a sleep guided meditation on ITunes (they have them on Spotify I think as well) that first week on my own.

Those first few weeks, I spent my time clearing stuff out of the house and did a massive clean. After a few weeks I settled into a little routine of doing things for myself in the evenings. When the kids go to their dads, I try to get myself out. I tried a few different classes etc until I've found something I enjoy. I have evenings where I just give myself a big pamper (deep hair mask, face mask etc). Then others when I just get comfy with the telly or a book or a game.

Filling childfree weekends were harder for me I think. But I've set myself a couple of projects for this year. I'm painting the house (completed downstairs today!) and changing my kids room around. I've also set myself a goal of reading 50 books to try and read instead of doom scrolling on Sunday afternoons. But here I am on MN!

[growyourown77]

Nice job on the painting! Must feel really good. :)

It sounds like you've got some nice routines in place and a bit of a flow going.

Was the deep cleaning cathartic?!

[jo1bo]

This isn’t doom scrolling! It’s talking with new friends! Yes I feel like I have had to get into my own routine for ages but it’s the lack of the person in the house.

[jo1bo]

Half wish I could get the cleaning bug! 😂😂 then again maybe not!

we are splitting weekends at the moment and spending Friday evening together as a family so I am trying to to think about the w weekends at the moment until I have to. Hopefully things will have settled by the time that rolls around.

this is so lovely and supportive!

[ssunflowers]

Sorry I've been MIA, truthfully I've had a shitty couple of days. Ex has been staying with family but has just found a place to rent so it's like going through the breakup all over again.

Love these tips/ideas for filling the evenings. I've been cleaning organising but feel I need something more like a hobby so going to find something to do.

@jo1bo totally get what you're saying about having to see them all the bloody time. Makes it so much harder!

Hope you're all having a nice chilled evening xx

[FlyingSoul]

I feel for you. I separated over a year ago and it was a big shock even if we were not happy. When I realised that this was it I had a panic attack while I was still trying to work it with my ex during a pre - planned trip. It was a horrible experience and I remember the feeling how I got through the rest of the trip with the kids (he left early) by counting time in units of 15 minutes to keep myself together.

Now I am better. I have never had a panic attack after that although I do get overwhelmed by work and childcare a lot (ex does very little).

I find mindfulness being very useful. I listen to a YouTuber Todd Perelmuter's videos and at the beginning of the separation I put them on loop.

I had a short relationship afterwards but called quits as I am not ready and there is no time but it was overall a great experience and I deeply appreciated to have it.

I have decided to work on myself and make myself a better and happier person first. It's hard and I feel sad sometimes but I am sure it's going to be an experience that I will feel proud of.

[LondonerWith2]

Hey, this post was a while ago so I really hope you're doing well.
I have 2 little ones (5 and nearly 3) , me and their dad split in Jan (well, he just walked out) and I've been having the same
Due to certain meds I'm already on they won't put me on anti depressants as they can mix, they've given me propanolol for the attacks.

Nights are DEFINITELY the worst for me, my 2 go down about 7pm and I find myself rushing to bed just so that I can escape the loneliness.

How are you feeling now? I could really use someone to talk to, if you could to


Xxx

[ssunflowers]

@LondonerWith2

Hey, this post was a while ago so I really hope you're doing well.
I have 2 little ones (5 and nearly 3) , me and their dad split in Jan (well, he just walked out) and I've been having the same
Due to certain meds I'm already on they won't put me on anti depressants as they can mix, they've given me propanolol for the attacks.

Nights are DEFINITELY the worst for me, my 2 go down about 7pm and I find myself rushing to bed just so that I can escape the loneliness.

How are you feeling now? I could really use someone to talk to, if you could to


Xxx

Hey @LondonerWith2

Oh god I remember that feeling of rushing to bed. I know everyone says it but it really does get better. Don't get me wrong I still have days where I feel lonely, but majority of it has passed now. Luckily me and DDs dad get on really well now and I'm filling alot of evenings with uni work. Hang in there, it does get better. If it helps, I wrote a list of everything I wanted to prioritise for me like starting my degree, losing some weight, working out again and it helped fill my spare time. I've lost almost a stone too so that's a bonus.

Hope you're having a nice chill evening xx

[LondonerWith2]

It is SO nice to know I'm not the only one who does that, I told my sister and she looked at me like I was mad .. its getting better, I've been listening to different audio books and trying to occupy my mind meditating etc but still have all the same crap

Hopefully as you say, time heals xx

[ssunflowers]

@LondonerWith2

It is SO nice to know I'm not the only one who does that, I told my sister and she looked at me like I was mad .. its getting better, I've been listening to different audio books and trying to occupy my mind meditating etc but still have all the same crap

Hopefully as you say, time heals xx

No you're not mad! I used to get the bedtime fear like when my DD was a newborn haha. Now I'm sat eating pizza in silence because there's no miserable man bothering me! Silver linings! They sound like nice chill things to do in your alone time, love that. Might try the meditating! X