worried about contact

[alice30]

Hi I posted this in another thread & am wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience. DD is 4 & left ex 2 years ago. He was physically violent to me, has some kind of mental health problem which has caused him to experience delusions, hallucinations, paranoia etc. He has spent a short time in psychiatric ward years before I met him but I don't know if a diagnosis was made. He has smoked cannabis pretty much on a daily basis for around 20 years. When he does not smoke for a few days his behaviour becomes even more erratic & unpredictable. He is very quick to anger & can come across as very aggressive. He holds down a part time job (well below his education). He doesn't socialise & is suspicious of people's motivations. I believe he is very ill. He has not had contact with DD since I left-has made no real effort & would not accept my terms of "see a psychiatrist & stop smoking cannabis". What worries me is that he has no insight to his behaviour & appears to be in denial over the state of his mental health. He is now trying to arrange contact through a solicitor to which my solicitor has responded NO for the above reasons. I expect he will be allowed some kind of supervised contact but I am very worried about him having unsupervised contact because I do not trust him or believe he is responsible enough.
I have experienced terrible anxiety as a result of my relationship with him & am very worried about the effect his behaviour would have on a young child.
I understand it is the child's right to know both their parents but I just couldn't hand DD over to him.

[snotbuster]

That sounds very serious and very worrying alice. Think you must hold out for supervised contact. Is your solicitor supportive of this?

[Freckle]

Supervised access is just that - supervised. usually by someone qualified to do that job or sometimes by a trusted family member.

I'm sure your ex's past behaviour will mean that no court would give him unsupervised access so I don;t think you should worry unduly.

[Divastrop]

firstly,does he really want contact,ie because he loves his dd and wants a relationship with her,or is he using it as a way to get back at you or try to control you in some way?

if its the first,then go with the supervised access.dont budge on it,if he has been in hospital etc then the court will take things like that into account.

if its the second thing,then if you feel that contact would do more harm than good,you are perfectly within your rights to say you dont want him to have any contact atall.its not like he's realised he has a problem and is taking action to address it for the sake of his dd,so i dont see why he should see her.

trust me,if your solicitor has not tried to persuade you to allow some from of contact,then its unlikely that a court would award him conatct anyway IME.

[alice30]

My solicotor told me an outcome may be contact centre but that it is usually seen as a stepping stone to unsupervised & this is what I'm worried about.

[alice30]

My solicitor has said no to contact & didn't try & persuade me into allowing some contact. I think she could see how concerned I am & that I have reasonable grounds to withold contact

[redpyjamas]

Sorry to hijack, but I thought I'd comtribute to this thread, as I am in a similar situation.
I left my ex in 2003, when dds were 0 and 2. Since then, he has seen them a total of twice, and the first of those was only about two years ago or so.
Now, he is on about unsupervised contzct. Wants to take them out for the day.
I have arranged two more contact centre sessions for March (I want to come across as reasonable as poss for when it goes to court).
I too am worried sick because:

1. He was violent to me
   
2. He was extremely controlling, and talked about the children's future as if it belonged to him personally (who they can marry, what they must study, they were not allowed friends to play etc. etc.)
   
3. He is very verbally abusive and manipulative
   
4. He threatened to take the children from me (and as he lives in Nigeria, that is a terrible threat)
   
5. He goes into erratic rages, and drives bloody dangerously when in them (thumping the steering wheel, screaming, threatening, speeding)
   
   The trouble is that the contact centre is supposed to be a temporary thing. Does anyone have any experience of it being a long term solution, that could reassure the OP and myself?
   
   If it went to court, he comes accross so convincing and wonderful. Very persuasive and charming.
   
   I fear that if he won rthe right to take them out for the day, I may never see them again. Mayve not the firsttime, or the second. But he would get the dds to trust his lies and promises. He would twist their minds. Then once he had them, he'd change (like he did to me). And that would be the worst possible life for them.
   
   Sorry for hijack, but I think we are both worried sick about the same thing.
   
   Anyone with success stories? Do judges ever rule that unsupervised contact is out of the question forever? Not just 'until he proves himself', which he would easily do. He can convince people that he's safe for as long as it takes.

[snotbuster]

alice - don't want to add to your worries but what your solicitor said about supervised contact is correct - the courts tend to want to move things on to unsupervised as soon as they can.If it does come to this (supervised contact) I would make sure that it is in a contact center with qualified staff etc.
I agreed to my DS's contact with XP being supervised by a mutual friend as wanted to spare DS going to a contact centre - when we went back to court this friend was not expected to provide a report but told the solicitors that everything had been great (when it hadn't, really) and then I had no grounds to prevent it moving to unsupervised.

Also, if you end up in court, make sure that CAFCASS do a full report - this should include info about your XP's mental health and violence which the judge then has to take into consideration.

Your solicitor sounds good btw.

[alice30]

I find it really worrying that there seems to be this move as quickly as possible from superviced to unsupervised. I have very real concerns for my child's well-being. The thought of him having unsupervised contact is making me feel physically ill

[snotbuster]

I think that you have a very strong case and, due to the fact that he hasn't seen DD for two years, any contact (even supervised) would be very minimal to begin with. Sorry - wanted to reply earlier but wrote it really quickly because I was in the middle of other things - hope I haven't made you feel worse.

My situation is similar (XP is also a chronic pot smoker and was violent to me) but I wouldn't say he has a mental illness - it sounds like your XP does. Wanted to try and help because I feel that my solicitor and I have made several mistakes during the course of our ongoing court saga i.e the choice of supervisor and not getting a CAFCAS report done initially that have weakened my case.

Having said that - the whole court process is so drawn out (nearly a yr now) that, if nothing else, I have stalled things a bit until DS is old enough to at least tell me if there is a problem when he's with XP.

redpyjammas - that sounds awful. Have you got a residence order so that you can get help immediately if he does try to take the DCs?

[redpyjamas]

Unfortuately I can't get a residence order, as he lives out of the country. He comes to GB every so often, and that is when he gets the contact.
Does anyone know, would he have to be living in the country in order to start court proceedings?