Introducing children to a new partner

[Pinkchampagne]

As a lot of you will know, I separated from my ex H over a year and a half ago, but didn't actually move into separate houses until last May, when my boys had to deal with a house move and separation in one blow.
I had a lot of problems, especially with my eldest son, who is now 8, but things are now starting to settle a little.

I am now in a new relationship with a lovely man, who I have been seeing for nearly 5 months, but he hasn't yet met my children at all.
I didn't want to rush into introducing him to the boys as they had been through a lot of changes, so only see my boyfriend when boys are either with their dad or very much asleep. This has worked out fine, and it has been nice to spend time with him alone without having to worry about the boys.

The thing is, we are both now developing strong feelings for each other, and I feel our time together has been in some kind of bubble, far removed from my real life!
I realise that at some point he is going to have to be introduced to my boys, and I'm really starting to worry about it.

How is the best way to go about it all?
My boys don't even know of his existence, so I guess it might be a good idea to start to maybe talk about my friend who happens to be a man.

He doesn't have children of his own, although he is good with his nephews. I do worry about him meeting my boys though. My eldest son has real anxiety issues, and isn't the easiest child to get to know.

I am not planning to do this just yet, but realise I need to start thinking about it, and it's worrying me.
It is all new and strange to me to be dating someone new when you have children involved.

[pinkbubble]

That will certainly make your life a lot simpler! Really pleased for you PC.

[yULeYSEES]

Excellent pinkchampagne
Bf came here for a short while in May last year before he and I went away.
But bf was from US and was staying here for 2 months to see if it would work.
Kids loved him as he has 3 boys so good with them. We split as he was too much of an arse to cope with plus in Texas lmao.
But have met someone else, also has 3 boys but he's less than 20 miles away. Much nicer guy though
So, I'll have it all to do agaiin but will do as I did before, talk about him first and do it gradual .....except he won't be moving in for 2 months.

[Pinkchampagne]

Pleased you have met someone nice, yuleysees. Hope it all goes well for you.

I think I wouldn't have worried as much if he had children of his own, but he doesn't & has never been out with someone with children before. He has always made it clear that it didn't bother him at all though, and he is a very hands on uncle to his nephews.

He seemed very natural when speaking to DS1 last night, and DS1 spoke to him, albeit very very quietly.

When I went up to see him in bed, he asked if the man was still here (I had told him his name!) because he couldn't hear his voice, but he didn't seem at all bothered by it all.

New man said DS1 seemed lovely & commented on how much he looked like me!

Think I will do the same thing when introducing him to DS2, and get him to come round just before his bedtime to keep the introductions short at first, just so that they get used to him gradually.

[Pinkchampagne]

DS2 is very keen to meet his dog, and has said he wants to go for tea round the dog's house!

[Pinkchampagne]

He has offered to bring his dog round one day next weekend, so that DS2 can meet the dog, and he will of course meet DS2 at the same time.

[Ulysees]

it's looking good then pink!

my new guy is nice, seeing him tonight as boys at dads.

[Pinkchampagne]

Excellent, Ulysees. Glad you have met someone nice. How long have you been seeing him?

[Ulysees]

Only second date but it went well again He's really fun, knows how to treat a woman, total attention

How are you getting on?

[Pinkchampagne]

That's nice. My man is like that too. He is looking into taking me for a weekend in Rome next month, for valentine & our 6 month anniversary!

It saddens me that my parents show no interest in meeting him, although I know I shouldn't really care.

I asked mum on Sun if she wanted to meet him, and she said she didn't because she feels too bad for ex H, and dad won't accept my new relationship at all.
I got the impression that a lot of the reason mum was so anti meeting him was because dad was so against it all.
He is such a lovely bloke, and it does upset me a bit.

[Ulysees]

Blimey pink what a nightmare!! What about ex H? You're their dd.

He sounds lovely, pleased for you hun

[Tinkerbel6]

PC glad it went well, I think your mum is terribly selfish and will lose out in the end cause you wont include her in your happy times, I wish she would be on your side for once

[Pinkchampagne]

I wish she would too, Tinkerbel. They won't give my new man a chance & show no interset in meeting him, which is not nice.
She said she just wishes ex H would find someone nice & then she could relax, and I told her that was up to him & not her problem!

New man's family want to meet me, and he might be taking me round to meet his parents for the first time tomorrow!

[Blu]

The dog is the key!

Go out to the park with the dog, they can walk it on it's lead, and they will be forever ecstatic!

I wouldn't push it with your Mum - meeting NM, I mean. By refusing she manages to create an obstruction and feel in control of you. Let it go, and soon she will feel left out and in the dark because the DS's will be yabbering on excitedly about the dog and his Gameboy skills and she wioll feel jealous that there is someone they have a good time with and she doesn't know. And it will be of her own damn making!

Don't ask her to meet NM, and she can't refuse.

You could, in all innocence of course , the mention how lovely his parents are and how welcomed you felt by them...but say no more.

Mentally and emotionally, your parents are toddlers - the more you try and get them to do what you want,m the more they will say 'I not want to'.

Anyway, who cares - you have the very lovely NM...I'm very excitied about the Valentine idea. Who would have boys?

[Pinkchampagne]

Ex H is having the boys. I asked him as soon as NM enquired as to whether I would be able to get away that weekend, and ex H has agreed to have them. He is even booking the Saturday off work! He is being pretty reasonable atm...almost too reasonable!

I only asked mum as she was asking questions about NM.
I said "Would you want to meet him anytime soon?", and she said "I don't want to meet him - I feel too bad for ex H!"
I will leave it now, but feel a bit bad for him really. His parents seem so nice & understanding, and then there's mine!

[Pinkchampagne]

I had thought of the park idea with the dog too, Blu. We have a park very near. The only thing is, DS1 seems less keen on the whole dog thing, and wasn't keen when I mentioned it.

[Blu]

yes, sorry, I didn't mean to 'tell you off' in such a bossy way about talking to your Mum about NM!
And don't feel guilty about it - you've told him enough about what they are like for him to completely understand...and probably be secretly pleased that the tension of meeting your xH's in-laws is postponed..knowing that they will be measuring him up against the sainted xH! Perhaps you could issue your Mum and Dad with a handy assessment sheet on which they could give him a score against XH on a wide range of factors?

And then tell them that you have been scoring their behaviour as parents-meeting-new-man against NM's parents!

In truth, I can see that it is a good thing that they maintain a cordial relationship with XH because of the proximity in which you all live and because of the boys..but they don't need to see meeting your NM as disloyalty to their XSIL and something they shouldn't do. It's preposterous. Especially when he knows about NM and is apparantly making less fuss than your Mum and dad about it.

Maybe his co-operation is because secretly he has got someone else?

[Pinkchampagne]

I don't think he has anyone else, but I guess I wouldn't really know.
When I last spoke to him, he was saying he had gone back to how he was before he met me, and said he was pretty much using girls who made themselves available to him.
He isn't sitting around moping at all though, that's for sure!

I feel a little bit nervous about meeting NM's parents, but they do sound very nice.

[Blu]

Oh, well, that probably suits him for the time being, then, hence his general upbeatness. After all he doesn't have to relate to a woman, take her needs into consideration and all those things he found so hard in marriage! He can have everything exactly the way he wants it, when he wants it.
I bet he's being so nice to the boys because he doesn't have to negotiate their toys, sticky food, noise etc on a daily basis.

[Pinkchampagne]

Oh yes, I think you're probably right there, Blu!
His new house is very show home like again, and mine is far from it!

[Pinkchampagne]

He came round briefly with the dog today, so that DS2 could meet her.
DS2 went a little shy, but he stroked the dog & when new man asked if he wanted to take the dog for a walk sometime, he said he wanted to take her to the park & throw a stick!
He has just made a white dog out of his hama beads & says he is going to show his doggie to Muffin's daddy when they go to the park!

[Pinkchampagne]

The ex wife named the dog btw, just thought I'd add that!!

[Nade1981]

Hi, My sons father & I separated 1 year ago, in this time he has made a new relationsuop, which to our knowledge began in December. He has told me 1 month ago that they will be moving in together in September and has now told me, by text that they are engaged. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and he curently has temporary custody of her (for last 6 months) as their are safeguarding concerns with her mum, she is part of the cause of our separation. Jealousy and interferance when we had a child together.

There relationship was very volatile and I have alays put restrictions in place, as in he cant take my son to a local social club were she is also a member of. She has a drink problem and had previously attacked members of his family, because of everything I have tried to keep my son out of this as much as I possibly can.

As he does not have good form with relationships and even ours, I have not allowed him to introduce his new girlfriend to our son. My son has just turned 3 on Monday and does not understand anything at the moment. He sees his dad once a week, his dad has always put his daughter first and when he doesnt have full custody of daughter he has has joint custody, so even when we were together he wasnt here because their wasnt room and prior to us separating he had me decorate his whole house for all to move into as a family and then dumped me by text one morning.

Simply becaue of the past and the issues we had and he has ongoing with his daughters mum I havent allowed my son to be introduced, we have agreed that this will be done next year, but he claims to want to introduce her as his friend, but how do we go from his friend, to girlfriend, to oh were getting married. It is of my opinion that he is very selfish and iresponsible that he makes such decisions in a short space of time and just expecting everybody else to just go along with it. I already have concerns because of the situation with his daughter, her jealousy and self harming etcm she has involvement with social services, camhs, maliki and school counsellor but now this...

AmI overeacting? What would anyone do in my position? I feel first and foremost that the situation with his daughter needs to be stable before anything changes and before he stops with him, once thats settled then we can look at him being introduced????

[FuckOffHacker]

Zombie thread, try starting a new thread