Hi Girls
Just venting, hope thats ok.
I had a baby 5 months ago with my partner of 3 years. It was a good relationship and I loved him a great deal- although it was rocky at times I admit. When I fell pregnant (unplanned), we were happy about it when the initial shock had worn off. Anyway,after the baby was born, life was obviously different, but I thought we were happy enough, he was certainly delighted with the baby and was no different with me.
I began to notice though, that he became very friendly with a client of his. He introduced her to me and I had lunch a few times with her, and we even babysat each others children for a few hours. I wouldn't say I was close to her, or knew her overly well, but she seemed nice enough. I did suspect though, that he had ideas of her, and although it should have made the alarm bells go off, I was 7 weeks post partum and so feeling slightly vunerable. I kept my fears to myself until a matter of days later, after a row about nothing, he said he wanted out. I couldn't believe it- the child was 7wks old. He behaved so badly about it all, didn't do it in any way compassionate at all- just kept trying to convince me that 'it was always on the cards', saying awful things about our lives together- in fact, he has competely re-written our history in an attempt to convince me that we were unhappy before, and so the baby changed nothing. I have enough emotional intelligence to know if he had wanted out- so I refused to buy into his story. He never wanted to discuss a thing, and so it was all over within hours. I was so distraught that I went to stay with my family (in ireland)and I never returned for 8 weeks.
I instinctively knew this woman had somthing to do with it. He denied it of course, and so I kind of dropped it, because I had little to go on- and besides, part of me kept hoping it was some kind of a crisis, and he would eventually come to his senses. When I was with my family, he came to see the baby twice in that time, but kept me at such a distance, you would swear it was me who had perpetrated the entire mess. He rarely called, and when he did, he kept everything to a business like arrangement. I did try many times to get him to talk, but he would read from the same script repeatedly- about how he wasn't happy, 'I must have seen it coming' blah blah. He often became agitated on the phone when I tried to talk, and he would put the phone down. I would honestly say that he devoted about 2 hours of his entire time to ending our relationship- broken up into a series of 10 min conversations and text messages. It's been truly hideous. When I was there, he never wanted to know a thing about me or how I was, asking only after the baby. It was as if I had quite literlly died to him, and I can tell you ladies- this is probably the thing I have struggled with the most. (ludicrous really, when there are more serious issues at hand)
The issue with this woman still niggled me, so when I still in ireland, I decided to call her on the phone and ask her (rather nicely) if she suspected he had ideas of her. I knew nothing had actually happened between them at this point, so I didn't want to accuse her directly. She admitted that he had flirted with her to a point, but she hadn't really taken it on board, but she did consider him as a mate. I told her we had split, and she sympathised, but didn't go any further than that. I directly asked her if she was interested in him, and she said she wasn't, and that she would now find it hard to be friends with him after knowing what she did. I asked her if she was still in touch with him, but she said she hadn't seen/heard from him in a while. I breathed a bit easier after that, and I believed her. I even felt a bit hopeful that we might reconcile eventually, believing that I may have got the whole thing wrong, and she really didn't have anything to do with our split.
Nothing changed between us while I was there, and so I came to realise that the situation was permanent. I made arrangements to move out of his house with the baby when I got back, and found myself somewhere to move into. I returned from Ireland 3 weeks ago,and had to stay in his house for a few days until my new one became available. Whilst there, I came across his phonebill and I can tell you- I almost died. The had/have been texting and calling each other 20, sometimes 30 times a day- even when we were together, but mostly since the day I left. They even text loads on the night of our childs christening. They talk first thing every moring (exactly as he and I used to do) and the patterns of communication between them made my heart sink to my stomach- she was texting him on the day that she had lunch with me. She had also been in touch with him the very morning that I had spoken to her from Ireland- and every day before that, so she lied to my face. There are many more incidences, but they are all on a similar vein. I knew then that I had been made a total idiot of.
I went round to her house and had it out with her. She was nervous, even though I was calm enough. I asked her what she was playing at, and she defiantly told me that they were just friends, and that I should be having it out with him and not her. She refused to answer any questions about the incessant calling and texting, and was even angry that I had come to her door! she asked me to leave (of course), but not before I told her what I thought of her behaviour.
She sent me a text immediately after, saying that I had no right to show up at her door taking my frustration out on her. She said that being friends with him had always upset me, but we are now split,and going away for 2 months had been my decision (!)
so if they are now 'good friends', then it had nothing to do with me.
When I went back to the house, he had already been informed (of course) that I had just confronted her. I went completely mad at him, saying that I knew now why he had left us. He denied anything was going on, they were just mates, and that I had no right to be going round there. He was awful that night, saying he did the right thing in ending us, that he was glad it was over, and going round to her house like that had proved that to him.
You know...for a split second, i actually wondered if both of them were right......that I had behaved badly, that I had no right to do it?
Anyway, the upshot was, that a few days later I moved onto my new house with the baby- and he didn't even help me- said he had made plans that night, despite knowing the move was happening. He came around the next day to put a few bits of furniture together, and gave me a few sticks from his house, but that has been his entire contribution to our move.
Two weeks ago, a few days after I moved in, I asked him to finally be honest and admit if he was seeing her. He didn't deny it this time, but goes absolutley nuts if i say that he cheated. I actually do know that nothing physical happened between them while we were together, but I am from the school of thought that believes that cheating isnt confined to the 'physical act', and so what they did was much worse.
Its funny how he gets so annoyed when I say that he left us to be with someone else- you would think at this point that he wouldn't care wouldn't you? I mean what has he got to lose by telling the truth?
I don't for a second think my situation is unique, but while this story may read like something from the Jeremy Kyle show, we were (I thought) fairly decent people, with professional jobs and morals to boot. It's all so distasteful and downright embarrassing to be involved in a situation like this, to be left holding the baby after looking forward to her arrival so much...
He comes around about twice a week to collect the baby, and I am extremely amicable with him- to the point that it drives my family and friends nuts because they say I should be angry. I am angry- but I don't thinks its productive for the child to carry on being so. Also- I'm being honest (If a little pathetic) in saying that, in may ways, I'm still reeling from the shock, and so deal with many things from an emotional point of view, rather than an angry one. He pays for the child, sees her reguarly etc, but the situation with me is the same- He is frosty, business-like and almost contemptous. I have been wiped out, practically overnight, and I still struggle with that a great deal.
I also- (and I know I shouldn't)tortue myself that this woman is happily accepting his version of events, his version of our history and she now has me down as some troublesome ex, who couldn't accept the facts and so used her as an outlet for my anger. I simply can't believe that, regardless of what she's being told- she isnt at least weary of a man who left his partner and newborn child on a whim. I consume myself with thoughts about whether or not they will last, and if he will ever be remorseful for how he has behaved. An untterly pointless activity, I know.
If I have to deal with him for the next 18 years, I need to feel differently about him.
What I hope for now, as my title suggests, is to get to a stage where I can view him with indifference, and to for him to become to me, what I am to him..
Sorry for the epic rant!
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waiting for the part where I feel only indifference to the father of my baby
25 replies
pinguthepenguin · 24/11/2007 22:21
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