Is it possible to remain on friendly terms with your ex, and move on with your life?

[Pinkchampagne]

Things have been pretty amicable between ex H & myself since our separation, which is good for the boys, so I would like things to stay as friendly as possible.

The thing is, I can't see this continuing if I move on with my life & meet someone else.
I think ex H would go mad, and the fact he is so close to my family doesn't help matters.

Do you think it is possible to remain on friendly terms, and get on with your life, or do things normally turn nasty?

I worry about the boys, and don't want to cause any further upset.

[Pinkchampagne]

Thanks for all the replies to this question.

When we decided to separate, ex H said he would try to be a good ex husband to make up for not being the best while we were married, and after being forced to live together for nearly a year following the split, we just tried to make it as normal as possible for the boys.

Ex H remains very close to my family - infact he was staying with my parents until his house was finished, and goes out with my dad.
This, I guess, makes me feel that no-one else would ever be accepted, and I feel that ex H still holds a tiny bit of hope that all will mend itself in time.

I fear that things could take a turn for the worse once I move on a bit, and things could get really horrible.

It is good to hear of others more positive stories!

[tetti]

Yes,I am pretty sure it is possible.
I am on friendly terms with my ex (felt like I had to be for the sake of our little girl).
We actually get on better now we're apart,and I hope that things remain this way,even when the day cones when one of us eventually finds a new partner (but I guess things may start to become a little bit more tricky then?)

[SSSandy2]

I think it will always be a bit tense but it can't be helped.

You need to get on with your life and you cannot NOT have a new man in your life just to avoid nastiness from the ex.

I don't think by the same token, he will let a new woman go by so as to keep things amicable.

[000Laura000]

In answer to the original question... I think, yes, it is possible to be on reasonable terms with your ex. But! it is very difficult.

Don't forget that now you have split up it is absolutely none of his business who you are seeing or what you are doing in your free time. (If you are lucky enough to get any).

It only becomes his business if the children meet him.

don't tell him!

Good luck

laura

[kimi]

I really can't see any way that DH1 would ever not want to see his boys, however if he did ever go a bit funny I think I would have to sit and ask him why, and there had better be a good bloody reason.

It was hard to leave and it was me doing the leaving, I am still not sure if it was what HD1 wanted he said it was up to me and if I thought it was what I needed to be happy then I had to go try.

I have to say I would hate it with a passion if there was ever a day DH1 was not in my life.

[zookeeper]

duh!

[zookeeper]

but Kimi this is the sort of arrangement I envisaged with my dp - can you imagine if your DH1 suddenly decided he was not going to see the children after all? I think you would be tempted to kill him. I am so angry with ex because he is not being at all reasonable.

Was it very hard at first? My problem is that I broke the realtionship up and he is angry. If both sides want out it must be easier

[zookeeper]

but Kimi this is the sort of arrangement I envisaged with my dp - can you imagine if your DH1 suddenly decided he was not going to see the children after all? I think you would be tempted to kill him. I am so angry with ex because he is not being at all reasonable.

Was it very hard at first? My problem is that I broke the realtionship up and he is angry. If both sides want out it must be easier

[kimi]

Pinkchampagne, sorry this is a copy and paste but bit rushed for time.

It is possible to stay on good terms yes.




By kimi on Mon 12-Feb-07 19:58:55
It would seem i have confussed some people with the fact i talk about DH1 and DP.
I have explained it all a few times and find people amazed that DH1 and i are not trying to kill each other and fighting over everything from the sofas to the cats.

So a little re cap.....
DH1 and i were together 21 years married 14 and have two lovely children.
Sadly (maybe because we met so young) we started to grow apart and despite my begging him to go to relate and spending 18 months trying to sort us out we ended up splitting up. I think we were both to blame as there were issues on both sides and a lot of stress.

The boys and i moved out and it was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life so far.
I have a lovely new partner who is great with my boys. New partner and DH1 get on well.
We live 10 mins walk apart the boys see DH1 every day except Tuesday (when he takes my mom shopping, and has dinner with her).
They have 2 bedrooms spend time between both houses. DH1 at the weekends and here on school nights although we change it if we need to. I dont drive as yet so DH1 takes me to do the weekly shop every week.
DH1 comes to dinner most sundays and we all spent Xmas together. Just because DH1 and i are not a couple any more we are and always will be a family. Our children have taken the new situation very well and are happy and doing well in school.
I hope im not too odd, I will always call DH1 DH1 because i feel to call him exh devalues him and our time together.
Are we really that uncommon??
So how do you get on with your Ex?

Oh and by the way, i took very little when i moved out as i did not want to rip the family home apart, sort of doubled up with DS1 having the same type of bed at both homes, and DH1 has the cats

[lou33]

it's all still v new for you, it will get better i promise

[zookeeper]

thanks lou you are kind. I need to be more positive.

[lou33]

if it's any consolation i was with mine for 17.5 yrs

i dont see it as feeling a failure, but as trying for as long as i could to make it work

you gave it a good shot

[WideWebWitch]

Yes, it is. Ex dh wasn't happy when we split up but we are now great friends and I've been with dh#2 for 7 yrs now and we have a dd.

[zookeeper]

been out with dcs to beach - feel better now.
I was with him for fourteen years. I fweel such a failure.

[lou33]

posted

[Pinkchampagne]

Bumped it!

[Pinkchampagne]

I will bump it now, lou. I'm pants at links!

[lou33]

pc can you link me to your thread please?

[Pinkchampagne]

Now you say it, I remember you offering me some advice on one of my old theads, ZK.

He sounds horrible, were you with him long?

[lou33]

he's just trying to lash out at you in any way he can

the more you react hte more he is gaining the upper hand

[zookeeper]

Yes I suppose tha's true Lou - when he first left he would text me saying that he was coming back, just packing his bags now etc which used to fill me with dread. I must find a way of getting rid of all this rage or I will get ill.

PC, I am a solcitor but won't be one for much longer if I go around and break his windows which is what I would love to do at the moment. Just finding it very hard to follow my own advice which would be to leave him well alone.

If I don't die of stress/rage/bitterness I suppose I will be a better solicitor at the end of the day

[lou33]

zookeeper, i understand that, my ex hasnt seen the kids at all since aug 06, and has not paid a pennt either

but believe me, the silent treatment is 1000 times more preferable to the abuse and harrassment i got before he went abroad

dont go to the house, the more you try and engage in conversation the more he will snub you

[Pinkchampagne]

I can't believe he is snubbing his own children, zookeeper. How awful!

He sounds a total git, and I'm not sure what to advise, as I have never been faced with all that you are.

Have you got a solicitor?

[Wisteria]

We have managed it but occasionally things are a bit strange and he still ignores new dp even four years on.

Friendly enough to me, although will only talk about the dcs and mutual friends.

[zookeeper]

But I am so frustrated - I know I dumped him and for very good reasons but I thought he would see the dcs - he is just filled with this blistering rage against me and i can't ver see it sunbsiding. He just will not talk to me - his phones are switvhed off . i suppose the sensible thing I should do would be to leave him be until he calms down but I am so angry on behalf of the dcs. I hate him so much. He has not given me a penny since he lft and then he takes off to Spain with God knows who. Bastard. I am resisiting the temptation to drive to his house (a forty minute drive and confront him again. I would but can't put kids through it again. I hate him so much I feel ill. What should I do? i just want him to see his dcs