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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Domestic abuse / child arrangement

19 replies

littlemama18 · 15/08/2019 22:02

Just looking for some advice really ... ex partner was very violent /abusive during my pregnancy, threatened to kick me in the stomach, and constantly put me and baby in danger while I was pregnant, I left him just after I gave birth and reported to the police, he continued to stalk and harass me, he's been charged with assault against me. He has also put our child in danger multiple times and hurt me whiles I've been holding him or had him in the pram. I have a restraining order and have been diagnosed with PTSD, he has never paid any money towards our son. I had to move areas completely and change all my contact details for our safety. He is now nearly 18 months and my ex has applied to the court for access to our son, I believe this is another way to get to me instead of him actually caring about our son. I'm absolutely terrified of him getting access as I believe he's dangerous and my son isn't safe with him however I know he will get some kind of contact - does anyone have any advice or have ever been in a similar situation and could tell me how it went for you and what kind of contact was given? I'm worried sick and off work with the stress

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looondonn · 23/08/2019 23:07

Very best of luck with it all

In a similar position so really feel for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

littlemama18 · 23/08/2019 22:16

@Parent999 thank you so much for your replies you've helped me so much and really helped calmed my nerves I've been so overwhelmed but it went better than I expected, they have decided to do a section 7 report which will take 12 weeks and no contact is to take place until then so I feel a lot better and will hopefully be able to relax for the next few months! Again thank you so much for all your advice

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Parent999 · 23/08/2019 09:51

Good luck today

parent999 · 22/08/2019 10:18

I don't know if you'll know this but if he does get supervised contact in a contact centre how long will that last for? I'm guessing it can't be permanently in a centre, and will there then be another hearing? I know I'm worrying about things way in the future but I'm just scared of him getting unsupervised at some point sad

Sorry, let me clear.
Contact centre could be 6 months, could be a year, could be less. That will depend on you, CAFCASS, contact centre, your ex's bahviour and child responsiveness to Dad. And the judge of course. This why you want him on the anger course first as it will delay contact for a long time.

It will not be permanent no, the judge will order a prescribed period and set another hearing after to re-asses. IMPORTANT, if/when this happens make sure its stipulated that contact centre location is your choice and ex has to pay for it.

Parent999 · 22/08/2019 10:04

The official idea of the contact centre is that its not necessarily to "supervise contact" although it is in essence supervised. Its to facilitate parent/child contact in a safe environment and to build a relationship with parent and child. The judge will set out what needs to happen at the first hearing, this may be a fact finding [if your ex denies anything] alcohol and drug tests could be ordered etc etc. This means the whole process will carry on for a long time and can be quite the roller coaster so try to settle in and not get too worried about anything.

To answer you directly, no the contact centre wont last forever, the contact centre staff will report to CAFCASS about contact progress and any bond they form and both parent and childs behaviour. At some point after many many months [only by the judges order] your ex might be allowed to take child out of the contact centre for a walk etc. But please dont worry, theres no prescribed process or timeline, it depends on your decisions, your ex's behaviour and any progress made between parent and child. Its important to keep CAFCASS and possibly/eventually contact centre staff onside and not seem to unreasonable. Your ex is very likely going to be saying he deserves a second chance.

Im not sure legally how he can have a family member representing him but I guess if they are qualified its probably allowed. If he has representation and you do not then expect the court to be very very nice, lenient and helpful towards you. They will take the time to explain everything. Remember that his solicitor, whilst representing your ex, cant be seen to be using sneaky tactics. If you feel youre unfairly disadvantaged by anything the solicitor does, speak up and tell the judge.

littlemama18 · 22/08/2019 09:44

@Parent999 I don't know if you'll know this but if he does get supervised contact in a contact centre how long will that last for? I'm guessing it can't be permanently in a centre, and will there then be another hearing? I know I'm worrying about things way in the future but I'm just scared of him getting unsupervised at some point

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littlemama18 · 22/08/2019 09:39

@Parent999 no I really appreciate everything I feel completely lost I don't have a clue what to expect !! It's made me feel a lot better knowing no decisions will be made at the first hearing, it's tomorrow my sister is coming with me but I didn't know she wouldn't be allowed in with me, he has a close family friend who is a solicitor so I definitely think a section 7 would work in my favour so that's a good thing! Thank you so much

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Parent999 · 22/08/2019 09:32

Ah understood, thats good then, Im told [anecdotally] that judges rarely deviate from CAFCASS recommendations. A section 7 report is a much more in depth report of both parents. They visit your home and his to asses parents' ability, commitment and environment.
The judge wont force any contact until the report is done because of safeguarding, this should hopefully give you time to secure legal aid. Id say you have little to worry about yet but I am terribly concerned that you are going to court without support. You can take someone with you, they will have to sit outside the court room. When you get there, ask the clerk to ask the judge if this person can attend court with you just for support but they wont be allowed to speak at all.
A Mackenzie friend is someone who has legal knowledge but no official legal standing in the process, they dont represent you but can give you advice. It might be too late but given the domestic violence, you never know. Give it a try. I dont have any experience with Mackenzie so thats all I can advise on that.
It seems to me that the first hearing is going to be a formality so do not agree to anything until the section 7 is done.

I dont want to type out war and peace and bombard you, maybe you already know all this. Please ask anything else youre worried about, I might be able to help.

littlemama18 · 22/08/2019 09:18

@Parent999 I will definitely push for the course, he's claiming to have done workshops with his probation already when he got convicted, he's claiming his violence is all because of me restricting contact when I started when I was pregnant and has Multiple previous partners who have reported him aswell, which cafass has picked up on, I don't have a Mckenzie friend I don't think, I have applied for legal aid but they don't think the application will be back in time or the hearing cafcass said they wan to fill in a section 7 report but I'm not sure what this is ... he is a compulsive liar and I think cafasspicked up on that which is good! On the phone she said she didn't think direct contact was appropriate so I'm just hoping the court go with that!

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Parent999 · 22/08/2019 08:27

If there is domestic abuse convictions then you should have a pplied for legal aid. Dont worry too much, very little happens at the FHDRA [first hearing dispute resolution appointment]
Cafcass and any solicitors will ferry between you to come to an agreement, dont be bullied!!!!! then you go into court and the judge will just want to know whats going on and set dates etc. It has to be an open and shut case for the judge to make a final order on the first hearing so you have time.

Parent999 · 22/08/2019 08:16

I can understand, this must be pretty scary. Only in my opinion, he will need to convince the judge that he's changed his ways. If he does its very likely to be an hour or so in a contact centre every other week.

There is a course for domestic violence abusers, DAPP [domestic abuse perpetrator programme] its about 6 months I believe. Your ex may get indirect contact during this time [postcard or letter etc] but direct contact in a contact centre is very unlikely.
You will want to push hard for him to go on this course for childs' safety, youll want hard evidence such as his conviction etc.

Do you have a Mckenzie friend?

FuckFacePlatapus · 21/08/2019 23:32

Contact centre might be the way the court will go. You will not have to see him, and the staff will monitor him. Do not give in to anything they try demand off you.

littlemama18 · 21/08/2019 23:19

@Parent999 he was convicted yes

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littlemama18 · 21/08/2019 23:19

@Parent999 sorry - I didn't see your reply!

I have had a cafcass report and they have written all the details of his history with domestic abuse, he is claiming to have done a lot of self improvement work including workshops, it says that even though contact could benefit DS that it shouldn't jeopardise our current stability.

I'm so scared about what will happen

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Parent999 · 16/08/2019 11:23

When you say he was charged with assault, was he convicted?

Parent999 · 16/08/2019 11:22

OK, well that is unfortunate, will you be litigant in person?

Im assuming youve declined mediation and had the CAFCASS call and report?

I would suggest that you phone the court and state there is a restraining order in place and that you wish not to be in the same room as your ex. At the very least they can put a screen up to discourage your ex from addressing you directly.

littlemama18 · 16/08/2019 11:05

@Parent999

Thank you for your reply! He is on the birth certificate yes unfortunately, I have had the papers through from the court and the hearing is next week 😔

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parent999 · 16/08/2019 09:51

Im getting toasted alive on another thread so while we wait for your reply I can give you a general idea.

Chronologically it would work like this.

If he is not on the birth certificate then he would need to apply for parental responsibility first. its a 50/50 whether he would get it, but considering the restraining order its not going to be easy for him. He would need to know what county you are in and apply to your local family court and they will try to find you and serve you a summons. If the judge rules in his favour he will have parental responsibility and is then allowed to ask for shuttle mediation and then he can apply for a child arrangements order for contact.
This will likely take a very long time considering the dv, police records etc. So in family court he will almost certainly be told to take an anger management course, usually 6 months and another hearing. He [may] be awarded indirect contact which means he can write a letter once a week.
If he behaves and jumps through all the hoops it MIGHT be possible for him to see child in a contact centre but this will be AT LEAST a year down the line but probably longer.

For the moment, you have nothing to panic about from a legal perspective so try to keep calm, how do you know he wants contact?

Parent999 · 16/08/2019 04:56

The first most important question is did you name the father on the birth certificate?

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