Dad doesnt feed our son properly

[OnTheEdgeToday]

He has our son from friday evening until sunday evening.
So it is mostly saturday where it is bad, and sunday really.

Dad will not cook. He refuses to cook. His specialty is sausages. Dad will have a sausage sandwich, because my son doesnt like sausage sandwiches, he is given 5-8 sausages with sauce.
The sausage phase seems to have died down now and has been replaced with a tin of meatballs. Before the sausages it was the tinned burgers...with sauce.

On a saturday this is what my son eats...i have witnessed this on more than one occasion.

Breakfast - crisps, chocolate, sweets
Snacks - crisps, chocolate, sweets
Lunch - if out and about a sandwich from greggs or a savaloy (yes a savaloy on its own)
Tea - meatballs or a pot noodle
Supper - crap again.

Sometimes...if dad fancies one, a cheese toasty will be made.

My son is 7. He has told me one tin of meatballs doesnt fill him up. I have expressed my concerns to dad in a light hearted way, and suggested he offers smash mash and/or beans to go alongside the meatballs to create some form of meal. He has offered smash up with it twice.

His mother has gone out of her way to buy freezer meals that are already made up, just need put in the oven. Dad threw them in the bin.

He also went through a phase of giving him snack attacks for dinner. I told him they were called snack attacks because they were snacks, not filling enough to be used as a meal.

It is really starting to annoy me because our son is getting older and wanting proper food and dad is just not giving him this because he cannot be bothered to cook.
I think it is completely unfair on our son to rely on the snacks in the fridge and cupboards to fill himself up.

[OnTheEdgeToday]

What do you mean 'secret love child'? I hope he sees sense too!

Yes my son is looked after correctly in other ways. It is the food that is the big concern. Like i say, its not too bad when its only the weekend. Its holidays

[AppleAndBlackberry]

I'm not sure I'd be sending food, then DS's Dad will just think he doesn't have to do it. Maybe an easy meal idea or a list of things to get from the supermarket? If his Dad eats that badly himself it seems like he's probably not intentionally neglecting his son. Does he look after him well in other ways? Proper bed, hygiene etc?

[AliceInUnderpants]

He is exactly like my ex. Is your DS his secret love child? My DC have reported cold hot dog sausages on a plate with tomato sauce, microwave burgers, and yes, the good old tinned meatballs.

I've fought, and fought for years, now I've let it go. They eat well at home, and at school.

I really hope your ex sees what he's doing wrong. Mine doesn't.

[BlackeyedSusan]

right. can you tell him that contact will take place at his mothers until he is capable of feeding ds porper.y
send ds with apples, raw peeled carrots, cucumber cherry tomatoes etc?
bread and snack pot beans?
teach ds to cook. (this is a life skill anyway)
speak to his mother to see what you can do together about the situation and what does she see that he gets fed.

definitely speak to school nurse see what she suggests. (this is flagging up to authorities without actually going as far as ringing social services. )
speak to the dentist. tell him/her about the diet ds reports.

[Sunnyminimalist2]

Bitch. Every child needs to learn to cook anyway, so I think its positive to show DD how to cook basic dishes and for him to try them out with dad.

[BitchPeas]

It is neglect. XH was like this with DS.

I went to pick him up one Sunday And he was in the same pyjamas I had dropped him off in on Friday night. All the curtains were closed, the TV was blaring out and da was eating a jar of Nutella with a spoon. He was 3!!
I looked in the fridge and all he had in there was cheese strings and frubes, that a dry cereal was all DS had eaten over the weekend. I lost my shit completely. He didn't wouldn't get it so from then on it was supervised contact. He was too lazy to fight it so just went with it.

Could your DS go to your Exs mum for the weekend and ex sees him there? Maybe try to discuss it with her as she obviously knows it's a problem. Sending your DS with food isn't great IMO as it's just covering for his dads shitty behaviour not addressing it or pointing out how wrong it is.

[cestlavielife]

Yep. Stop getting involved and trying to talk to ex. Just focus on teaching ds how to make simple things now send him with suplies and later to cook pasta etc

[OnTheEdgeToday]

I will encourage my son to start doing things for himself. If i send him over with food he can make, and is looking forward to do it himself then i dont think dad would throw it out

[OnTheEdgeToday]

A snack attack is a little thing with two small tortilla style wraps, a cheese string, tomato ketchup and 4 small slices of ham.
You make them up yourself.
Which is why i suggested the larger tortilla wraps to dad as he could have a few of them, and he could easily make them hismelf and enjoy doing it!

No mental health issues.
I think a lot of it is laziness. He can sit on his arse and tell our son to dust, and then he will set him up to hoover.
Now there is nothing wrong with that (apart from him sitting on his arse), but it just adds to the laziness.

[cestlavielife]

If your son is happy to go to dad and enjoys going there then teach him how to make a sandwich send him with wholemeal bread and peanut butter that will fill him up. Start teaching him to cook simple things. Unless ypur ex wants to learn to cook he won't.

Does ypur ex have mh problem or learning disability ?

[cestlavielife]

What is a snack attack ?

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Thank you yika. Some good suggestions :)
I think you are all right though and it does seem to be bordering on neglect. I dont think it is intentional and i dont think he feels he is doing anything wrong as in his eyes, his son can eat as and when he pleases. Only his options are very limited and mostly crap picky snack stuff

[Yika]

It is very extreme laziness and in this context I would definitely characterise it as neglect. It is very deliberate.

I think tuna pasta would be fine one day later.
Bananas are very filling.
Cheese or peanut butter sandwiches should be fine for 24 hours.
We eat a lot of couscous, with ratatouille or just home made tomato sauce. That would keep for a day and again is filling and nutritious.
Popcorn.
Malt bread (+ butter?)
Failing other options, some bread rolls!

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Dads diet is cheese sandwiches, crisps, and pizza. From greggs on a saturday it would be two cheese pasties or a sausage and bean pasty.

His usual day is:
No breakfast
2 cheese sandwiches for dinner with 5 or so bags of crisps, a chocolate biscuit bar
No tea...possibly a crisp binge if peckish and for supper it is a pizza.
Sometimes, very rarely he will alternate to oven chips and gravy.

The pizza and chips and gravy will be when my son is in bed.

Dads freezer literally is filled with frozen pizzas. Sometimes ice lollies...sometimes waffles.
I have been shopping with him before and i was deeply embarrassed come the check out.
7-10 pizzas, 4-5 bags of multipack crisps, 3-5 different varieties of chocolate bars. Body wash, paracetemol, ibruprofen. Every single time. I have even told him he is addicted to tablets as he buys them constantly.
For our son he adds in, yoghurts (sometimes), snack attacks, crisps and biscuits of my sons choice, sweets, packets of fruit...since i mentioned the dentist. meatballs and fruitshoots.

I think i will see how i get on with sending food over before i speak to someone else.

[YoScience]

What does the dad eat over the course of the weekend?

[Sunnyminimalist2]

It has to be dealt with.

[Sunnyminimalist2]

I would speak to the school nurse or health visitor and get her to contact your Ex

[TheOnlyColditz]

WTF, this runs deeper than laziness, and you know it! He threw away prepared meals to stop your son eating them, what the fuck is the matter with him?

[Sunnyminimalist2]

Is it worth teaching your son how to cook a few meals so that he can with time, provide himself a good meal at his dads.

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Dad would let him use the money to buy a toy or something...
I will sort something out to send over some food with him this weekend. Ill find out off of my son come sunday whether he was allowed it or not. Unless dad tells him to tell me he ate when he didnt.

My son loves tuna and pasta so i could make that. It would be ok to be eaten the following day wouldnt it?

What other things could i do that will keep? Sandwiches...

Dad might be offended but he might pull his bastard finger out

[OnTheEdgeToday]

Sorry about my spelling. I blame my phone
You're right, it isnt exactly hard work to stick a couple of things in the oven.

I have told him if he doesnt lessen the sweets, and sugary crap then he can start doing dental appointments as i get frowned upon because it is clear to the dentist my son has lots of sweets.

He wont even buy juice so he can make him a drink. He buys numbers of fruit shoots so he can just grab one when he wants one.

It is just down to pure laziness when i look at it all as a whole. Which is ridiculous as he only has him on a weekend. Refuses to have him on the sunday night so he doesnt need to do the school run on the monday.

But...to everyone else he appears to be the perfect dad

[Yika]

It also sounds neglectful to me, especially if he actually rejects any help to provide better food. Very bad that the son is actually not even getting enough to fill him up.

I really don't know what to suggest however. Can you give your son some money so that he can buy himself a sandwich or a bread roll when out with the dad? I'd also suggest sending something filling like a sandwich or a tub of cold pasta at least for the Saturday night.

Would the dad let him have fish and chips?

[TheOnlyColditz]

I would call the social services

[fiftyandfat]

You could contact the school nursing team and ask their advice.

Nutrition is very important in the context of education.

[bearleftmonkeyright]

You see, 99% of Dads would have no problem with cooking their kids fish fingers, beans and oven chips for example or a pizza. He is not doing that. Cooking your kids some tea is the bare necessity of parenting in my opinion. He is not doing that so he can't even do the bare necessities. I hope you get some advice because I have not been in your situation but he is failing I think. You are right to be concerned.