Domestic violence and its effect on contact

[ihavequestions]

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years, and lived with my ex for another year afterwards until he moved out. Although obviously we weren't completely separated as our daughter was conceived (accidentally) during that year!

I would like to know what effect his behaviour will have if we go to court regarding access.

I worry that because I have hit him back in the past (never excusable, I know, but it's hard to tell yourself that at the time, with no other way to show your frustration at not being in control of your own life) that I will be honest about this and he will just deny everything I am accusing him of and I will look like the evil one. He even denies it when talking just to me - don't know if he genuinely believes this or if it's some kind of mind game. He is bipolar, so this may have an effect.

He is still being abusive now, hardly ever physical, but still controlling and critical. E.g. he said he wished I would die and they would get on fine together. Or tells me I feed her too much and to stop 'sticking your tit in her mouth' and 'put your breasts away'.

And I don't like the way he acts around our daughter. For instance, he often uses a loud and aggressive tone of voice around her, wakes her up on purpose so he can play with her (and often gets bored and hands her back after 5 minutes), made her cry on purpose once to get me to apologise for criticising him for not comforting her. And he often blocks her view/makes me leave the room if she is looking at me when she's with him as he seems to be jealous.

Every time we disagree on a parenting decision (or even if he's just annoyed with me about something not directly related to her) he threatens to feed her meat when she's older (exclusively breastfed at the moment). I'm vegan, and he was too when she was conceived, and it's very important to me to bring her up vegan (partly for health reasons). So he knows saying this will make me fall in line, and not do anything he doesn't want (like move to a different city near my family for support/contact with her cousins).

As well as the meat threat, he says if I screw him over (i.e. do anything he disagrees with), he will screw me over by hiring a good solicitor and getting as much contact/custody as possible. I think he doesn't necessarily have her interests at heart, and is at least partly using her against me.

I gave the information about DV in my housing application (when still living with him, so I had higher priority to move, but have lost this now he's moved out). And I have twice in the last week reported incidents to the police but said I don't want him charged (so he can't get cross with me as there are no consequences for him). I also have a photo of another bruise from a long time ago (it was too impressive not to take one!). But that is the only evidence of anything, as the time I went to hospital for a head injury we told them I'd fallen over the dog.

However, the vast majority of his abuse was non-physical, so I wouldn't have any evidence of that anyway. And his family seem to think his behaviour is normal. His mum said I was the controlling one (this may be because I have no social graces, so I appear brusque, but it's not possible to control him, he would just do the opposite if you tried). She was in an abusive relationship herself (may have something to do with his issues).

The recent incidents were regarding my flat keys. He wouldn't give his back (two came with the house, I had the other three cut myself, so he never owned them anyway) when he left. He lets himself in all the time, often without notice, sometimes when I am not in (and has used my washer/drier/eaten my food!). I got them back as he left his keyring by mistake, but then he demanded to come in to see the baby and took my set of keys from my bag (and didn't stay to see her). I followed him to get them back and held his arm/T-shirt to stop him leaving but he shoved me against the edge of the wall by the door (my back is bruised). He now claims he only took the gate key and doesn't have the others (untrue, unless he's dumped them somewhere).

I am aware that although Social Services like to be cautious about contact in cases involving DV, the courts will almost always give the NRP contact. I plan to breastfeed on demand for as long as she will do so (so could be up to 7 years) - can they force me to let him take her without me in this situation? And how likely is it that he will get contact with regard to the DV issue? And what kind of contact? E.g. supervised etc. I am worried they will say he's only a threat to me, so he can have her alone, but although I don't think he would hit her, he certainly has a short temper and may well verbally/emotionally abuse her if she annoys him.

I don't want to ask the NSPCC as they will have my contact details which identifies me and can then contact authorities as they see fit. And we have already been involved with Social Services (because I chose not to have a midwife at the birth) but no follow-up from that as they were satisfied. But I don't really want to involve them either as they will find out I omitted information by going along with lies he told them (e.g. never taking drugs, still being together).

Sorry for the excessively long post!

[ihavequestions]

No, I don't know what pickgo was talking about, didn't notice any judgment. Maybe they got you mixed up with another poster.

Very helpful thanks, exactly what I was looking for.

[PinkCarBlueCar]

You're welcome, ihave. I think maybe pickgo thought I was unhelpful by scaring you - that was not my intention.

So long as you openly and honestly engage with help and seek it out, you and your DD will be fine. It will be hard work, but it will be worth it as you and DD will be safe, and you will get there.

[pickgo]

I would like to believe that the DV he subjected you to made you act in the way you did.

When (and given the DV you're talking about it is when) SS get involved, they will want to see a mother that is taking all reasonable precautions

I thought these statements were judgmental and unhelpful - judgmental in that the OP should NOT be made to feel she is in anyway NOT believed, particularly here on a support forum and unhelpful, in that to mention SS and what they expect when OP is still suffering physical violence is loading pressure on her.

If you don't agree OP, that's fair enough - just my opinion.

WRT to contact, you will need a solicitor to help sort out contact (trying to agree this with an abuser is a nightmare and useless). WA will know the solicitors who are expert in DV in your area.

Saying you're not bothered about doing this stuff for yourself is so sad though OP. You SHOULD be bothered about yourself. You are important and do not deserve to live in fear or anxiety.

Get in touch with WA, they are really good and will not become more involved than you want them to be. I really think you need some rl help and support to deal with what sounds like a really scary/nutty feckwit man.

[cestlavielife]

abusive/controlling people play dirty - and can act charming - you have to eb strong to get people on your side and ensure you and your Dd safety.

you might find this long article helpful as it discusses the fighting back/provocation situation

• long article scroll down to:
  

www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=279


Abusers almost always characterize their relationships as mutually abusive, if they acknowledge any behavior problems of their own at all. Under close investigation, however, most domestic abusers, even those who use relatively low levels of physical violence, are revealed to involve extensive patterns of verbal degradation, psychological abuse, and other types of cruelty on the abuser?s part, and to involve a marked imbalance of power. There is no substitute for careful evaluation to see if this is the case.

The concept of ?violence resulting from mutual verbal provocations? is in itself a disturbing one. What kind of arguing is a woman permitted to do before she is defined as provoking violence? A woman who is being abused is likely to have multiple sources of resentment: the unrelieved burden of childcare, the insults and name-calling, the degrading sexual comments, the affairs, the neglect, the violence. If she periodically becomes enraged and confronts her abuser about these things angrily, is she provoking violence? Is there any way in which she can forcefully defend her own interests, or her children?s, without being labeled provocative? This characterization can only serve the interests of the abuser. In fact, it appears to be an adopting of the batterer?s view, endorsing his way of characterizing his victim as holding responsibility for his actions. Johnston even goes so far as to say that if a woman ?tried to leave or refused to communicate with him,? the abuser?s violent response should be considered part of a mutual provocation (Johnston, pg.196).

In sum, the danger that a domestic abuser represents to his children can only be assessed by examining him (as common sense would dictate), not by examining his victim.

[cestlavielife]

when i said she not in danger - you hadnt mentioned any agression to her - or concern abotu how he is with her etc - but you may have those concerns.
my exP was never that good with the DC always asking for help from me etc.

but yes as an abusive person he is potentially a risk - see lundy bancroft again.
www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=261

his DV against you is good reason to ask for a contact centre for handovers.
but you ahve to ahve the dv recorded. cannot eb sjtu your word - espec as you ahve previously told eg hospital it wasnt DV at all...

supervision of him and children - in my case this was granted because of ex's diagnosed MH issues including self harm and extreme anxiety as well as violence/agression towards me and in front of the children. including incident in which he refused to leave house and effectively held us hostage for two hours... which eh was arrested for and admitted to everything.(not charged)

it seems that in cases where it is dv against the mother - but no or not many specific incidents towards/in front of children - or no suggestions faather / mother is unable to care for child - then supervised contact /contact centr e would be first step - to ptoect teh DV victim - but if that goes well in so far as the parent/child relationship then would lead to unsupervised.

in my case, contact centre (supervised and observed/recorded) went very well and it moved to supervised outisde with mutually agreed adult - with judge saying - but otehr cotact as agreed which means you should be moving towards unsupervised as and when you/Dc feel ok about it - so it moved radually to unsupervised during summer 2010 -

BUT
september 2010 he was clearly getting more depressed/anxious on pick ups, (later his friends told me they had been concerned for few weeks and he had stopped taking his meds./was refusing to take them) and over the half term my dds reported he was kicking things in street (day one) then (day two) that he attcked dd2 pulling her hair etc and she then asked me not to let him pick her up as she was terrified of his behaviour.

so we back to supervised and in fact DDS have refused to go so only ds1 is seeing him once a fortnight with one of his friends who comes to pick him up (DS is ASD/learning disabled)

so in my case there has been clearly diagnosed severe MH issues (anxiety /depression which apparently makes him out of control - or rather - he has consistently shown he unable/unwilling to take control of his MH issues and manage them) as well as - in my opinion - controlling personality (his behaviour over the years cannot be purely explained by MH)

but court/judges were pushing for contact.
one judge seemed to believe he was simpluy upset at separation therefore lashed out at me - but this should not impact on contact with DC - that is the perceived view: DV against mother should not preclude contact between dad and DC.

but clearly in some cases the DC remain at risk and the DV is not exclsuive to the one person....

[Meglet]

If I were you I'd get him charged next time. Don't muck about and wimp out of it. .

Speak to womens aid, they can give you practical day-to-day advice (some of them will do the locks for you and make a safe room). They should also be able to put you in touch with a contact centre. By all means try and keep your DD in touch with her dad but as he sounds like an abusive prick then make sure they are supervised. Just because he's a dad it doesn't give him the right to behave badly, he needs to grow up and shut up for his daughters sake.

FWIW I had my XP charged with harrassment which calmed him down a little, attempted mediation ( he was thrown out for being nasty) and he didn't turn up at the contact centre. He's made his own bed but at least we don't have to put up with abuse anymore . Weirdly he does pay the full amount via the csa, but luckily he doesn't send cards or pester us anymore.

[notsorted]

Hi OP,

I read your post as in similar dilemma myself, sort of.

Definitely WA. Speak to a solicitor and both they and good SS should recognise why you have tried to minimise abuse. It's very common. I did it. Think one thing is that you want to be able to manage when all around is chaos and it is empowering sometimes to think you are able to deal with it and calm things down so you don't have to fear antagonising him further.
And WA, plus solicitor will be able to put strongest case for contact centre as they have heard it all before.
Keep strong xx

[maristella]

The best thing I ever did when trying to stay safe from my ex was to call the police, and harden up.

As cestla says you call the police if he tries to get in to your house, you call the police if he initimidates you, you call the police if you are fear. You need to document everything, record all the facts then record the effects of his actions. You need to be upfront and honest with support agencies if you want to be believed; I know that takes courage but you can do it :) If you have been honest and open then your concerns will be taken seriously.

I honestly think the only way you can escape his control and stay safe is to take control and enlist the support of the authorities, firstly the police

[ihavequestions]

Well, I reported both the key-related incidents to the police, and went to make a statement. I explained I didn't want him arrested as this would make his behaviour worse, and they said it was victim-led and they probably wouldn't do that as I didn't want them to.

They kept ringing my landline even though I chose email as my preferred contact method, didn't give my landline number (only mobile because the landline ringing wakes the baby up) and it is ex-directory.

He answered the phone once as I was feeding the baby while he was here and they spoke to him about it (I hadn't told him I'd reported it) including asking if we were back together (just because he was there) even though I'd told them he comes round to see the baby. I'm not happy they did this.

They then called my ex in to give a taped interview, arrested him and put him in a cell, tested him for crack (as it was a theft report) and took his DNA. He says that they believed his version of events. He told them he hadn't taken the keys and I attacked him (i.e. holding his arm/T-shirt) for no reason and he pushed me away in self-defence. He said I gave him the gate key later. He says they think I've done it to make him look bad for court when custody/access comes up. I haven't heard from them yet (this was yesterday).

So much for involving the authorities!

[cestlavielife]

well there is some inconsistency between you saying he has been violent - then inviting him in your home. even tho that is to see the baby.

[cestlavielife]

best to decide if you want him out of your life -then dont let him in the house - you can meet with baby in a cafe /library where there are wtinesses and public which is safer.

if you let him willingly in your home it all looks confused - even tho womens aid etc know that women often report dv then allow the perpetrator back.

[ihavequestions]

I suggested meeting in a cafe - there's one round the corner between our houses I go in regularly, but he said no to that one and suggested McDonalds (to be facetious as he knows this is not an option for me). I don't think a library would be a good option though, seems cheeky just to go there and make noise when we aren't reading the books (he won't do that with her).

He will probably just veto any other suggestions I make and then say I'm preventing access if I ask him not to come to the house. And of course I can't really object to him coming with his mum when she visits.

[cestlavielife]

yes you can actually. you can decide who comes in your house. you can say - your mother yes but you no.

and mc donalds -well you could just have coffee there you dont have to eat burgers. what is your objection to mc donalds (not my first choice but if it was Mc D versus my house then mc D every time!) ?

by saying you cant come to my house you are not preventing contact with your dd if you offering alternative place for contact. he is manipulating you

[ihavequestions]

Yes but then his mother would have to know why and she would hate me too. She seems to think our relationship was mutually abusive (if she knew that term). Besides, if she is there it is supervised.

I can't explain the McD thing or it will out me. He wasn't serious anyway.

I will try to find another option or persuade him to meet at the cafe.

[differentnameforthis]

Sorry OP, but I am very confused! You have had realms of great advice here, you report him for taking & not giving back keys, you want to protect yourself & your daughter....yet he is IN YOUR HOUSE!!!!!

Have you not listened to any advice these good people have spent a lot of time giving?

[differentnameforthis]

And of course I can't really object to him coming with his mum when she visits

YES you can. You tell her that he isn't to come. If she won't listen, she can't come either!!

PLEASE op, listen to the posters who are trying to help you!

[hairylights]

Gosh you sound like you've been very tolerant of this dickheads behaviour! The most important thing right now is to sort out your ted sod intact with hum for handovers. You need to ensure he dies bot have keys to you rr home (I'm quite :o ) at how laid back you are. And maybe an anti harassment order?

You realise yiur dc will already be picking up on this? For her sake alone you need to sort this out. Contact women's aid as a first step.

[hairylights]

I meant am

[pickgo]

I'd normally suggest you ring the superintendent for your area constabulary and give them a really good rolliucking about not observing the safety parameters of your case.

But in this instance you can't really, because as others have said, you've invited him in to your home. So how seriously should they take you while that continues?

Stop enabling OP. Involve WA.

[cestlavielife]

what your mother feels about you is her problem.
really the chances are that she will support her son not you - that is life.
so forget his mother

and having her and him in your home still puts you at risk

[ihavequestions]

Well I let him come round with his mother and explained I wanted to meet in public from now on. She decided to leave and waited for him in the car, he was angry at my suggestion and took my laptop hard drive, the modem and router. He'd given me the hard drive to replace a failing one (it was a gift, not a loan) but I suppose the modem/router were more his as he was paying for the internet as he had a server here still. He also deleted some stuff on my Kindle. And I suspect him of taking/hiding the thermostat, but perhaps that's paranoia...

Fortunately he's given them back now, and agreed to meet in public. He won't come to any of the mother and baby groups though, which is a shame. So we pay to go to a soft play centre.

There is no Womens Aid office in my area, but I will contact the domestic abuse referral team (made up of police, social services, and a domestic abuse organisation worker), as the police gave me their details.

[cestlavielife]

What about local library?
Well done anyway now stick to it

[Birdsgottafly]

OP i would use a contact center, tbh.

SS will suggest this as you have two 'issues' which 'flag up' to them, the DV and his MH condition.

It is ultimately for you to take control and stick to any plans that are made, don't let him or his mother try to win you round.

[munkeychops]

It is awful to hear this is happening to you, I haven't read others responses so sorry for any duplication. I think the impacts of going through the proper procedures and getting black and white contact sorted is likely to have a much less negative impact on your daughter than the alternative, which seems to be you floating along with the abusive relationship. You may not be "together", but it sounds like your lives are still very much enmeshed - he comes and goes as he pleases etc. I know having a child together will make a clean break hard but you really must for the sake of your daughter - the impacts of growing up in a family with emotional and physical abuse can be devistating for children - they are more likely to grow up and enter abusive relationships themselves ... she could try and protect you by getting between the two of you should physical abuse start up again and get hurt herself ... and the way you describe him interacting with her sounds very worrying in itself. You sound like a very loving mother - someone who wants to prioritise her childrens needs over all else. I think the best way to do this would be to go through official routes - get support from womens aid where necessary. I think social cares involvment would be no bad thing so long as you stick to what is the interests of your daughter - they would support you in leaving him for good and creating a safe and secure environment for your daughter to thrive.

I know all this is easier said than done, and I think there is a statistic that says it on average takes women seven times of "leaving" and abusive partner before she will actually do it for good. Don't let yourself and you daughter become one of these statistics. Go to court, get black and white contact sorted so he can't manipulate you with it and turn up whenever he wants. I would keep a log of all abusive events (both physical and emotional) if you don't already. Depending on how severe the abuse has been in the past I would also consider getting together a "safety pack" - so that should you ever need to flee your home with your daughter you have a bag of items you can take that will help you (some cash, some ID like passport as that can be vital when trying to get housing etc, a list of important numbers (maybe womens aid/refuge, family if you don't know mobile no's off top of your head, a comforter for your daughter etc etc)

Take care, X

[munkeychops]

... just read a bit more - him taking your modem for internet access etc. Domestic violence is generally all about power and control. He is trying to cut off your social ties and keep you vulnerable and alone. It is very important that your don't let him cut out all your family and friends, stay in contact with those people who care for you and find someone you feel able to talk honestly to about it. This kind of behaviour is typical - he may know you use this site and get support through it. A lot of men (or women) will hide car keys etc as a similar means of diminishing independence. You deserve so much better than this so called man, and so does your daughter. xx