hiya, i havent been here for ages but just needed some support

[piratecat]

I used to come on LP alot. I don't know if any of you are around that remember me.

I have had a disastrous year last yr with one thing and another.

I have just had a shitty new yr, and am feeling very lost and sad.

I am not here for a flaming, tho i know the gen consensus on mn for me getting involved with a married man will be to shoot me down.

Yet, in my defence i pushed him away for months, and still we fell in love, but now he's gone. I know i am amongst women here who have been shat on, i was one of them. I just know now, that life isn't bloody simple and hearts and flowers and marriage is forever. I know that believe me. I trusted someone again, and now he has let me down, i was alone for 6 yrs and thought i had sorted out good from bad, but hey i went down a shitty path.

I am just extremely annoyed with myself for thinking we were on the same page. Yet when it's come to it, he can't be with me.

This is ok, i want him to be happy, but he isn't. has banged on for months that it's only me he feels he can have a future with. i need to vent here becuase rightnow i am falling apart, and yes i do feel sad, and i also feel stupid.

[lowercase]

Happy Birthday Pirate!


seize the day!

[ChasingSquirrels]

hang in there PC, I know you want to hear from him today - but it really is better if you don't.
Happy Birthday, and hope today is as good as it can be.

[piratecat]

hi angerree, thanks for sharing.

What a difficult and upsetting time for you. Like you said, it is the kids that light your day and get you thru.

He last text me monday. this is the longest we have had with no contact.

It's becuase he has finally woken up to the hurt he has caused me, that he is seriously letting me go now. Before, it was back and fore all the time. Before i got very annoyed, did some swearing and said enough.

It just reminds me of that horrible place i was in when dh left me. The finality. Different in some ways becuase dh just said thats it, i don't love you and refused to discuss ten yrs of life together.

This hurts becuase i know this man loves me.

[Anngeree]

Hi pirate,
Bn there myself fell for someone who was already in a relationship had a dd 2yo. He was a work colleague aswell, perhaps other people could see the chemistry before I noticed it because another colleague made a point of informing me he was in a relationship I remember being quite indignent at the time (there was nothing going on at that point) but he chased after me, everyone knew he was unhappy in the relationship he was in. A mutual friend pushed us together in the end, i'd tried to keep my distance but ended up falling for him skip 4mth I find out i'm pregnant suddenly his relationship with his partner is great he "isn't leaving her now" Again I could understand him not wanting to leave his daughter esp as he had little contact with his children from his first relationship due to him having an affair with the partner he was with. He seemed so sincere made mistakes in the past didn't want to make them again,he told me he loved me, I would meet his children etc. I brought up the subject of safe sex I got the response "I don't like using anything" and mistakenly took that for he would support me if it happened because I was ready to be a Mum I felt like he was the one but when I found out i was pregnant he told a mutual friend he could leave his partner but not his daughter he changed jobs, phone no. didnt answer mobile.He did tell his partner but she forgave him. Ds is 7 now and has never met his dad he pays CSA but that it as far as he's concerned. I blamed myself for so long for making my son do without a dad but i've come to realise he was only interested in one thing and everything he told me was what I wanted to hear and that he was a fault when he knew he wouldnt be able to commit to a relationship with anyone else.
What i'm basically saying pirate is you're not alone your not the only one whose made the mistake we all want to be loved (what's so wrong with that?) we played with fire and got our fingers burnt. It hurts like hell the only thing that got me through was my ds and your kids will get you through too.
If he's serious about not wanting to hurt you ask him to stop texting as hard as it may be he's stopping you from moving on while he's keeping in touch.
Sending (((hugs))) take care.

[ninah]

no advice pc just a hi
and happy birthday for tomorrow

[MrsS01]

yes it was the promise of forever I think. With the bloke I was already with it was a ldr so we didn't see each other much - I thought that was what I wanted, but then the new bloke seemed to offer more. I think he just wanted family life back and wanted to replace his wife with me, then realised it couldn't be so and he misses his wife.

I'm okay just wanted to know you're not alone, dating is hard, but I think each time you do it you learn a bit more about what you really want.

Its a roller coaster.

Hope you have a good day tomorrow and keep posting if it helps.

[piratecat]

sorry for you, i know it hurts.

I wonder why you went for him, was it that promise of being settled down?

It is so hard to know your own mind sometimes, that part of it freaks me out.

It's my birthday tomorrow, as i have mentioned, and i wonder if i will hear anything.

It would be best not to, for it would only cause more of the rollercoaster catch 22 suffering i have been in. Yet at the same time its going to be a tough one not to hear from him.

I hate this freefall.

I am sorry your man let you down.x

[MrsS01]

Piratecat - i know exactly how you are feeling and am in a similar situation. I was seeing a bloke who was separated - my instincts told me he wasn't over his wife but he kept telling me he was ready to move on. The relationship went faster than I wanted, kids met each other etc, he talked about moving in together etc etc. I half expected him to tell me at Xmas he was going back to her but he didn't and we went away for new year. I was just feeling relaxed that it could be and we had a great time but the next day he told me he couldn't get over his wife - hurts like hell that he could tell me all those things and then do that.

Even more so as I finished with a bloke for him as he was telling me all these things about forever and the other bloke wasn't - and now I miss the other bloke more and wish I hadn't finished it :(

I keep hanging on to that neither of them were right for me

[MrsS01]

Piratecat - i know exactly how you are feeling and am in a similar situation. I was seeing a bloke who was separated - my instincts told me he wasn't over his wife but he kept telling me he was ready to move on. The relationship went faster than I wanted, kids met each other etc, he talked about moving in together etc etc. I half expected him to tell me at Xmas he was going back to her but he didn't and we went away for new year. I was just feeling relaxed that it could be and we had a great time but the next day he told me he couldn't get over his wife - hurts like hell.

[piratecat]

thanks lowercase, i have some plans for tomorrow, and will try to make the most of time with me and dd.

Although its 'Always time with me and dd' if you know what i mean, i must remember to feel blessed i have her.

Very down today, as the days go by it seems to get harder, and i have been going over stuff in my head. Need to put some things to bed, and other things i have to re evaluate, i know it's something i have to do for my sanity.

I am the sort of person who gets over things by replaying things in order, and working thru. otherwise it's all too overwhelming, this longing for him .

[lowercase]

why not make a cake with DD?

celebrate the day anyway (force yourself)

blow up some balloons.
wear a silly hat.
fake smile.

do other things you like, is there a book you want? even a self help / health one?

do you drink?
get your favourite tipple / chocolate / whatever

[piratecat]

hi thanks.

still a bit shocked today by this feeling or rather this numb weirdness. Yet trying to do all i can not to slide down mentally. I am on anti depressants anyway.

It's my birthday on saturday and have just arranged to go over to a mates for the evening/night to get out of here. dd will be coming too and its only 8 miles away but seems like a holiday to me.!

Me and my friend are going to go to the cinema, for a Johnny Depp fix. her partner will look after dd. i am really pleased i have a plan as it was looming a bit, and i din't want to be on my own. I get out so rarely.

I am feeling relief too at the moment that this has concluded, as i can concentrate on one feeling iyswim.

[Monty27]

Pirate its good that you sound resolute. Hoping you're feeling strong soon. Take care of yourself.

[piratecat]

it was a bolt from the blue, 20 odd yrs for him and 15 for me since meeting someone. so bound to be 'different' or 'exciting'.

I was lonely before yes, but not seeringly so. In fact ionly became aware of my loneliness when we started to rely on contact.

[piratecat]

i promise i won't go back.

it really is over, and he has said so. if he contacts me, i will ignore. i know that this whole thing has made us both ill, i have been stronger though, and more practical.

He's deffo had a total breakdown, thru his guilt, and been diagnosed with depression before he met me, or chased me. I have known him 2 yrs before this.

I think, that this IS for the best right now, and it IS best for him to stick to it. He never has before. I have hurt so bad this time i won't go there again with him.

IF, and i really am not hoping, he come back to me in x amount of months, and i still feel i love him, then we will see. But only if he leaves and makes the break.

thankyou again.

[hatesponge]

Pirate am sorry you're still feeling low. To be honest it will take a while. I think in instances like this, where you have let your guard down and really started to think something might come of it, it is really v hard to then realise that isnt the case.

I know that when I stepped away from the situation I was in, having realised it wasn't going to work out, certainly not in the short term, the sadness I felt was physically painful. We'd planned future Christmases and birthdays together, and I honestly believed it would all happen. Coming to terms with the fact he was at best a dreamer, and at worst a total twat, was tough, and took a long time. You can't switch emotions off, even though you know you shouldn't be feeling them.

I hope that 2011 brings you a man worthy of you.

[claireybear82]

ive been here and its horrible. you need to work on self respect for yourself which is why i will never ever get into this situation again. forget all the fate crap for a start - if it was "meant to be" then he will leave his wife and you will live happily ever after. otherwise its not meant to be. i get the feeling you are lonely and stuff. you will meet someone right for you one day but its not this person. not unless he sorts himself out before. PLEASE please do not go back. you will end up in a great big mess trust me. being the other woman is absolutely horrible and makes ur self esteeem even lower then its a vicious circle to get out of things. be strong.

[Monty27]

Hi Pirate sorry you're going through this crap. He has been a bit of a git doing all the chasing and then dropping you like this. It must really hurt and I hope you can move on as soon as possible.

I don't know whether you would be prepared to be 'the other woman' but it looks like at the minute that's what it would be.

He should take your advice and take time out and sort his life out if its you he wants, before he approaches you again.

You have my sympathies anyway, when you fall for someone you do.

There's no point in you beating yourself up about it either, I think this man actually did mislead you.

Big hug.

[piratecat]

thanks x

LP is a blessing to post on, as it allows more shit to be discussed. I guess alot of us have been in very difficult emotional places.

He has made his choice, and is now back to where he started, just before he started chasing me. Maybe now he will be able to see what he could have lost with his homelife.

[piratecat]

thanks again for your kind words.

I won't beat myself up for getting involved, I KNOW the circumstances were wrong. I tried my hardest for months to push him away. yet as you just said beingsetup, he just kept saying he couldn't imagine his life wihtout me that he loved me, always would, was ont he verge of doing it, ie leaving.

I was always saying things like 'maybe you are having a crisis, perhaps you should work on things, take time out' support support all the time. Thats me though, i t was a very thin line between being me and being a fool. I could not see clearly, as i was having this person tell me time and time again, i can't do this, i can't let you go. I went on every forum, website i could find, just to read about anyone in this position.

My main gut feeling was to play i through to the end, becuase it never seemed to be right for us not to be in contact when it was not clearcut or resolved one way or another.

He should have made this decision months ago. Or i should have been stronger. He should have been stronger, but he wasn't. I felt as time went on, this must be that we will be together, because of the deep connection we have. I don't think i was being all silly and hearts and flowers, the bond grew so quickly and felt absolutely right. We were both bowled over. We just clicked, and thats why it went on and on. During the initial bit i only saw him twice in 3 months, and we kept away. These two meetings in a cafe were to discuss, and the first one we agreed it was best not to embark on anything as it wasn't right, fair etc... I said i didn't wish to be involved with a married man, and he said he loved his wife and had never contemplated meeting someone else and was totally shocked by what was happening to his feelings.

It took about a month until we met again, very briefly to say this isn't going away is it. He kissed me goodbye, and that was that the feelings were out properly.

i dont even know why i am writing this down. guess it helps to put it into an order.

From then on we'd keep passing each other, not sending a text for days then texting at the same time. In any other situation it would have been a very meant to be start to a relationship. I knew each time that hey this isn't a good start to anything, but fate kept pushing us together. I just thought, well what if, maybe this is meant to be. We did our own things, never met up for a date. went on our own holidays, i dealt with my life, dd's illness etc... He did his thing.
It took another 8-9 weeks till we saw each other again, mainly in tears to discuss it. Again, only a kiss. But by now there was alot of sexual attraction. Yet we never discussed it, as it seemed the last messy bit of this bond iyswim.

Fast forward another 2 months and we went on a shopping trip, and i knew by now it was probably going to happen, and we did have sex.
Two weeks later he confessed. that was december 1st. We immediately stopped contact, and then he turned up the week b4 xmas with a gift, and god i miss you's.

but now he has gone. and thats that. i know i sound all sad and self wotsit but thats how i feel right now.x

[Mzdemeanourunderthemistletoe]

Hi Pirate - sorry to see you back in such sad circumstances ...


Have been on both sides of this one ... and to be honest would echo what's been said here - whatever has happened between you, he's now made his choice, you need to stay strong and help him do the decent thing.

If he wants to be with you, get him to be a man and leave his wife and children first.

I hope you will be able to stay strong and move on and that this year brings you happier and less emotionally turbulent times.

[maledetta]

It can be very very hard when a man offers you everything you have ever wanted and yearned for, and provides reasons for why it really can happen against the odds....Sometimes you just can't find the strength to turn him down, and let yourself believe him.

Selfish selfish selfish wanker.

[beingsetup]

Hi pirate sorry you are feeling sad. I wish I had some words of wisdom just stay strong and make peace with yourself and I hope you find some happiness this year...

[piratecat]

yet my mum, who has been good to talk to btw, said had it come to it and she had to leave us, my and sibling, said no she doesn't think she would have done that. She never had to contemplate not living with us. it's all terribly confusing and just sad.

[piratecat]

thnks scarlotti for posting again.

Cut and dried, no it's abysmal to cheat. I won't make excuses for that. Or for me. My mum cheated, but she was unhappy, so I saw it from an angle whereby if a person is unhappy, then it might, just might be what can happen. ie mym mum has been with the man she cheated with now for 25 yr. So my role model was her i guess, im my expereince iyswim.