When a parent gets ill?

[DaysofHoney]

Hello everyone,

We are currently in the Middle East, and one of my parents back home has had a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. I know people can live with stage 4 disease, but the prognosis doesn’t sound good and the proposed treatment would be brutal/disfiguring - they may refuse it. I feel very far away, despite flights going ten times a day, I just don’t know when the right time to go back would be?

I suppose I’m looking for anyone’s experience of this and how you managed it?

Kids are at primary school here. I could take them out for a few weeks now, to spend some quality time prior to any treatment or any decline, but wouldn’t want to take them out for much longer than that. Then there’s the summer holidays but we work and not likely to be able to take the whole school holiday off.

DH and I both work, though mine is more flexible and given the circumstances I’m willing to ask for unpaid leave as and when it’s needed.

I have siblings who live close by, but the parent lives alone and I just wish I could be there.

If you went through anything similar, how frequently did you go back to visit? Did you take kids? Was it awful? My guilt is pretty massive, being here instead of at home. Obviously we knew something would happen at some point as our parents aged, just the reality and practical side of things is hard to navigate.

Grateful for any insights and advice 🙏

[SpringOfContentment]

Im sorry to hear your news.

How "easy" is the flight home?
I've known 2 families with similar situations - but in both cases it was the none working spouse affected.
Family 1: mum and kids decamped back to Aus, kids enrolled in school, stayed until after the funeral (9 months).
Family 2: Dad got Thursdays/Sundays off once a month (we were a fri/sat weekend). Mum flew on Wed night, returned for Monday. But it was a direct flight. If you've got childcare, a version of this might work?

[DaysofHoney]

Thank you so much for your quick reply - exactly the kind of practical insight/options I was looking for. Really appreciated. The second option could work - expensive and exhausting but doable.

There are direct flights yes but they are £££. Indirect is more realistic if I’d be doing it more frequently.

[CrotchetyQuaver]

My brother was the overseas family member. Basically he left me to it with both parents. We are not close now.

[LaPalmaLlama]

I think the priority (with the help of your siblings) is to establish timelines and what they plan to do- will they have treatment or will they decide to go down the palliative route? I would then try to take the DC back to see them soonish before they deteriorate as it will be a better memory for everyone. Thereafter I'd probably come back on my own as often as possible after discussing options with my employer. Do you have a helper? If so can she and your DH manage the DC between them if you go back to UK for long weekends?

[DaysofHoney]

@LaPalmaLlama

I think the priority (with the help of your siblings) is to establish timelines and what they plan to do- will they have treatment or will they decide to go down the palliative route? I would then try to take the DC back to see them soonish before they deteriorate as it will be a better memory for everyone. Thereafter I'd probably come back on my own as often as possible after discussing options with my employer. Do you have a helper? If so can she and your DH manage the DC between them if you go back to UK for long weekends?

Edited

Thank you for this - I think this is what we have settled with. Going back soon ish to see them with the kids, then me going back more often alone. Timelines are still unclear but it sounds like they do want to attempt surgery - which gives me some hope!

[tiutinkerbell]

I'm in the same situation, also in the Middle East however I don't have kids. I have been doing the over and backs for almost 18 months but it looks like she is starting to deteriorate hugely in the past few weeks so myself and my partner have decided to move back to be with them. I decided I couldn't live with myself if I missed out on a little more time with her by prioritising work/money. It is incredibly tough and I feel for you. The heartache this has caused in my family is immense.

[Pepperama]

A colleague quit her job and moved kids to dm’s country to look after dm until her death for a year, then moved back. Big upheaval for the kids but she doesn’t have siblings, and dad had already passed away, so it was mainly down to her