Is anyone here realistically never going back? How do you feel about it?

[GoodtoBetter]

I've been in Spain for the best part of 15 years and am married to a Spaniaird with DC of 6 and 3. Due to family issues/money we haven't even been back to visit since 2006. I will realistically never live in the UK again, bar civil war or something in Spain meaning I have to flee. I'm quite happy about that, I like my life here and I've been away soooooo long now and have no ties there really now (some friends and my nationality basically) I don't feel a desperate longing or miss it. I'd like to visit and show the DCs, but ca't imagine living there again, I think I'd miss Spain..it's where I've spent my whole adult life. But sometimes I get a bit wistful, or something..I don't know, a little twinge. Over silly things like watching Countryside 999 of all things just now on the iplayer and seeing the beautiful landscape.
Like I say, I'm happy, my life is here, my kids are Spanish to all intents and purposes, but at the same time I'm not Spanish, not explaining it well. Does anyone know what I mean?

[Forestmushroom]

I'm in a similar situation to you, OP, in that I came abroad on a whim and then met DH, fell in love, had babies, settled down. I have been here 5 years now and I thought I had pretty much accepted that I will never go back to live in the UK. However, lately I have started to question this and wonder if maybe we should try to give the UK a go in maybe 3 years time when we have had time to save up some money and sort out some things here.

I wasn't able to go back this year to visit for the first time since I've been here and it really affected me and made me wonder if I am ready to give up my country for good. I also think maybe DH would have better work prospects there, even though I have a good job here and he does have a job. I have a baby and toddler so it is important to make the right decision. At the same time I worry that my marriage is going to struggle if my DH doesn't get in a better work situation and where we live that doesn't seem to be possible.

We have in-laws close by here and my parents visit regularly but I know my family would be thrilled if we did go back there.

[JewelFairies]

I've been in the UK for over 20 years and done all my adult living here. For the past two years I've been more restless and not sure where I belong any more. About to go back to Germany for five months to get it out of my system . My guess is by October half term I'll be begging to go home (ie UK) and by Christmas I'll be desperate. Fairly sure I'll happily grow old in the UK but the school term abroad will give me certainty, as well as being a fantastic opportunity for the dc to spend so much time with their grandparents.

[GoodtoBetter]

NoSnow, have you still got lots of ties in the UK? I think part of the reason I'm not fussed really about going back is that apart from friends I have no links there now. No family really in the UK and haven't even set foot there since 2006. So, it's sort of another life now. But obviously it's also where I spent the first 24 yrs of my life. Although, give it another 10 years here and I'll have spent more of my life in Spain than the UK.

[NoSnowJustSand]

I've lived abroad most of my life but would hate to think I would never come back to the UK. We're in the process of buying a home here and I'm hopeful that when our DC have finished school, we'll move here. Fingers crossed!

[RedNosedClone]

Goodto Better I'm relieved I'm not the only one to feel that I don't really fit in anywhere.

I'm never sure if it's due to foreignness or because I'm just a natural misfit

It's difficult to find people who share my cultural references, I'm too British for the locals and too local for my British friends

[RedNosedClone]

Granny you are very lucky to have a lovely extended family, I think it makes a big difference to how you settle in another country if you can feel that you are accepted by your in-laws and truly belong. Unfortunately for me, this isn't' the case, although it has little to do with me being a foreigner - they just happen to be a very dysfunctional family, and emotionally distant even with each other. I had hoped to feel that I was part of the family but I don't. I don't take it personally though because they are like that with the local in-laws too.

For my part, I sometimes wish we could up sticks and go to live in the UK as life is hard and uncertain here, but realistically that can't happen as it is too late for us to build a new life there, we''re too old. Also, my Dh would never leave his country, nor would I leave behind my DC and grandchildren. Our family unit is very close, and as the old saying goes, home is where the heart is.

Yet a part of me will always remain quintessentially British. It's just that the British bit of me is in a time warp

[GrannyOnTheSchoolRun]

I left the Uk when I was 18 and the very new wife of a Gulf Arab. Im now 56. I have 5 children and my 5th grandchild was born less than a week ago. I love my life here, its home, its where I was always meant to be, but if you saw me you would be confused because for some reason people seem to assume that given my love of the country I should be wearing an Abaya and doing my best to resemble a local lady. The reality is that there's nothing about my outward appearance that makes me look anything other than a middle aged British wife.

My children are all from here, being a local is their identity, but they have that international air to them that so many of the people from here have, and my heart bursts with pride when I hear them speaking one of the three languages they speak.

I never want to live anywhere but here, Im blessed with a wonderful extended family and I have the respect of the locals. I also have wonderful local friends who are my family now.

I like to think i'm the perfect example of how a person can come to this part of the world and be whole heartedly accepted and respected because of the person they are.

I have a home in the Uk, its our running away to home just in case things ever go tits up here, and this is looking more and more likely given whats going on in Iraq. The Uk takes a fair bit of battering but I appreciate it for what it is - the wonderful country I can always run away to if need be,

[GoodtoBetter]

I think that's it, rednosedclone I'll always be a guiri (foreigner) here however much I like it, but I think I'd feel foreign in the UK now too, it's not my home any more. I like my life here but sometimes I feel a bit like I don't totally fit anywhere.

[AdoraBell]

I know what you mean. We've been here, Chile, for nearly 11 years. DDs feel Chilean, speak Chilean (as opposed to Spanish Spanish) fluently, I'm still not properly fluent, and the only reason I can see for visiting the UK is because DDs haven't seen things like the London museums, Buckingham Palace, Houses of Parliament etc, but when we do visit we never go to London anyway.

Also, I have zero interest in football but was gutted when Chile went out of the world cup but completely not bothered when the England team lost to Uruaguy.

DH wants to move on, no expat package, but even he doesn't really want to return to the UK. It has changed too much and we have both changed too much.

[alteredimages]

RedNosedClone you sound just like I imagine I will be in the future. The cost of medical care worries me too, and I know exactly what you mean about being a foreigner everywhere. I relate to your comment about having a simpler life, but when I talk to other people back home I realise that what I (we) have done is something extraordinary and has made our family's life and culture so much richer.

[Britchick76]

I moved to Toronto, Canada 6.5 years ago, I married a Canadian 2 years ago and now have a 7 month old. We have talked about moving back to the uk in maybe 6 years time once my husbands contract is up so that our child/children can get to know my family and experience life there. But it would only be a temporary move as I/we love the Canadian lifestyle.

[RedNosedClone]

I've lived in DH's country for thirty years, raised my children here and now have grandchildren, so I'm unlikely to return to live in the UK .

On the rare occasions I return for a visit I feel slightly alien - the country I grew up in has changed, I too have changed. After living in a completely different culture for so long I see things from a different viewpoint now. Life in a poor country has changed my values, and I'm often shocked at how greedy and entitled some of the posters on MN appear to be. There is so much to be grateful for in the UK, especially the NHS and the benefits system. Living withoutthe security net they provide is stressful to say the least, and illness can cost thousands of pounds

I will always be a foreigner in my DH's country, but I have also become a foreigner in the UK

Having said that, I felt terribly homesick yesterday watching the Tour de France going through places I visited and loved as a child, it made me ache with nostalgia, and a little part of me felt that life would probably have been much simpler if I had never left.

[alteredimages]

I am realistically never going back to the UK, though sometimes I feel that I want to.

I am in Egypt and married to an Egyptian with 2 DCs. We have just returned from a couple of years in France, where DC2 was born, and perhaps the settling in period is colouring my judgement at the moment.

There are lots of things I really love about Egypt and I feel that there are lots of opportunities for us all here. Although he is open to the idea, I don't think that DH would move to the UK when push comes to shove, though he would be happy to return to France.

However, although I speak Arabic fluently and have a good relationship with my in laws, sometimes cultural differences make me question my sanity and I feel more alone than I ever felt possible. The next day I am fine again, but I do worry that I will reach a point where the loneliness becomes less fleeting.

I also worry (probably just narcissism) about my children growing up with such a different frame of cultural reference to me that we will always be to some extent strangers. They are trilingual and I hope that they will feel a strong sense of identity and won't feel trapped between different roles.

I have one really good British friend here and I often call her to check if I am being mad or just British.

I can relate to a lot of what you say Mousquetaire, also living with MIL at the moment and it is very limiting.

[LeMousquetaireAnonyme]

I think I know how you feel. I left my country in 1998, and going there less and less because of money and lack of place to stay. I have been twice this year because my dad is really ill.

I like it there but don't really belong, but to tbf I never really fitted even before I left.
I will probably never go back as DH is from 2 different countries, DD2 was born in another.

DD1 was born in the UK and feels british even if they refused to give her a passport We are here for now, but with no "expat" community and almost no movement of population it is very difficult to fit in. Almost everybody was in the same primary as their kids and are not really open minded to change and different ideas. They are pleasant but I have no friends and feel really isolated. I really can't join in the conversations they have their knickers in a twist about things I find completely normal or even good (especially at school!).

We will probably be on the road again, anyway but it would be nice to have so kind of friend there. Well it doesn't help that we have no money and are living with MIL so we can't invite anybody and I can't go out with them either. The price of a night out in the UK is "gasp"

[TanteRose]

Been in Japan for 23 years now, obviously will never ever be thought of an one of the locals but I speak/read the language fluently and have made good local friends so do feel part of the community.

My DH and DCs are Japanese (DCs have dual nationality) and I imagine I will be here for the rest of my life. I have good role models for this as I belong to a group to foreign wives married to Japanese guys and some of the ladies have been here for nearly half a century! Can't imagine how tough it must have been back then - very glad I have the Internet etc.

[nooka]

We moved just over six years ago, first to the US and then to Canada. We don't plan to return to the UK and next year hope to be able to apply for Canadian citizenship (they are changing the rules currently so we might have to wait another two years which will be annoying). We decided that we didn't want to go back to the UK a couple of years ago, not because we don't like it there, but because here feels like home, and we think that if we decide to move it will be somewhere else new. I was asked if I would apply to a job in the Middle East last year and seriously thought about it but dh would like to live somewhere in the developing world at some point and 'give something back'.

[gregsageek]

I have been in the US for six years now - DH is American, I am not. DCs were both born in UK but we moved here when they were toddlers - they have only ever known here and have American accents etc. Interestingly they both said recently that they felt more British than American, although I think that is simply because they were born in England, and therefore in their minds they are British.
I try not to think about it too much, but I know we will probably be here forever - I couldn't move the DCs without a massively good reason, would feel so awful about such an upheaval for them.
It can be a difficult life being an emigrant, as opposed to an expat.

[MumofWombat]

I've been in Australia for just over four years now. Married an Aussie and have two little Aussies around my ankles.
I still get homesick, but am very lucky that immediate family have visited a lot and we've been over to the UK three times so far. DH is open to living in the UK, but tbh I can't see it happening. We are very lucky that DH bought a property before house prices went silly here so we have a 4bed 2 bath open plan house with enough garden to play in. On visits to the UK my kids missed the space everywhere. In the house, in the (many within walking distance) parks and play areas, at the beach etc. And I think not being able to play cricket almost every week of the year might be too much for DH! DH has a secure job with prospects for promotion and he seems to be well regarded there.
My DS as a rare heart condition and my DM feels that the proactive care they (public health) gave me during my second pregnancy and then my DD to fully check her out just wouldn't of happened on the NHS. She worked for the NHS for half her working life.
I just don't feel I can uproot the known and the security we have here for the times I am homesick. So I'm making the best of it. I'm going to apply for citizenship this year, DS will start Kindy next year and I'll learn to not hate the hot weather!

[PasswordProtected]

I have lived in Germany for over 26 years. I cannot imagine returning to the UK, ever.

[SteveBrucesNose]

We're not going back. We've been away for 6 years now. We won't be staying in the UAE forever, because it's not that sort if place. Our next move we're thinking Canada or Far East - I fancy NZ but he thinks it too far away

We're in the process of buying our 'forever home' in villamoura in Portugal. ThTa where we plan to retire to, unless we find somewhere else in the meantime

[GoodtoBetter]

Hello, MrTumblesBavarianFanBase I know what you mean by disliking the whole expat thing. I've been involved in TEFL one way or another for years so most of my friends are not Spanish, but they're mostly like me in that they've settled here and had kids, often married to a Spaniard. Other, younger, more flighty expats, I don't tend to mix with. I know some other Spanish mums now that DCs are at school, but nobody really I would, say meet for coffee or go out for a drink with.
I'm OK with that though, I have a good social life with a set of people who are, like me, realistically here for the long haul.
Like, I say...I haven't even visited the UK since 2006 and I'm not sure how I'd feel now...I think it would feel quite odd...so familiar and yet so changed, it must be. I think I'd feel a bit like a fish out of water there now too. It's home, but it's also not.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

We are in Germany (Bavaria, hence the name :o ). We moved here in 2007, shortly before DC2 (of 3) was born, with DC1 a very small toddler. DH is local but from about 50km from where we live and we met and married in the UK, and lived there together for 7 years before moving.

I am in between, as in baring unexpected/ unwanted emergency situations we will live here until the kids are finished with school - so at least another 15 years, as the youngest is 3 ... my kids are more German than English (specifically Bavarian more than German) though they speak English indistinguishably from native speakers, and the eldest is bi-literate. I would hate to uproot them and "return" them to a country they have only visited on holiday, and I think it would be worse for them on almost every level to live in the UK.

I don't "belong" here exactly though - I dislike ex-pat society (by which I don't mean I dislike everyone living as ex-pats obviously, but I dislike the prevailing attitudes of "otherness" and superiority, and of impermanence) but I have really only got good German aquaintances, not close friends, and don't think I'd be here (esp in the countryside, where we live) if not for the kids.

I hope to live somewhere else by my late 50s, but no idea where, as DH and I both agree on moving then, but have different ideals about where - it will probably depend on work and other practicalities in the end.

I am very clearly British and will never be anything else, it is important to me that the kids have that side of their identity in tact too - there is nothing in particular that would make me want to live in the UK again though.

[GoodtoBetter]

That's a shame, echt is it a money thing for them? If I had family I could stay with I'd be there for a visit like a shot!!
We don't get many visits and don't really have room for them anyway. Good friends come and stay nearby every 1-2 years. My mum lives out here too but that's a whole other complicated story and to be honest, life would be easier if she didn't :(

[echt]

We moved to Australia eight years ago, in our early 50s, so knew we'd have no jobs to go back to. Possibly this coloured our attitude to settling in, i.e. make the best of it.

With all its imperfections, I do like it here, but then I didn't leave the UK because I though it was shite, just that something new and interesting turned up. There was never a sense that the grass was greener in another country. We liked the UK, and now we like Australia.

I have family in the UK, and have been back a few times. Have they come here? Nah.