Family visit guilt trip

[Brandnewbrighttomorrow]

My SIL and family have lived overseas for the last 5 years, we have been to visit them at least once each year and have made seeing them our main holiday at Easter for the past two years - we stay for a week in the house next door to theirs. They come back once a year in the summer but for the second time they've chosen to come during our term time so our two eldest will still be in school (their schools break up sooner)

They will be here for a fortnight and have said they will come to us for one weekend. I know that they have other people to see but they are only here once a year and I just feel so sad that we won't see more of them, especially for the children - we have 5dc's between us, the eldest four are all the same sort of ages and just adore each other. I've asked if they could base themselves from ours for more of the time but they have booked very day out to see other people ahead of us even finding out they're coming. We don't get to reciprocate being hosts and I'm starting to feel that we can't impose on them by going out there for a week again next year - which means we'll see even less of them :-(

Anyone else in a similar situation? Any ways you've found around these difficulties would be so gratefully received...

[pippop1]

How about the OP offering to host and organise a weekend party for the visiting relatives. Anyone who wants to see them should come to the party. It could be a drop-in kind of thing, say 3pm to 11pm with tea and cake on offer all day.

That way the relatives get to see everyone (that is interested in making some effort to see them) and the OP can spend some quality time after the party with her visitors. You could even ask the guests to the party (not the overseas relatives) to bring a cake/plate of sandwhiches as the SIL will not be able to take anything much back in her luggage anyway.

[AdoraBell]

You do sound lovely Brand but I'm not sure your SIL has deliberately engineered her holiday to avoid you in terms of school terms. I have had so many visits back to UK hijacked by my ILs, meaning I didn't get to see family and friends, that I hardly ever visit now. OH goes and sees his family and explains that it's term time here so that's why he's on his own.

I agree with the idea of explaining how you feel in terms of returning the hospitality, just take care not to make her feel pressured.

[mummytime]

FIL is only 150 miles away but we only get to see him about 3 times a year. We have a lot of commitments at weekends.

[Sunnydelight]

A weekend with one family out of a fortnight's holiday sounds quite reasonable tbh, especially as you've already seen them this year. I flew back from Oz to visit my elderly father last year and ended up with 24 hours in the city where DH's brother, wife and two kids live. Thing is, it's also where a few of my closest girlfriends live. I knew if I contacted my SIL she would assume I would want to spend the whole time with her and the kids, in reality it would have been nice to pop in for an hour but I really wanted to see my friends so I didn't tell them I was coming. It's just impossible to keep everyone happy.

[madwomanintheattic]

That's why I mentioned it was trickier with kids, lol. As a singly, it was dead easy. Once babies were involved, I flew more.

That said, we used to drive from freaking Glasgow to the south of England for the weekend.

I can safely say that there are only so many times you can sing old macfreakingdonald before your head explodes. Far safer to leave at bedtime and retire to bed when you get there, leaving the offspring various (refreshed as they've been akip for the duration) in the tender care of whichever replies you fetch up at.

I think I was more suggesting the op does it towards the mainland... I try my damnedest to keep stuff to the week. It never works.

[Portofino]

Every month madwoman?! In theory we live close enough to do that. But the reality is, dd has classes and parties and play dates, we have housey stuff and shopping, the traffic is bloody awful here on a Friday night, and dh doesn't like staying in other people's houses....

[Windandsand]

I agree with the posts here , it's hard to fit people in - could you offer to have their dcs for a couple of nights while they travel round? Your ail probably feels guilty enough - and the gp won't be around forever. I expect she has pressure from her family as well as her husbands...

[madwomanintheattic]

Depending on where they are in Europe, it's reasonably easy to drive for long weekends and stuff. Not so much fun for kids, but as I singly I would do it at least one weekend a month. Drive overnight Friday, leave Sunday morning to be back in time for work on Monday. (the other way, but it can't be that different).

Most expats have indeed gone for (theoretical) good. I assume the poster meant 'if' you were living in the uk again. I don't think any of us thought they were planning on moving back to the uk.

It does happen though. We have friends with Canadian Citizenship who had been here for ten years who decided to go back. You just never know, which is why you have to make the most of whatever you are doing at the time. Life's too short.

[Portofino]

You know, I would hate to have free flights offered - and hence have my holiday time dictated. Does that sound awful? And like I said earlier, they only have to mention on FB that they will be in xx on xx and all of a sudden....

I love my family, I love my friends - I truly WANT to see more of them. But I also need time for me, time for dh, time for dd, and our family holiday is when that happens. We are always so busy.

[doradoo]

BTW - we're only in Europe too and most of our family are in SE Uk but it doesn't make it any easier!

[doradoo]

We're in the same position - coming back on Monday to the UK for 2 weeks and haven't told the in-laws we're coming as we're back in October to see them and TBH I have so many other people to fit in I can't do it all in once go.

What I really wanted to say though was what get's me most worked up is when we're back and people can't make the effort to come to us - 1-2 hours down the road - when we've driven 1000km.... it's all give and take - family tend to be the worst - all 'well you WILL drop in and see us' - well no because you're in the middle of nowhere!

As other people have said, when people come to us it's all about the visit - when we go 'home' it's not, we have to fit so many things into a small time that we don't have much time to actually do what we want/need to do - especially no we are confined to school hols - we're back for 2 weeks from Monday - and it's not school hols in the UK so we can't catch up with cousins etc. Even our planned trip in October doesn't conincide fully - so it'll only be a day and a half overlap of half terms - but such is life whe you live overseas....

[Brandnewbrighttomorrow]

Btw, they're in Europe, not on the other side of the world.

[Brandnewbrighttomorrow]

Wrt to the expat comment, they aren't coming back. They moved away permanently, so this is how it's always going to be. We have a small family (she's my only SIL, my brother died a few years ago) and these are my children's only cousins. I guess I do feel more strongly about it this year because we missed seeing them last year ( my dad died) I just want the chance to spend time together as a family and be the host - we never get to share any part of our life here with them.

There's five of us and we need to hire a car if we fly to them. Bil works in the uk for much of the year now, he's back and forth regularly (he'll be working while they're over this time) but sil and kids only come for these two weeks. When we go to them we drive as it's too expensive to fly, especially with car seats, pram etc. They can't afford a holiday at a third location, which is why we thought about offering the flights so they could come again. I don't want to offend them by offering now.

I suppose I just have to accept this is how much we get of them.

[CloversMama]

Just to echo what everyone else has said to be honest - visits back to the UK are hugely stressful and not at all relaxing. We are back in the UK (from the Middle East) for two weeks later this summer and I have already had to print out a schedule for me, DH and DD showing exactly where we have to be and on what day as we already getting 'booked up.' Last time we were back in the UK, we spent the whole week driving all over to meet up with friends and family and having conversations along the lines on 'right, we're having lunch with your parents at 1pm, if we can then zoom over to x and have coffee with so-and-so, then we can be back for dinner with my brother and his wife by 7.' We left the UK feeling exhausted and unfortunately a few people were still upset that they hadn't seen us/had only seen us fleetingly.

My mum is also quite upset with me as we have actually booked to spend 3 days in the Lake District (just me, DD and DH) as she feels that this is time that we could be spending with her. To be honest, our time off from work is quite precious and people do tend to forget that it is meant to be a 'holiday' afterall, and some down time is needed.

[thanksamillion]

Brandnew well done for having the insight to post on here and for taking on board the responses. I can only echo what other people have said, we're coming back to the UK for 3 months this summer and already family members are disappointed that they haven't got a longer slot. We're also emailing friends with one or two possible dates for lunch and trying to fit in two or three people in one day. You get the picture.

Would a shared holiday in a third country be an option? It definitely sounds like a good solution.

[Outnumbered4to1]

Sorry for my post, it was a bit harsh. I suppose I see it as a fairly obvious dilemma but perhaps it isn't so.

[feesh]

I really wouldn't offer to pay for their flights to come back again, it's kind of emotional blackmaily. The nice thing about expat life is getting to explore other parts of the world, not places you could visit once you're back living in the UK again.

[madwomanintheattic]

She absolutely does, but paying for them to visit her alone suggests she hasn't quite grasped the time/ guilt aspects, not just that it's expensive this year because of the Olympics...

[sommewhereelse]

I think Brandnew deserves some credit for taking on board the comments on this thread.

Agree that it would be better to all go on holiday somewhere where you can all relax.

[madwomanintheattic]

Honestly?

If my sister (or another friend or relative) wanted to pay for flights for my family, so that I would stay with them, and not go and see anyone else, I would be appalled.

It's not the money, it's the time. The time penalty (I should be sharing this time out amongst if I am in the uk, and have brought the family back there).

It isn't the money.

And it wouldn't stop the guilt of being in the same country and feeling even more that you are letting people down in favour of the one who stumped up the cash.

It would feel like prostitution.

The third country idea for a holiday is the only way to get round that.

I can't even envisage having to discuss someone offering to pay for my family to fly to the uk and stay with them. It would be like putting my family up for sale to the highest bidder, and thumbing my nose at all of the folk in the uk who can neither afford to visit us, nor pay for us to visit them. The guilt would be even worse than it usually is when I visit the uk.

For me personally, that is a terrible idea.

[Brandnewbrighttomorrow]

Sorry outnumbered for my 'complete lack of insight' - having never lived outside the uk I don't know what it's like - which is precisely why I posted here.

Good suggestion somewhere else I'll ask my sil if we can sort out a couple of days to go down after school.

[MuffinTumMum]

I would echo what others have said. Visits to the uk whilst fun are exhausting and you never please all the people. Like another poster said, my husband doesn't class it as a holiday. It's rarely relaxing. Whilst your offer to pay for flights is very loving please bear in mind too that they may want to spend time away from work having their own family holiday in the region where they live. It's one of the reasons my husband doesn't come back to the uk with me and the kids. When he takes 2 weeks off work he wants to spend it on a proper holiday. Having an explore and a total relax. Just a thought.
Don't take it personally. It's the nature of the beast!!

[Maamekin]

Just to echo what everyone else has been saying - our summer trips back to the UK have to be planned like a military operation. We have so many people to see - we tend to come for a fortnight and spend a week with each set of grandparents, in different parts of the country, and then take day trips from there to visit other friends and family. This year we have arranged to see: both sets of grandparents, great grandparents, BIL and family, SIL, my 2 brothers, my uncle, DH's uncle, DD1's godparents, DD2's godparents, 5 sets of friends, some of DD1's old friends from toddler group... More people that we have days visiting the country!

I end up emailing people saying things like "Ok we are free on this or this date, or I could meet you for lunch while you are at work on this date, but then I'll have to run off because we are meeting up with x in the afternoon." It is really not particularly relaxing - of course it is lovely to see people, and we really want to see them all, but they need to understand that in this 2 weeks we need to fit in seeing everyone. It's really hard keeping everyone happy.

And it's true that the times we can visit don't always fit in with everyone - my mum and my sister can't get any extra time of work when we are visiting this year, so we'll just have one weekend day with them :( But that was the only time we could come. I console myself with the thought that they'll both probably take a bit of holiday later in the year and fly out to visit us, so we'll see them then.

[Portofino]

I 2nd what alicia says above. It can be exhausting doing a trip back to UK - and someone ALWAYS gets upset. Even if you pay for their flights so they can come and stay with you (a lovely thought) - please bear in mind that they still might be pressured by other friends and familiy to go visiting....and you could end up feeling even more resentful.

I would suggest BOTH families going somewhere else - rent a big villa somewhere in the school holidays and have a relaxing time!

We are off to France for 3 weeks in July. I know that family members feel disappointed we don't use more of our holiday to go back to UK, but we both work FT - I need a rest and nice weather and the chance to spend quality time with MY family. I think the guilt comes with the relocation package

[Brandnewbrighttomorrow]

Thanks for your comments. I think you're right I'm not seeing it from their point of view, reading your posts has helped me see what it must be like from their perspective. We didn't see them when they came last year as my dad died so this year feels particularly important. My son asked me yesterday if they'd ever been to our house he was too little to remember the only time they've been here.

SIL's family see the gp's loads as they own the house next door to theirs and gp's split their time between there and back here. DH is going speak to his sister to offer to pay for flights for them to come back during the summer holidays to come and stay here. That way while they're just here for the fortnight they can focus on seeing everyone else and spend some time with us here later in the year. I really hope they'll come, I just miss them.