Any ideas on how Ican help my mum .... very upset about us moving overseas

[shelscrape]

DH, DS and I are moving to NZ in January 2011. My mum is finding it very hard to come to terms with, bursts into tears whenever I talk to her. I was dreading telling her we were definitely going - I first told her about 18 months ago that it might happen, but I think she has tried not to think about it.

I feel like a complete cow that I have upset her so much. I've no idea what my dad thinks as mum is very dominant and is always the one on the phone, but I expect he is a wee bit upset too. Half of me says to scrap the plans to go, but I can't make all my life decisions just to make my mum happy.

Anyone else had problems with their parents coming to terms with a move overseas? Would welcome any advice at all on how to deal with this!

[thumbwheel]

oh shelscrape, I do feel for you.

When I finally confessed to having an Australian boyfriend, she was all "Oh I suppose you'll be packing your bags and heading over there then" in a sarky voice; but she was right in the end.

However - when I fell pg with DS and it was definite that we were getting married and would be emigrating she did start to talk about coming over to visit - not by flying, because neither she nor Dad could handle the 24 hour flight for health reasons - but by boat. I don't know whether or not she was starting to quite look forward to it, but it seemed as though she was.

Sadly though, she never got the chance as she died from cancer just after we were married. It made life harder and easier - harder to leave Dad, even though he has my sis living nearby with her 3 DDs; but easier in some ways because Dad was much more "you have to do what's right for you and your family". We do use Skype, I also phone him sometimes (when skype is buggering around) and I and DS have been back to England twice already since we moved out here. I don't know if Dad will ever visit us here (his health problems still pertain and he won't be doing the boat trip by himself!) but at the moment we can afford to go back once a year, so it's not the end of the world.

I do feel extremely frustrated sometimes that we are so far away and would really prefer not to be, but things are the way they are and we all just have to make the best of it.

[SeaShellsOnTheSeaShore]

Sorry, I meant bil's mum can fly for weekends to dp and sil's home country.

Bfing and mnetting doesn't always work!

[SeaShellsOnTheSeaShore]

You have some great advice here :) our survival guide has been (and it's even more important since grandchildren):

Always have a visit booked ie ours to them is next Easter. We alternate which country Christmases are in to be fair

Skype

iPhones for FaceTime

Weekly emails of photos

Photo texts if dc look particularly cute.

Dgp love it because they feel part of dc lives, and dc recognize them. It has been very difficult, and when my inlaws realized we were staying it was sad for them. We just try to make it work.

Sil has done the move back, and her dp is an only child. Been alot of upset, but they have a much shorter flight time and she has realised she can go for long weekends etc.

It's a compromise, but we had to make the decision for us not them, and make the best of it.

Good luck :) nz is stunning!

[charmander]

No problem, you would be very welcome (and I make lovely chocolate brownies too).

[shelscrape]

Thanks everyone. Mum still is not happy, havetalked about Skype with her, so will try and sort it by christmas so she and dad can play around with it. I am seeing them on Sunday and will suggest booking flights some time spring here/ autumn in NZ.

Charmander - thanks for the offer of playing with trains!

[charmander]

Skype games - go to tools at top, then click on extras and it is the first option.

[JustKeepSparkling]

(great tip about the games option, will have a look myself :) )

My BIL, his wife & 2 DC & bump moved to Oz last year. MIL was so upset about it, she ended up on some sort of meds (ADs perhaps, she never said) and with BP probs she was so stressed.

They used to live 5mins away from them, saw the GC all the time, and at the end they all lived with PIL while waiting to go, made it extra hard i think.

MIL used to complain that we live about 2hours away!

Things are still pretty raw but the usual things have helped her:

• Skype (lots! though i notice my anti-social SIL never appears on it)
  
• FB for sharing photos and just little updates about life
  
• booking a trip from the start
  
• seeing the reality of how much life has improved (BIL lived in a tiny terrace house, hardly a garden to speak of, not great catchment schools, they both had to work, etc - now big house, pool, near beach, SIL doesn't work, great school, etc)
  

And then FIL admitted that they had planned to move to the US when DH & BIL were small but basically chickened out. And that he totally understood that BIL had to do what was right for his family not the grandparents.

And fwiw, i grew up abroad, both sets of GPs came out to visit, and we visited both sets when we came 'back' this in the days pre-internet. As children we were all closer to one set than the other. it was all about the people - not how often we saw them.

Something maybe to mention - when your DC are adults/18 they may want to come to the UK to stay with GPs on their own/uni/etc. I def saw lots of my GPs from 18+.

Good luck with the move:)

[madwomanintheattic]

thank you! will investigate...

[Wordsonascreen]

If you go into tools on the skype menu it has the games option on there

[madwomanintheattic]

oo, someone tell me how to do the game thing on skype? my 3 are awful at talking to the gp's and that would help a lot...

we've been o'seas for about 15mos this time, and so far have had about 9 or ten weeks of gp visitors (with another 3 weeks at christmas). my mum had another breast cancer scare too, which was tricky. (she's still in remission - turned out to be scar tissue)

like others, i think you have to give it a try. nothing has to be forever, but you won't know if you don't go...

[LarkinSky]

Hi, it's a relief to hear of others in the same boat with 'the mum issue' as one poster put it.

I've lived overseas for a few years, currently in Europe. My Mum finds it very very difficult, and I feel incredibly guilty. DH and I have dd, who is the only granddaughter on both sides.

By a mile, the guilt and upset I feel about my beloved Mum, is the hardest part of living abroad.

She in turn makes me feel very guilty, although she uses all her holiday time and money to come and see us, and I go back to the UK frequently. She doesn't mean to at all, and she is a rock, but I just feel like a huge disappointment to her. She is so family orientated, and adores little children, and never dreamt she'd end up only seeing her daughter and granddaughter once every few months, or on a laptop screen.

Skype is good, but it's also bad, in that I don't have the same quality of conversation on it that I'd have on the phone. An hour skyping is taken up watching dd play or make animal noises (when it's a clear picture), rather than actually talking about our lives, feelings, mundanities. I'm currently trying to spread my communications between email, phone calls and skype video calls, and not just 100% skype.

Sympathies OP, and any advice from other expats gladly taken.

[thelittlestkiwi]

Lovely to see so many kiwi's here! Shelscrape- I think a lot of people go through this when they move. But we've found it fairly easy to keep in touch and I think the reality can be easier for parents than they expect. I've known of a few people whose parents refused to visit before their families left but quickly changed their minds. Once they see that they will hear from you by phone, email and on skype they will feel reassured.

NZ is a wonderful place for families and now seems like it is quite a good time to be leaving the UK. And as someone else said, it doesn't have to be forever if you don't like it or miss your families too much. Even if you end up going back to the UK you will gain so much by the experience. Good luck!

[lavenderbongo]

Hi. We have been in NZ for 18 months now. My parents are very supportive but I know that they miss us terribly and it is hard being so far away.
However we love it here and don't regret the move at all. The benefits for us and the children are so great that my parents understand why we took the leap.
We Skype almost every day and they came over last year and stayed for three months which was great. My girls actually saw more of them in the last year than we did when we lived in the UK. They stayed with us and we toured the country a bit and it was a really nice extended holiday. They also got to know the kids properly, took them to school and got involved in our lives.
When we got back to the UK for a visit we will stay with them for weeks at a time so we really do spend quality time together.

Its not easy but the benefits and life we have over here make it so worth while. Your Mum will understand eventually.

[charmander]

tell me about it. My lovely MIL still sends us emails asking for help fixing everything on her computer. She and parents skyped us everytime we came on time for first few months as they thought the notice saying we were online was us ringingthem up.

Thinking about it I do tend to email a link to any photos i put on facebook.

[ScroobiousPip]

Shelscrape, I think I spoke to you on the other thread too. We did the same earlier this year and I am literally counting the days down now til my parents come out to visit. I won't lie to you - it is very hard to see your child grow up and start to forget their grandparents and cousins. But there are lots of ways to reduce the hardship. Skype is great, lots of letters, cards and sending photos and videos via picasa all help, I've found.

Would your parents come out for part of the year? They can stay for up to 6 months on a visitor visa (if they rented their house out the cost might not be too exhorbitant). Also, housing is more affordable on the whole here and it is possible to buy a house with a 'granny annexe' without being a millionaire.

Worst comes to worst, it really isn't the end of the world to give NZ a go and change your mind after a few months or years. If you scrap your plans now, you'll always wonder 'what if' and, worse, resent your mum for forcing the decision on you.

I live quite a long way from Whangerei (it's lovely up there!) but if there is anything I can do to help when you arrive, let me know.

[ben5]

charmander we got my dad onto facebook to but he can't remember how to get onto it!!! (parents and computers!!!) should of spent more time with them on facebook before we left.!! its great for photos!

[charmander]

I know where you are going to be don't I? You are off to Whangarei Shelscape, i spoke to you on another thread.

We have loads of wooden railway and 3 boys aged 4,10 and 12. So if you ds needs a railway fix before your stuff arrives come down to Maungaturoto for a play.

[charmander]

4pinkbabies, I know what you mean about kids getting bored with talking on Skype. Have you used the games bi? -They can play noughts and crosses, hangman and all sorts of things on there together. It keeps the children on skype and gives time for them to chat a bit.

OP It is hard for parents. We brought the only 3 grandchildren for my parents and my husband's parents with us. My mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer since we got here and is about to have an (unrelated) shoulder op. My mil has health problems and is not currently allowed to fly for more that 2 hours - we live in NZ. She was very upset.


My sister misses us a lot but at least she is well off and able to travel. we are looking forward to seeing her in Jan.

Get your mum on facebook too. We use it to post photos on which is good for everyone.

Goodl luck with the move. NZ is lovely. Where are you going to be?

[4pinkbabies]

We were in the same boat..moved to Shanghai in August and as soon as Mum knew it was definite, would not even ask about it or acknowledge it. We were taking away her only 4 Granddaughters. And as far as she was concerned and still is, China is crime-ridden, dirty and backward. She made a million excuses not to visit for ages, but now that we are here, she is spending all her free time planning a 3-week visit. Then she will see that China is clean, safe for children and far from backward. Skype has been her life saver, although she spends the majority of her call telling us that we are a bit fuzzy tonight! It was a novelty to the kids at first, but now to my dismay they are getting bored with it! I have to bribe them to talk on it. It is hard. The last goodbye is horrible. I miss her too. There is no great advice, my Mum likes to sort out parcels for us on a regular basis and I email at least every couple of days, with such mundane stuff, which she loves. When you are over there, involve her as much as possible. My Mum loves to phone the extended family with all of our boring news. She is a kind of Shanghai family news agency. Good luck. I'm afraid the mum thing just gets harder. Be brave. You are doing the right thing.

[ben5]

My parents and MIL were upset but did get used t the idea. we set up skype before we left and used it instead of the phone so any problems we were able to help and also my 2 ds got used to it.
my parents had booked there flight before we even got our tickets!. we moved to australia in june 09 and my parents came out nov 09. they are coming again in nov.
i think that now they have been to visit they understand more why we moved. family life is much better as is the weather.
my biggest regret is that i didn't move over sooner.
in away my parents were lucky as my brother was expecting his first baby in aug09(number 2 due feb 11!). this has taken some of the pressure of us. my husband is an only child so no other grandchildren for mil ( but she could of spent more time with us in uk but thats another story!!) so in away i don't feel to sorry for her( that sounds awful but i hope you know what i mean)
go to nz and enjoy. if you don't like go back to uk at least you can then say you tried. good luck

[ccpink]

I'm in the same boat - only child. Mum in tears to uncle and worried not going to see grandchildren, 3 and 5 months!
Aargh! sorry I can't provide solutions as I need them too

[twocathedrals]

Can she afford to visit? When we moved overseas, having flights for a visit booked before we left really helped MIL.

[shelscrape]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Mum knows we are definitely going, but I think it only really sank in a few days ago. When she calms down a bit I will talk to her about Skype, my brother has already volunteered to make sure it gets set up properly.

I've had endless sleepness nights over the past 18 months about it all, I just knew she would react like this. I know we will all get upset when we do go, but Ruth and Tubby you are right I can't live my life just to make her happy. The main reason we are going is DH and I have wanted to do this for years, but dismissed it because of how other people will feel. I just don't want to get to the age of 75 and think "if only ...." .

Said - DS is the only grandchild, which I think is part of the reason why mum has been so upset.

[TubbyDuffs]

I live overseas and have pangs of guilt every so often (our DC are 5, 3 and 1 and the last DC was born over here).

I came to the realisation that I had to do what was best for my family, being the 5 of us (well 4 at the time), and that we as a unit were my main concern.

It may seem a little heartless, but you cannot live your life for your parents, or wait for them to die off before you do what you want!

My parents have been over to visit twice (for a month at a time) in the 3 years we have been here, and we have been back "home" twice. We keep in touch via email, facebook and are trying to sort Skype out.

Obviously your parents are going to be upset, as is everyone who knows you probably, as they will no doubt miss you.

[said]

Has she any other children/grandchildren?