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Life-limiting illness

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Original poster

Do I tell DCs their grandad is going to die?

43 replies

Tabbytabs · 20/05/2023 06:58

My dad (66) has leukaemia. He’s been in hospital for months and at one point it seemed he was going to be ok, but the past few days have been bad. Really bad. The treatment is no longer working and he has a few weeks left. I am overwhelmed with grief, I physically feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.

DD is 18 on Sunday and is doing A-levels and DS is 15 and is doing GCSEs. I don’t know whether to tell them yet. They know what is going on in terms of him having leukaemia and being in hospital, but not how bad it is. My mum wants me to wait until the last possible minute in the hope that he will last until after their exams, but I hate keeping things from them. DD especially will be distraught. She loves her grandad so much, but she cannot fuck up her exams. She needs 3As. I just don’t know what to do and any advice would be very much appreciated.

OP posts:

KatieKat88 · 20/05/2023 07:05

If you can avoid it, don't tell them until after exams, especially as it's what your mum wants. Give them opportunities to visit if you can though so they've still had lots of time with him? Or send him videos if not possible? From an exam's POV, they will get very little support from exam boards - for example a 5% uplift in marks for bereavement (I had a student whose father died in the middle of GCSE exams and that's all she got. It is appalling). So sorry you're in this situation

underneaththeash · 20/05/2023 07:05

I wouldn't say anything - I have children the same age and I also lost my dad to cancer when he around 60. People often take a long time to die, unless they contract an infection. Even then you usually get some warning and they'll hopefully be through the majority of the exams by then.

I know it's really hard.

Knackeredhamster · 20/05/2023 07:06

I'm so so sorry I'm going through the same thing with a parent and my child is at the end of exams at uni.

I too feel like I've been hit by a truck.

Keeping it away has been the hardest weight on top of this surreal world I've entered.

In my view in your situation I wouldn't tell them until exams are done. Or at least say nothing until you possibly have to.
They need all the strength for their exams.

Frenchfancy · 20/05/2023 07:06

At that age they are not stupid and probably already have an idea. I don't think there is anything to be gained from putting numbers on it.

Protect them if you can until exams are over, but if they ask directly tell them the truth.

I'm sorry you are going through this. 66 is so young.

GoodVibesHere · 20/05/2023 07:07

I would let them get through as much of the exam period as possible before telling them, to be honest.

GloomySkies · 20/05/2023 07:07

Tell them. My parents didn't tell us how sick our grandad was when we were teens so his death came as a total shock.

Hercisback · 20/05/2023 07:07

It's 4 weeks until the majority of the exams are over so. I wouldn't tell them. If they ask, be honest, but if they don't ask then don't say anything. They know he's poorly and getting some treatment.

GoodVibesHere · 20/05/2023 07:08

GloomySkies · 20/05/2023 07:07

Tell them. My parents didn't tell us how sick our grandad was when we were teens so his death came as a total shock.

He has been in hospital for months though, so I expect they do know he is very unwell.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/05/2023 07:11

💐such a difficult time for you all. Hope he stabilises for at least another month.

My DM is in a similar position although she is older and has little quality of life now. I would possibly warn your DC today that he is a little worse at the moment. They then have the weekend to process things. Plan a visit for beginning of half term. I have said that if DM dies in the night I don't want to know until after they will have left for an exam because me knowing will not change anything and I would prefer to tell them after an exam so they at least have the afternoon to process things before deciding what to do about the next day.

WandaWonder · 20/05/2023 07:11

I would mention it as I would want to be told, no one can predict how it will be taken but I prefer to be told information and then be left how to deal with it, I don't like being lied too

So unless I know otherwise I go with this

wildfirewonder · 20/05/2023 07:11

I'd be vaguely honest, personally.

They'll sense it anyway, and sensing it but not understanding could be more unsettling?

CC222 · 20/05/2023 07:16

I know it's a very difficult time with exams going on but personally I think they're old enough to hear the truth, and sooner the better. If they find out too late they could resent you for keeping this from them. They deserve a chance to have enough time to say their goodbyes properly, because sometimes the doctors get it wrong and things can progress much quicker than anticipated.. Don't wait to tell them, they deserve to know x

Original poster

Tabbytabs · 20/05/2023 07:18

I think it is the right thing not to say anything for now. I spoke to my mum about it last night and she suggested not to make any decisions about it until after DD’s birthday. They know it is bad, but because he was making improvements I’m not sure they realise quite how awful things are. I haven’t seen him for ages as due to infection control only my mum was allowed in, but from the way she was describing it all to me yesterday he is on his way out. He can’t sit or stand, he can’t eat and although he has moments of lucidity he is pretty much out of it.

OP posts:

eurochick · 20/05/2023 07:19

Have they been visiting him? I think it's important they see him so there are no future regrets. They don't need to know things are imminent.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/05/2023 07:20

I think there is a balance to be had between telling them he is going to be fine and that he is going to die. I think the sudden deaths are much harder to cope with than an expected death, however sad they might also be. The dc might additionally have feelings of anger that they were kept out of the loop and maybe didn't see him recently. A gradual drip of information, on the weekends / beginning half term, without necessarily saying he has X weeks to live will mean they have time to process. Do let the school know as well although as pp said the dispensation for bereavement is shocking.

handydandynotebook · 20/05/2023 07:21

Frenchfancy · 20/05/2023 07:06

At that age they are not stupid and probably already have an idea. I don't think there is anything to be gained from putting numbers on it.

Protect them if you can until exams are over, but if they ask directly tell them the truth.

I'm sorry you are going through this. 66 is so young.

I think this.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/05/2023 07:23

I'm so sorry about your dad OP 💐

I wouldn't say anything directly during exam periods if you can.

However, if he deteriorates, try to make sure they can visit him (I know you said visits are limited at the moment). I remember my DC (younger) were insistent on seeing my dad when he was end-of-life. I was unsure as it wasn't pleasant & my poor dad didn't look like himself. But even tho they were a bit distressed they were glad they did & it helped with their grief.

Greenable · 20/05/2023 07:25

I think as long as they know it’s very serious and nobody is telling them that it’s not very serious, you can put off telling them for a little while longer.

At that age, in a similar situation, I wasn’t told though I knew but didn’t think too much about how long. When I was told, they were a bit vague and simply said the person wouldn’t be around by a particular event that was coming up.

It turned out that after that there really wasn’t much time. But at that age you deal with things as they come.

itsgettingweird · 20/05/2023 07:26

My mum died of cancer last year. We knew she had weeks during the time ds was doing his exams.

I didn't tell him until afterwards.

For me it was because we couldn't change the outcome but the knowledge would have affected his exams.

Like your dad she'd been in and out of hospital so he knew she was poorly but not that she wouldn't get better now.

I'm so sorry. It's so hard to go through.

allthewoes · 20/05/2023 07:29

Sorry about your dad. In your situation I wouldn't tell them. It might be worth making school aware, I'm not sure if they can get special consideration if something like this is going on at home.

Original poster

Tabbytabs · 20/05/2023 07:32

He was so fit and strong. Always worked outside and was always building things in the garden and doing things to the house. My mum says he weighs less than 10 stone (he’s over 6 foot tall). My sister and I are allowed to go in next week, I have suggested we go together, but I don’t think she wants to go. I don’t think DS would want to go, but DD definitely would. I’m certainly going to wait until after the weekend to say anything. I’m trying to get all my crying done before they get up!!

OP posts:

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 20/05/2023 07:32

What @Frenchfancy said.
They are 16 and 18 and probably have a good idea what's going on. If they ask what is happening I would tell them.
If not and you have time try and wait till the exams are out of the way.
I remember when my Nanna died and I was 16 at the time. I knew how poorly she was, I could see. I could see how upset my Mam and Dad were, how stressed they were as my grandad was in another hospital and we were having to split visits.
The not knowing would have stressed me out more.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 20/05/2023 07:35

I have read your last 2 posts. It sounds as though he is approaching end of life. I'm so sorry.
I would tell them tbh, it is a shitty time but they might resent you for keeping this from them..

niclw · 20/05/2023 07:42

I'm a teacher and this week one of my Year 11 students was told that her mum has liver cancer. The next day she sat her biology exam and a question was about cancer. She had my lesson straight after the exam and she was sat there in tears. She explained what had happened and that she didn't answer a single question after that. My opinion was that the parents could have waited to tell her until the exams are finished. If her mum had been given only a few weeks to live I would say tell her but they haven't been told this. As much as possible I wouldn't tell your children. However, it might be worth contacting the school to request special consideration to be given if you have to tell them. It wont guarantee anything but at least everything has been done to protect your children's future.

haveitallnow · 20/05/2023 07:43

I've been the child here.

My parents (even though long divorced) agreed to keep it from me and not tell me until afterwards - my relative in question had actually had a tragic accident so complete shock.

I found out by accident in the middle of exams.

My marks for the exams before I knew were 90%+. My marks for after I knew were around 60%.

So I can see both sides and I know what I'd do. I'd hide it with everything I could. Would your dad want them to screw up their exams? Even if they don't understand when they first find out, they will. And if you think both your mum and dad don't want them to know and they can't visit even if they want to, then what is to be gained?

You can only do your best. Be kind to yourself. There is no right answer here as all families and people are different. Whatever you do, DC could be upset with you. This is not your fault. You've been given an impossible situation and are only human - a parent yes, but a daughter losing her father.

I hope you can be supported by friends and family OP. You can do this and you will all get through it.

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