Who should pay the travel costs re: making sure that child retains contact with non-resident parent?

[legallyblonde]

Maybe I should have put this in the "Am I Being Unreasonable?" section instead but anyway...

My DH spends approximately £100/ month on train fares to go and collect his daughter (who lives with his ex partner) for her to spend the weekend/ holidays with us and then to take her back home again at the end of her stay.
He pays a big chunk of his income to his ex-P every month via in child support.
He and his ex-P didn't go to court to arrange residency/ contact and agreed everything amicably themselves without the need for a court order.
I know that his ex-P bears most of the burden relating to the care of the girl but she chose that and she gets all the money for it.

I am going slowly insane about the fact that legally (as far as I can remember from my family law studies - I am a solicitor but not a family law solicitor) both parents are responsible for making sure that a child retains contact with the non-resident parent i.e. not only would it be nice but also a court is quite likely to order that, every now and then, she should bring the child to stay with us and should bear some of the travel costs.

Just to give you an idea how that mother treats us: she now wants us to have the child for the whole summer holidays because otherwise she "would have to pay for child care." I'm not kidding!!
My partner refuses to challenge her on anything because she has threatened to stop him from seeing his daughter (Yes - really!)

Please can someone advise me what the legal situation is here and how best to resolve it because I am about to blow my top and give that mother a piece of my mind! Grrr!

[Rufusdufus77]

Oh lord, I thought I did start a new post. I'm an idiot. Thank you 👍

[prh47bridge]

To say again, you would be better off starting your own thread rather than resurrecting an old one. People will respond to the OP rather than you.

Without knowing how much he earns, there is no way of knowing whether the amount of maintenance he pays is reasonable. I presume this isn't going through the CSA at the moment. It is not unreasonable for you to refer the case to the CSA, but be aware that they take into account any costs he incurs in maintaining contact with your child regardless of who moved.

[Rufusdufus77]

Hi all,
OK so I need advice....please!
My ex and father of our child, moved away when she was 3 years old. We agreed at the time that he would have her on the majority of half terms and 4 weeks of the summer holidays with Christmas being alternated.
I stated I was happy with this arrangement but that I would not being the one doing the transportation or paying for the fuel as it was his decision to move. He agreed and said that he wouldn't expect me to do this as again, this was his decision.
Somehow or another, we have ended up 7 years later meeting at a halfway point (which is a 400 miles round trip for us both) and I am having to pay for the petrol to do this. Once at the beginning of the week and then at the end when I collect her.
He gives me between £80-£100 a month maintenance (which coincidently comes from his new wife's account) and when I take out the petrol costs spread throughout the year, that leaves £5 a week for our child. He doesn't help in any other way (ie school uniform or trips etc)
He has now said this evening that if he has to drive all the way to get her, then DD will not be getting the maintenance for that month as he will be spending it on fuel.
I work full time and care for her on my own. I get about 100 a month benefits. I do not have the money to be spending on petrol to facilitate contact when he made the decision to move in the first place.
I have decided that I am going to ring CSA on Monday and speak to them.
Please tell me im not going mad or being unreasonable!!
Thanks all x

[prh47bridge]

@Rufusdufus77

He has her for 4 weeks, I have her for 2 of the summer holidays.

You would be better off starting your own thread than resurrecting a 10-year old one. The previous poster was almost certainly responding to the OP, not you. Other posters are likely to do the same.

[Rufusdufus77]

He has her for 4 weeks, I have her for 2 of the summer holidays.

[Myneighbourskia]

Apart from the travel expenses, I think she's taking the absolute piss expecting you to take SD for the full 6 weeks summer holidays or whatever. Max I would agree to is half. She'll just have to get childcare for the other half.

[Rufusdufus77]

OK so I need advice....
My ex and father of our child, moved away when she was 3 years old. We agreed at the time that he would have her on the majority of half terms and 4 weeks of the summer holidays with Christmas being alternated.
I stated I was happy with this arrangement but that I would not being the one doing the transportation or paying for the fuel as it was his decision to move. He agreed and said that he wouldn't expect me to do this as again, this was his decision.
Somehow or another, we have ended up 7 years later meeting at a halfway point (which is a 400 miles round trip for us both) and I am having to pay for the petrol to do this. Once at the beginning of the week and then at the end when I collect her.
He gives me £100 a month maintenance (which coincidently comes from his new wife's account) and when I take out the petrol costs spread throughout the year, that leaves £5 a week for our child. He doesn't help in any other way (ie school uniform or trips etc).
Am I being unreasonable to argue this and request money for the petrol?
Thanks all x

[Inliverpool1]

🙈

[Inliverpool1]

My ex deducts his travel costs from
The csa and then claims the petrol back from work too. There’s plenty of piss takers around

[MissMalice]

This thread is nine years old. You might want to start one of your own.

[nomes1975]

take her to court the questions is who moved away if he moved away he should be responsible for paying the travel cost not her
child support only cover the expense of food and clothing for the child think your self lucky im going throw the court at the moment 3 time i have a disable child and hes farther has moved 100 kl away from me i reserve no help with the child or expenses to my son medical cost i have given up working to be his full time care person as he goes to school part time and i take him two appointments weekly yet this is not good enough and he think i should do the travel every two week there my son dose not like to go there why he there in the holidays he put in to child care at 6am till 6pm at night i think if he want to help my son he live closer im a reasonable person and i would let him see my child as much as he like to but i think he just being a dickhead and it his choice were he lives i also think why would you not take the child for the holidays if she offed it to you and if she threaten you to stop visitation take her to court she cant sound like you need to for the sake off the child

[PatriciaHolm]

Another zombie thread! How do these things get found??

[Sweetassugar85]

What everyone is telling you is basically sit down and shut up! How dare you have feelings or thoughts!!
I on the other hand totally agree with you! And quite honestly if you are expecte to have her for the holidays and pay child ate And still pay child maintenance during this time it's absolutely taking the p*ss !!! And anyone that says otherwise is definitely the mother doing this kindof thing! Your husband needs to grow a pair and realise this can't go on!! You need to discuss this with him, if he is a family with you then you should be considered! And we'll if she stopped his child seeing him because of this he would be cutting her nose off to spite he face now would t she! As she would then have to pay for childcare over the summer and would also haveno one to have her every other weekend!

[Webuyanycardotcom]

Going to court is just going to put a bomb in the middle of everyone's relationships. Given how you describe their parting, if you think it can happen without mud slinging then you are very naive. You're already aware that she may stop contact yet you seem determined to press ahead.

I don't understand it. I get that it's hugely frustrating when things aren't "fair" (although I think in this case it's not unreasonable for you to bear all the costs), I get that it's hugely frustrating when one party behaves badly, when there's no negotiation over things. I've been there. But you have to pick your battles and if it's not that important (and I don't think this is) you just have to let it go IMO. It doesn't help your dsd to have the most important people in her life fighting over her.

And I think it's really sad that after 8 years you refer to your dsd as "the child".

[chaosisawayoflife]

I feel so sorry for your dsd. I can't believe that you are willing to risk your husbands relationship with her for the sake of £25 a week. I can't imagine he's too keen on that idea, and if £25 is more important to him than his daughter then why are you having a child with him? That poor girl, she probably already feels unwelcome in your home and that is only going to get worse when your child is born. If you can't accept that your husband has baggage and responsibilities outside of your relationship, why the hell did you marry him?

[GypsyMoth]

again,how old id dd??

so,you'd go to court and pay all the expenses asociated with it,time off work,childcare etc...for the sake of saving £50 a month in travel costs????

try www.wikivorce.com forums where you'll see that its not common for an nrp to get this new arrangement you want.....particularly as its been this way for so long and now YOU want to move the goalposts.

[prh47bridge]

Your DH moved away and seems to have done so voluntarily. It is therefore highly unlikely that you will be able to reclaim any portion of his travel costs from the mother. Trying to do so is a waste of time.

He may be paying more than he has to in child maintenance. The CSA formula, as I'm sure you are aware, is 15% of his salary after tax, NI and pension contributions are deducted. However, even if he is paying over the odds, from what you have posted it seems he is happy with this.

The mother of his DD is offering to let him have her for the summer holidays. Regardless of the mother's motivation, I'm sure he would want that. It seems you resent it and regard it as unreasonable.

As far as I can see you have not said that your DH is unhappy with the situation. Even if he is, pushing him into involving the CSA or taking legal action is a high risk route which may result in him losing contact with his daughter completely for several years. I'm not defending the mother and I certainly don't think she should stop contact but that is the risk you take. Who do you think he will blame if that happens?

You said that maybe you should have put this in "Am I Being Unreasonable". The answer, I'm afraid, is yes. You are being thoroughly unreasonable.

I doubt you will listen to me as you seem to have ignored all the advice on this thread that doesn't agree with your views. However, if you carry on down this route you risk damaging your husband's relationship with his daughter and destroying his relationship with you.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Apologies accepted, tanga

[Tanga]

Perhaps we are ignoring the impact of her behaviour on the second family because, erm, there isn't one? Oh no, I was forgetting, you have to spend money to maintain the relationship between father and daughter because he moved away.

But I don't think we should worry about this going to court because clearly your husband ignores your resentment about him supporting his child and just gets on with the arrangment that he worked out like an adult with the mother of his child, has just got on with it for 8 years and will probably go on doing so no matter how many times you fill in forms for him (?) and have your little tantrums.

I must say, though, your behaviour is exactly what I would expect from my experience of solicitors, which is why so many delicate childcare cases become damaging ego-flaunting showdowns run by people who clearly don't give a toss about the welfare of children and are entirely motivated by the money they can get out of it as soon as they go to court.

My apologies to decent sols.

[skidoodly]

We're not defending the mother. Not a single person on this thread has defended her. You're just pretending that we are to deflect what is actually criticism of you

"My DH spends approximately £100/ month on train fares to go and collect his daughter (who lives with his ex partner) for her to spend the weekend/ holidays with us and then to take her back home again at the end of her stay.
He pays a big chunk of his income to his ex-P every month via in child support.
He and his ex-P didn't go to court to arrange residency/ contact and agreed everything amicably themselves without the need for a court order"

There is NO problem here - a child sees her father, he pays for her (as he should) and it was all sorted amicably.

Hurray! Everyone's happy.

Oh, except a resentful stepmother who thinks is pissed off that her DH is paying for travel costs that have been incurred by HIS OWN move.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Are you really a lawyer? Because you seem to have a lot of faith in this impartial justice system that will see it your way. And most of the lawyers I know tend to be aware that judges are people too and will find ways to rule as they feel morally appropriate. If we're all saying something that you disagree with, has it occurred to you that the courts might just disagree with you as well?

Also, most of the lawyers I know have basic critical reading skills. I'll say this again slowly.

Nobody has defended the mother.

Nobody. No-one. Not one person has defended the mother.

Nobody.

[legallyblonde]

I think the mother should move nearer to us - how selfish and unreasonable of her not to do that! (No, I'm just kidding!!)

I'm still shocked my the number of MNers who jump to defend the mother in this situation and completely ignore the impact of her behaviour on the second family- truly shocking! Thank God there is the neutral CSA/ courts to intervene.