Social services- would this happen?

[gingergenie]

I had an altercation with my partner, involving my mum. I was very triggered due to prior long-term abuse and violence and called the police. We are working through stuff and are by no means out of the woods, but in spite of the fact that I believe we need couple therapy and he needs to learn how to manage his anger better, his X wife is now claiming that social services have advised her not to let the children see him.

He lives with me and my children (not his)? And I haven't been advised to keep him away from my kids. Would SS do this? He hadn't been contacted. We have reason to believe parental alienation is in operation. He wants to be a part of his kids' lives. But apparently SS have advised her not to.

I don't believe her but I'm not a sw or a family lawyer. Can anyone advised?

Well here we go again - as you seem intent on pursuing your disapproval of my posts, I have to say that I found your last post very patronising and no I don't have to "have a think" about the responses of some posters. I have (like others I'm sure) had numerous discussion on MN related to Children's Services. I have been able to re-assure several mothers who have been worried that their children could be taken into care. I have had many PM discussions with MNetters and they have been very complimentary about my advice and support. Indeed I have been in discussion for over 2 years with a few mothers, and I suppose we are "internet friends" and it all started with discussions about Children's Services.

I get frustrated at people who clearly don't understand how CSs operate and why should they - but they still post with advice that is often totally unhelpful.

OP - I'm sorry about this - are you any further forward about what is happening in your case.

Sorry that last post was meant for wherethewildthingsare

no I don't have to "have a think" about the responses of some poster

^This is your problem. Either you have very little self awareness, you can't take criticism and find anything constructive in it or both. You won't even give it a second thought. I've also argued with you before on threads, and I don't think you realise how you come across sometimes?

Sorry to de rail op.

I have tried to collect some useful information about how Childrens Services are likely to view violence here
childprotectionresource.online/if-i-report-domestic-violence-social-services-will-take-my-children/

Save to say that minimisation and denial are never useful tools for dealing with this.

Your primary concern must be for your own children now, not worrying about whether or not his ex is 'alienating' his children. At 16,13 and 10 the elder two at least are likely to be making their own minds up about whether they see him or not.

As previously stated, there was no violence. There was angry shouting based on months of tension that I hadn't previously Ben aware of. Of course I am concerned about my own children but if social services were that worried they would have done a risk assessment, surely? As it happens it transpires that SS wrote to the ex (even though there is limited contact and no overnight stays) to check on his children (not done the same to mine so double standards) and when asked they said that they have NOT recommended she end contact but she can if she wants. Which she has. He has an ongoing relationship with the 13 y/o. They don't spend time here and he doesn't stay overnight so unless oh was a serial killer, there is no danger. Please note: the police stated there was no violence.

Something happened that was bad enough to warrant you calling the police. You can't have it both ways; either you did right to ring the police, which proves its not a healthy atmosphere, or you shouldn't have rung the police, there's nothing wrong with what happened, you acted in an inappropriate way by ringing. Which is it? Either way something isn't right. She's doing the correct thing keeping them away from such an unpleasant, unhealthy atmosphere. It's just a shame you don't have the same level of concern for your poor children's welfare.

Wickedlady can I remind you that it is against MN etiquette to make comments (be they critical or otherwise) about who you've argued with on "other threads" etc. This is the internet and in the cut and thrust of "debate" there will be many opinions and often heated exchanges. That's the nature of this kind of forum. You're now castigating me for not complying with someone's advice to have a think about something (can't even remember what it was but it was critical and patronising) Do any of us know how we "come across" - it will differ dependant on the nature of the topic and the posters on particular thread. Do you know how you come across?

OP - it sounds as though the matter has come to a conclusion. At least you know what action was taken after the argument, and I think you probably realise that the 2 older girls are going to make up their own minds about whether they want to spend time with their dad, but he must be pleased that he has an ongoing relationship with his 13 year old son.

Unless oh was a serial killer, there is no danger

This worries me. I understand, op, that your are saying there has been no actual violence, but constant tension and arguments have such a dreadful effect on childhood I think that you are minimising what is happening. It's possible that your oh may become violent, and then there is a definite risk that your children will be taken away if you don't leave him. Read the link provided earlier on this thread. You have a duty to protect your children from witnessing domestic abuse (this includes emotional abuse, constant shouting, having to tiptoe around to avoid arguments).

You wrote earlier on this thread about parental alienation. This isn't a recognised thing in English courts, and both English and American psychiatry experts have refused to recognise parental alienation as a 'thing'. Too often, it is an accusation levelled at protective mothers who have valid concerns about violent and/or abusive fathers.

(My own ex is bleating on Facebook about parental alienation. The children miss him and talk about him every day. I stopped contact for very good reasons, but always talk positively as best as I can, and bring up all the happy memories I can think of. I'm honest about his crapness, in an age appropriate way, but am trying to leave doors open for a good relationship in the future if he can mend his abusive ways and go through the right channels to get contact re'established.)

I don't think you should criticise the ex wife without talking to her. I do think you should take a good look at the man you're with. Will anger management really help him, or will it teach him skills for staying calm while he controls you? If you go to y therapy together, will be act all perfect and make you look like the crazy one?

Please think carefully

Angry shouting IS violence. This has been part of the definition of violence for some time now.
The impact on children of being exposed to 'angry shouting' sufficiently serious to warrant calling the police is very serious.

If you continue to minimise this, you put your own safety and your children's safety at risk.

I wouldn't want my child to go to a house where the police had been called for angry shouting. That is not a safe environment for a child.

Please read what I have said. His children do not come to our house. They do not stay overnight. Thanks for all your comments and insight I have spoken to social services now who acknowledge that they should have undertaken an assessment prior to contacting the ex wife. Partner and I are about to start relationship counselling and he is getting help for anger issues.

And my children's welfare is very much my concern. to suggest otherwise without knowing me is offensive and cruel.