Legal protection for unmarried SAHMs

[lilyaldrin]

Basically, what do I need to do to confer the same financial/legal protection as marriage would?

We have joint children and although we don't currently own property together, we hope to in the next few years.

First thing I'm tackling is wills leaving everything to each other. What next?

[flowery]

OP you've asked what steps you need to take to ensure you have all the same protection as you would with marriage.

But if your DP isn't prepared to marry you and give you all that protection easily and quickly do you actually know he'd be prepared to take all those steps to try and replicate marriage anyway?

[ThurlHoHoHo]

We're not married and have 1 DC. We currently have no plans to get married. We own the house jointly, are named beneficiaries of pensions and life insurance, have a will, have power of attorney for each other, all the things that people are mentioning.

At the moment, this is fine for us as we both work f/t and earn roughly the same amount of money. Neither of us currently needs legal protection etc should we split up.

But for all that, if we decided that I should be a SAHM or significantly affect my career and earnings through going p/t, I would insist on marriage. I don't believe in marriage personally, but it's the only current legal protection available in the situation where one half of a couple is earning all the money and the other is not working.

Seriously, I'm quite anti-marriage but this is the one situation where the only real legal protection currently available in the UK is marriage.

[Nyssalina]

It's quite obvious now that it's the 'D'P who's the problem here. He's the one presumably telling the OP that 'marriage is just a piece of paper' and 'we don't want any of that old fashioned nonsense', or he's scarred from a previous marriage and doesn't want to go there again. It's the OP who as SAHM is being left in an increasingly vulnerable situation in which she could be left with nothing and no one at the drop of a hat.
You need to have a serious talk with him OP and show him that marriage is the only fair way to ensure protection for you whilst you care for his children and keep his house in order. If it's the pomp and circumstance of a (second?) marriage that he is not happy with, then I think you need to put away your own fantasies of a big 'do' and convince him that a registry office quickie is the answer.

[MollyWhuppie]

Really the only way to protect yourself is either work and earn your own money or get married. I wouldn't want to be a SAHM and not be married.

[OrlandoWoolf]

If a couple who are not married separate and one is a SAHM, what is the main financial disadvantage compared to a couple who divorce and one is a SAHM?

There are plenty of threads about exes who do not pay maintenance. What is the advantage on separation a married SAHM has over one who is an unmarried SAHM?

[PiratePanda]

Well, he really does have you over a barrel OP, doesn't he? I'm sorry for you. So yes, you should do what you can legally to protect your/your family's interests; second best is better than nothing.

[ThurlHoHoHow]

Orlando, I believe the difference is that when a married couple with children split, the husband (for example) owes not just child support but spousal support. In the case of an unmarried couple, there is no spousal support. Hence why in my particular unmarried example, I don't feel that either me or DP have had our earnings and career affected, so no need for spousal support. For a SAHM there is a definite need for spousal support.

Exes not paying maintence is a different problem all together.

[WhosLookingAfterCourtney]

Op we got married this year for the same reasons - i'm a sahm, gave up work to raise the kids.

It took a year from first floating the idea to him proposing last Christmas, with much heated discussionin between.

Spell out to him what would/could happen to you and the dcs if your relationship ended unamicably.

[CaroBeaner]

Do you currently own property?
Does he?

If you buy property together you can, as Friday says, buy as tenants in common. You each own a separate specified stake in the property, and can each leave that to whoever you like. So you could leave yours directly to your children.

If you buy as joint tenants you won the property together as a partnership and if one dies the other automatically inherits.

My friend owns much more of the equity in their house and does not want it to go straight to her DP should she die - she did not wish to marry as she did not want her DP to gain equal rights over her hard won house should they divorce. I think these are significant issues. Men can have babies until late in life. I would want my property to go to my children, not be shared via my DH to any new ones he might have after my death!

[SatinSandals]

If you don't get married I would make sure that you work full time.

[Sixweekstowait]

Widows pension isn't ending - not the state one

[Sixweekstowait]

Oh goodness - just caught up with that - well hopefully it won't happen!

[scottishmummy]

I think woman should earn own money anyway,not depend on matrimonial stipend
Im not sure of the distinction,unmarried dont be housewife?married it's ok he's paying?
At what point did it become clear to you he was not want to marry?had you both discussed or hadn't it come up

[FeisMom]

SM you're right in an ideal world women should earn their own money, but practically speaking for a great many couples, once children come along, it becomes impossible for both parents to work outside the home full time.

Unfortunately it is usually the woman that is the lower paid of the two and therefore they give up work, thereby wiping out their income and doing lots of damage to their future earning potential. Therefore if it comes to a split it is only right that the ex husband should also financially support his ex wife.

[FitzgeraldProtagonist]

Oh my god, this thread is like my bloody village. I want to go around screaming "BECAUSE HE HASN'T BLOODY ASKED ME" the whole time.

[passedgo]

sssh I had thought about marriage and proposing today, but then I read TessDarby's post with her reference to the Synod supporting cohabiting couples rights. Seems it is government unwillingness to change this that's stoppling progress, not the Church.

And I still see the only advantage to me being married is maintenance support which I won't need. I want to see my life as separate, we have both put in equally.

[OddBoots]

If your DP doesn't have a pension and you don't own a property then becoming a SAHM has some pretty heavy long term financial implications unless your pension is already huge. In my opinion that needs to be mitigated for just as much as remaining unmarried.

[IrnBruTheNoo]

One or the other doesn't have to ask...here's an idea - you can actually discuss it! That's how I ended up getting married, we just chatted about it and done it. No proposal as such :)

[Timetoask]

You have joint children.
Are you committed to each other?
Just get married. what is the problem? Is he already married to someone else?

[passedgo]

Oddboots what are the financial implications - other than spousal maintenance after separation and widow's pension (which is due to be changed)?

It doesn't sit right with me that somebody pays my hairdressing bill after children are grown up. It also wouldn't sit right if, following a breakup my ex had to go and live in a bedsit somewhere while I swanned around the family home with my new partner.

In terms of after death - I know people who died intestate, decisions about medical treatment were decided among the family, probate was arranged by the person most able to do all the work (it is a lot of work) and estate went to their children, contested by a partner but under discussion. Not that I advocate this, but there are procedures which enable fairness/justice even when there is no Will.

[EvilRingahBitch]

OP, you asked this "as a SAHM". In that case I think spousal maintenance is the biggy. What you need is a pseudo-prenup recognising your work supporting the family, and sacrifice of career and earnings potential and giving you the right to spousal support in the future should you break up. Clearly this would be a sod to negotiate and won't come cheap. I'll leave the practicing lawyers on this thread to talk about the limits of enforceability of such a contract.

If that's not practical (presumably not) then at the very least you need to look at every asset under your DP's control with an eagle eye to make sure that your right to equal shares is clearly recorded.

[TessDurbeyfield]

passego - I didn't mean to put you off! Just that I don't think any Govt is going to do anything about this any time soon. It's just too low down the priority list, risks lots of headlines about trying to destroy marriage and is just far too complex to deal with quickly.

BTW I don't think you'd get spousal maintenance along those lines even if you did want it after a break-up. Now it's usually about helping the SAHM partner (in this context) to get back on her feet rather than a meal ticket for life

[FeisMom]

Fitzgerald it is not 1913, why do you have to sit back waiting to be asked? No-one needs to ask, it should be the kind of important decision that is discussed, in the same way as starting a family, who (if anyone) will reduce their work commitments to be the primary carer; which schools they will go to; moving house etc etc

Marriage is too often tied up with a sparkly ring, big romantic proposals, week long hen and stag dos and "the biggest day of your life", those who say it is a bit of paper are right, it is a legal document that protects your rights under law.