shared residency wtf?

[ineedagoodsolicitor]

I'm currently going through the early stages of divorce and I asked h to think about when he will have the dc. I asked him to make a suggestion as at the moment anything I suggest to do with the divorce arrangements is instantly dismissed as selfish.

h texted me earlier to say that he believes he could have the children on a Saturday night and 2 weekday nights (not Friday). Sounds like he loves his dc and wants to spend lots of time with them doesn't it but the devil is in the detail.

h commutes and doesn't get home from work until about 7 or 7.30, sometimes much later, consequently I am the one that leaves work at a set time each day to collect the dc, ferry them round to whatever activity thay may have that evening, feed them, do music practice, homework, bathtime and most nights bedtime too.
I texted back asking if he was planning on taking a job nearer to home or leaving work seriously early on the weekday nights that he would have the dc, not to mention the late starts after dropping them off at school in the morning.

Oh no, not at all, he is expecting that he either picks them up from me at whatever time he is home "you could have them ready in their p.j.s if it's getting late" or that I could collect them from school, ferry them to whatever activity they may have that evening then take them to his place, feed them, do their homework, music practice, bath them and await his arrival before I go back to my own home.

I'm also expected to pick them up from his the next morning at a suitable time for him to get off to work and I'm to bring whatever items of kit/instruments are needed for school that day, packed lunch etc (I'm their mother, that's my job apparently, he hasn't even factored in making sure they have a clean uniform for the next day) and then take them to school.

Seriously, these are his thoughts on the matter !
It appears I'll be like a sort of live out nanny just so that he can see them fleetingly during the week and be able to say he has them overnight.

From my "selfish" point of view, it seems a fairly disruptive way of running mine and the dc's lives just for h's benefit.

Is he possibly suggesting this to minimise child support or is there another motive as I really don't see what he will be putting into it in terms of being responsible for them during the weekday evening time he has them ?

Oh and, if he has to live elsewhere in the country for work reasons he expects me to take the dc to visit him most weekends (so basically I'd spend x hours taking them and x hours fetching them back plus being responsible for making sure they have everything they need for the weekend packed and ready to go on the Saturday morning)

Why did I think the divorce might free me, it seems I'll be even more downtrodden than he's tried to make me to date.

If we go to court will a judge exercise a voice of reason to knock back his pathetic self-centred suggestions.

[STIDW]

Sadly although divorce may alleviate some problems it just raises other issues to take their place. When there are children it isn't possible to be entirely "free" because both of you are parents, potentially for many years to come.

Above all contact/shared residence arrangements need to be practical. There is no point in your husband insisting on contact during the week if he regularly doesn't get in until 7 or 7:30pm. Likewise there is point in you insisting on having the children because of some notion of routine if that means they have to go to a child carer and your husband is available to look after them.

Many families find that building contact around alternate weekend works well and is more settled than the odd night here and there. For example, would your husband be able to collect the children alternate Fridays from school or your house or you drop them off and he then returns them to school on a Monday or Tuesday am? That way you both spend quality time at weekends with the children and have alternate weekends child free to do chores, socialise etc. IT also gives your husband some contact with the school and the chance to be involved with the nuts and bolts of parenting.

If he isn't able to leave work at a reasonable time one or two evenings a fortnight work you could suggest alternate weekends and more than 50% of the school holidays to compensate for no overnight midweek contact. IT's all about putting the children first, compromise and trying to learn to work together as parents.

[ineedagoodsolicitor]

You're totally right STIDW.

Alternate weekends would be practical but probably upsetting for both h and I as we will really miss having them around. It is more workable and probably less unsettling for the dc so I'd just have to suck it up.

h has a regular sporting social fixture on a Friday night so Saturday morning pick up/drop off would be better and then he could either drop them off at mine or I could pick up on a Sunday evening. It's unlikely he will consider being late into work once a fortnight in order to drop them at school, although that would be lovely as if he has ever been on annual leave and dropped them off they have loved it.

The only problem is that if I suggest something that is convenient for me (even if it is also convenient for him), the mood he is in at the moment, he will paint it as a "selfish" suggestion on my part.

I'm happy to work together as parents, h however seems to want to make sure he "wins" wherever possible with whatever aspect of the divorce we are considering. He will be losing me as housekeeper/nanny when he does have the children to stay over and it is starting to hit him mentally how much tougher his life when with the dc will be so presumably he wants to not let things go without a fight.

[STIDW]

I think you need to stick to the point that sharing the taking and collecting is reasonable, particularly as your husband was the one to move away. Then be prepared to try arrangements out say for 6-12 weeks followed by a review. That way your husband may come to the conclusion that his suggestions are unworkable or you may find that the arrangement isn't as bad as you thought.

If at all possible avoid the courts because that just tends to leave parents resentful and resistant making working together impossible for the future and impacting badly on children. Other options such as mediation or negotiating through solicitors give separated parents a better opportunity to learn to work together. Initially parents can struggle with contact but it does tend to settle down after a year or so.

[Collaborate]

I think from your original post you have the measure of him! I'd for once disagree a little with STIDW. Don't even five his suggestion a trial week. A court would assume that you had weighed it up and felt it was in the best interest of the children. I suspect it's the effect on CSA that he has in mind.
If you stick to your guns I reckon his solicitor would tell him to get real.