Are 4 kids really easier than 3?

[LewishamMumNow]

I have read and heard in several places that having 3 kids is the "most" stressful, and those with four (or more) are more chilled. I struggle to understand why, unless it's because you "give up" a bit. I've 3 very young children (all singletons and under 3 1/2), and I'm undecided on having a 4th. I'm not looking for views on my personal situation, but just genuinely don't understand how another one would be less stress! It's another one that needs their hair washing, their favourite story read, their water bottle filled, their nappy changed, etc. How is that easier? Okay, these things don't last for ever, but the major reason I'm concerned about a fourth is how much it would cost as they got older. Relatively simple treats like pizza takeaways or cinema trips will be a fortune with paying for 3 , let alone 4, "big" kids, and of course basics such as school shoes and food will cost so much. And then there's holidays, university fees (hopefully), driving lessons.....How can 4 be less stress than 3????? I really would welcome views on this.

[ColdButSunny]

I agree with you OP. I have three - close in age like yours, but mine are teens. They are all sporty, which is great but it means they need lots of lifts to training and matches. It's hard enough to fit in three, I have no idea how it would work if there was a fourth in the mix! And expensive too!

[ElasticElsa]

The reason you struggle to understand how that can be is because it's absolute nonsense. 4 is more work than 3 naturally.

[ChaosAndCrumbs]

I think when people say this they often mean that they have siblings who play more easily together in a four, whereas in the group of three, one was left out a bit and therefore wanted more parental time.

Obviously though, it’s not ‘easier’ as such because all those children need attention, love, taking to groups, feeding, teaching to dress themselves etc.

[AppropriateAdult]

The cause and effect are reversed - generally only fairly chilled parents will decide to have a 4th child in the first place. Of course it's more work!

[CheeseWisely]

Not speaking from any experience but the only way I can imagine it might be slightly easier is in that in a group of 3 it's very easy one to be left out, either socially or in games & activities designed for 2 etc, whereas 4 is two pairs.

That entirely depends on the children involved and their relationships with each other though. Your 3 could be a tight group or you could have another and the 4th be left out! Not sure it's worth the gamble.

[AndThatWasNY]

It's bollocks. We have 4 and 3 was easier.

[Walkthelakes]

Also have 4. 3 was miles easier

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

Obviously it is not true, but in fairness I have never previously heard anyone suggest that it is true.

[madderthanahatter]

After the third you stop seeing them as people and more as numbers. All the big families on TV say after the third you don't feel an extra one, because it just becomes herd mentality. Having an extra person in the household should always be felt, it's an extra mouth to feed, clothe, find a bed for, extra seat in the car. And forget about going on holiday with 4 dc without it costing a complete arm and a leg. IMO you don't feel it as much when they are young OP, but you definitely will when they are older and need clothes, a bedroom of their own and very expensive school trips.

[cheezncrackers]

I think the argument is made in terms of four being an even number, so there isn't an odd one out and they therefore (at least in theory - ha ha), each have someone to play with and no-one is left on their own.

In terms of economics and parental logistics, the argument makes no sense at all, as you've rightly pointed out.

[cheezncrackers]

P.S. Teenagers cost A FORTUNE!!

[edgeware]

What I’ve heard say is that the world isn’t set up for families with 3 children. Even numbers are easier for restaurants, holidays, etc. But that does seem like a small proportion of life!!

[buttercupcake]

We have 4 and 3 was a lot easier.

[OffToBedforshire]

It's not about them being more of a group, or there no longer being a middle child. It's another human being you're bringing into the world which is another person with needs, interests, parents evenings to attend, clubs to ferry to, difficulties to work through, possible university fees to pay and everything else.
The idea that four is easier than three is nonsense.

[whosaidtha]

I don't know about easier or 4. But I found zero difference in difficulty going 2-3. So imagine it won't be easier but might not be any harder either.

[justtidying]

I had my 4DC within 6 years and they are all very close.

The youngest two are now approaching the teenage years.

I disagree with PP who said that teenagers are so expensive. We live a long way from our family and friends and so have always paid out most of my salary in childcare. We have managed their expectations and they that we don't have huge mounds of money. The children know that they will have to work to fund their additional lifestyle choices. They all have swimming club fees paid and a weekly music lesson per child. We don't give pocket money per se, but if they need something we discuss it. My older two are already starting to earn their own money outside of the home. They do eat a lot though!

We often comment on how lucky we are that they all get along and we have no regrets.

[LewishamMumNow]

Thanks all, this does go against the general grain, despite the surprise some have expressed. Particular thanks to those with four, who say three was way easier. That's just logical to me.
Yes, teenage costs are my main worry (along with ferrying and being their when something major happens - GCSE mock fail, period starting, ex-boyfriend spreading nasty rumours :( ), but you have to make the decision on a fourth along time before any of that becomes reality, but nice to have some real perspective on this.

[Moglet4]

@madderthanahatter

After the third you stop seeing them as people and more as numbers. All the big families on TV say after the third you don't feel an extra one, because it just becomes herd mentality. Having an extra person in the household should always be felt, it's an extra mouth to feed, clothe, find a bed for, extra seat in the car. And forget about going on holiday with 4 dc without it costing a complete arm and a leg. IMO you don't feel it as much when they are young OP, but you definitely will when they are older and need clothes, a bedroom of their own and very expensive school trips.

What absolute nonsense. I have 4. There’s no herd mentality, just an absolutely adored 4th child

[Fernsfernsferns]

Aren’t people also saying that when they have larger gaps than you do?

i know two four child families and they have 8/9 years between the oldest and youngest

so a fourth baby with a bigger spread could feel like an easy joy.

ive only got two but with a five year gap. The second baby phase was bliss - the older one in school I knew what I was doing. So a happy chilled baby and a happy five year old I could settle into school myself.

id have loved a third but only with a similar big age gap and I was too old.

my friends say their older children are great with the youngest. The spread of ages can help diffuse competitive dynamics etc.

clearly it takes more time and money.

the emotional side can work out well with a decent spread of ages.

[LewishamMumNow]

@madderthanahatter
Presumably the families on TV have 10 or more. I don't think 4 is so unusual you get to go on TV! I am not asking about very large families, but four was a fairly normal/modest number not so very long ago, and still is in certain ethnic/religious communities especially.

[hanahsaunt]

I have four and four was no harder than three not least because #3 was a really demanding baby and #4 was ruthlessly independent 😅. Ours are two then a bigger gap then another two. All wanted and adored. No herd mentality. They are each delightfully different. They do pair off at times but in different permutations depending on the circumstance and it's lovely to see. But the bottom line financially is that obviously four cost more than three.

[Motheroffourdragons]

We also have 4 children and agree there is no herd mentality at all.

We had 3 in 3 years then a bit of a gap till the 4th, they are all adults now, and such good friends.

When the older 3 were small, that was probably the hardest time for us, but when the 4th came around he was such an easy going little soul who fitted right in. The older ones loved him, and he loved all the attention he was getting from everywhere.

Yes we needed a bigger car, but holidays etc cost the same as we always needed 2 hotel rooms anyway for 5, I would not change anything. They are all such a blessing.

[Panicmode1]

We had 4 in 7 years .....currently have four teens and it's very expensive.

Two are at uni and don't qualify for anything other than min maintenance, 2 are secondary age and currently on a school ski trip (£1700 each ..!). The food bill is ridiculous, the cost of shoes insane, phone contracts x 4, driving lessons, sports clubs and equipment, holidays, cinema trips, eating out etc etc etc all require significant funds.

That all said, they are all fabulous, they do all get on (mostly) and we wouldn't change it for the world - well perhaps a bigger gap top to bottom to spread the uni costs a bit. We may end up with 3 there for a year... 😱

[TheTorturedPoetsDepartment]

I have 4, as do a few friends and we do think 4 is easier than 3. I was far more stressed with 3. I have no idea why really. I just felt a bit unbalanced. . I will be honest, no 4 was a surprise that I cried a lot about. The min we brought her hone, I can't quite explain the calmness.it was just like, of course there was meant to be 4!

Things that make a difference, age gaps. My age range is 6 to 17. Never had more than 1 in nappies at a time. Naturally quite laid back, chilled kids. Never had to pay for childcare. We always had houses big enough and very lucky that money hasn't been much of an issue.i am certain had I any number of kids all under 3, anyone would be feeling it!

I do love seeing them together. Also they way clubs/activities work out, there is always points in the week that only 1 child is home which is nice to be alone with them. I think only you know what type of person/mother you are and if 4 will work for you. I do completely disagree with the poster who said parents give up when they get to 4. What a rude judgement, that couldn't be further from our truth.

[TheTorturedPoetsDepartment]

@madderthanahatter out of interest, how many children do your have? And why are you so certain you can say goodbye to holidays? We go on holiday every year, eurocamp for 6, with flights, eg Italy, only around 4000. This year we are doing all inclusive, flights, swim up room etc 7500. When people have 4 children, it's usually because they can afford 4 children.