Spread too thin with 3 kids

[Lunarskybox]

I have 2 daughters aged 6 and 1 and am contemplating a third. I am not currently working and so spend a good amount of time with both kids. The age gap is great for them and us (they don't have rivalry but adore each other, and have quite distinct needs which makes life easier for us!). I would love a third but don't want to screw up the lovely way things are now. I feel I give both girls a lot of my time and what they need. For parents with three (or if you grew up with two siblings) do you feel you get the balance almost right or are you always feeling you aren't with each enough? Many thanks

[HoggyDunlop]

I would say - why rock the boat?

We have 3 and it is very hard work. It's almost a completely different lifestyle to my friends who have 1 or 2 children - you can't please all of them at once so there's usually one whinging, and it's a lot to juggle logistically. I do sometimes see pairs of happy kids and feel envious but of course wouldn't be without mine.

I think the jump from 2 to 3 is quite a big one and has to be something you really do want to do - for the whole family. It sounds like you've got a great set up and unless you're planning on waiting a while for a similar gap, you'll be treading into multiple toddlers/young kids territory which is a whole different ball game and will take significant time and attention away from your eldest.

Please note my opinion may be influenced by the last 2.5 weeks of school holidays and 3 children out of routines driving me mad 😜

[GingerSquid]

It sounds like you do have time for a third; however, your current set up sounds really lovely too! I’m about to have a girl after two boys with the same age gap of just under 3 years each time. Obviously a smaller age gap is a lot harder and it might shock you if you had a tricky baby whilst your middle daughter is still a toddler. What gap were you thinking?

[Lunarskybox]

@HoggyDunlop

I would say - why rock the boat?

We have 3 and it is very hard work. It's almost a completely different lifestyle to my friends who have 1 or 2 children - you can't please all of them at once so there's usually one whinging, and it's a lot to juggle logistically. I do sometimes see pairs of happy kids and feel envious but of course wouldn't be without mine.

I think the jump from 2 to 3 is quite a big one and has to be something you really do want to do - for the whole family. It sounds like you've got a great set up and unless you're planning on waiting a while for a similar gap, you'll be treading into multiple toddlers/young kids territory which is a whole different ball game and will take significant time and attention away from your eldest.

Please note my opinion may be influenced by the last 2.5 weeks of school holidays and 3 children out of routines driving me mad 😜

Thank you for this! Yes, that's kind of my concern exactly. There are tough moments at the moment of course. But by and large it's all fun and it works. The age gap is so helpful!! I know that adding another will fundamentally change this and make things so much more stressful. I just wish I didn't also feel like I would like just one more...!

[shoesday]

Completely up to you

[Lunarskybox]

@GingerSquid

It sounds like you do have time for a third; however, your current set up sounds really lovely too! I’m about to have a girl after two boys with the same age gap of just under 3 years each time. Obviously a smaller age gap is a lot harder and it might shock you if you had a tricky baby whilst your middle daughter is still a toddler. What gap were you thinking?

Yes exactly!! My 1 year old is two in March and so would be at least 2.5 or even 3 when a third came along.

[carrotsnparsnips]

quietly watching this thread. i have 2 and currently 22 weeks pregnant with third and starting to panic :’)

[Lunarskybox]

@carrotsnparsnips

quietly watching this thread. i have 2 and currently 22 weeks pregnant with third and starting to panic :’)

Haha - lucky you! It will be amazing I'm sure!!

[RosaSkyes]

I have 3 girls - 6,4 & 1

I always wanted 3 and feel very lucky it happened for us.

I think the comments above are all really honest though. It definitely takes a lot of logistics and I agree that at this age, somebody is generally unsettled or in our case this winter, ill.


but, the flipside of that is that they totally feel like a little team and the older ones have been fabulous with the baby. I would say my eldest is very mature and quite independent by nature which probably made the transition easier for me too

Think about the knock-on in terms of childcare, before and after school club costs if you want to return to work, bedroom logistics, holiday logistics, car seat logistics… I knew the consequences on all of the above, but the desire to have another and see the family grow one last time was bigger than all of the above. It’s a very personal decision, good luck!

[Sceptre86]

I have 3 aged 7, 6 and 2. I love it. People say I must have my hands full but 3 has been a breeze. We have no family support but dh's job us very flexible in that he wfh 2days a week is in the office for the other 2 days and has compressed his hours so he has our toddler whilst I'm at work. I work 2 days a week, great balance and am self employed which helps.

My dd2 has had to fit into her siblings routines, so she had to come to school runs and dropping and collecting from clubs. I'm a chilled mum, we make time to do stuff with each kid on our own but we also do lots as a family. I'm not like a lot if mums who need to keep their kids out of the house a lot or constantly busy. I often set them up with activities and keep sn eye on them but even bored they often come up with their own games. Finances wise we are comfortable but have simple lives. I'm not expecting to dole out house deposits or pay uni fees so that never played a part in whether we had multiple kids or not.

[decisionssmecisions]

I'm one of three & most of my friends growing up were. Don't get the hand wringing about it tbh.

[Lunarskybox]

@RosaSkyes

I have 3 girls - 6,4 & 1

I always wanted 3 and feel very lucky it happened for us.

I think the comments above are all really honest though. It definitely takes a lot of logistics and I agree that at this age, somebody is generally unsettled or in our case this winter, ill.


but, the flipside of that is that they totally feel like a little team and the older ones have been fabulous with the baby. I would say my eldest is very mature and quite independent by nature which probably made the transition easier for me too

Think about the knock-on in terms of childcare, before and after school club costs if you want to return to work, bedroom logistics, holiday logistics, car seat logistics… I knew the consequences on all of the above, but the desire to have another and see the family grow one last time was bigger than all of the above. It’s a very personal decision, good luck!

So helpful, thank you

[Lunarskybox]

@RosaSkyes

I have 3 girls - 6,4 & 1

I always wanted 3 and feel very lucky it happened for us.

I think the comments above are all really honest though. It definitely takes a lot of logistics and I agree that at this age, somebody is generally unsettled or in our case this winter, ill.


but, the flipside of that is that they totally feel like a little team and the older ones have been fabulous with the baby. I would say my eldest is very mature and quite independent by nature which probably made the transition easier for me too

Think about the knock-on in terms of childcare, before and after school club costs if you want to return to work, bedroom logistics, holiday logistics, car seat logistics… I knew the consequences on all of the above, but the desire to have another and see the family grow one last time was bigger than all of the above. It’s a very personal decision, good luck!

And can I ask. Do you get much time to yourself? Just to exercise or go to shops or maybe meet a friend for dinner? Dare I ask....?

[Minglingpringle]

Depends whether you want one or not…

I kind of enjoy having three because I decided nobody could expect me to have everything neat and perfect the whole time, instead we are just fun and busy. Plus it’s an extra person to love. And my third turned out to be gorgeous.

[Lunarskybox]

@Minglingpringle

Depends whether you want one or not…

I kind of enjoy having three because I decided nobody could expect me to have everything neat and perfect the whole time, instead we are just fun and busy. Plus it’s an extra person to love. And my third turned out to be gorgeous.

Ahhh, sounds great! Thank you

[RosaSkyes]

@Lunarskybox
I don’t, but I would say that’s far more our personal context than the amount of children.

I don’t think that has particularly changed for me going from 2 to 3, as it is more to do with lack of family around us and DH’s working hours

I would say, though, that everything I managed to do before- the odd dinner out, a yoga class, cinema with a friend, I can do now.

[LaurieStrode]

Perhaps think of the planet they are going to inherit; if everyone had an additional child, the very real woes of climate change, potable water scarcity, competition for fuel and food, etc., would be exacerbated. I already fear what today's children are going to encounter in adulthood. Look at the pollinator problems, insect extinctions, polluted oceans, etc.

No single raindrop thinks it's responsible for the flood, but it is selfish to reproduce at or beyond replacement rate. Think if their future.

[Joeslaol24]

I have three .Eldest two were 6 and 4 when baby came along. It really was absolutely fine . As adults they really get on well together. Youngest is the wisest and jokes that he learned from elder siblings mistakes 😊

[Bingobatman]

I was on my knees with 3, having had a lovely, easy time with 2. It really depends on their personalities. obviously I wouldn’t send them back but I lost myself and my life in a way that I wouldn’t have done with 2.

[Bingobatman]

Also - it’s easy when they are young and far harder when they are older as the logistics get more complicated and they need more time for advice and guidance.

[pear6782]

I have three and like a pp, I found the jump from 2 to 3 huge. Partly it's because I have a big age gap between 1 to 2 (around 4 years or so) and then a smaller gap between the younger two. It's meant I've had to drag the little ones around to activities for the older one which was unfair all around and very very hard! It can be tough trying to please them all but I try to make sure each has time to choose activities/hobbies they want (and not just because their siblings are already doing it) and I try to find 1-1 time for each one - not always easy. It's definitely getting easier day by day though and it's so lovely to see them all play together. They are a little gang and they look out for each other. It's also really nice on holiday as they have each other.

My only thoughts are that your oldest one will start to need more support with homework and more quiet time for activities/hobbies....and it's tough taking two little ones along and keeping the occupied - but that's more to do with the age gap rather than 3 kids....ultimately, do what makes your family feel complete. The tough bits only last for a short while. Best of luck with whatever you chose to do!

[Diamondfireman]

Yes, it's easier with 2 but I do love 3. DH and I would have loved 4 or 5 but started having kids in our 30s and I miscarried after #3.

Having a 5 year old, 3 year old and a newborn was the hardest thing I have ever done. Nothing has felt difficult since in comparison.

Make sure you get as much help as you can!

We had 2 girls and then our son, so that changed the family dynamic. I also found if I had any combo of two on my own it felt like a very different family! Just the two girls is a vibe, the two youngest together would be fun but then as my most energetic child has always been our middle dd, having the oldest and youngest alone was serene.

Although I often worry my middle daughter missed out on attention she always reassures me she has never felt that way. She also has always been very close to her brother and as she is so extrovert and he is a natural introvert, she brought him out of himself and they have always had loads of fun together. She is also the classic diplomatic middle child who is able to talk to everyone in the family and help us understand each other! Her negotiation skills are second to none 😂

They are now 23, 20 & 17. After my youngest turned 3 and especially 5 it just felt soooo much easier tbh! But maybe that's because the early years were challenging physically (little sleep, need your full attention all day). They all get on really well, although naturally when our eldest was hitting puberty and in middle school she didn't feel she had much in common with her little brother. Overall I think it helps them learn to accept and share and I am so glad they have each other.

My son asked out his gf when she was a total stranger and they have been together for 10 months. I put his social abilities with girls down to having two older sisters.

We have weathered plenty of storms outside our control (I had cancer 5 years ago) and we all pulled together and became closer than ever.

Once you have another you can't imagine life without them. I am sure life would have been simpler with 2 but we have all gained so much as a family by being 5.

The best part is they have each other and love each other so much. I would definitely do whatever you can to foster close siblings relationships, like try and reward them all when they behave well when little etc.

[Desecratedcoconut]

I found the jump from two to three a leap in busy-ness to begin with and it got easier as they all got older. Now my older two are teens it's an absolute breeze.

[Diamondfireman]

P.S. I would advise finding activities they all enjoy. For example they were all in the same swim club that met with different age groups on the same night - that was a God send. Don't overextend your schedule or you will go mad. My kids may have less pastimes than other kids but they are all emotionally mature and stable (because their parents didn't lose their minds) which counts a lot more for me!

[Jane1727]

I had 3. Newborn, 11 month old and 2 year old. It was really tough when they were young, although at the time I just got in with it. When I look back now I do sometimes think how did I do that!
The jump from 2-3 is the biggest jump. However, I wouldn't change it, they all get individual time with me (much easier now they are all teens and I don't need to worry about childcare!)
It will be hard but you will never regret it. However, there are lots of things that are harder with 3 I.e holiday, family rooms sleep 4, car space, one to one attention I.e one parent per child. I don't regret it at all and feel very privileged to have 3 healthy children. However, I do think 2 would have been just as amazing and probably a lot easier in lots of ways. (Not that I would change things for us)

[DGPP]

I found the jump from 2 to 3 easier than 1 to 2. I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s brilliant. Yes, noisy, messy and sometimes chaotic but also full of love and fun. Wouldn’t change a thing. They all get time with us, either 5 as a family or we make time for them each 1 on 1. You Have to want a bigger family but I’m delighted with mine