Anyone with a third child with additional needs?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 girls aged 20, 18 and 14. Youngest was diagnosed with autism 3.5 years ago snd life is tough at the moment. She’s high functioning, attends a mainstream school, is bright and has friends. But her anxiety and needs dominate sometimes.

She was s gorgeous baby/toddler/small child and felt like a treat after having two close together. Had so much fun with her when the older two were at school. She was so funny and sweet. We used to be so close, now she won’t let me touch her.

Now that all seems like a distant memory. I feel bad for my older two who put up with a lot. Dd3 yells at us to be quiet as she has super sensitive hearing but refuses to wear headphones. She has some OCD so insists on all doors being closed at all times.

While its so stressful lately I keep analysing and over thinking why we had a third and I can’t even remember my thought process. Dh and I debated it for a while. I know this is an awful thing to admit. I love dd3 with all my heart but I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we’d stopped at 2.

[Bonheurdupasse]

You can admit the truth.
You would have been happier.

Don’t beat yourself up about your thoughts, you are a person not a martyr and are allowed to think about your life and happiness.

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Dd3 already thinks she’s a ‘problem’ and we’d be happier without her even though I’ve never given an inkling of any negative feeling. I feel sad for her, she’s so unhappy at the moment. I always tell her I love her unconditionally

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I just want to feel more positive about the situation.

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Everything is affected at the moment - going out, meals, holidays etc. We’ve been doing things in 2s or 3s which is ok but I miss being together as a family of 5.

[CoutureBakes]

DC are 15. 13 and 5. Ds 5 has autism and has a lot of needs. He Is the love of my life. But God is he hard work.. I do have times where I question our decision to have a third. It's changed the dynamics of the household dramatically and I feel it was unfair on the others, one of whom already has additional needs and has had an additional diagnosis recently....I often think I may have been less frazzled with just the two of them...but then their are also some positives, the eldest two used to fight a lot but now the "baby" acts a sort of buffer and they do adore him. We all do.

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Thanks for your experience @CoutureBakes are yours all boys?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Also it feels very acute at the moment due to Dd3’s age. Being 14 is often a shit time anyway let alone with an autism diagnosis that you don’t want. She was much easier when she was younger and we had lots of happy times as a 5. I just hope things improve with time.

[CoutureBakes]

We also have to group up in 2' or 3' rather than the 5 we are....that's something that gets to me too..that we are rarely able to participate in activities as a 'whole'

[CoutureBakes]

@bendmeoverbackwards

Thanks for your experience *@CoutureBakes* are yours all boys?

DS 15 DD 13 , DS 5
I feel so sorry for her both boys are autistic

[CoutureBakes]

@bendmeoverbackwards

Also it feels very acute at the moment due to Dd3’s age. Being 14 is often a shit time anyway let alone with an autism diagnosis that you don’t want. She was much easier when she was younger and we had lots of happy times as a 5. I just hope things improve with time.

I think at 14 there is a lot of thought about ones self and how that looks in comparison to others, it's a hard time for most teens which I like to remind mine of, you know its something in they have in common with their peers...but I agree the addition of additional needs is a whole other level of difficulty. I'm just thankful mine are boys
..they seem to have it easier. My DD already has a lot of difficulties if she also had autism I just wouldn't know how to help her. My 5 yo is so loving but there are other elements that I'm not looking forward too in his older years and I find myself hoping there are some changes but I wouldn't want to lose that sweet loving innocent boy that he is x

[RedCandyApple]

I have the opposite as in my oldest has autism but didn’t find out till I had my other 2 as well, I often wonder how much easier life would have been if she didn’t, it’s horrible saying it but it’s true, my mum will have her occasionally because I can’t take her anywhere but she’s much more severe, my mum even said imagine if you knew what she would be like 10 years ago (before I had her) I know what she meant but she didn’t finish the sentence

[CoutureBakes]

Hopefully in time your situation will improve, as you know having had teen girls already, puberty is a tough time for all.
I'm also one of three girls and I was the highly strung, sensitive one..and no I'm not the youngest btw.
I think I have undiagnosed asd because I recognise a lot of traits in my boys that I have or had myself...either way I settled down a lot after puberty!
I found a lot of things bothered me more in my teen years than usual and I found safety in my routines. At the time I didn't have a close relationship with my parents and sisters because I was probably a very frustrating person to attempt interaction with...but we're alright now.

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Thank you @CoutureBakes did things just improve with time and maturity?

The dynamics change constantly. For a while dd3 was a bit on her own as her 2 sisters were close in age. Then dd1 and dd3 got close and dd2 was left out. Now - dd2 and dd3 are close but dd2 has just left for uni so it’s been hard on dd3. And she currently hates dd1 to the point she won’t be in the same room as her 😢

[CoutureBakes]

@bendmeoverbackwards
I'm sure maturity helps a little, once there is a realisation that the world/household doesn't revolve around that one person (even if it seems like it does at times).
What you've described sounds like normal sibling stuff to me. I wasn't too close with my elder sibling until we were much older and now we are basically friends as well as siblings, we have a few years age difference then with our younger sibling there is a huuuge age gap but I'm close to her too, more so than the eldest as I still lived at home and helped out quite a bit so we had more time to bond. We're also friendly but with an element of me basically mothering her too

With my kids, the eldest is high functioning and we had some difficulty in earlier days but it all got better fairly recently (after diagnosis in fact) my middle is constantly trying to provoke him, as she likes him to pay attention to her. He prefers to be alone but will seek her company at times, they can either get along like best friends or fight viciously. The two older ones love the younger one and choose to spend time with him (at the moment) and they do help out when asked..but it's difficult to have them all in a room together, someone always get worked up. I think the little prefers them one at a time too. He definatley adores them both. I find the eldest is a bit more protective as perhaps he can identify with him a little more where as the middle can get frustrated and eye rolly at times.
I also understand they must be frustrated that they no longer have as much quality time with me, as the youngests needs seem to be endless. But they don't complain bless them but that always has me asking myself why I did this to them.

I do try to keep expectations of help to a minimum because I don't want them to resent the little one later on.

Is there an activity DD1 might be willing to do with DD3 once a week just to help them get along?

[duvetdayforeveryone]

Another autism is a burden thread

[CoutureBakes]

@RedCandyApple
I often have the same thought...there's nothing wrong with thinking it as long as we don't dwell on it.
I have 3 DC's, eldest and youngest both have asd and it just never occurred to me how difficult it would really be...I find myself phasing out when friends have complaints about their kids (which are totally valid by the way) but I find I'm becoming slightly bitter because I always feel like I have it so much worse. Which I know isn't the case but to me their issues are minor in comparison to what I go through on a daily basis.
(I would never say this to them though)

I hope your DM didn't make that comment in front of your DD. Someone made a similar comment about my youngest and my eldest heard, understood and took it very personally. To this day he is affected.

[RedCandyApple]

No she didn’t make it in front of her but my life is certainly completely changed, I can’t even take my daughter anywhere, I’m trapped at home as I can’t take her places because her behaviour is so bad, I’m a single parent so I have no help or support with her so feel trapped at home not being able to go out. I do look at others and feel jealous for how easy they have it how they will never know how hard it is, even things like going to the shop, I can’t.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

Chances are this will settle down a lot as she moves out of adolescence.

But, can you get some help with techniques to help you manage her and her manage herself? A therapist or educational therapist with experience of ASD? While I think mostly things get better, occasionally behaviours get ingrained and it would be good to ensure this doesn’t happen. It would also give you some support and her an outlet.

[DBI78]

Three children 21,19,6 the 6 year old is autistic, he's the love of my life but the first three years were so hard. I had a breakdown my oh mh deteriorated too. It's been tough on the older two who were teens when we started dealing with all this x

[DBI78]

But now we are so good we all adore our little one so much and are so proud of him.

[ScottishTinydancer321]

4 kids, 3 children with autism and ld and 2 eldest also have adhd. Just had a surprise baby 4. The hard days are hard the good days are fantastic. They struggle to understand each other however I hope having siblings will help them as adults.

[HumunaHey]

I'm sure things will get easier once you get past the difficult teenage stage.

Did you have any inkling she had autism when she was much younger? You mention how lovely it was when she was younger and that she us high functioning, so it would seem that the difficulty is her teenage 'growing pains' and they are exacerbated by her autism. Hopefully this will pass x

[Einszwei]

My youngest sibling is high functioning. There is a large age gap between us.

Anxiety was the horrendous in their early teenage years. Everything was wrong, they was extremely negative, thought they were the worst thing to happen to the family etc etc.

It got to crisis point when they wanted to kill themselves. It was a very dark place for the whole family. However, they got counselling and after a year and a half they are thriving.

I think it was a combination of the therapy plus something just 'clicking'. They have grown ad a person and can cope with stressful situations far more easily.

I hope it improves for your DD too. There is some light at the end of the tunnel....even if the light might be a different colour to everyone else.

[Thewoolmill]

I have three children. My middle child has autism and so does my younger. In my very dark moments, I wish I’d not had a third. I adore her but her behaviour is very challenging along with autism she also has learning difficulties and a medical condition. We could have managed if it was just DC2 who had autism but DC3 with autism and Sen has made life incredibly difficult. If I could go back….

[bendmeoverbackwards]

@HumunaHey

I'm sure things will get easier once you get past the difficult teenage stage.

Did you have any inkling she had autism when she was much younger? You mention how lovely it was when she was younger and that she us high functioning, so it would seem that the difficulty is her teenage 'growing pains' and they are exacerbated by her autism. Hopefully this will pass x

That's an interesting question @HumunaHey I did find some of her behaviour quite challenging, she never really outgrew toddler tantrums and always demanded the biggest piece of cake etc. But looking back, it was nothing major really. Her autistic traits really kicked in around 10.5 at the start of puberty.