Calling all with an unplanned 4th or twins as 3rd pregnancy

[elisio1]

Hi,
I've recently been propelled into large family territory by the arrival of twins 2 months ago.

We very much wanted a 3rd, but 4 was never on our radar,and the pregnancy was awful - a bit like a death march - as both dh and myself were so anxious about becoming a family of 6 (and the twins factor was very daunting as well of course).

I really hoped that, once they arrived, I would start adjusting to the situation, but it hasn't really happened. The practicalities of life with two plus twins have actually turned out to be more manageable than I thought. However, I am still struggling mentally with the whole situation. I felt very content with two, and thought I would be with one more. But that feeling of contentment has left me. I honestly worry that life will be a struggle from now on. We will manage, but I want to do so much more than manage.

Four children seems like a horde, a pack, whereas 3 would have been a small, manageable group. It may sound odd, but the children have all lost a little bit of their individuality already. Even my two older (and adored) boys have merged along with their 2 month old brother into "the boys" in my mind. It is as though 3 of one sex is the tipping point between seeing them as individuals and seeing them as one group.

I feel that parenting 4 is way out of my comfort zone, and already dread having 4 teenagers so close together in age!

Ok, I am not getting a huge amount of sleep, and the twins are still so young, but at the moment, I feel trapped in a situation I can do nothing about. I wish we had just stopped at 2.

I would like to hear from anyone who ended up with 4 or more children when they didn't plan things that way (either through unplanned pregnancy or twins as 3rd/4th pregnancy). Did you ever reach a point where you were glad to have 4? Do you still have moments of thinking 'What if we had stuck to .."
Is is possible to train yourself to see a situation you didn't want as a blessing?

My other problem is that I am very envious of all my friends who either stuck at 2 or went for a 3rd and got...a 3rd!

This all sounds very negative - sorry. I do know families with 4 children who love the number 4- but they are the ones who voluntarily went for 4, so have a positive attitude towards it. Will I ever share that attitude? I do hope so.

Thank you very much, just found your reply. Yes getting to used to it now but do have ‘what if’ panics still, I guess I will until they arrive and I honestly don’t know how I am going to manage the logistics of all four but I will have to somehow. Life had just got easier which is a tricky thing to get over.

I am the unexpected twin of an unexpected "3rd child." There were no sonograms in the 1950s. My mother recently died at the age of 100. My twin and I were the ones who took care of my dad throughout Alzheimer's disease, We took care of my mom during years of heart failure, COPD, vision failure and hearing loss. We made them laugh. We laughed at their jokes. We drove them around. We changed their diapers, we protected them from nursing homes, and we held their hands when they died. My older brother and sister were "too busy" to help.

The second half of my parents life was made joyful and peaceful because of that unexpected third pregnancy. Many times in their later years they would say to each other, "Where would we be without the twin?" If my parents only knew in the early years what a blessing we would become they would have rejoiced at our unexpected and unwanted birth.

Hi Elisio1

I have 2 children, 6 & 4 and after trying for a third am now expecting twins.

My husband and I are going through the initial anxiety of HOW WILL WE COPE - logistically, financially, space etc.

I see your thread is from 2013 - I wondered whether you now had some words or reassurance or advice for someone who finds themselves in the same shoes as yourself and is panicking!

Thank you.

I know this was originally from 2013, but as it's been resurrected, I have to respond, because you're feeling just how I did, and I've got the benefit of being further down the line now.

From my experience, twins are fantastic. Ours are now 1.5yrs. And we weren't planning number 2, so you can imagine the discovery that unplanned 2, was in fact 2 and 3.

Everyone seems to feel really sorry for us, and I've heard countless "I don't envy you". Let me tell you, people find it impossible to walk past twins and not comment. Let me tell you, so many people want twins, and so they make these weird little snipes because you have them. "Oooooh, double trouble? Got your work cut out for you? Oh, you've got your hands full" Head tilt.

Actually? No. They're much easier than my singleton because they entertain themselves, and the bond they have together is something so unique. So snipe away, I know I'm incredibly lucky. It's like people being unable to walk past a Ferrari without saying "bet that's a killer on fuel" because that makes them feel better about the fact you have one, and they don't. It's every day, everywhere I go, but you develop a thick skin quite quickly. Be prepared to be quizzed on what runs in your family, if they're identical, a full narrative about their neighbours, sisters granddaughter who's a twin. Ask any twin mum. They'll tell you . You learn your own responses to nip it in the bud, or you'd never get anywhere. For example...

"oooooooh twins....are they identical?"
"not from the waist down, dear"
"Bet they keep you busy!"
"Oh very much so, so it was lovely talking, I must get on"

Anyway. The pregnancy is the rubbish part. And the initial double breast/bottle feeding, double bathing, double nappies, where you just don't have the hands. (Mums of triplets, you are superhuman!) But the rest? I'd have twins again in a heartbeat, now I know what I know.

We had to change our cars, we had to get 4x4s with 7 seats, because a double bassinet pram needs a bloody big boot, and you need their car seats and the rest of the children to be able to breathe as well.

The only downside is the logistics. My twins are unbelievable. If I had my time again, I wouldn't wish for them to be a singleton. I'd wish my first singleton was a twin too.

And this is coming from a woman who swore solidly in the scan room for a good 5 minutes, as it was revealed "there's two in there!"

So please, please don't be anxious. You might have a tiring first few months, because logistically there's two of them, but you just sort of find yourself doing it.... but I can't emphasise enough, how short lived this is, and how wonderful the rest becomes.

Congratulations

Twins&Trifle thanks for responding. We were initially excited - the luck to conceive twins etc. It’s that the reality of how this will impact us is beginning to set in. House, holidays, car etc. It’s all the financial implications. We had/have a comfortable life and this is going to be compromised with the addition of 2 more. What does that take away from the elder 2. Our time for all 4 etc etc etc. I’m sure once they’re here we’ll look back unable to imagine what life was like before 🤞🏼

House, they can share a room easily for a while. It's very strange, one can be screaming and the other will sleep soundly right next to them, like it's white noise.

Holidays, yes, that can add up.

Car, yes, you'll need a big one. Highly recommend the XC90.

This may sound odd, but they're pretty self sufficient and take far less attention because they have each other. They don't really cry out for me, they just want each other most of the time.

Laundry, food, tidying up is sizeable. Nappies, yes, there's a lot, but that's all sort of "admin" stuff, you just get into the routine.

The benefits vastly outweigh the inconveniences. If you want to ask anything, please do, congratulations on your little duo xxx