I never thought it would be this hard

[NeverThought]

I never thought it would be this hard.
I only wanted a baby.
I never thought it would take years.
I never thought it could destroy me.
I never thought I'd watch my husband play with our friends children and feel heart crushing guilt.
I never thought I'd wish he'd never met me.
I never thought my body could let me down like this.
I never thought I'd become a recluse.
I never thought I'd wince at the sight of a pram.
I never thought I'd resent my friends for falling pregnant effortlessly, numerous times.
I never thought I'd be in this place years down the line.
I never thought I'd panic at pregnancy announcements on Facebook.
I never thought I'd avoid friends for fear of 'good news'.
I never thought I'd have to put on a brave face so often.
I never thought you could hide a broken heart so well.
I never thought I'd wish I was somebody else.
I never thought I wouldn't be happy for people expecting a baby.
I never thought I could be so two faced.
I never thought I'd have to lie so much about how I am.
I never thought I could want something so much.
I never thought I'd have to resort to fertility drugs.
I never thought I would stare into my future and see nothing but loneliness and heartbreak.
I never thought I would be so scared.
I never thought I'd feel so unhappy.
I never thought it could happen to me.
I never thought I would grieve for someone that never existed.
I never thought I would hate myself and my life.
I only want a baby. I didn't know it would be this hard, I never thought.

[75daisies]

I am there. I get it. I understand. My heart breaks into a thousand pieces every time I see a baby but you learn to become the queen of the poker face. I am with you.

I wish you peace, I send you love, but most of all, I pray for you to have that baby because my God will that baby be loved and cherished by his/her mother. x

[MummyPiggy87]

Your not alone, I remember feeling this way. For 3 years we tried..it was agonising. We also tried everything, I literally cried every night and slept for just a few hours a night because it's all I could think of. So I gave up and accepted it. After 4 months of "giving in" I'm now 17 weeks pregnant. It's happens.. Don't beat yourself up you just never know

[NeverThought]

I am trying, with every ounce of energy I have left, to be happy for my two friends that have just had babies. Their babies are beautiful, but I feel like my friends are stealing my dream. I know it's a ridiculous notion but they decided they wanted children/more children long after me, got pregnant quickly and easily and now have a bundle of joy.

I am trying to be optimistic and trying to talk myself into feeling genuinely pleased for my friends (as would have come naturally a few years ago) I hate what infertility has done to me. I feel like a different person. A horrible, negative, bitter person. I want the old me back!

[Trooperslane]

I get it, never.

You're not a bad person, just one who's going through a really awful time.

[Manoxlon]

Hi, I also had problems with ttc. Conceived right away but kept miscarrying in first few weeks. Did all the usual (NHS) tests until I came across the concept of natural killer cells (NKC) - still a bit controversial in the UK somehow. Anyway I looked into it and took stereoids and gone were the miscarriages, and finally came my beautiful kids. I share this because the dr I saw (Mr Shehata in London) says that the NKC can sometimes be so violent they destroy the fetus at a very early stage ie before a woman even realises she is pregnant. May be something you might want to get tested for? Best of luck and do not despair.

[Cheesypop]

Totally agree with every word of the OP and sad to hear of everyone else's heartache and losses. Infertility is poorly understood, not discussed openly, and those who have not experienced it can find it difficult to comprehend the overwhelming, destructive nature of it.

Our second attempt at IVF has worked so far (8wks) but I can't switch off the years of hurt and resentment, I think the scars are too deep.

I would urge you to try IVF though. Yes, the fear of failure is immense, but it is the only thing that has given me any sense of control, or any glimmer of hope in the last four years and for me that is worth it.

[NeverThought]

manoxlon I do think there could be a problem with my immune system. The tests are so expensive though aren't they? I don't think my consultant agrees that NKC could stop implantation. He thinks I'm unexplained as he got rid of my endometriosis. Think I may need another op as the pain is back. I've got an appointment to discuss in a few weeks, we'll see.

Congratulations on early IVF success cheesy. I will try it, I'm delaying to get 100% well, I think my psychological health is vital as well as my physical so I need to work through these feelings of guilt, envy and anger and try and accept that life isn't fair and I can't do it naturally it's hard to take. Especially when people around me make it look so easy. It's really not fair!

I appreciate that I'm not the only woman to have these feelings. It helps s little. I can't break past the fear of ending up at the end of this journey with nothing. I have days of hope but more days of 'woe is me'. It's quite pathetic actually. I find myself looking. At female strangers and wondering if their ovaries work, if their wombs accept embryos.. It's awful! I'm judging people on their reproductive organs! Constantly comparing myself to the fertile majority. Confidence is obliterated. I don't recognise who I am anymore.

[Manoxlon]

Hi there- I cannot remember exactly how much the tests cost for NKC. Roughly you would need to put £200 for the consultant (first visit) and may be another £200 for the tests if I remember...not cheap and entirely up to you how you go about it if you choose to. But I wanted to share my story- I was also in the "unexplained" camp. We will never know whether the NKC was the explanation. All I know is I did the tests, they showed I was hyperactive. I took he drugs and I got the kids.

The thing with NKC is that among many (most) UK doctors it's still taboo. Before doing the treatment I spoke to TEN GPs and they all told me that there was not enough evidence to show it works. But there are a few gynaes (try St Marys hosp, Portland, there's also one in Liverpool) who are for it. What convinced me to try it was the realisation that it's less uncommon in the US and on the continent (apparently in Sth Africa as well).

All the best!

[rainbowbreeze123]

Can I add that i never thought my life would be put on hold
And I never thought id end up stuck in a job I hate because of something that should be so natural

Been trying 4.5 years had 2 x failed ICSI cycles, will be trying FET in the next few weeks - im with you OP

[girlinoz]

Long time lurker but really felt I had to post on this.

Never I get where you are coming from. I'm not going to say that I fully understand because I don't think anyone else ever knows quite how much you are going through when you are feeling so lonely and frustrated.

3 years, 3 m/c, numerous tests and now the possibility of endometriosis which means yet more clinic appointments and waiting. No one seems to know what is going on. I feel like a different person since we have been trying to conceive, I feel like if we could just have a baby then something would click and I would feel like my old self again.

I'm sorry that you and I and the other ladies on here have to go through this.

[AvaMercy1]

I completely understanding these feelings. We've not yet reached IVF stage (failed clomid and now on injectables) and still I feel ground down and changed by my inability to naturally conceive. And I'm so so scared of nothing working and us being childless (obviously there are other options which we would definitely explore if/when the time came).

I am however surprised at how lonely and isolated this whole process has made me feel. My husbands says all the right things but still, for some reason I still feel so alone through this. Some of my close friends know but rarely mentions it which strangely makes me relieved yet frustrated all at once!

Spent a whole weekend visiting extended family all of whom have tons of beautiful babies and children and have come back feeling worse than ever. Starting a new cycle soon and determined to be positive.

Some days (like today) are just harder than others.

So I guess my long ramble is basically trying to say, I understand and you're not alone. Xxx

[BumWad]

Hope you find your happiness