Having a tough time tonight - should I stop doing this to myself?

[purplemeggie]

After two unsuccessful fresh own egg cyles and a FET last year, we decided that we'd go for DE IVF overseas. We did a fresh cycle in March/April, which didn't work out, but we were left with three frosties. I went back this month to transfer two more - one didn't survive the thaw, so we transferred the last two.

I tested this morning and got a bfn- a bit earlier than the clinic said, but it is day 28 today, so I'm sure it isn't a false negative.

We'd told ourselves that we would only do one "round" of DE IVF - i.e. one fresh cycle and as many frosties as we got. But I'm not sure now. On the one hand, I don't feel ready to move on, but on the other hand I'm not sure how much more of this heartbreak I can bear. DH isn't sure either, but has said he will support whatever I want to do.

[purplemeggie]

Thanks Catnip - you're right: that's exactly what I needed!

Yes, DH came home last night - he's on a rubbish shift pattern at the moment which means he leaves for work at lunchtime and comes home at about midnight. I get up at 6 normally, so we're not seeing very much of each other...but I had a day off, so we had a nice lie-in this morning and a chance to talk a bit more. He's doing that for the next 3 months or so - not great for either of us, but there we are.

No, I haven't tested again...I probably won't test again until Friday, when I have my official blood test. I did this on the last cycle - tested a few days before, tested the morning of the blood test, so that I was prepared for the results. Last time I was absolutely certain it had worked, so I was glad I'd prepared myself.

[CatnipMouse]

Hello, how are you today? Did you test again this morning?

Hope your husband is home soon, it sounds like you need a cuddle.

[purplemeggie]

Thanks Catnip. I'd quite like to have a session of counselling - not felt that I needed to before - but we've been having treatment overseas, so it's a bit more difficult to access counselling than with a UK clinic that's obliged to provide one.

You're right...I should take some time. I've pushed forwards at every stage of this, because we have a 7yo ds and I'm conscious of the ever-growing age gap. He's desperate for a sibling and I feel under pressure to provide one. Which is not to say DH and I don't desperately want another baby for us, too...

DH is working away from home at the moment, which is probably why I'm struggling with this.

[CatnipMouse]

It can be so tough, can't it. I'm sorry today is a shitty day for you. I don't know what you should do, but I do know you don't have to decide just now. You can have a while to cry about today's bad news before thinking about what is next.

I did have a session with the counsellor who works with my clinic when I first started this whole business, I found her really useful. Have you seen a counsellor? Might it be worth a go to talk to someone neutral but supportive?