Are today's parents too child-centred?

[emkana]

article in the Guardian

I really am guilty of what this woman is saying. I have completely and totally centred my life around my children. When they get older there will be no old life to get back, because my old life is completely gone - partly because I'm in a different country, and partly because I became a SAHM and didn't really keep in touch with my work colleagues. I spent every day with my children, nearly every evening at home, when I go out for dinner with my dh we get home early, weekends are spent as a family...
I could go on. Am I mad? But you know what, I'm happy! I still see where this woman is coming from though, and worry sometimes that I'll have a rude awakening one day...
but then I think, surely I'll be capable of finding things to do when the children need me less? I can't see myself polishing the silver and weeping just because there won't be any children left to look after!

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[Donbean]

and fetch beers from the lower shelves of the fridge

[TwinSetAndPearls]

This is a bone of contention ( not sure if that is the phrase - my head is fuzzy from studying!!) in our house as I run a very child centred house - althought not to the extremes of the article. My Mum is always telling me that dd is spoilt and pampered, but I see my childrearing style as a reaction to the rather cold mothering I experienced. I was determined that when I had children they would feel as if they were the centre of my world and not an annoying little irritation on the periphery (sp?)

I do organise my life around my daughter, I gave up work and my diary is filled with classes, parties for her. Our dining room is her playroom and she even has a desk in my study. I am a child bore and this coupled with the fact that I am studying to be a child psychotherapist means that I do spend most of my time watching/ theorizing about her.

But I do not see this as martyrdom, I love my life and what makes me happiest is seeing her happy - corny and sad but true. I probably have sacrificed much of my life, a marriage and even some friends as I moved away to give my dd a better life.

AS I recognise that dd is cossetted and pampered I do however have high standards of discipline and expect politiness and she already has chores at the age of three.

I do recognise however that I have sacrificed things to be a mother and perhaps that is why I do not want more children, as much as I love being a Mum I do one day want my life back. I have noticed this to be a common thread with friends who have similar parenting styles to myself, either through financial necessity or a desire to be themselves again. The birthrate is falling - well in this town anyway so maybe our new child centred world is going to have less children in it!

[TwinSetAndPearls]

FairyMum From my working life I do know of parents who have sleepness nights when there kids are well beyond toddlerdom and who spend their whole lives hovering and obsessing over their children. But it doesn't make them happy, which them makes them poorer parents for it .And if I think they are obsessive ( when I have obsessive mother traits myself ) belive me they are!

[Donbean]

Yes, i hasten to add that my relative with the demanding child bends over backwards to accomodate him because she is over compensating for her poor childhood. I understand this but still cannot understand how she cant see the counter effects of this in her child.
He completely rules the roost and is not a popular child at all amongst his peers and other children of the family.

[FairyMum]

But are we talking time spent with children or giving into children's every demand? The most spoilt children I know are children who never spend time with their parents, but get given anything they want and allowed to do whatever they please. Still confused what article was trying to say.....but maybe too late for me.

[aloha]

She's American. She lives in California... enough said. I don't think this has any real relevance to us!
I don't think talking about children is boring. I think it has become almost taboo in fact, because you so often read people telling you it is boring.

[TwinSetAndPearls]

I agree completely Donbean ( I am Nikkim by the way with a new improved name!!)

As parents we want our kids to be happy -which means having friends and most spoilt kids lack friends as other children will not put up with whining feet stamping etc.

I also notice from friends that parents buy a lot to compensate for not being there, my dd father buys her shedloads of stuff to compensate for not being there. I have a go at him for spoiling her with clothes and toys while he criticises me for spoiling her with attention and letting her have a playroom!

Maybe we all spoil our children in different ways to compensate, but as long as we are aware of what we are doing and why - and the discipline and manners remain it does not matter. That is what I am hoping -

[TwinSetAndPearls]

I ahve noticed the same trend alaho particularly in newspaper columns. An expected backlash thought to the era of child centred little angels who rule by the power of the sticker chart!

[TwinSetAndPearls]

Talking of obsessive women I am off to watch desperate housewives!

[beatie]

I don't think I use the term child-centred in quote the same way as the woman who wrote the article.

There are obnoxious parents raising obnoxious children by mollycoddling their children way beyond th age when they should gain some maturty and independence. These children do not make for nice future citizens. There are also parents who try too hard to hold onto their pre-baby life and end up not being child-centred enough but most of us fall happily and naturally inbewteen these two camps.

I wouldn't mind at all if our country developed a more child-centred culture but that, to me, does not entail Friday night pyjama parties for parents and their chidlren.

[tallulah]

I thought the article was very good. I have a friend who is very child centred. They order her about & she drops what she is doing to go & get them another drink, or whatever (they are 11 & 13, so perfectly capable of seeing to themselves- I was totally horrified to see her get up from her own dinner for this- time she'd sorted them out her food was cold). When visiting her, the only chance of a proper conversation is late at night, because they butt in all the time- again, perhaps cute at 3, but not at their age. She also has a younger child. She will ring me, then spend the whole time having a conversation with the little one in the background because he can't accept his mother having a conversation with someone else. It is so frustrating I have been on the verge of hanging up. I could understand if I called her at an inconvenient time, but if she is calling me I'd like to talk to her, not the child thanks.

Another friend used to call round with her children & her son would say "what's that? I want that" & she would expect us to give it to him- even precious things put up high. I once put a stairgate up to stop him going upstairs to trash my DDs bedroom & his mother said "he can climb that". Hardly the point.

I think this is the sort of thing she means. Not normal family life!

[TwinSetAndPearls]

but that isn't really being child centred it is raising spollt brats who will probably grow up to be as unhappy as they are making their poor mother.

[sparklymieow]

well, we not all child centred or we wouldn'y be here my kids are watching a video atm and it will be bedtime soon.

[TwinSetAndPearls]

It is dp turn to be child centred - I have done it all day!

Not true actually she has been at pre school this afternoon - I am in hiding in the study typing an essay - on parenting - aagghh there is no escape!

[fisil]

I agree it was a strange article - and how many different ways are there to spell pyjamas in the space of about 3 lines!

[Amanda3266]

Hmmm! Having read the article it just confirmed to me that no matter what we do there's always some clever journalist to tell us we're doing it all wrong.
Personally I think I am very child centered - we only have the one and are fortunate to have him and these precious early years pass by so quickly that I am determined to enjoy them - if that means pyjama parties in years to come so be it.
In the 1980s the emphasis seemed to be on the supermums who had five children and still held down 105k a year jobs - and in fact - did everything.
There is balance in everything and if you can achieve that then you won't go far wrong.