As for my "paradigms" involving force, your ideas always involve hypocrisy. You never answer my question as to how you made your children sit down at mealtimes, go to bed at certain times, not be rude to other people etc etc. Did you use some form of coercion and, if not, how did you incentivise them? I know that you parent in the same way as a teacher teaches and not like a normal parent but I struggle to believe that your children were always model pupils.
I didn't 'make' my children sit down at mealtimes. I served meals at either the kitchen table (breakfast and lunch) or dining room table (dinner). The DCs always 'helped' with some meal preparation or setting the table for all meals except weekday breakfast. When they had eaten what they thought was enough they could ask to be excused and would bring their plate and cutlery to the sink. I often asked them if they were sure they were full, and if there was a chance they might like to have a bite later they could leave their plate on the kitchen table and return to it. Once they left the table they had to go and amuse themselves peacefully in another room and not bother anyone for dessert or games or help with anything or banging on the piano, etc., until those left eating had finished. They often returned to the kitchen to have a few more bites. Meals always included napkins on laps and other elements of decorum. I often lit candles.
Bedtime was roughly 9 pm for all children including toddlers and babies. After dinner and clearing up (with 'help') we generally had time together as a family for chatting or watching something on the dvd player or reading, colouring, whatever. Between 8.30 and 9 everyone had teeth brushed, pjs on, clothes put away, bags checked for school for the morning for those going out to school, location of shoes, hats, jackets, gloves checked.
Rudeness -- I always said please, thank you, excuse me, sorry, and hoped they would catch on just as they learned to recite 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' or 'Do Not Wubba Me or I Will Wubba You', etc., and that is the way it happened. ExH used to growl at everyone in the family to 'Get out of my way' when in a bad mood and unfortunately I had to explain that speaking to others like that was not the way to conduct themselves. I normally pointed out examples of acceptable behaviour by others when we were out and especially caught them being good when out or at home.
We had a pep talk before hitting our destination where I outlined the sort of behaviour I expected, in terms of 'We are going to be X, or do Y at the park/pool/restaurant/church/museum/shops' and not 'Don't X or Y when we're at the shops/park/pool/restaurant/church/museum'. I always told them that a No from me to a request for stuff in a shop or elsewhere meant No, and that no amount of asking would make me change my mind, and I never, ever changed my mind. I never said Maybe. It was always either Yes or No. They learned what No meant. I have left supermarkets and abandoned a trolleyload of shopping to illustrate what I meant when I said 'We will leave the shop and return when you are able to be civil'. Shopping became a sort of reward or privilege for acceptable behaviour. I never waited until I had bare shelves or was down to the last two babywipes so I always had the option of walking out. When we went out to eat I chose restaurants on the basis of quick service from sitting to eating and we had a talk in the car about staying in seats in restaurants, usually accompanied by shaking hands and striking a deal. Until they were pretty well trained in restaurant behaviour we ate out no later than 5.30ish before restaurants got full. Church had a cry room and RC churches tend to have a high tolerance level for general child-generated hubbub if you didn't want to pick up every germ in a ten mile radius and stayed in your seat. They got used to being quiet for an hour and ten mins every Sunday. We sat where they could see what was happening, altar, pulpit, etc..
The DCs were all on the shy side and loud rudeness wasn't an issue ever. They were always reluctant to speak to people they didn't know and I didn't mind them refusing to engage in conversation with random adults who approached them to chat when we were out shopping; they were encouraged not to talk to strangers so making them talk to strangers would have been a mixed massage. As they grew older they began to get over themselves a bit and got good at polite conversation while at the same time being sensible about situations. It took some longer than others. I was willing to reason with them and would accept a No from them if they could provide a good reason not to do something or promise not to complain if it turned out they were mistaken about how cold or hot or wet it was and they had insisted on choosing unsuitable clothes or footwear. Generally when it came to clothes or shoes I allowed them to choose between two options that were both perfectly ok for the weather. I am not a mum who bothers about children wearing striped shirts with floral skirts, etc.
Incentive? -- my beatific smile. I got a lot of mileage out of catching them being good. Made a lot of cheesy remarks about how nice their rooms looked or how tidy the sitting room was, how great it was that they had asked audibly for their own order when we were out to eat, etc.
As they grew older and started to become citizens of their little world they adopted the behaviour that was acceptable there. They have continued to spread their wings to the point they are at now. Never had any trouble with them as teens. No detentions, no suspensions, no issues with lack of engagement with the family or rejection of values. I had a no questions asked policy if they ever phoned and asked me to come and take them and their friends home from a party. Better safe than too embarrassed to call.
They all worked hard in school and I allowed them to spend as much time with friends as they liked as long as their work output didn't suffer. Too many late Sunday nights trying to finish homework after Friday and Saturday with friends and we would have a chat about managing time sensibly. They are all nerds and all took the thought of not doing well in school seriously. If they wanted to wear makeup, shave their legs, pluck eyebrows, get ears pierced, they could. Hand on heart, they have never been in any sort of trouble in school. They all worked, made nice friends, played sports, participated in clubs, entered competitions. Sports in particular provided a fantastic chance for them to learn from a young age that trying is what counts.
They had babysitting (DDs) and odd jobs (DS) from about age 12/13 on and all in turn found summer office jobs for themselves when they could legally work. They bought most of their own clothes (no questions asked by me, or eyebrows raised) from their earnings and learned to look first in the sale or final clearance section. No whining from any of them ever about stuff they expected me to buy them. They knew how much or how little their money got them when they went out shopping, how long it took to earn it, how many bottoms they had to wipe to get their savings. From the earliest age we chatted about what they would like to be when they were grown ups and no matter what they said I told them the way to get there was to always listen carefully to their teachers. I never praise for school results but I always praise for daily effort and for good organisation and work habits/willingness to get homework done, ability to plan projects and study thoroughly and in good time for tests. When they were older teens and results really meant something I did praise, but for younger children it's effort and habits that count.
They had chores and were expected to help from the earliest ages (2-3), and expected to accomplish most of their own self care by 5 (dressing, washing, shoelace tying, teeth, etc). It would have been a lot quicker, less messy, etc., for me to just do it myself and I might also have got more sleep over the years. But that teaches no-one anything (and parents are teachers above everything else, teachers of values and teachers of practical lessons on how to live your life).
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, ditto libraries in schools. Other way DS3 (11) and I get some of his 'new' books together is we go to Saturday morning kids cinema (£2.50 for child, adult free
) and then we pootle through the 4 charity shops in small town the cinema is in. He will sit for AGGGEEEESSSSS with his budget (anywhere between £2 up to £5 if he has brought his 'own' money as well), create long-list of what he wants, then shortlist, then chooses & pays. The variety of life skills within that are way more than 'just' the books' and he is also royally fussed over by the staff there too. Think we are lucky in that the town I'm referencing is pretty upmarket, so the charity shop does have really ace stuff in, but I'm pretty sure most DPs would be able access something similar? All I know is it's great for DS3, we have great time together, he gets new books, helps other life skills, and all for cost of less than one brand new paperback
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