Home Ed Advice

[DuoTulip]

Hi. My DC is nearly 3. We have begun to consider home education due to significant dissatisfaction with the school system and issues within state education. A lot of the posts I read here relate to children with SEND, high anxiety and bullying as reasons for home education. Our position is more ideological and I'm interested primarily to hear from people who have been in a similar position. We are both aware that home ed isn't a step to be taken lightly and feel keenly that the consequences of our decision will be upon our daughter, so we need to feel very sure it is the right course of action. I have some concerns and questions and hoped some here may be able to share their experiences with us.

1. Socialisation - the decision to effectively "other" a child in relation to their peer group is pretty massive. Whilst I know that friendships can be maintained with others who are going to mainstream school and that relationships can be developed with other home educated children, I worry about the potentially isolating effect of keeping our daughter out of school. Her peers will be with each other all day, 5 days a week. How do you make sure that a home educated child does not miss out socially? How do you ensure they learn resilience and robustness and that they begin to understand that other people are as important as they are through their daily interactions?
   
   
2. Experiences - I can really see how you could offer a greater richness of experience to a home educated child but it would be without their peers. School trip, school plays, choir, band etc etc. Most of this can be achieved for a home ed child but usually these experiences are shared with peers and are relationship-strengthening. Personally, I don't particularly look back on those experiences with any strong emotion either way but I would be depriving my daughter of them. What about birthday parties? These are such a big part of childhood. Do home ed children end up overlooked? What do people think about this?
   
   
3. To make a really informed decision, it would be helpful to be able to talk to adults / young people who have been home educated to find out what their outcomes were, both academically but also their holistic development. Does anyone know how possible this may be?
   
   
4. How have those who home ed found this to work financially? Obviously it means a single income family or two part-time workers (in a family where there are two parents, or course) but, in addition to that, how have you managed finances for resources/visits/additional petrol costs/joining other home ed activities etc etc. How much would you say home education actually costs?
   
   
5. I am an ex-secondary school teacher. I have seen first hand the impact on classrooms, learning and wellbeing for both staff and students of poor behaviour and this is significantly worse since COVID. I believe this to be a national problem from speaking to others. I don't want my daughter to experience this, along with the myriad other issues currently inherent in our education system. Children don't like school. Teachers are stressed and unhappy and often looking to get out. My daughter's catchment school has had TWELVE teachers in Reception this year due to staff absences and supply. The current system isn't fit for purpose and I don't want my daughter it. However, even as a trained teacher, I don't know a lot about teaching primary aged children. How do you design your curricula and how do you ensure that they themselves are fit for purpose and that your child is making acceptable progress?
   
   
6. Our intention would be to home school for some/all of the primary years. We would anticipate our daughter returning to school for secondary, just because we can't offer the same breadth of expertise and specialisms at this stage. Additionally, it helps that we have an excellent local secondary and this isn't likely to change. Is this unfair on our daughter though? Has anyone done this and how was the transition back into school at an older age, when friendships are well-established?
   
   Like all parents, our primary concern is the happiness and wellbeing of our child, both short and long term. We are feeling the pressure of making a decision as we are choosing something for her that will have a huge impact on her life.
   
   I don't want her in her catchment school but there are other, good local primaries I could put down instead. However, she may just end up with a catchment place and I do not want that.
   
   We are also looking into independent. This is affordable but a huge commitment. I feel like she could get the same quality by being home educated but have all the concerns listed above. Additionally, our local indies are not in our town and my DH feels the associated travel and cost of that would be a step too far.
   
   If you've managed to read this far, thank you. I am sure I will end up with more questions as well. I just want to make the right choice for her and the decision is lying heavily at the moment, as I have misgivings on all counts.

[Saracen]

That's a lot of questions! I'll tackle a few as and when I have a chance, and I'm sure you'll get some other responses. However, I'd suggest a better way of obtaining a good range of in-depth answers, and getting a real feel for how it can look, is by meeting people in person.

Some local home ed groups are available to people who are seriously considering home education for their young children. If, say, you are going along regularly to home ed park play etc, you'll have many hours in which to discuss these issues. Watching the kids interact with each other and with adults can give you some insight into how the home ed environment affects social skills. (Do be aware, however, that the home education community appears to have a disproportionate number of neurodiverse kids, whose behaviour might not be what you expect.) You may be able to network your way to find previously home educated adults. For example, in my home ed group, a small number of the parents were themselves home educated.

Home education camps are a quick way to get some "power socialising" done. I've even been to a few which featured "Ask Me Anything" panels of home educated teens and 20-somethings. Mostly there is a lot of hanging around the campfire chatting and watching kids play.

Blogs and podcasts might help too. I don't really follow any myself, because I'm in the stage of living it rather than learning about it. However, I have heard a few of Stark Raving Dad's podcasts, which strike me as tremendously insightful.

[Bunnyhopskip]

I can't comment on the pros and cons of home education as it's not a route we have personally gone down, but I shared similar concerns to you regarding our local schools when my eldest was a similar age to yours, and the reality of school days looming, became something we had to think about seriously. We bit the bullet and ended up moving to an area where we'd researched and visited the schools, knowing even if we didn't get the school we fell in love with, the other local options were still fantastic and a complete contrast to the schools where we were previously living. I wouldn't write off the entirety of mainstream primary education without looking further afield and seeing if a house move or travelling out of catchment would be a viable option. For us, yes, the education system is far from perfect and a teacher trying to meet the individual needs of 30 children, is never going to be able to fully tailor each minute of the day to every child, but, the overall experience that our children get at school couldn't be replicated or even come close to what we'd be able to do at home. My girls have flourished in the right school, and as they grow, seeing how important their friends are, their independence developing as they show us what they've learnt and telling us about their day, the trips, parties and "core memories" they're creating, I'm happy to be a parent and life teacher outside of the classroom, but leave the majority of the educational and social side to the school environment as they have done a wonderful job so far, and preparing them well for secondary and beyond. As I said, it depends on the child and the school, and finding the right fit is really important. Mainstream full time schooling certainly doesn't work for all, but don't discount the entire primary education sector based on your current school options, as they aren't your only choice.

[homeEd2021]

The EYFS is about the best bit of the school system - the bit with least structure, most freedom, most autonomy. Also the bit where they learn the most (socially and in various other ways). One could argue that from Y1 it goes rapidly downhill. I find it difficult to understand why people wouldn't try school, at least until the start of Y1, then make an informed choice.
Some kids like school, some kids hate it. I've had one of each. How would you know if they'll take to it without trying?
You can easily take a child out of school at any point if you find it's not working. Getting them into a good/convenient school mid-year is a whole lot harder.
Schools are designed for the median student: someone who is not too far ahead, not too far behind, no additional needs. For those students, schools mostly work fine. It's the students who are on the edges in various ways who don't fit the system and mostly find school a miserable experience due to a poor fit, because the one-size-fits-all system was not built with them in mind. But before the age of 3 I'd be surprised if you can tell how well they'll fit the system even in 2 years time.

[DuoTulip]

@homeEd2021 I'm assuming you are home educating based on your username? If you could share your experiences that would be really useful.

It isn't about whether she would fit the school system - I am sure she'd be absolutely fine at school. As explained in my post, it's not an issue of believing she will not do ok in school. However, I really believe that the behaviour of a minority of children in schools, combined with pressure on schools not to exclude, is significant and I don't want that to be DD's daily diet. Additionally, you rightly point out that schools cater for the middle of the road. DD will be at least a year ahead academically-speaking. I don't actually think that that is necessarily an issue in EYFS, where they are developing in other, probably more important ways as well. It does bother me, though, that because she will perform academically well, she won't be anybody's priority and schools will be happy for her to stagnate a bit. Again, I've seen this before through direct experience. I do understand your point about trying school first.

@Bunnyhopskip moving house is not on the agenda. Our catchment school is currently not well thought of (both amongst its current parents and Ofsted, not that I set much store by them tbh) but it is not terrible and it wouldn't be the end of the world for her to go there. However, it certainly wouldn't be the best we could offer her and I would not choose that unless all other options were exhausted. Other local schools are good and she may get a place at one of them. It's more that I think the school system per se is very poor. I think that what happens in many primary schools in the run up to the Phonics Test and particularly SATS is shameful. I also wonder why a school academic curriculum and what the government has decided our children should be able to do and know by the end of each stage is somehow thought of as gospel. I think we could offer our DD a more tailored and comprehensive learning experience. What I struggle with is the lack of social opportunities and experiences. It's that I need to see could work.

@Saracen thanks, this is all really helpful. I'll look into home ed camps as I like the sound of the Q&A. I also take on board your point about there being a greater proportion of neurodiverse children in the home ed community. I hadn't considered this and it is a factor.

Any other input would be gratefully received, particularly actu lived experiences.

[Saracen]

Socialisation is a pretty big subject. I guess you are thinking both about the child's social experience (will she be lonely?) and her development of social skills (will she learn how to interact positively with other people?). I think people do have some misconceptions about what both are like for home educated kids.

My two are now 24 and 17. DC1 has always been super sociable and articulate about their experience. One of the reasons they preferred home education was that while school offers six hours a day cheek by jowl with other kids, at school there wasn't much time to actually PLAY and chat with them. While being home educated, they had all-day playdates and were never told to stop socialising and do their work. They tried school for one term aged ten. Their main complaint was that it felt like school had robbed them of all their free time: "Don't they know I have a life?" 😆The teachers seemed to have some agenda for what the kids should be doing at school, and it wasn't socialising. 😂

As far as developing social skills, I think kids learn that better in mixed-age groups and sometimes from adults. I am a big fan of the psychologist Peter Gray. Here are some of his articles on the subject:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/freedom-learn/200809/why-we-should-stop-segregating-children-age-part-i
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/freedom-learn/200809/why-we-should-stop-segregating-children-age-part-ii
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/freedom-learn/200809/why-we-should-stop-segregating-children-age-part-iii
This certainly mirrors what I have observed.

IME the main challenge was getting access to those other kids. If you live somewhere with a reasonable home ed community - which I would say is most areas of England and Wales which aren't too rural - that isn't a problem, so long as you are willing and able to ferry your child about. My two always had both HE and schooled friends. Their HE friendships were more fruitful because those were the kids who actually had time to play. I prioritised social opportunities above all else, certainly for DC1, because it was what they most craved and needed.

[mitogoshi]

I home educated at two points due to circumstances and it was fine but i couldn't replicate the non education aspects of school. The only anecdotal evidence I have of more long term home Ed are 2 people I know, one was home educated until 11 and begrudges her parents to this day, she gained lots of skills including multiple instruments to grade 8 but missed out on a normal childhood. The other is a young lad I had the misfortune of crossing paths with his awful parents, hot housed him, GCSES at 10 sort of thing, bottom line went off the rails at 16 and last I heard had been seen sleeping rough, doing drugs.

Whatever you choose they need a childhood, that's so essential and too often parents are ultra pushy in my experience

[homeEd2021]

OP, I home-educated one child for 4 years. We found home education difficult and were aware it was a big responsibility. But it was also the right thing to do in our case, as the child we did it for had been let down by a school that was no longer meeting their needs.
Educationally, in home ed you can pretty much replicate anything they'd do in school, up to and including science practicals, providing you've got deep enough pockets (e.g. A level practicals can be done as a week-long course). You can also customise to the child in a way that they can't in school. However a few subjects are much more difficult (e.g. drama needs to be done in a group - stagecoach / lamda might be options there). Some subjects (e.g. sciences, geography) need to be taken as IGCSE rather than GCSE.
In terms of careers / universities, again you can do pretty much everything that can be done in school - with enough effort , and some things may be more difficult. DC did work experience organised through universities of york /leeds and also participated in outreach events with AMSP, oxford uni and kings maths school. They now attending a leading university, having done A levels as a private candidate.
Socially, with the best will in the world, you can't turn yourself into a peer group. You need to think how they'll meet other kids / what team or group activities they can do. We started home schooling just before COVID - all our best laid plans for keeping up social and group activities were basically trashed in an instant. Though, paradoxically, it was also a "normalising" event for DC since if they now say "I was home schooled for a while, mainly during COVID", the response will probably be "wasn't everyone?".
We were also comfortable enough to not think twice about the cost of text books, exam entries as a private candidate etc. The costs are not insignificant e.g. for a full set of either GCSEs or A levels you're looking at £2k just for the exam entries.
So it is all possible, though possible does not mean easy. FWIW I think kids get a lot out of school socially in the first few years. Also it is worth saying you will typically get no help at all from the local authority or any other part of the education system - once you're out of the system, you're well and truly out.

[Saracen]

(2) Experiences.

It works both ways. What about all the experiences you'd be "depriving them of" if you sent them to school? Here are some things my kids did which they would have missed if they'd gone to school:
Spending plenty of time with terminally ill relatives. Would a school have authorised two months off to be with Grandma abroad? Or so many days in that golden spring when their beloved dying auntie up the road was joined by her family to sit relaxing in the garden whenever she felt up to it - usually in the middle of the day?
Home ed camps, where they can run in and out of each other's tents all day.
Watching a lunar eclipse at midnight, because they can have a lie-in next day.
Going to a lecture by a famous mathematician in the evening, again not a problem because they can sleep in.
An entire day with friends at the outdoor pool in a heatwave, and going off with a sledge whenever it snows, regardless of whether schools stay open.
Home ed trip to PGL
That time we rescued the sweet old dog which was wandering in the busy road and kept him in our garden all day until his elderly owners both came and hugged him and sobbed with relief. DC1 still remembers that 17 years later!

You mentioned birthday parties specifically. My older child was a social butterfly. I personally felt modest-sized parties were more fun for the kids and a better use of my money than massive parties, and DC enjoyed them well enough. We just invited about 6-10 friends most years. They did have two huge parties where we invited about 30 friends, both home educated and schooled. My younger child was not that bothered who came to her parties; she only had a few close friends and lots of acquaintances. Some years we had parties with extended family, or outings and no parties. Some years we would take one or two friends to the cinema and then to a cafe. Once she fancied a big party and didn't have that many friends, so we simply hired a hall and invited the entire home ed community. This year one of DC's friends invited all the teens from our home ed boardgames club to his birthday; he didn't want anyone to feel left out.

So I don't think it is all that different from school, really. If you have special friends you can invite them, or if you don't have many friends and/or want something bigger you can just invite absolutely everybody, like you would with a whole-class birthday party at school.

[IfIwasrude]

I'm an experienced home edder. If you pm me I will help with anything I can.

To be very brief, the resources out there will easily support you to guide your child through key stage 1 and 2. She will probably form a group of friends through home ed groups and you'll find yourself facilitating a rather busy social life. There are many wonderful online tutors if you have the money, in every subject. Phonics and maths are best taught through play and lots of manipulatives.

[IfIwasrude]

And you'll probably end up achieving mastery in half the time if you're already a teacher as so much goes over the heads of small children in a classroom environment. Many places and resources have special deals available to home educated children. Just for fun, I highly recommend the little naturalists club which is available at a discount - it arrives once a month and my kids absolutely loved it

[GrouchyKiwi]

We've home educated from the start - have three children.

The best things we did was join home ed groups in the area. There are regular meet ups and we've made close friends this way. We do trips together, go on holidays, and just meet up for play during the day. The children are developing close friendships through these groups.

We also go to church (lots of children there, almost all go to school), and the children go to Scouts groups as well. They've made friends in all of those places. In our experience, socialisation is not a problem at all, and my kids are really good at talking with people of all ages.

Through these groups I also know quite a few older children who have "graduated". They are amazing young adults.

Since we have three, teaching the children about others' needs etc isn't an issue. They're learning that in the home naturally! They're all very different personality wise. If we'd just had the one then we'd have gone to more clubs etc from a younger age so there was more interaction in those vital early years.

Re curricula: so far (my kids are primary aged) I've not used one. There are lots and lots of reputable places you can get resources from. I've used Twinkl a lot (it's also used in schools), and just found good books for history etc. Now that DD1 is older we're deciding on which route she's going to take for qualifications etc. We're in Scotland, where it's very difficult to do Nat 5s etc as an external candidate, so most people do GCSEs (or iGCSEs, as mentioned above). We're also considering the US SATs route, since that means fewer exams, which might be better for DD, given her needs. Again, joining your local Home Ed groups should help you meet veteran home educators, who (in my experience) are incredibly willing to share their experiences and offer great advice.

[IfIwasrude]

And when the sun shines, we down tools, check the local Whatsapp group to see where their chums are going (or announce where we are going) and in half an hour they're jumping in the waves at the beach or making a fort in the woods. There's always someone else up for some fun! Although that approach means they may be doing some formal learning on at rainy Saturday/Sunday. Birthdays happen all the time and parties take place with cakes and bonfires. It isn't that big of a deal really - they can still do brownies, gymnastics, park - we have found they're more willing to play with all ages of children and are less aware of gender stereotypes.

[DuoTulip]

Just a quick one and will reply in greater depth when I can, but thank you very much for these helpful replies. I'm really grateful and it all helps to bolster courage for what feels like a hard decision to make, if only because it goes against the norm.

One thing I hadn't mentioned is that DD is (for the moment, and I think it will continue) very able. She already knows (and has for over a year) many phonics sounds and can blend simple words, mainly CVC but developing into doing words with some diagraphs. Her speech is very advanced - people comment on it on a daily basis when we are out and about (saying this to demonstrate that it isn't just us being deluded parents) after hearing a tiny fraction of what she can express. Her number understanding is also very developed. Anyway, my point is that I am concerned that school will just let her stagnate, she'll become a piece of data and if she's "green" on their systems (IE meeting or exceeding their standards), won't be anyone's priority. Equally, I worry that I won't be able to challenge her sufficiently and that she won't make the same progress she would at school (although I think I have done an ok job so far in terms of what she can do). I'm addition to my many other questions (again, am super grateful for all the advice and information) has anyone any experience of home educating a particularly able child and was it the right choice?

[DuoTulip]

@mitogoshi

I home educated at two points due to circumstances and it was fine but i couldn't replicate the non education aspects of school. The only anecdotal evidence I have of more long term home Ed are 2 people I know, one was home educated until 11 and begrudges her parents to this day, she gained lots of skills including multiple instruments to grade 8 but missed out on a normal childhood. The other is a young lad I had the misfortune of crossing paths with his awful parents, hot housed him, GCSES at 10 sort of thing, bottom line went off the rails at 16 and last I heard had been seen sleeping rough, doing drugs.

Whatever you choose they need a childhood, that's so essential and too often parents are ultra pushy in my experience

Just a quick one to say I completely agree - wanting my daughter to have a childhood is probably one of my greatest motivations in considering home ed.

[Saracen]

No, I haven't home educated a child like yours, but I've known such children in the home ed community, including one who was my older child's best friend. I was such a child myself at school. I found school very hard to bear, and left as soon as possible. That was a wonderful turning point in my life.

I think you're worrying too much about progress. You don't have to teach or encourage such a child to learn, any more than you have to coax a kid with a good appetite to eat more. Just leave plenty of offerings on hand and let them tuck in! Library, internet, toys, ideally direct access to a range of knowledgeable and interesting children and adults. You can't stop them learning. The only way to let them down would be to shut them up somewhere without access to the above.

From what I've seen, home educating a highly intelligent child is no more difficult than home educating an average child. (Similarly, I didn't find it harder to home educate my learning-disabled child than her more average sibling.) You just give each child whatever she needs as an individual. If you were good at sewing, I expect you'd find it no harder to make trousers for a tall child than for a child of average height. If you had to buy trousers for your tall child off the rack, now THAT would be difficult. You'd be constantly hunting through all the shops for ANYTHING that was a halfway decent fit, paying over the odds, and having to settle for colours or styles your kid didn't love.

When your daughter is older, she might like online courses. Open University has been a popular choice for very bright HE kids, though the financial side of it is tricky these days, as students are expected to access finance via student loans, which a child can't legally take on. Networking within the home ed community will turn up some good opportunities. For example, a natural history museum near me offers teens the chance to design and undertake research projects of their choice related to the museum's specimens, aided by experts in their chosen topic.

It's possible to sit any number of (I)GCSEs at any age while being home educated, and people imagine that sitting them early would be the pathway for a bright home educated child. But that seldom appeals. All the home educators I know say that preparing for GCSEs is the dullest phase of home education. Compared with self-directed learning, it isn't very inspiring or useful. Without a school breathing down your neck to perform and help them look good, you don't necessarily have to do a whole set of GCSEs anyway. A levels are not so bad. Most home ed kids go to college for A levels, but some very bright teens self-study. Bright young kids usually simply learn things rather than focusing prematurely on demonstrating their knowledge via qualifications. After all, qualifications aren't the point of education; they are a means to an end. If you don't need them for what you want to do, why waste time on them?

[WittyFatball]

I have a very socialable 6 year old who has lots of friends and sees other children every day - we have a small group of other home ed children locally that we see at least weekly, she goes to a childminder with other home ed children twice a week, and she does a home ed class and 3 non-home ed groups/classes.
She gets invited to lots of birthday parties and has had parties herself.

[WittyFatball]

All the home ed families I know have two working parents - either they work around each other eg one M-F, the other weekends or work from home with a late shift and early shift (one working 7-3, the other 12-8 for example), or one full time and one part time while using family or paid for childcare.

[Gagaandgag]

Socialising wise - I do think where you live impacts this too. My sister lives in a very rural part of the uk and has found it quite isolating at times (although always someone to be found on Facebook etc)
Whereas we live countryside between two cities and the social opportunities are brilliant. So much going on. Classes, groups, forest schools, trips, camps etc.
A thriving and helpful WhatsApp.
Look into your local area and make a list or compile opportunities onto something like a Trello board.

Like Pp said about academics- let your daughter lead her way - you are there as a guide and support. You can offer what she needs (resources) but ultimately intrinsic motivation and autonomy are such powerful tools for learning!