Considering home ed for terribly stressed DD

[oldschooloon]

She's an introverted , gifted year 7, feeling suicidal ... Any tips on deregistering and going home ed ?

[oldschooloon]

We are seeing Gp in the morning re the .1 referral ... I'll talk that through and see how that looks for her , I'm off work unexpectedly so am using the time to read up on everything everyone's suggested . Her dad is still anti , but not 100% resistant , he's just unaware of any other method of education than the conventional one . Talked it thru with a friend and she was of the opinion that she'd fail all her exams , game all day and also be on some kind of " register " by social services

[knittingwithnettles]

The thing is, and I know this from talking to another parent in the same situation as you, but much further down the line when the stakes were far far higher

the school will harass you about her attendance, you will feel compelled to persuade her to try and go to school, you will continue to seek a solution WITH school....and the problem will not be solved, your anxiety will be added to her anxiety. She won't be learning anything (thus negating the point of school based education) and she will be developing more and more phobic responses to the idea of formal learning/other people/authority/world outside home and a very distorted view of herself as an outsider, failure, misfit.

She is none of those things.

When you home educate you are taking a different path; when you deregister you are no longer accountable to any of these professionals and you can concentrate on what is best for her and you, and your family, and she will meet loads of other children/teens who are home educated if and when she wants to.

[knittingwithnettles]

What twaddle from "friend". Deregistering is perfectly legal. Whereas truanting is not. How can she fail her exams? They are 5 years hence!!!!

[bizzey]

oldschoolon I came on this section to ask the same thing !

DS is 12 ..yr8 and school has always been a nightmare.
He has ASD /PDA and learning problems. He is about 2/3 years behind but the curriculum is still making him do yr 8 work.

I have thought about HE for ages but wasn't sure if I could teach it..but at least he would be learnig more than not goin in !

His anxiety about school is awful to witness ...and I also worry for his mental health..and mine to be honest as I just feel sick with the situation we are in .

I am going to make enquires myself ...we could hold hands !

[bizzey]

knitting Just seen your post..and so agree .That is how I feel.

[semideponent]

OP, it sounds like a difficult situation, I'm so sorry and good luck working out how to proceed.

We did HS for DS (yr 8) and DD (y 6) for a host of reasons. Both are now back at school for Y9 and Y7.

HE can work really well. My DD, for instance, has come much further than we think she would have done otherwise in maths. Her confidence was definitely faltering when she left school and that's not the case any longer.

With DS, HE was more difficult, but academically speaking, worked out ok. It was stressful, though. Teachers at his new school have suggested that ADHD might explain some of his past difficulties and we're now working on a diagnosis (or not, as the case may be). In the light of that, HE perhaps delayed a diagnosis, because we weren't trained to spot the condition. (However, nor did his previous school).

I now tutor and one of my tutees is homeschooled. I met the HE coordinator from the LEA this morning while with my tutee. She was brilliant - friendly, approachable, full of ideas and resources, very encouraging. There is support out there if you decide to do it!

[Bluntness100]

Can I ask , could there be something at the school itself bothering her? Bullying, anything like that? Could a different school help,maybe? Could there be something in her learning pace that is causing her concern? Does she have friends at school? Or maybe has she changed school recently?

I'm just wondering if there is maybe more causing her reaction, that if uou could resolve, would then make schooling easier.

[Badders123]

If you home ed and it doesn't work out schools will still exist (obv not the one she's at now)
Deciding to home ed does not necessarily mean turning your back on mainstream education forever.
My Own eldest Son was HE for year 2
He went back for year 3 at another school and is currently in year 9

[Badders123]

And tbh is she is suicidal she needs help asap
School would be the least of my worries

[Waitingfordolly]

My DD won't take as many GCSEs as she would have done at school, though she'll take some earlier, but that doesn't really bother me as I see other HE kids who've done well regardless, once you're off the exams treadmill it just doesn't matter so much. If she sees a purpose in taking more exams later she can do, but I decided she may never get her mental health back if I didn't do something. Now six months later her anxiety has gone and she is starting to be interested in stuff again. There was recently a bit on R4 All In The Mind about adolescent mental health that confirmed to me I'd done the right thing.

[knittingwithnettles]

Bizzey Ds2 has ASD/inattentive ADHD. Lessons at home were quite taxing - ds definitely thrived on a bit of company whilst he was learning and had a very low attention threshold, BUT academically he went from unable to write anything to enjoying completing tasks and showing an interest in all sorts of current affairs, history, biology, art. Ds definitely liked structure and to know what he was doing on any particular day; there were a few teething problems with socialising - after all he still has ASD, but the pressure of school removed, he had a chance to blossom into his better self. They say that no-one can give you a template for home education, because you do have to tailor make it to your own child. Ours was lots of fresh air, chatting together, building friendships, meeting other home ed families in communal settings (rather than private homes, although there was a bit of that) And a bit of formal work in the mornings only - 2 hours max? (if that

[Showmetheminstrels]

How is she tonight, OP?

[oldschooloon]

Been a long evening . She came out cheerful , in the belief that she could just stay in nurture .. We've spent the evening watching films and just chilling out ... It's very much a case of one convo , one decision/management at a time , her older sister at uni has chimed in with a crisis of her own , and I'm just fried ... Finding it very hard . Toddler tantrums are nothing on this stuff ... I'll update after the doctors tomorrow , thanks all , a lot of positivity , much needed right now .

[oldschooloon]

I'm hoping to sign her off for a spell I guess ... We just need a break ...

[oldschooloon]

Tomorrow is another day .

[SimonNeilshair]

Good luck OP

[oldschooloon]

Well , Gp was worse than useless , basically told her life was tough and to go back to class ... But , she's seen the school support worker today who was a huge help . She's in nurture all week while I do some major thinking ... Thanks all

[knittingwithnettles]

We do sometimes have to "talk" ds through negative feelings about people and places. For example he might say he doesn't want to do some activity because last time it went badly so we discuss the possibility that this time it might go better, for x and y reasons, and that it is not the end of the world if x and y happens. In some children "catastrophe" thinking is part of their anxiety - perhaps the GP in her blundering way was trying to do a bit of that technique. I'm not excusing her, but you may come across this again with professionals, they don't really listen but instantly give "solutions" to do with encouraging resilience automomy and soldiering on All well and good, but only if you identify why a child is anxious in the first place.

However, if something really doesn't suit in any way, that is when you have to listen to the child's anxiety rather than trying to say chin up.

CBT is what we use - what's the worst that can happen if....etc etc... but this also goes hand in hand with taking pressure off where we can.

I'm so sorry you have had a rubbish time with GP. It is also extremely difficult discussing children's anxiety in front of them.

[user1471537877]

Hi op

There are lots of us around with girls just like yours, our DD is now 14 and was very similar to your own story

I wanted to give you hope as I remember how awful it is where you are now

20 months ago we pulled our DD from school when suicide became a very real possibility and placed her at Interhigh, the change was amazing

At interhigh there are a lot of girls just like ours and it's seems to work for them, on Monday they had a rare real life meet up and it was so emotional to see DD and her group of virtual class friends spending time together

We actually have our place funded by the local authority, this can be done with an EHCP and is even part of the local offer in some places now (Bristol)

The reduction in anxiety has improved all aspects of DD's life and talk of suicide is firmly in the past

[Pidlan]

Wanted to offer to you both. I have no experience in this at all, but having two children in school and having recently looked properly at the curriculum for GCSE, I do think that schools are mostly ineffectual/inefficient as regards to teaching. Not the fault of teachers at all. So I think your DD will be far better off out of school.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Another one to recommend Interhigh.

If the cost is a little high you could always just do year 10 and 11 for the GCSEs.

I pulled ds out at the end of year 3 when his teacher said he was below nursery standard. Like semi ds was still being taught and having to do the homework for a year 3 when he hadnt a clue what was written on the board. After starting school and loving reception I could see ds starting to hate school.

It took him 2 years to learn to read and write and we put him back into a different school for year 6 which he loved. But the transition to senior school didn't work out so we pulled him out. Ds started at Interhigh last year.
Whilst he struggles with some lessons he flies through others and he is taking 10 GCSEs.

[oldschooloon]

I don't know what ehcp is , I'll ask the Google , if she could be funded that would be fantastic ... Her dad and I aren't together but we coparent very successfully. Someone asked what her concerns/triggers are with this stuff , she's been bullied in the past , badly ... And this particular spike in anxiety was triggered by falling out with a friend who then started bullying her in social media . I've shut that window down hard , and communicated courteously to this child's mother that perhaps her access to social media platforms needs addressing

Her dads just messaged me that she's happier at school right now than he has seen in a long time , the intensity of high school literally makes her ill... This particular incident is actually a small part of a greater picture . She's said she's really enjoyed quietly studying alone ... As for the cbt stuff , we've been working on that in her bullet journal , alongside the positive statements her counsellor wrote out with her in their recent meet . She's definitely feeling better , but she's supposed to be back in classroom next week , I'm discussing that with pastoral this morning ... I know where this needs to go though . I'm very much tipping toward deregistering her . Just gotta pull it all together in my head , it's been a really shitty week .

[knittingwithnettles]

okay, just a warning.

If you want to get an EHCP it will be much easier if she is still in school, but signed off with anxiety.

An EHCP can take up to a year to sort out, and you need lots of evidence.

LAs are very unlikely to fund your child for anything once you deregister as it will be deemed Elective Home Education.

There's an adoption blog called Family Of Five where children with an EHCP who subsequently deregistered were still not given any funding.

I know people whose children have Statements (old style EHCPs) who get absolutely nil funding (this in London)

So please please do not assume you will get money for funding, unless your LA is remarkably forward thinking.

I DO KNOW people whose children have left school with severe anxiety, but they were still registered at school, and received home tuition (small amount) or funding for online tuition, but crucially they were still the responsibility of the LA as they were not deregistered.

This in no way detracts from the the emotional freedom to be gained from deregistering, but I did not wish you to have false illusions.

I stand to be corrected, if anyone has good news!!!

[knittingwithnettles]

You can apply for an EHCP yourself (google IPSEA for further info on that) or your LA will have all the links. The school can apply for you, but they have to show a lot of evidence that they have tried and failed to give her the help she needs over the last term.

I know all this because I have been through it over the last few years, and applying for EHCP whilst home educating was a lot of admin, professional reports and being fobbed off by the LA. However, it doesn't really matter because school refused to apply for one anyway...

I have one now, but that was only to get ds2 into a more suitable school, it certainly wasn't any use to me whilst home educating.

Again I stand to be corrected by anyone who has a different experience or take on this.

[musicposy]

I was where you are with DD1 a few years back. I was terrified of taking her out as I knew I could never educated a secondary child myself. In the end I had to decide that her mental health was more important and screw the education for a bit. I took her out at the end of Y7 and told her she must go back for GCSEs in year 10.

She never did go back. She did all her exams at home with a mixture of self study and me helping her muddle through. The muddling through ended up being a very good system as she got 10 excellent GCSEs/IGCSEs, went on to do A levels at college where she was very happy despite her school experiences, and is now at full time performing arts school having won a fully funded place.

She is 20 now and still thanks me regularly for listening to her and taking her out. She is adament her own children when she has them will not go to school. Even had she not got a single exam, I'd still have done the right thing. She's so happy, well balanced, self assured, sensible, sociable. Home ed gave her all that.

Take your DD out and tell yourself it's just for now. Free yourself from all this stress. Worry about the education later - it will come, I promise you. Nothing is more important than her mental wellbeing.