Considering home ed for terribly stressed DD

[oldschooloon]

She's an introverted , gifted year 7, feeling suicidal ... Any tips on deregistering and going home ed ?

[Bettyspants]

That makes more sense! I was incredibly depressed at that age, school was something additional that I couldn't handle , I was literally terrified. I only took s handful of exams but 20 yrs later I'm doing a PhD . You'll need GP on board (more than likely psychological assessment)and get to the bottom of her worries, it may not all stem from school but I absolutely agree keep her off at the moment! Good luck op I really feel for you X

[oldschooloon]

She's year 8 actually , ( I fluffed the OP )and is now 12 years old . Now Xmas is over I'm going to look into all the alternative options . She's not had a psych eval yet , I'm told that'll happen early January ... Already dreading the new term , turns out some girls in her school have been at her on social media , one in particular. We've managed a moderately relaxed Xmas holiday tho , but the buildup to the new terms anxiety will kick off any time now . Thanks BP

[Bettyspants]

Op I can't read through all of the comments, cheers iphone. Those feelings for a 7 year old are extremely concerning. Has she had a psychiatrist assessment yet? If as you describe she's feeling ill to that extent then take her off sick first and have proper assessments. This may not be purerly down to school. She's incredibly young, nothing has to be set in stone yet just worked around her best interests. My husband is a deputy head in a primary school but most of my schooling was 'alternative ' with Steiner schooling, bit of main stream and some home ED that had structured lessons. There doesn't have to be the school or home ED choice, there's other options to look at while she's so poorly, longer term decisions can be made later.

[oldschooloon]

Thanks , she's barely made it into school at all the last few weeks ... She's asking for home ed now , I'm researching what I can and we'll see in the new year X

[helpimitchy]

OP, he will come round to the idea. My dh was horrified when I first suggested it for ds2, but he did at least promise to take a look. This was around February this year.

Ds2 has tried to manage in Year 7 at school, but is clearly not going to manage (asd, severe anxiety, ocd), so he starts at Interhigh in January. Dh is very nervous and chewed up about it, but has agreed that we can't carry on the way we're going. Ds2 has never managed at any school and the bullying is just too much for him. Online schooling looks like an amazing opportunity and I really wish there'd been something like that when I was going through bullying at secondary. I left school with very few qualifications, acute anxiety and a lifetime of resentment against my tormentors.

Try to have confidence that you're doing the right thing. Mental health is just as precious as physical health.

[oldschooloon]

Her father is a lot more on board with the home ed idea ...

[oldschooloon]

So she's off , another non specific " I feel terrible " I'm going to see Gp with her tomorrow and have requested a formal meeting with the school . I'm going to request that she's signed off until after Christmas , so we can breathe and consider our options , thanks again to everybody , all the insight has been a huge help X

[oldschooloon]

Thank you musicposy, she's due to go back into class this week and I'm dreading it . I'll go in with her this morning and see what pastoral have in place for her support , or not ... And take it from there ...

[musicposy]

I was where you are with DD1 a few years back. I was terrified of taking her out as I knew I could never educated a secondary child myself. In the end I had to decide that her mental health was more important and screw the education for a bit. I took her out at the end of Y7 and told her she must go back for GCSEs in year 10.

She never did go back. She did all her exams at home with a mixture of self study and me helping her muddle through. The muddling through ended up being a very good system as she got 10 excellent GCSEs/IGCSEs, went on to do A levels at college where she was very happy despite her school experiences, and is now at full time performing arts school having won a fully funded place.

She is 20 now and still thanks me regularly for listening to her and taking her out. She is adament her own children when she has them will not go to school. Even had she not got a single exam, I'd still have done the right thing. She's so happy, well balanced, self assured, sensible, sociable. Home ed gave her all that.

Take your DD out and tell yourself it's just for now. Free yourself from all this stress. Worry about the education later - it will come, I promise you. Nothing is more important than her mental wellbeing.

[knittingwithnettles]

You can apply for an EHCP yourself (google IPSEA for further info on that) or your LA will have all the links. The school can apply for you, but they have to show a lot of evidence that they have tried and failed to give her the help she needs over the last term.

I know all this because I have been through it over the last few years, and applying for EHCP whilst home educating was a lot of admin, professional reports and being fobbed off by the LA. However, it doesn't really matter because school refused to apply for one anyway...

I have one now, but that was only to get ds2 into a more suitable school, it certainly wasn't any use to me whilst home educating.

Again I stand to be corrected by anyone who has a different experience or take on this.

[knittingwithnettles]

okay, just a warning.

If you want to get an EHCP it will be much easier if she is still in school, but signed off with anxiety.

An EHCP can take up to a year to sort out, and you need lots of evidence.

LAs are very unlikely to fund your child for anything once you deregister as it will be deemed Elective Home Education.

There's an adoption blog called Family Of Five where children with an EHCP who subsequently deregistered were still not given any funding.

I know people whose children have Statements (old style EHCPs) who get absolutely nil funding (this in London)

So please please do not assume you will get money for funding, unless your LA is remarkably forward thinking.

I DO KNOW people whose children have left school with severe anxiety, but they were still registered at school, and received home tuition (small amount) or funding for online tuition, but crucially they were still the responsibility of the LA as they were not deregistered.

This in no way detracts from the the emotional freedom to be gained from deregistering, but I did not wish you to have false illusions.

I stand to be corrected, if anyone has good news!!!

[oldschooloon]

I don't know what ehcp is , I'll ask the Google , if she could be funded that would be fantastic ... Her dad and I aren't together but we coparent very successfully. Someone asked what her concerns/triggers are with this stuff , she's been bullied in the past , badly ... And this particular spike in anxiety was triggered by falling out with a friend who then started bullying her in social media . I've shut that window down hard , and communicated courteously to this child's mother that perhaps her access to social media platforms needs addressing

Her dads just messaged me that she's happier at school right now than he has seen in a long time , the intensity of high school literally makes her ill... This particular incident is actually a small part of a greater picture . She's said she's really enjoyed quietly studying alone ... As for the cbt stuff , we've been working on that in her bullet journal , alongside the positive statements her counsellor wrote out with her in their recent meet . She's definitely feeling better , but she's supposed to be back in classroom next week , I'm discussing that with pastoral this morning ... I know where this needs to go though . I'm very much tipping toward deregistering her . Just gotta pull it all together in my head , it's been a really shitty week .

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Another one to recommend Interhigh.

If the cost is a little high you could always just do year 10 and 11 for the GCSEs.

I pulled ds out at the end of year 3 when his teacher said he was below nursery standard. Like semi ds was still being taught and having to do the homework for a year 3 when he hadnt a clue what was written on the board. After starting school and loving reception I could see ds starting to hate school.

It took him 2 years to learn to read and write and we put him back into a different school for year 6 which he loved. But the transition to senior school didn't work out so we pulled him out. Ds started at Interhigh last year.
Whilst he struggles with some lessons he flies through others and he is taking 10 GCSEs.

[Pidlan]

Wanted to offer to you both. I have no experience in this at all, but having two children in school and having recently looked properly at the curriculum for GCSE, I do think that schools are mostly ineffectual/inefficient as regards to teaching. Not the fault of teachers at all. So I think your DD will be far better off out of school.

[user1471537877]

Hi op

There are lots of us around with girls just like yours, our DD is now 14 and was very similar to your own story

I wanted to give you hope as I remember how awful it is where you are now

20 months ago we pulled our DD from school when suicide became a very real possibility and placed her at Interhigh, the change was amazing

At interhigh there are a lot of girls just like ours and it's seems to work for them, on Monday they had a rare real life meet up and it was so emotional to see DD and her group of virtual class friends spending time together

We actually have our place funded by the local authority, this can be done with an EHCP and is even part of the local offer in some places now (Bristol)

The reduction in anxiety has improved all aspects of DD's life and talk of suicide is firmly in the past

[knittingwithnettles]

We do sometimes have to "talk" ds through negative feelings about people and places. For example he might say he doesn't want to do some activity because last time it went badly so we discuss the possibility that this time it might go better, for x and y reasons, and that it is not the end of the world if x and y happens. In some children "catastrophe" thinking is part of their anxiety - perhaps the GP in her blundering way was trying to do a bit of that technique. I'm not excusing her, but you may come across this again with professionals, they don't really listen but instantly give "solutions" to do with encouraging resilience automomy and soldiering on All well and good, but only if you identify why a child is anxious in the first place.

However, if something really doesn't suit in any way, that is when you have to listen to the child's anxiety rather than trying to say chin up.

CBT is what we use - what's the worst that can happen if....etc etc... but this also goes hand in hand with taking pressure off where we can.

I'm so sorry you have had a rubbish time with GP. It is also extremely difficult discussing children's anxiety in front of them.

[oldschooloon]

Well , Gp was worse than useless , basically told her life was tough and to go back to class ... But , she's seen the school support worker today who was a huge help . She's in nurture all week while I do some major thinking ... Thanks all

[SimonNeilshair]

Good luck OP

[oldschooloon]

Tomorrow is another day .

[oldschooloon]

I'm hoping to sign her off for a spell I guess ... We just need a break ...

[oldschooloon]

Been a long evening . She came out cheerful , in the belief that she could just stay in nurture .. We've spent the evening watching films and just chilling out ... It's very much a case of one convo , one decision/management at a time , her older sister at uni has chimed in with a crisis of her own , and I'm just fried ... Finding it very hard . Toddler tantrums are nothing on this stuff ... I'll update after the doctors tomorrow , thanks all , a lot of positivity , much needed right now .

[Showmetheminstrels]

How is she tonight, OP?

[knittingwithnettles]

Bizzey Ds2 has ASD/inattentive ADHD. Lessons at home were quite taxing - ds definitely thrived on a bit of company whilst he was learning and had a very low attention threshold, BUT academically he went from unable to write anything to enjoying completing tasks and showing an interest in all sorts of current affairs, history, biology, art. Ds definitely liked structure and to know what he was doing on any particular day; there were a few teething problems with socialising - after all he still has ASD, but the pressure of school removed, he had a chance to blossom into his better self. They say that no-one can give you a template for home education, because you do have to tailor make it to your own child. Ours was lots of fresh air, chatting together, building friendships, meeting other home ed families in communal settings (rather than private homes, although there was a bit of that) And a bit of formal work in the mornings only - 2 hours max? (if that

[Waitingfordolly]

My DD won't take as many GCSEs as she would have done at school, though she'll take some earlier, but that doesn't really bother me as I see other HE kids who've done well regardless, once you're off the exams treadmill it just doesn't matter so much. If she sees a purpose in taking more exams later she can do, but I decided she may never get her mental health back if I didn't do something. Now six months later her anxiety has gone and she is starting to be interested in stuff again. There was recently a bit on R4 All In The Mind about adolescent mental health that confirmed to me I'd done the right thing.

[Badders123]

And tbh is she is suicidal she needs help asap
School would be the least of my worries