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Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Higher education

DD may leave uni

31 replies

ginorwine · 14/12/2017 12:24

Dd was ill during a levels and first term uni
She finds has minimal social life and her course is quite intensive cf to my

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ginorwine · 15/12/2017 13:25

Yes good idea
We need to chill ++++ me thinks !!!
If she changes course to another uni she wd need go open days in Jan - so wd have to get onto it .
Thank you !!😁

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LIZS · 15/12/2017 13:13

Maybe let her chill until new year then. She will make a better decision when fully well.

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ginorwine · 15/12/2017 13:09

I think she doesn't have a clue what she wants to do
She feels uni will give her space to do a bit of growing up but it may be mistake that it is an intense degree as lots round her v studious indeed .
I feel at a loss
. She won't let me talk to her just wants to chill at home for now ...

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LIZS · 15/12/2017 12:13

It might be rated as the best course (although if that is based on a student survey it may or may not stand up to scrutiny) but that doesn't necessarily make it the best course for her. Have her ambitions changed, are there alternative ways to achieve it (different course/uni or an apprenticeship) or would she prefer to take time out to reconsider. However if she wants to be treated as an adult she needs some parameters about respecting your space and home and contributing while living there.

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ginorwine · 15/12/2017 10:03

Hi better not say but yes it's intensive with short term s and rated best course in country for her subject . Think chose it for that but had no idea how intensive n reality . Totally different to our sons uni . He has a great social life as well as study and I think it makes her compare .
I wonder if should change uni but she chose it for course and beautiful location .
Sorry I had melt down - ! It was combined with a very significant and sad date and I think I became totally overwhelmed . Thank you all .

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Decorhate · 15/12/2017 07:00

OP, is your dd at Oxbridge? (thinking that because of the long holidays).

I would say it is very normal at this stage of 1st year for students there (or on other intensive courses) to realise that their uni experience is different to others. My dd's friend felt everyone else was having so much more fun. And seriously considered dropping out & reappling elsewhere by Christmas.

She did stick with it & perhaps improved her social life once she realised it wasn't necessary to aim for an A in every assignment.

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 22:37

How can I help her to be more independent and resilient in long term ? I'd like advice .
Have taught her to wash cook manage money - talked to her about self care and emotional care . Any advice really really appreciated .
I do think being ill has made her understandably focus on home more . Plus coming home to see b friend . Her health seems to be improving at home due to rest . She ate ok at uni I sent Tesco orders when I realised she was not feeling great .

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 22:34

Liz yes I think that we have done a lot for her and maybe combined with the illness she is less resilient than she thinks .
She facetimes her b f twice a day and seems to be planning to marry him
. He is 4 years older and works .
He is lovely . His family are a traditional working class family who all live nearby and they seem to work after leaving school ( since you ask ) . They have a traveller related background . Yes home for Christmas for 6 weeks - but has been home many weekends due to feeling ill .

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LIZS · 14/12/2017 22:25

I think you can quite reasonably limit the bf visits, after all it is your home and he should not take advantage. Presumably you expected her home over the break so it is the anticipation of this extending indefinitely that is the concern. Is he same age or older, what level of education? It would not be sensible for her to put everything on hold just because she is missing him but if otherwise as unhappy as she sounds and burnt out give her a time limit to make a decision and develop a different plan if needs be. Assuming she is well enough.

Also I wonder if perhaps your natural concern and support has made her overly dependent on familiar home life and may have inadvertently undermined an already wavering resolve to stay at uni. Could you consider ways to make her more independent and resilient in the long term.

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 22:13

Ok bluntness I do get you
I can't pretend to myself I like it
It's not something I do easily
I guess I will have to act as tho it's all fab - when in reality we really need some time to ourselves - we are not the only ones who can't wait for time by ourselves tho I know that . But you are right I need to put my own feelings and wishes aside .

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 22:10

Bluntness
We simply want time to ourselves
I went to uni as did my brother and left home then
She expects me to do a lot for her when not ill
Of course I look after her weather ill or not
It's just that we were really looking forward to time by ourself and yes that is selfish but after many years of parenting we wanted that and of course we feel for her but we really really need time as a couple and hoped for independent dc soon .
I do do things for her for eg tomorrow we are having a pamper day at home with hot choc
Face packs etc - I was saying I go to the bedroom as I am desperate for space but it does not mean I don't do things with her - she was due to come out with me tonight also .etc

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Bluntness100 · 14/12/2017 21:56

You say she was ill op, what kind of illness did she have?

It must be hard for her, to have a mother who clearly doesn’t want her there, who sits in her room after dinner to avoid her own child and who has asked her child to leave at least once a week, clearly she knows you are rejecting her.

On thr other side she’s not enjoying uni either. I wonder if she’s back because she wants to feel accepted by her parents, to make it clear to you this is her home too. And I wonder what kind of illness she had and if this impacted on her course.

I can only put myself in her shoes and your clear rejection of your own child must cut her to thr bone.

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 21:45

Maybe it wd be ok to ask that she goes somewhere once a week
I've asked before and she said no
She will go to her room
It's not the same as o can hear her to
Her playing music etc ..

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 21:44

To be honest apart from time with dh I really really need time in house alone
To clean
Thinkabd just be .

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AJPTaylor · 14/12/2017 21:40

I utterly understand.
I think you and dh need to decide what you can both do to make life ok if she does come back.
This, for me, would not include a boyf hanging around the house. Maybe say 1 night a week. Be clear about financially contributing to the household.
Most importantly, you both have to emotionally detach from the day to day minute by minute drama.

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allthegoodusernameshavegone · 14/12/2017 21:24

What is she doing at uni? She may progress better by simply getting into work, there is huge pressure that everyone needs to go to uni these days but in reality getting involved in a company in a field they want to be in will give them a better kick start. In my industry, which historically you would only require college level education, the uni graduates are left way behind the schoolleavers who progress through the ranks from leaving college or sixth form. Of course I’m not supposed to say that but it is true, they are certainly on a different level in so many ways.

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thesandwich · 14/12/2017 21:11

I really understand. Don’t ignore your needs. Perhaps have a discussion with her on an adult basis of how to meet all your needs?

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 19:55

Of course I will put her needs first . It's just that it's at a cost to me in terms of I'm struggling as we so needed some time .

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 16:47

And she facetimes mostly daily .etc

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 16:46

I've asked her to defer
We have also been up and down motorway collecting her
When ill insist she rest do get laundry send food orders

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Marissa2727 · 14/12/2017 15:35

Also I don't want to be harsh but I think you are being a little bit mean in terms of liking the tidy house etc. If your dd has been ill you and your partner should really be supporting her to get things back on track this year. It's only another 9 months in the grand scheme of things!

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Marissa2727 · 14/12/2017 15:32

She could defer or talk to her uni about changing course to start next year. She could then focus on getting her health better and getting some more work experience which will boost her chances of getting a job when she graduates.
It is understandable that she is missing her boyfriend but she shouldn't make any decisions based around him. It would be great if they stay together long term but things happen and it would be a shame if she changed her uni options because of this.

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 15:00

Thanks for understanding . I feel quite low about this so appreciate it .

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ginorwine · 14/12/2017 14:59

Thanks all
It's a big shock
I sadly feel really resentful
Which feels selfish
But it's how I feel
As does dh
Feel trapped that her decisions will impact on our life
Will read over what you say
It's hard as I loved uni as does my son and I wd feel guilty if we try to push her to stay but alternative may be worse
She has good cv tho as worked in 6 th form so she wd get a job locally but that's on part why am worried .
!!!
Just desp have time with dh
He is nearly 60 and we need some time .
Re b / f yes I've said that - they go to his one night a week but reluctantly as we live near town etc .

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PilarTernera · 14/12/2017 14:53

I completely understand what you mean about loving the space, the tidy house and having more energy to do stuff. I feel the same.

Could you set a boundary regarding how many nights a week the bf stays at yours? Sit down with dd, tell her it's nothing against him but you are not happy and have an adult discussion about what to do.

Any idea yet what she might do instead of uni? Even if she applies for a different less intensive course in the future, she will have to do something until then.