DD not settling in halls

[RosalieCalvert]

I hope someone can help with advice as having talked it over with DD she is unsure whether she should try to transfer halls or tough it out.

She did badly in her A levels last year and ended up taking a place through clearing at a quiet University that she had not visited. She hated her course but struggled on and passed the first year. She decided not go back and luckily managed to get a last minute place on a course this year at a Uni that she had loved on the open day last year. She had to start the first year again as it is a different course. She is in a northern City where there are I think a few Unis.

She was allocated a place in catered halls but is really struggling to make friends and feels that she is being left out and is getting quite disheartened. She has tried to make friends but it doesn’t seem to be working. Everyone else on her corridor seems to have gelled except for one guy who doesn’t leave his room and another guy who spends most of his time in his girlfriend’s hall.

Speaking to her today she said last night a few of them were knocking on everyone’s door to go out except hers. This has happened a few times and often she is in her room whilst the others all go out. At the start of uni there was a WhatsApp group and it would be on there when they were going for the evening meal or breakfast. This seems to have gone quiet however they all seem to know when they are meeting. She did message on their a few times and can see that her messages have been read but no one replies. There are two girls who have taken a dislike to her to the point of speaking to everyone else but ignoring her

The good thing is that she really does love the course and all the different modules. She has a lot more work to do which she is enjoying as at the previous Uni she found that there was very little study to do. However this makes the evenings even lonelier as she has nothing to do. She loves clubbing and gigs but doesn’t have anyone to go with and is losing heart. She doesn’t want me to do anything but is getting quite depressed and spending her time in her room every evening. She is saying that if she transfers halls she still might not make any friends.

[pixelchick10]

Plenty do move - my daughter is mainly friends with those on her course but says the new flatmates are nice, pleasant to have a chat to and clean up after themselves!

[Seti]

Oh god tell her to move, 100%

[honeyroar]

My stepson doesn't seem to have made friends in his hall either, despite being in self catering. He's been put in a hall with two third year foreign students that stick together and two other students that live fairly near and go home a lot. He seems to socialise with people from his course though and seems perfectly happy. I feel a tiny bit sad for him, I had such a laugh with my flatmates in my first year of uni, it was such a fun house.

[Dunlurking]

Try to persuade her to move halls. My ds was practically in tears last night on the phone, because he's so happy in his 2nd year student house with his friends. He said 'This is what it should have been like last year in my flat Mum - what I really hoped for at uni.' I couldn't convince him to apply for a hall/flat transfer last year but he did become happier once he'd made friends in a couple of student societies. Without those he would have packed up the course, even though he loves it.

[pixelchick10]

My DD has just moved halls two weeks after starting - it is easy and she is a whole lot happier as she is near the guys she likes on her course

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

The problem with catered halls is that it’s very restrictive if you like to be impulsive about when and wheee you want to eat dinner. So if your course mates suggest going to the union for a few beers, you end up looking at your watch thinking “I’d better get back so I don’t miss the evening dinner.” And if you haven’t gelled with your hallmates then this can be very frustrating knowing you’ve left like-minded course mates having fun elsewhere.

I really should have thought about the implications of catered halls arrangements. They are so expensive it just isn’t an option to keep missing the meal times. It felt claustrophobic and infantilising to me and I dropped out because of it. If my kids move away I will be advised to go self-catering. They can come and go as they please then, mixing with whoever they choose and eating whatever meals they want to make themselves at any time. Bring coursemates back and cook for them etc.m

It’s easy to become miserable and stifled in catered halls and then you end up thinking that the whole uni experience just isn’t for you, which is incorrect.

I blame “A different world” with Lisa Bonet for my stupid decision to go catered halls. They all lived on campus and shared rooms etc. I thought that’s just what you DID at uni.. and at an open day I went to they only showed us catered halls.

There are WAY better options.

[Loopytiles]

Stick her name down for a move, seek to make friends on her course (many people socialise more with people on their course than people in halls), join activities/ societies or attend social things she enjoys (eg exercise classes, drop in film or book club).

IMO self catering is better!

[Ullathegreat]

Agree with all those who suggest moving if she can. Sometimes, the chemistry on a hall just doesn't work, and if you're the one being left out it can be pretty miserable. DD2 had something similar her first year; changed flats to live with an equally random group of people but it was a much better fit for her -- she made great friends and is living with a group of them this year. But before she moved, she was starting to feel like she had the plague!

[Fffion]

My DS1 didn't make friends in his student house in first year. His friends were all from the football club and a few societies he joined.

DD is in her first year now, and thankfully her flatmates are nice. I don't think they go out much though. Her main social activity is Christian Union and Church. She is also in a few societies, and has actually done a couple of activities. Her course is way to big to gel with people this soon. There are hundreds in her lectures, with lots of people taking her subject as outside courses, who will move on in January.

She is happy.

[bigbluebus]

DS didn't socialise at all with the people in his flat in his 1st year at uni. He did socialise a lot with people who were on his course - although it was the sort of course which had quite a lot of group work so was quite easy to get to know people - maybe not so easy if your DDs course is mostly lecture based.

[BubblesBuddy]

There were formals where DD went and I know other halls have them elsewhere. If it's just a canteen then there's no social advantage but at least you don't have to cook! Lots of good advice on here about making friends and it isn't necessarily easier when you move, but it might be.

[Framboise18]

She could make friends on her course or try to make friends elsewhere. She can join societies which has a lot of social events in groups. Honestly it is just the beginning and to a certain degree everyone feels a little left out but there are so many people at university she will make friends xxx hope this helps

[Needmoresleep]

No formal alas where DD is. (Actually a relief. It seems to be an Oxbridge thing.) But the sports club she has joined have 'mothers' and 'fathers' and with their organising post training things and AU socials she has met several people who she feels are starting to be friends. DS had similar with a film society. I assume the same would be true for a musician.

It's early days. Flat mates are random so not always going to be best friends. She should think about what she enjoys doing and engage with like minded people. And if it is clubbing, how about getting involved in Ents?

[whiteroseredrose]

I'd suggest moving too. I did, at the end of the first term and it was a good move for me.

Also she may want to see if she can go for coffee / lunch after lectures with someone on her course. Then suggest meeting up in the evening. Or join one of the millions of clubs and societies that Unis have. She can go along to a meet up and chat to people there.

What has always worked for me is having an idea of what I want to do and offering the invite to a group. Anyone fancy going to see xxx? Often there's one or two takers so off you go!

It really is very early days. She'll find her tribe somewhere.

[AdalindSchade]

Haha no that’s not what catered halls are like. They are just canteens.

[BubblesBuddy]

Actually, no it isn't. It is a good way to meet others and this is one reason why some students choose a catered hall.

[NotPeaked]

Do they not have formal meals where everyone goes into dine at the same time?. I think that's just a few Unis such as Oxford, Cambridge and Hogwarts etc. 🤔

[BubblesBuddy]

I find it slightly odd she has not felled with people over meals. Do they not have formal meals where everyone goes into dine at the same time? On balance, ask to move but she will need to face facts that she could be cooking meals on her own so clubs and course mates are vital.

[NotPeaked]

Has she made any friends on her course?

I'd encourage her to move.

[missminimum]

She may be possibly more mature than others having already lived a year away from home. I would just emphasise that she does not have to be best friends with those in her halls just polite and friendly toward them .They have been randomly thrown together and they may not all be like minded. Discuss the fact that it is great she has found the right course and there will be 100s of other students who she will have things in common with and could be her friend. As others have said, encourage her to wedge her door open to indicate she is trying to be friendly. There are loads of societies and volunteering opportunities at uni and that would be the best way of forging friendships.

[chocatoo]

Def move! Can't be any worse than now...but talk to the wardens so that they can try to be helpful with the move rather than just bunging her wherever there's a space. Def join clubs! - that's the way to have a ready made social like. Good luck. Let us know how she gets on (as she will be in my thoughts - I hate the thought of her being sad!)

[Fffion]

Has she spoken to the warden?

[Aria2015]

Moving could be good. Hopefully the people at her new halls will be curious to see who the new girl is and if she keeps her door open for a few evenings and is approachable then she could easily make new friends.

I was very introverted when I first when to uni and sort of missed the boat with making friends because I stayed in my room and shut myself away. I moved uni’s in my second year for a fresh start and my mother made me put a sign on my door with my name saying ‘come and say hi!’ and told me to keep my door open. It was so cringe but I did it (drank a couple of glasses of vino) and sure enough people swung by and soon my room was full! I ended up living with most of the girls I met that first day in my third year.

[sashh]

I've known a couple of people change halls, all seemed to be happier after the move.

[viques]

I think she ought to go down the clubs/societies route first, or volunteering at the students union in some way before she moves halls. She also needs to remember that lots of people who look as though they are having a ball are just as shy and anxious as she is, especially the new students, she has the advantage of being in her second year of university and living away from home.