Guest post: 'Can’t get your kids off their screens? It’s not your fault. So, let’s place the blame where it really lies.'

[NicolaDMumsnet]

Do we all just accept that arguments about screen time are part of family life? How much do we question why we and our kids are so addicted to social media - or do we all just fall into the trap of blaming our own failings as parents?  

Big Tech platforms make $bns from social media and yet there is precious little regulation that holds them to account. Over the next two weeks the UK government will be considering new laws to help protect children when they spend time online. If you would like an end to the constant worry about your children/grandchildren online please sign this new petition now to demand our PM takes this opportunity to force big tech to design social media platforms with children’s safety and wellbeing at their heart. And, whilst we wait for the regulation to catch up we need your help - please read on and share your biggest family screen battles to shape a new “game” from charity Global Action

Screentime battles: I’m a mother of two and also the CEO of a charity working on online harm. And yet, despite being pretty savvy on this stuff now, I - like millions of other parents - am still gut-wrenchingly worried as to how to protect my kids from online harm.  

With my DD only 5, thankfully current battles are limited to “exactly how much” is too much screen time, but I see the issues creeping in. Left alone with a tablet for 5 seconds she has found her favourite Youtuber – a grown adult playing backing vocals for a real life cat named “Big Billy” (!). All the while adverts and recommendations stream down the side and below asking her to click, to engage. My immediate urge is to ban it all, but the reading books from school are all online so that’s not an option. How do I even start to protect her? But that is the problem – our reaction as parents, whatever the age of our children, is to assume it’s our job to protect them.

It’s not your fault, it’s not your kids’ fault: We are made to feel like bad parents – for giving in and buying them phones. We should have held out longer, been stronger; blaming ourselves for not setting firm screen time boundaries or failing to be a role model – “sorry what did you say dear” quickly closes Instagram. Or worse, we blame our children - as if – unlike us - they should miraculously have the self-restraint to ignore the blinking lights of notifications, or not be bothered by the number of likes their photo gets, or doesn’t… 

Changing the blame: Of course, there are things we can do as parents, but crucially, we must stop blaming ourselves and start holding those really responsible to account. £billions have gone into making these apps addictive, there’s no wonder we can’t put devices down. Algorithms are fine tuned to detect the slightest hesitation and serve us related content we didn’t ask to see. It may not be not our fault, but these platforms are here to stay so they can and must be changed. 

What can we do?
In the UK for the first time, we have a major chance to get some rules through that would force a pretty significant change, we must grab it and NOT scroll past.  As part of the Online Safety Bill, experts have come up with a set of rules – called the safety-by-design rules. Rules that would force companies like Meta to design social media differently. They would have to stop their algorithms tracking and putting un-asked for content in front of young people. They would have to prioritise safety over ‘engagement’ – the total opposite of how things currently are. We need as many parents as possible to sign this new petition calling for our leaders to put these rules into law.

Please do it now – the bill is at a critical stage in Parliament – we have two weeks to make as much noise as we can so share the link by email or through your parent WhatsApp groups.

Signed it, now what can I do to protect my children? 
So where do we start? A full on device ban? Although tempting, this will at best - make you public enemy number one and they’ll probably get a back-up device for their room anyway. At worst making heavily reliant teens go social media cold turkey can have really dangerous consequences – psychologists now actively caution against this.  

Most online safety sites will tell you the best thing to do is to sit down together, put aside devices and judgement and have a nice family conversation about how screens are affecting you and then building a solution in harmony together. Simple… if you are a tech expert and a counsellor. My friend tried this and actually had a tablet thrown at her by her favourite, sorry, calmest child. 

Joking aside, this is the advice all experts agree on and so we want to help families with how to do this. How to have a non-finger pointy, non-patronising family conversation about social media and devices. How to agree some family ground rules to keep everyone safe and not isolate teens from their peers.  

To do this we are working with psychologists to create a game that: (1) exposes the most devious and dangerous tactics used by apps to keep you hooked (2) gives real-life scenarios of online harms that families can look at together and agree actions they’ll take to avoid each scenario, sharing responsibility between both teens and parents to uphold. 

This is where you come in.  
To help create the game, we would like to hear about your biggest family argument/battle about social media or screens – have you had a special occasion disrupted, family dinners ruined, was a family film aborted, did you have a teenager (or a spouse) throw a device at you? And did you try anything differently afterwards as a result – successfully or not? 

Please add your thoughts and experiences in the comments – a few of us will try to answer any specific Qs you have and you can also join our parent’s movement here to be kept up to date on latest tips and resources for parents and be the first to trial the game for free with your family.


Twitter: @globalactplan
Website: https://www.globalactionplan.org.uk/home

[philo1]

'Can’t get your kids off their screens? It’s not your fault. So, let’s place the blame where it really lies.'
The answer is obvious, IT IS YOUR FAULT. You gave them the screens, all the screens have parental controls in them so you can stop them seeing things you don't want them to see, you can block social media which is destroying minds. Its your problem not government. Do your job as parents and stop blaming everyone else.

[SD1978]

Sorry, I have to agree with @philo1 - you're removing all parental and personal responsibility with what you're saying, and yet it is and should be up to parents. And the game.....is that an app as well, to tell you how apps are bad? Accountability should be taught, not just saying that it's the companies fault for designing things that look good and suck you in.....could say the same about drugs, alcohol, the fitspo industry, but ultimately you make the choice

[philo1]

SD1978
Thanks for agreeing. These days parents refuse to be responsible for their children, this is what we must put right. I have a niece whose 12 year old son was found to be seeing porn online.What action did she take? She told her son not to do it again. That was it. Still no parental controls used on his various screens that were handed to him with no acceptance that she was to blame if he used it badly.PARENTS WAKE UP AND DO YOUR JOB.

[skyeisthelimit]

We don't have battles or family events ruined as I am the parent and what I say goes. If they were to ruin a family event by sulking over a screen then it would be removed permanently.

I agree completely with PP that IS the parents fault. There are parents who just won't say no to their kids, parents who give in for a quiet life rather than parent, and parents who just want to do their own thing without being disturbed. Parents who let their DC spend hours on their phone/tablet just to shut them up.

Parents can and should tell their DC to put the phone down at mealtimes, and to fully engage.

If my child threw their tablet at me then they would have had it removed from them permanently.

I know of kids who have smashed screens in anger when they are losing a game, and just had them replaced without a thought.

Parents need to say no, parents need to say get off your phone. It's no good saying well this is what teenagers do now, they do it because their parents let them.

Kids can't be addicted when the game/table/phone is taken away from them. They can't game all night when the wifi is turned off.

If kids brains can't regulate themselves, then the parents need to do it for them, no excuses.

[Gemcat1]

There used to be an AOL protection for children where they were monitored to protect them. Later, there was software to block sites that children go on but that was too clumsy. We allowed our children a period of time and checked on them while online. Later, we checked their history. There also educational games that we played with them especially ones that helped with their fine motor skills. Now, children of two have their own phone to keep them quiet while Mum does xyz. That is lazy and selfish parenting. Children should have normal toys and be taken out to play while the weather is suitable. They should also have books to read and be read to. My sons favourite memory is my mother reading Winnie the Pooh to them when they were ill.

[NPGAP]

Hi - I work at GAP with Sonja (who wrote the blog post) - thanks for your posts so far - Sounds like you guys have all implemented successful strategies in controlling tech with you families - be great to hear some tips on how you did that?

Would be great to hear because although you sound like you are managing it really well - loads of families are really struggling with this which is why we are creating this game to help aid what can be a very tricky conversation - especially with teenagers! So please do share tips on having these conversations or controlling social media use.

We are keen to here from others who haven't found it so easy to manage - honestly no judgement from us, we know most families are struggling with this issue!

[cemetery]

Simple issue: don't give your kids iPads.

My kids will not have any kind of internet access at home.