Guest post: “I had 45 stitches inside and 35 outside by the time they were finished.”

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

My daughter is 11 and motherhood has been an amazing learning curve with many highs and many lows. I wouldn’t change that for a thing. I would change how she was born though, because even this many years later, I am left with mental and physical scars.

When my waters broke at 38 weeks I was being monitored for pre-eclampsia due to high blood pressure. I was admitted to a ward and told “it will be a while before you deliver this baby, we will keep an eye on you” and my husband was sent home.

In fact, it wasn’t long before I was having painful contractions every ten minutes or so. I called my husband to come back, despite the midwives insisting that I wasn’t really in labour. I was eventually moved into a labour room and examined - and yes, I was in labour and my blood pressure was rising.

I had an epidural and this, combined with medication for my blood pressure and to keep me hydrated, helped to calm things down. I could see I was having contractions on the monitor, but I could feel nothing. I slept and dozed for about seven hours.

When the contractions on the monitor became much more frequent, the doctor decided that it may be time for me to start pushing. I couldn’t feel to push, so the midwife would watch the machine, and then tell me what to do when a contraction came. I had no pain, but I also had no control.

An hour or so later, I started to make a huge effort to push, but something didn’t feel right. They told me to keep pushing so I did. Then I was told to stop. I tried, but at this point, all I felt was this massive desire to push and with what felt like a wave, the baby started to come out. She was face up and her arm was up by her face. As she came out, she basically ripped me open because of her arm position and the speed at which she came out.

She was fine.

However, a blood vessel inside my vagina had been lacerated as she was delivered and I had what was an almost 4th degree tear from front to back. There was a lot of blood and the placenta was not delivered. The epidural seemed to have stopped working.

My baby was taken from me and handed to my husband as I was whisked down the corridor and into theatre. One of the doctors explained that I was losing a lot of blood from the damaged blood vessel and despite medication, my placenta wasn’t coming out. I was given a full nerve block, so I was numb to the neck, and a very kind surgeon appeared and started to work on my ravaged nether regions and stubborn placenta. They extracted that manually. I could feel someone rummaging around, and it was unpleasant and horribly intrusive. They finally dealt with the placenta and then the bleeding vessel, then they repaired my perineal tear. I had 45 stitches inside and 35 outside by the time they were finished. It took three hours.

I was wheeled into recovery to an ashen faced husband, who had literally been left holding the baby.

I spent two days and nights heavily medicated, on morphine, unable to walk, a catheter placed because I couldn’t go to the toilet, and had a blood transfusion to replace the blood I had lost. I struggled to feed the baby, and had to call for help a lot, to feed and change and hold her.

I was sent home three days later, virtually unable to walk with pain, and unable to sit or lie comfortably. I was also utterly traumatised, emotionally, and the beginnings of the anxiety and post partum depression with which I would later be diagnosed were starting to surface.

It took 18 months for my physical wounds to heal. My mental health was in pieces. It hurt to sit, it hurt to pee, it hurt to try and poo. I spent six months taking laxatives so that I could at least go to the toilet without agony. I struggled with urinary continence and my self confidence was shattered. I had to see a specialist gynaecological physiotherapist to help to heal and retrain my body after the damage.

In all of this, not one person asked me how I felt emotionally.

What I went through tore me apart, physically and emotionally, and I don’t feel that anyone acknowledged that what happened had damaged me mentally.

Eleven years on, I still have physical scars and some lingering issues. I also have flashbacks and I remember the pain, still. What should be filled with happy memories and moments of joy, is instead a space filled with pain, and lingering fear and memories of people digging inside me and being sewn up whilst music from a Queen album played in the background.

I can’t change what happened, but I would change the way a traumatic birth is handled afterwards and I don’t think anyone should be allowed to tell a women that she “has a healthy baby and didn’t die” and expect them to just soldier on. There is an attitude that women should just put up with the damage and trauma that happens to them during birth, and to me that’s wrong. Yes, I am grateful I am alive, yes I am grateful I have my beautiful daughter, but birth trauma is real, and it happens and it’s not just about a few stitches and some pain relief and then getting on with life. It’s more than that. It damages women and I am convinced it contributes to why many of us struggle with our mental health and relationships after the physical wounds have healed. I was offered no support, no counselling, no comfort, and no recognition that giving birth almost broke me. No woman should have to deal with that.

[Tattybogle89]

@Billydessert
“It was being looked at like a time waster”

I felt like this too. When I called for help with something it was as if they were too rushed off their feet and I was in the way.
I had never had a catheter before and I noticed the bag was huge and asked a midwife if it had to be changed?
And she went away to get something and over an hour before she came back, and I had to ask again as there was no space in the bag.
She emptied it into a dish without talking to me at all and said, “ you know you can empty this yourself over the toilet don’t you?”

Urm no.. I don’t have a clue how to do that and no one had ever told me so how would i know?
But I just sat in silence

[Myownwendyhouse]

My midwifes just didn't care. They really didn't. No pain relief after stitches. Shoved home when I really needed help. I told them I felt lots pressure down there after and was told it was normal. No it was not normal turns out I had a prolapse. But because they told me it was normal I lived with the pain for weeks. They didn't even check me or my stitches before I left.

The midwives were in different. No one answered a question I had. I had awful pnd for a long time after. And I am still now 14 years later living with the after math of it.

I have said it before. Having a baby is scary and horrible. And I had no idea what to expect. Midwives seem to just think that ladies like me are trouble makers. And over exaggerating. They forget how scared we are. They see it everyday but we don't. They need to remember that.

[UnderTheSea1]

At my birth debrief the specialist midwife told me ‘what you need to do now is focus on enjoying this baby’. She totally minimised the whole birth story ‘oh there was a little dip in baby’s heartbeat’ (It was a bradycardia and classes as a cat1 emergency - I’ve got the notes now to prove it). She couldn’t answer any of my questions about why certain things had happened. She showed no interest in trying to find out for me. It just seemed like she wanted me to stop wasting her time with this birth debrief and go home and get on with it....and I repeat this was the specialist midwife who performed the birth debrief....what hope is there of good care if even the specialists have this attitude. I actually felt worse after the debrief!

[UnderTheSea1]

Oh yes and when I got my notes. During my postnatal care id collapsed with severe abdominal pain. Literally couldn’t move for hours. It was written up in the notes as ‘UnderTheSea has some tummy pain’. How patronising and ignoring is that?! Like I’m a small over dramatic child with ‘tummy’ ache. I’d just had major surgery, I literally could not move or even lie properly, it was totally not normal and it took hours to get any pain relief or see a dr...no wonder really given the midwife’s attitude. Disgusting and dangerous!

[Hypermice]

My blood loss was recorded amazingly accurately - 1999ml - 1ml under the point I’d have need a transfusion. Amazing eh! Just think, 1ml more and they’d have had to take some action.
I collapsed repeatedly every time I tried to stand up afterwards. But nothing to see here, your blood loss is within range and you are FINE! (the floor looked like an abbatoir.)

[loopylass13]

My birth experience is quite different, I was drugged up and felt hardly anything during the actual labour. But whilst I was having contractions every minute, the midwife insisted on examining me internally otherwise I would be allowed no pain relief. The exam felt like she put a knife in me and that emotionally I felt assaulted. I cried about that for MONTHs after wards. Even now it gets me emotional. And yet it was just standard, nothing out of the ordinary. But I felt violated!!!

[sunshinestorm]

@loopylass13 I think all midwives should be trained on how to approach internal examinations in a way that puts patient consent first and makes sure that the woman is fully in control. They're so invasive and I also found having one at the height of contraction (something I don't think they should do as it's agony) really traumatic and didn't feel like I'd given proper consent.

I don't understand the whole 'Oh you have to have a strangers fingers up your vagina or you're not ALLOWED any pain relief when you're clearly in agony' attitude either. Surely other signs can help assess a woman is in labour? I know many women are happy to oblige but I imagine it feels violating to some. And, really, if a woman is saying she is in a good deal of pain and needs pain relief then she should be given it.

[ssd]

I wrote upthread about my problems after my 2nd labour. I forgot the bit where the midwife said to me, as I lay in bed trying to recover after birth and with the epidural still numbing me ," cant you be bothered changing him"?...I literally couldnt move my legs

and before the first birth, when I'd had the pessaries to induce labour 3 times and I still isn't dilating, but was in agony, after lying in bed for 30 hrs being monitored, I asked if I could have a bath as my back
felt broken, the 2 midwives chatting at the desk said "yeah its down the corridor", I limped down and the bath had blood streaks all over it from someone else, I limped back and said "sorry but the bath is dirty", they said "oh the bleach is under the sink" and carried on with their conversation...I limped back to bed and cried and no one noticed or said a word.

[Rachyabbadabbadoo]

In my humble opinion I believe that once labour has exceeded 18 hours a caesarean should be offered. The chances of having the energy to push a baby out after that long with no rest seem greatly diminished. Anything to get away from that barbaric medieval tool - forceps.

[mummyG2C]

I am currently just under 5 weeks out from my second birth. My first being a grade 2 emergency c section for undiagnosed breech, that being said I did not find it traumatic and was very calm but the care afterwards was horrendous two nights in hospital almost broke me, by night two hobbling up to the midwives charting at the desk at 2am with a screaming baby I couldn't feed feeing utterly alone and broken as a first time Mum and being told when asking for help yeah babies cry get on with it! I was terrified this time round of having to stay in and pushed for a VBAC even after having to start an induction process at 37 weeks and when waters were broken at 38 weeks after 4hours of hyper stimulated excruciating labour being left with just a student midwife before I asked for an actual midwife and some serious pain relief it was picked up babies heart rate was dropping out ever few mins with contractions rulting in emergency cords being pulled, lots of people in the room and suddenly being whisked away for a Cat 1 emergency section under general, baby was resuscitated and is now fine (currently sleeping on my chest) however I then suffered a uterine rupture lost over 2 litres of blood (luckily as grade 1 I was knocked out from the start) I woke up in normal recovery with no baby, no husband that was terrifying and so so painful, much worse than previous section I think due to rupture. Ultimately I look at it and say I am fine, baby is fine I should be grateful but I don't think I have even been able to really process the trauma of this birth quite yet!

However the next day the consultants came and explained everything and debriefed me and offered me an apt at 6 weeks to come back and really talk about it all and what happened, the midwives and health visitors have all offered support and counselling regarding the trauma post birth (and this is a small district hospital with limited funding) they also spoke to me about the meeting they were having afterwards to discuss what happened and went wrong to end in a Cat1 section and they said they would ensure they learnt from any mistakes. I have given birth in the same hospital two years apart but postnatally the support has been 100x better with my recent birth compared to the first. I don't know if this is due to progress in post natal care in the last few years or if it was because it was deemed a very traumatic birth and situation compared to my first but I really hope it is a sign things are improving for women and the trauma of birth that often occurs!

[Littleredboat]

I’ve had 2 c/secs, the first being an EMCS with a haemorrhage and transfusion. My care up to the point of delivery was great but I was left alone in a corridor to the side of recovery for hours without even a sip of water. That turned out to be the Hilton compared to the ward afterwards, which was awful. Overcrowded, understaffed and filthy and the midwives were horrid. So rude and hard faced. In any other customer facing type job they’d have been fired.

[cafenoirbiscuit]

My DM had a similar experience. Needless to say, she didn't feel able to go through it again, and I'm an only. It had long-ranging repercussions on her relationship with my DF. It's affected all 3 of us, in our own ways. Hugs to all of you out there who've experienced similar.

[SomethingBeautiful]

Some people have mentioned the impact to relationships with their partner. I think thats something that’s completely overlooked on all levels. At one stage I realised that something was seriously wrong and I couldn’t get the midwife to listen. DH trusted the midwife and didnt have the confidence to argue with her. I was right. The baby would not have survived had I not been able to kick up a massive fuss and get a dr in the room. It caused a big rift in our relationship. I understood logically what had happened but emotionally I knew our child was dying and my DH didn’t help. Imagine the impact on the realtionship. I also think that DH experienced some trauma too through watching it all unfold. Also it’s just hard to focus on your relationship if you are dealing with trauma or postnatal issues etc. So theres an impact to the partners and the relationship too.

Maybe there should be more support for partners and the couple dealing with trauma, as well as the mother.

[Thegreatestshowwomen]

I blamed DH for a long time afterwards for not doing anything to help me. In hindsight he couldn’t though I do think he placed to much trust in the midwifes rather then listening to his wife. We very nearly split over it

[fia101]

So sorry for what you and others on this post went through.

I remember giving birth either dd1 after being induced baby was in distress with cord round neck and I was rushed for emergency c section (ended up forceps).

I was terrified and in excruciating pain. I didn't know what was going on.

The midwife simply told me to stop screaming as it was hurting my throat and wasn't aiding my pain relief.

WFT - yes now is the time to teach me how to scream and deal with pain relief - in theatre when I'm in labour terrified.

Not only was my baby left in distress for too long I felt like a cow giving birth to a calf and was made to feel stupid and a drama queen never mind the stitches.

I knew I wouldn't let this happen again with dd2.

[rupertpenryswife]

I can't believe these experiences, I can't believe that our NHS feels this type of care is ok, I had tears in my eyes reading what you have all been through. It seems like childbirth is considered prescriptive and all people experience the same types of labour or that's how the midwives view labour and birth.

I was extremely lucky, first time around I was told I couldn't be in labour as I was not in enough pain (I was 7 cm) then during labour I knew something was wrong and kept asking to see a Dr I was aware that the baby was not moving down at all, in the end my DH intervened and spoke up for me, when the DR finally arrived he recognised me as I'm a nurse! and said I could keep pushing but as a betting man I would be better going for a c-section. When my DD was finally born all was well but the aftercare was horrible, however this I can deal with what some of the posters have gone through sounds barbaric, with far reaching mental health impacts.

For the record I opted for an elective c-section second time as I felt I would have control, I also left hospital less than 24 hours later as the thought of staying longer with the awful aftercare from last time was too much to bare.

[BojanaMumsnet]

Hi,

Thanks everyone for reading this and for posting - and thanks for sharing your experiences. Please have a look here where RowanMumsnet's summarised our thoughts about the campaign and potential action points. We'd love to hear your feedback.

Esker and endofthelinefinally thanks for your suggestions, we will certainly be reaching out to the Royal Colleges.

MNHQ

[TinaTop]

Imo at least part of birth trauma is related to how women feel about the level of care they received. Hospitals can't control what happens during birth and what treatment women need, but they can control the care they provide. Women will have a much more positive outlook if they feel respected, supported, listened to and well looked after to the best of the hospital's ability.

My labour was not the drug-free natural water birth I wanted - I was rushed in for EMCS. It was still a positive experience because the staff were polite and helpful and I was clearly informed of what was happening. I was covered with a modesty sheet during examinations and they asked for consent before touching me. The midwife brought me Lucozade to keep my strength up and made DH a sandwich. The surgeon introduced herself and promised my baby and I would both be fine and she'd "make it neat" so the scar wouldn't even be visible in a bikini. The nurse held my hand and took a photo of me holding the baby. Another midwife brought me a cup of tea in the recovery ward. Little things that ultimately didn't affect the outcome but helped so much in terms of making me feel calm, safe and cared for. (Post natal care could have been improved but that's another story!)

[colouringinagain]

Ah that's good to hear a positive story about your labour Tina

[Izubela]

I am horrified to read this!I can’t believe what you went through!But it is like you say they just expect us to soldier on no matter what!I had reduced movement with my girl and a horrible midwife in the antenatal care kept being rude and telling me that oh I must love it in the hospital since I am always here, and she obviously thought I was lying!She did made it very clear she couldn’t care less and that she didn’t believe me!After birth I was dumped in the postnatal ward , no one empty my thingy for pee so I had to go in the middle of the night in pain to toilet to
Do it!No one gives a fuck for you or the baby once you have them !Honestly !!!

[ActuallyMummy]

I had exactly this Karen, minus the first epidural. My husband was left for 2 hours with our daughter while I was in surgery, and it wasn't until a week later when I was convinced I had an awful infection because of the lumps I could feel, that my home midwife told me I had about 9 metres of stitches inside me. She cut them out and thankfully things got better, but I ended up 10 years later having a reconstruction to fix all sorts of prolapses. I always assumed it was just the luck of the draw, but I do wonder if it could have been different.

[CorporateToKids]

Thank you for being so honest about your experience and I truly feel for you. What a awful experience and I completely understand your pain. I don't think anyone knows the trauma birth can cause unless they've been through a terrible one, and when you are pregnant you do not expect that flashbacks will be part of post birth life.