Guest post: "When you have an abusive partner, Christmas is a nightmare"

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Let's get something straight right from the start. Domestic abuse is awful all the time, not just at Christmas.

But the festive season does bring its own set of issues if you have an abusive partner.

You will be spending more time with him as you'll both be off work. If you have children, they will also be at home - and kids are notoriously unreliable for maintaining calm at all costs.

You may have to spend time with relatives - but he doesn't want you seeing your family. And the alcohol will be an ever-present threat; you're trying not to focus on how many drinks he's had, but it's difficult because you know you'll probably pay later.

All of this adds up to a nightmare scenario for the survivor who is trying to keep everything together to make sure he doesn't lose his temper.

"Keep it all running smoothly": that used to be my mantra. Try to anticipate any problem before it arose. But that's impossible because he wants to lose his temper; you're fighting a losing battle. And at Christmas, you're even more under the microscope – because he's there all the time.

Where are you in all of this? Nowhere, is the simple answer. You're so busy pre-empting problems, you're exhausted. You wouldn't mind a drink, but it's too risky. Going out with friends or having friends over isn't safe. A sparkly Christmas dress is off-limits, because if you dress up you're trying to attract another man. Don't think you can go out on your own either, so you will have to come up with an excuse for not attending the work Christmas party. If you decide to go regardless, he'll give you hell – and you won't enjoy it anyway, as he'll text and call you incessantly and invent problems with the children to make you feel guilty.

Guilt is a looming shadow at Christmas. You want to make it nice, but you never seem to do a good enough job. There's always an argument that the kids might hear, tension in the air that makes your friends and relatives uncomfortable. On top of that, you push his buttons. But it is your fault, so it's no wonder you feel guilty - right?

Wrong.

I always felt guilty. Guilty for putting my kids through it, guilty for never keeping it all together. It was only later that I realised that the guilt I was carrying wasn't mine to bear. This was HIS fault. All of it, every single little bit. The tears I cried were created by him, his actions and his desire to completely control me until there was no ME left.

To all the women out there who are scared of Christmas, I want to put my arms around you and tell you there will be a Christmas where you can relax. Where you can laugh and have a glass of wine while playing some ridiculous game. Where your kids will laugh.

But this will only happen when he is not in your life. He won't change, he doesn't want to - believing otherwise is just a way of momentarily giving yourself a break. I get that though. For years I couldn't see a way out. I just carried on day by day, Christmas by Christmas, trying to keep it running smoothly.

Imagining a life without him in it seemed impossible - he'd made sure of that. I was scared for my life and couldn't see how I could solve it all. The best advice I can give you, if that's you, is to take it in tiny steps. Don't try to solve it all at once. Make a start. Pick up the phone and call a local domestic abuse service or the National Domestic Violence Helpline.

That first phone call is all you need to think about for now. I have great faith in the women like me working in refuges, helplines, outreach services. We'll help you: trust in the process.

Without wanting to sound cheesy, let us help you find a Christmas miracle. It can happen. I'll be sitting by my tree this year thinking about you, and knowing you can do it.

[skyyequake]

The Freedom Programme

For anyone that needs it. Also Women's Aid or any domestic abuse charity/organisation should be able to give you details about groups near you.

[Chocolatesmudges]

Thank you for your reply bibliomania...I am working my way through the freedom programme online after reading your post.hope it will help me come to terms with the fact that this is a dead relationship that will never bring me happiness.

[Chocolatesmudges]

Thank you skyyequake