Guest post: "Birth changes your body - and the way you see it - forever"

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

It was the kangaroo pouch that took me by surprise: the extraordinarily saggy space left by my hour-old baby son. I was in the shower, trying to process the cataclysmic event that had just taken place and felt the crepey, heavy, tired, droopy rucksack where my strong stomach used to be. “Christ alive,” I thought, “Nobody told me about that…will it ever go back?”

Perhaps, for you, it was the toll taken on your precious lady-parts; the way your hair fell out in clumps once you finished breastfeeding; the stretch marks striating your thighs; or downsizing your bras to accommodate the not-quite-so-perky boobs. Whatever changes pregnancy and birth wrought on your body, the chances are, it – and the way you see it – has never been the same again.

For some, the ravages of the journey can be difficult to accept, especially at a time when you feel guilty for contemplating anything other than the wellbeing of your offspring. You might briefly wonder whether you’ll ever look hot in heels again - only to feel bad for indulging in such narcissism when your baby needs you. We women are very hard on ourselves. For others, the early weeks pass in a haze of doubt, bliss or shock, and the last thing on your mind is when you might get back into your skinny jeans. As with every stage of pregnancy, birth and motherhood, we are all different and there is no right or wrong way to relate to your post-partum body.

But we are united by a greater understanding of our physicality in a way that men will never understand. They will never know how weird it is to find your feet grow in pregnancy and never shrink back, or to go through drawer-fulls of bras when your rib cage expands by several inches, only to narrow a year later. Without being blessed by the effects of pregnancy hormone relaxin, men won’t feel their hips and pelvis widen. In a particularly misogynistic practice, some cultures tightly bind women’s hips for the first eight weeks after birth in order to render wives ‘slender’ once again. In the US, there’s a growing trend for pricey elasticated belts that mimic this scientifically-dubious technique.

It’s no coincidence that such products are popular at a time when celebrities and picture editors conspire to dictate what we ‘should’ be aspiring to. As soon as the celebrity baby arrives, mum is papped ‘stepping out’ in tight trousers and wedge heels. Yes, some are genetically blessed (I have never gazed at a picture with more intense fascination than that of model Abbey Clancey in a bikini 10 weeks after giving birth – to her second child). But most are completely knackered behind the sunglasses; holding in their stomachs so tight that they may pass out and worried their pelvic floor won’t hold up in front of the paparazzi. Those whose appearance is their living may have been in the gym since week two post-delivery, shunning cake and coffee for sushi and green juice. But don’t envy them – feel a tad sorry that they aren’t able to feast on carrot cake and lattes at 10am for a few months at least.

One of the many wisdoms of becoming a mother is reflecting on the absurdity of the ‘body issues’ of our youth. How crazy that we agonised about whether our boobs were too big or too small to pull that boy we fancied, when they now sustain and soothe a screaming baby. How funny that we worried about whether our bums were too big when the real love of our lives is a giggling two-year-old who couldn’t care less.

And yet, of course, no teenage girl will believe these truths until she too is a mother - and even then, this knowledge can be difficult to cling onto when we wistfully remember the bodies of our youth. What we can hope for is to feel ‘happy enough’ in our skin to get dressed and undressed each day without sorrow and regret. And to recognise that whatever bits are flappier, flabbier or frumpier, they all contributed in their own way to doing something amazing.

[nannybeach]

Why would anyone expect that an hour after giving birth, your belly would snap back into pre-pregnancy shape, er, the skin has stretched. There is a lot you can do for yourself, if you dont like your shape, either pre- or post pregnancy. Depends on how much you want it. I had 4 kids, know a lot of women who said having babies made them fat. I never wore maternity clothes, they were revolting especially when I had my first 2. I am sitting here in my size 10 skinny jeans.

[Batteriesallgone]

Is the OP not coming back because this has bombed?

[EvieSparkles0x]

I've seen a few posts where I thought people were being really unnecessarily bitchy, but reading the comments I don't actually think the comments are out of order. I don't agree with the article either and really I feel like it's very negative towards body image and isn't realistic. I certainly don't feel I've settled for second best in myself because I've given birth. And I'm not just s mother, I'm still a young woman and while my daughter may be the most important person to me, she's certainly not the only one that matters.

For me, I took that the OP felt all of us have to settle for not being good enough as a woman but oh well, at least you're a mum... Which I think is a very negative and unempowering (real word??) message to send, and I'm not surprised lots of women disagree.

I'm amazed at the fact that I carried a child (and might be carrying another one already!) The only thing I struggled with was feeling I'd lost myself a bit, only to later realise that I could be "me," and still be a mother, but it took a while to realise. I feel like this article preaches the exact opposite of that.

[JessCook]

Absolutely agree with CoteDAzur and other posters who say that you don't have to accept your post-baby body. If you're happy great, but if you're not do something about it. Have had two kids and lost all control of my pelvic floor after my second, working hard on physio for that. In the first months after birth I found it helpful to try not to say the words (when presented with a massive slice of cake or plate of biscuits) "sod it, I'm breastfeeding" or "@**@ it I've just had a baby". (Although obviously still indulged a lot!). The most important thing is to get off the sofa and get moving. Running keeps me relatively slim, sane and gives me time away from my kids. Get started with a couch to 5k and you won't look back, I promise.

[Thefitfatty]

Absolutely agree with CoteDAzur and other posters who say that you don't have to accept your post-baby body.

But you do have to accept that your body has changed. Even if you lose weight and get fit, many of us will still have changes to our bodies that aren't "fixable". My c-section over hang isn't going anywhere, neither are my stretch marks.

It's not just about being slim, assuming it's all about weight is trivializing the changes are bodies go through during pregnancy the same way the OP is trivializing our feelings about our changed bodies afterwards.

It's about major and permanent changes that we do have to learn to accept and to love so that we can have a happy relationship with our bodies.

I'm not laughing about my wider bum the way the OP seems to think I should be, but I am learning to love my new wider, stretched marked body while keeping it fit and healthy.

[Batteriesallgone]

No amount of running will 'fix' a damaged fanjo.

There is a middle ground here but that can only be achieved if you reject the fetishisation of young female bodies.

I don't want the body of a 20 year old. I want the body of a woman my age. Which has had children and is healthy and sexy. I want my body. I like my body.

Do we (me and DH) have sex in different positions post children due to scarring? Yes. Is my stomach different now? Yes. Do we reminisce? Of course. Do we want to change my body (or his)? Fuck no. We are happy.

[SoozeyHoozey]

You can lose weight and build some muscle tone but there's nothing you can do about saggy boobs, stretch marks, stretched skin, wrecked vaginas etc.