Guest post: "Violence against women and girls is rising - so why isn't SRE compulsory?"

[MumsnetGuestPosts]

My son is seven; he’s just entered Year Two and this year will receive Relationships and Sex Education (SRE) for the first time. It’s not a moment too soon, in my view. I want my son to grow up in a world where boys have respect for girls (and vice versa), where ‘slut’, ‘sket’ and ‘slag’ are historical curiosities, and where school corridors and playgrounds are places where girls are not in constant fear of having their bottoms pinched or breasts grabbed. Unfortunately, we still have a long way to go - - but early SRE as part of a broader package of measures could make a real difference.

When I wrote about this topic for Mumsnet almost two years ago, Jimmy Savile's life of sexual offending had recently been exposed, and the Rochdale and Rotherham child sexual exploitation cases were in the headlines.

Since then, it feels more urgent than ever that we tackle entrenched sexism and put a stop to abusive behaviour by boys and men before it starts. In the last two years, evidence of the sexual harassment and abuse that girls experience in schools – including rape – has been piling up. It emerged this year that just under a third of female rape victims are under 16. Further disturbing sexual exploitation cases in Rochdale and elsewhere have come to court and there are official inquiries into child sexual abuse in the family environment (where it is most commonly is perpetrated) and institutions. Campus rape is also under the spotlight.

We are starting to recognise the role our culture and media play in creating the backdrop against which violence happens. The impact of misogynistic and often racist pornography on children continues to be a driver for action and there is an inquiry underway on sexism in advertising. Abusive sexting and ’revenge porn’ are rarely out of the news, and female politicians from across the divide have joined forces to launch Reclaim the Internet to tackle social media abuse.

The national strategy on Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG) – with a clear aim of prevention - is now in its third incarnation. There have been international developments, too: the UK, along with other Nations, must now implement the UN’s Global Goals, with a specific target on girls’ safety.

These strategies are to be welcomed, but with violence against women and girls on the rise, it is baffling that there is no law requiring schools in England to teach children about sexual consent or respectful, non-abusive relationships.

Of course, SRE can be taught badly. Girls can be told they just need to say ‘no’ more clearly, or warned of the risks of taking naked pictures - rather than both girls and boys being taught about the importance of gaining consent. It’s important, then, that a new SRE law has the specific aim of tackling sexism and abuse. Children need to learn about sexism, gender stereotypes, respect and consensual, non-abusive behaviour.

Government guidance and school policies (for example on safeguarding, bullying, behaviour and equality) need to set out clearly how to address violence against girls, backed up with ongoing training for teachers and staff so that they are implemented. We need ongoing programmes and campaigns that seek to change harmful behaviour and attitudes. Ofsted has a woeful reputation in this area and needs to step up, too. Critically, schools need to work with, and fund, experts in specialist organisations such as Rape Crisis Centres and other women’s groups to deliver projects that tackle sexism and sexual consent, but also provide support to the girls and young women experiencing violence and abuse.

School isn’t the only place children absorb information and attitudes. We also need a consistent approach to tackling sexism across different parts of the media – whether in films, music videos or advertising. Maybe this all spells the need for a more joined up approach right across government to tackling sexism and discrimination against women and girls? Without this, we haven’t even begun the journey to the world I want my son to grow up in.

[meandthreehappyascanbe]

In complete agreement. A lack of education leads to problems. The more we are open and talk about these issues the better. My children are all under 7 and I talk to all of them about respecting other people and their bodies. If they ask a direct question about sex, where do babies come from. Etc, I tell them in an age appropriate response. That is truthful without being graphic. I talk about feelings and how nobody should physically or emotionally try to hurt someone, make them uncomfortable and to speak up if this happens to them. I don't see what a school could tell/teach a child that a child shouldn't hear. It goes through a long process to make sure it is age appropriate so why would people take their children out. Being prudish or embarrassed about sex and the surrounding topics doesn't help anyone.

Education education education.

[ItsQueenieBitch]

What happened to letting kids just be kids
Now some safe space, trigger warning, advice expert thinks all kids should have compulsory lessons in gender stereotyping, sexual consent and respect?
What age does the government think this should begin? Having a 6 yr old DD who suffers greatly from anxiety makes me worry that we are simply pushing too much onto our kids too early! Why isnt SRE left up to parents to teach their kids? How do the government know what age appropriate is when all kids handle things differently?

[VestalVirgin]

Having a 6 yr old DD who suffers greatly from anxiety makes me worry that we are simply pushing too much onto our kids too early!

Sure. Gender stereotyping is forced onto girls even before they are born, see gender reveal parties. Then comes gendered toy advertising, female socialisation by teachers, et cetera.
However, you cannot really shelter your children from that unless you live somewhere in the woods and don't have a TV and also homeschool, in which case this SRE thing won't be a problem anyway.

For children who have to live in the sexist, patriarchal shithole that is society, I don't see how a watered-down, government-approved education programme could do any more damage than has already been done. At worst it is more of the same shite they're already being exposed to.

I hope you don't really suggest sheltering little boys from the grim reality that they have to, like, respect girls' boundaries.

[VestalVirgin]

What happened to letting kids just be kids

"Boys will be boys" becoming a synonym for sexist asshole behaviour and rape culture, perhaps?
If boys behave this way, then "letting kids be kids" needs to be crushed with a big hammer. Just saying. Little girls want to be kids, too, and to me, being a kid means to be happy, and NOT having to fight off boys.

[ItsQueenieBitch]

I teach both of my children to respect boundaries. My son and daughter. As their mother its my job. It just seems like another scheme designed to teach the children with feckless, lazy arsed parents what they should already be learning.

[ItsQueenieBitch]

I never said "boys will be boys" - I actually hate this saying and it seems to be dished out when someone tries to excuse their son for being violent or pushy.
Letting kids be kids is totally different. I mean let them be child like without having to worry about someones gender or stereotypes. Respect should be learnt and used towards everyone. Both boys and girls she be taught violence is wrong.

[sportinguista]

Good post. As someone who had SRE at 8 myself (my school was quite progressive for the time) I would say it is very much needed. It's a matter of understanding your own body without embarrassment and what healthy relationships look like. This can be done in age appropriate ways. My DS has already unfortunately repeated some stuff that has come from another child which sadly can only have come from exposure to porn (albeit soft core most likely) which I had to then deal with school over. He didn't know what he repeated meant at all fortunately.

Of course parents do play an important part both in modelling respectful and healthy relationships to their children but we all know not every child will see that. Parents should also ideally talk to their children too about the subject but not every parent will. There are also the parents that will withdraw their children from these lessons but will not teach them the necessary facts either, whether from embarrassment or religious reasons.

Knowing two women who have gone through violent marriages (both now happily out of them) I think this is now more than ever needed. As the mum of a boy I want him to live in a world where he can enjoy healthy relationships that do not rely on distorted views of women or what he himself 'should' be.

[ErrolTheDragon]

SRE does 'let kids be kids' - very different content at different ages.

[Felascloak]

I agree too. queenie whether or not schools teach your DD about sex some boys will be grabbing her bum/lifting her skirt in primary. Better for all of them to be taught this is not acceptable and why not (in the same way as teaching about bullying or racism) rather than leaving it as something boys feel they are entitled to do and girls feel ashamed to bring up.
I live on "Planet Feminist" and bring up my daughter accordingly, but recently found a boy had been repeatedly touching her bum and she didn't tell anyone because she thought the teachers wouldn't believe her because the boy is so well behaved in class.
Schools have to be cracking down on this if we have any chance of reducing some mens issues of entitlement to women.

[PitchFork]

Parents should be allowed to withdraw their children if they want

no they absolutely shouldn't.

[PitchFork]

"kids will be kids"

kids will continue to scare other kids with half truths on the playground. and tell other kids that the toothfairy really is daddy.

[Meeep]

No, stop stop, I don't want all this.
I don't want all this for my baby son, my baby daughter. I don't want hardcore porn in the playground at 8, 9. I don't want to know my little boy has seen choking and slapping and simulated anal rapes of girls -"barely legal" before he's even hit puberty or had any actual personal interest in having sex, because it's just something that happens now when they're still babies.
Just make it all go away. Thank you.

[blaeberry]

Is it that it should be compulsory for schools to teach SRE or for all children to be taught it (so no opportunity to pull children out of the lessons)?

I think it should be compulsory to be taught but I am less convinced about removing the opportunity for parents to opt out. How many children are removed from these lessons? What attitudes are those children being taught at home? It seems unlikely that parents conservative enough to remove their children will bring them up to think of girls as fair game/sex objects, Even if those children were being taught inappropriate attitudes, I think the numbers are so few that they don't really register on the real cause of problems with attitudes towards girls in society.

[VestalVirgin]

It seems unlikely that parents conservative enough to remove their children will bring them up to think of girls as fair game/sex objects

Whut? Are you, like, living in the real world?

Bringing their sons up to think of girls and women as non-human fucktoilets is exactly what conservatives do.
It is conservative parties that want to have marital rape legalised, and/or opposed it being made illegal in the first place.

Yeah, they want their sons to marry a girl before using her as fucktoilet, but the underlying sentiment is not so different from that of those who let their sons watch porn.

The only difference they have to those who openly admit to watching porn is between seeing women as private property of her fathers or husbands and seeing women as public property of all men.

[scallopsrgreat]

YY Buffy. Glosswitch does talk about how it could just be allowing misogyny at an acceptable level. Raising the bar so to speak but not tackling the root of the issue. manfrommanchester conveniently illustrating exactly what attitudes we are trying to tackle!

The whole consent argument/issues makes my teeth itch. The only reason it is a concept (legally or otherwise) is because men don't view women as fully functioning humans deserving of as much respect as them. That is what needs to be tackled.

[VestalVirgin]

The whole consent argument/issues makes my teeth itch. The only reason it is a concept (legally or otherwise) is because men don't view women as fully functioning humans deserving of as much respect as them. That is what needs to be tackled.

Agreed. This would have to permeate the whole curriculum, and it would also have the advantage of being impossible to opt out of.
I would like to see conservative parents trying to keep their children at home whenever famous women are mentioned in history lessons, whenever the children have to calculate how many potatoes a female farmer has to sell to make x amount of money, and when they read books by female authors and with female protagonists in English lessons.

[VestalVirgin]

If it just permeates the whole curriculum (but not adult life), doesn't it just have the effect of just inviting boys just to feel a bit shit about themselves though?

Well, yes, I suppose they would complain a lot about the "oppression" of not being prioritized over girls 24/7. But one has to start somewhere. And I have some hope that if it was done subtly enough, they wouldn't notice.

In any case, it would be more helpful than those consent lessons ... especially, as you mentioned, since such lessons might just equip them with the vocabulary they need to get away with rape.

[scallopsrgreat]

If it just permeates the whole curriculum (but not adult life), doesn't it just have the effect of just inviting boys just to feel a bit shit about themselves though?

I'm not really sure I'm understanding where you are coming from here. Why is the fact it may not permeate into the whole of adult life equate to boys just feeling a bit shit about themselves (and why is that an issue)? Surely if it doesn't permeate beyond school they aren't going to feel shit about themselves because the rest of society is upholding the fact that girls/women are 'lying sluts' and are objects for men's pleasure.

However, to be blunt, I'm not really that concerned about boys feeling a bit shit about themselves. They are more than happy at the moment for girls to feel shit about themselves. manfrommanchester demonstrates amply how men don't hand-wring about making women feel bad. They really don't. I agree as a long term solution - not great. But how boys feel about being told not to be a rapey little shit isn't top of my worry list. Plus I'm not really sure how we are going to effect change without hurting the feelings of men and boys.

I am with Vestal in that it is a start. School is an opportunity to communicate to massive numbers of young people. That message does nee to be right though.

[ErrolTheDragon]

Meeep - I wish we could just make it go away. We cant't do it by burying our heads in the sand though.

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

Aren't we talking to all children about the rights they have over their own bodies though? Not just girls?

Not in a 'what about the menz?' way but in a more 'won't somebody think of the children' way.

[VestalVirgin]

Aren't we talking to all children about the rights they have over their own bodies though? Not just girls?

Well, we certainly try to prevent sexual abuse of children by teaching all children that they have rights over their own bodies.

However, the culture that teaches boys the opposite of that is not very strong nowadays, "you have to obey every adult" is a thing of the past.

While girls are bombarded with the message that their bodies are not their own day after day. And will also probably not apply the "strange adults aren't allowed to touch you" lesson they got as toddlers to their boyfriend when he demands to penetrate their anus.

[scallopsrgreat]

I wasn't really thinking that we would approach primary aged children with the attitude that they are rapey little shits obviously! In fact my thoughts on that were from a position that of course they weren't like that at all and we don't want them to become like that. I do think (and I'm talking more about older boys) that society does not encourage them to think critically about their own behaviour in the same way that it teaches girls to think critically about their behaviour. And I don't mean critically as in criticise, necessarily (although girls are criticised routinely), I mean as in 'think about the impact of your actions'! So I was thinking more along the lines of presenting them with an alternative to being a rapey little shit! In fact a view that does not include girls and women existing to serve them and presenting that to them as the way forward i.e. encouraging good behaviour. And not using the words 'rapey little shit .

I'm still not seeing the connection between the rest of the world reinforcing men's current attitudes towards women and boys feeling bad about themselves when they are told those attitudes are bad by a section of society. I still think it just makes it easier for boys to ignore those messages from school and not feel bad about themselves at all.

how does one design a SRE curriculum that actually encourages boys to see women as human, while also attending to the possibility of several unintended consequences, which might encompass boys' appropriation of the language of consent as a coercive strategy, and without destroying their self concept by showing them quite how violent and destructive the excesses of masculinity that we see around us can be. And I think the latter is important, strategically and ethically.

I agree with most of that. But if their 'self concept' is damaging to girls and women then surely that needs to be destroyed - although I wouldn't use the word destroyed as that implies completely breaking them down. But the aim would be to reshape or rebuild their self concept. I also don't think that telling them that current attitudes towards women are unacceptable for valid x, y, z reasons would actually destroy their self concept. Given the amount of daily shit thrown at girls/women and their self-esteem and how they view themselves, very few are destroyed by it. Damaged yes, but the criticisms are far more often unwarranted and thrown by people who don't give a shit about their well-being. Schools and teachers generally do give a shit about their pupils well-being.

Given current society's stance on the feelings of men and boys are we realistically in danger of breaking boys spirits (if I understand that to be what you mean) by challenging prevailing attitudes? I am fairly confident that whatever approach is taken it will be softly softly. I would be far more worried about them co-opting the language around consent and using it against girls/women. We see it all the time on here.

We have to do something about telling boys that masculinity is destructive and damaging to at least half the population (more if you count how men turn on other men who don't fit their ideal of masculinity). Putting their feelings at the front of this isn't going to achieve that. There will always be excuses as to why we can't say something or "if only it was done this way" or "if only you were just a bit nicer" (my fave). Having said that - I agree that some thought about unintended consequences needs to happen. We see too often how progress in one area for women's rights produces a backlash in other areas e.g. sexual freedom = more prevalent and violent porn = expectation of permanent sexual availability

“I don’t believe rape is inevitable or natural. If I did, I would have no reason to be here. If I did, my political practice would be different than it is. Have you ever wondered why we [women] are not just in armed combat against you? It’s not because there’s a shortage of kitchen knives in this country. It is because we believe in your humanity, against all the evidence.”
― Andrea Dworkin

Maybe a starting point? But still a great quote.