Pink. Princesses. Patriarchy. As soon as I found out that I was expecting a girl, I worried about what life would have in store for her. But I don't recall any equivalent concern when I had my son three years earlier. Eight years down the line and it turns out that I do worry about what life holds for him.
"Boys do all right, they don't even need to be clever," a female friend once remarked to me. I am a proud feminist and readily agree that, generally, men do better than women when it comes to cash, careers and clout. But this ignores the pressure to 'act like a man' that boys and men face, to their detriment – and the detriment of girls and women.
It is assumed that boys will be more interested in tearing around rather than talking, making noise rather than nurturing, and competing rather than co-operating. Too often, they are seen as a 'problem'.
These sexist expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies. Boys are three times more likely to be excluded from school than girls and four times more likely to suffer from behavioural difficulties. Later in life, 95% of prisoners are men, as are 75% of suicides. Even problems such as eating disorders that in the past have been almost exclusively associated with girls are increasingly affecting boys too. Hollywood blockbusters and reality television promote a male physical ideal that is as unhealthy as the long-standing female equivalent. Often, girls bear the brunt of boys' fixation with power and domination. Sexual harassment in schools is an everyday occurrence: the problem is so severe that the Commons' Women and Equalities Committee has launched an inquiry.
As a parent, it's possible to feel helpless in the face of all this disturbing information. But in writing my book, Man Up, I came across inspiring mothers, fathers and others who are challenging male stereotypes, from local projects to national campaigns. Josh Lee set up Bristol Dads, to open up support networks for fathers like himself, and promote the role of dads as carers. As he explained to me, the smallest interactions with our children can make a difference: "If I push a buggy and change nappies then why shouldn't a little boy play at doing the same thing? What I'd like to see is positive action, like men playing with dolls with their sons." Parent campaigners such as Ros and James from @GenderDiary and the group Let Toys Be Toys are making canny use of consumer power and social media to hold to account those peddling sexist assumptions about both girls and boys.
Ros is nonetheless aware that we can't hold back the sexist tide from our children forever, particularly as their social circles open up at school. I found the observations of Judy Chu, a human biologist at Stanford University, particularly helpful here. Chu carried out a study of a group of boys as they progressed through the early years of school and found that they adapted their behaviour and attitudes to fit the dominant view of what boys should be. What's important, says Chu, is that: "At times when they are reluctant to speak up, they can still preserve their integrity by remaining aware of what they really think, feel or want … That said, we can also help kids to identify and focus their efforts on relationships in which they wouldn't have to chose between being themselves and being with others."
Of course, it's not just parents who can play a part in supporting boys. Most people, in one way or another, come into contact with boys. Everyone can help liberate boys from limiting social expectations, whether by encouraging them to talk about how they feel or refraining from making assumptions about their interests. This won't just make for happier boys, it will benefit others too. As Amy, a mother of sons, remarked to me, "My boys will be adults one day; they may have children of their own. I want them to feel free to live their lives as they would wish and to have the same respect for women as they do for men. I believe that the values we are instilling in them will make a difference."
Rebecca Asher is the author of MAN UP: Boys, Men and Breaking the Male Rules, priced £14.99 out on 5 May.
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Guest post: "The pressure for boys to 'man up' harms both sexes"
MumsnetGuestPosts · 05/05/2016 15:56
My husband & I have two young boys. I grew up in a family of girls (sister, female cousins etc) as did my own mother. My father was an only child with four female cousins!
So I had no real preconceived ideas about what having boys 'should' be like.
I love having boys (I'm sure I'd love having girls too!) but find gender stereotypes for young children a real issue. My eldest (3&half) is very articulate, and spoke well from a young age. He's bright, desperate to spend all day reading, obsessed with numbers & words, laughs himself silly about odd wordplay 
but not very confident & can be shy in large groups. These are apparently considered to be more 'girl' traits (the desire to learn, verbal dexterity etc, rather than the shyness). He also loves being outside & has loads of energy (needs a twice daily run around - rather like a dog!) but will probably not be one of 'the boys' haring round in a group shouting.
There seems to be an expectation that girls are good & intellectual but boys are loud, naughty and not intellectual.
It's difficult to get his preschool to understand that he genuinely enjoys sitting down learning ('like a girl would') and that he needs help with confidence to play in large groups.
I'm not surprised that boys aren't doing as well academically as they could be, when such stereotypes are around from so young.
I want to add that my aim is to raise two boys who are always kind and respectful to others - as I would if I had girls. I feel like that covers all bases!
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