OK, first things first, what is polyamory? The word means “many loves”, and is used to describe people who choose to have more than one romantic commitment where everyone involved is aware of the situation. Polyamory isn’t common - it’s hard to get accurate estimates, but probably around 5% of the population are in some kind of consensually non-monogamous relationship (which is an umbrella term that also includes swinging and open relationships).
There is a lot of stigma and misunderstanding surrounding polyamory - which is why we are writing anonymously. In the research I conducted, I collected data from 325 participants on this very issue. Despite reading exactly the same descriptions of couples, with the only variation being their relationship style, people thought that polyamorous people were less trustworthy, less intelligent and were less satisfied with their relationships overall compared to monogamous people.
For people used to the ‘norm’ (in this culture anyway) of monogamy, the concept of having more than one love can seem very strange – but as Polly Oliver (one of my polyamorous participants, and not her real name) explained, it’s like having more than one child - just as you can love multiple children, so you can love more than one romantic partner. She says: I was once asked ‘why isn’t he enough for you?’ For me, that question doesn’t really make sense – it’s like saying ‘you have enough friends, why do you need to talk to anyone else?’ or ‘haven’t you read enough books now?’”
Polly says the biggest negative about her relationship is “other people’s misunderstandings and misconceptions. The saddest reaction I have is when people think I’m harming myself or my partners, because firstly, there’s nothing I work harder to avoid, and secondly it’s very hard to convince someone otherwise when they’ve already made up their mind.”
“Other partners – both current and past – have brought so much joy into our lives - from crucial emotional support; starry-eyed holidays together; dancing all night, to meeting each others’ parents - that from where I stand now I wouldn’t want to change anything. And what’s more, there are unexpected positives. Of course it’s wonderful to have the freedom to fall in love myself, to form close connections with important people, and to know that that’s not only okay but supported – but it’s quite remarkable to have someone you love allow you to watch them fall for someone else, and allow you to share in their joy and ride that high with them. It’s an amazing intimacy, and something I never take for granted.”
Every polyamorous relationship is different. Polly lives with her husband: “Both he and I have other important and loving relationships with other people as well (none of whom we live with at the moment). Everyone knows about everyone else, and everyone values the other relationships in the constellation.”
I recently conducted a series of interviews with polyamorous people about how they decided what was OK and what wasn’t and what ‘rules’ (if any) they had. About the only thing they had in common (apart from safer sex agreements) was the effort they put into communication. One triad (a group of three people who all lived together) even went so far as to have monthly “state of the relationship” meetings, where they had time explicitly set aside to check in with each other. Polly echoes this: “Successful polyamory takes work – just like a healthy and loving monogamous relationship. It requires the ability to clearly state your own needs and boundaries and lovingly take those of your partner/s into account, compassion and choosing to see people’s best, self-knowledge, and a willingness to recognise parts of yourself you may not be proud of.”
I came away from those interviews impressed with the level of comfort people seemed to feel about negotiating their needs. Polyamorous women frequently claim that they feel empowered in these relationships. It seems as if - because the assumptions about monogamy no longer applied - people feel able to apply the same radical approach to all aspects of their relationships.
Often people assume that consensual non-monogamy is all about satisfying male needs to have sex with lots of women. That is a fairly sexist view of competing male and female sex drives, and it doesn’t tally with the experiences of the polyamorous women I've spoken to. They have been, without exception, strong, independent women who are very articulate about what they want from their relationships. And the communication skills that are developed in negotiating the romantic aspects of their relationships carry over into other areas. If you define a feminist relationship as one where all partners sit down and talk about what they want on equal terms, then these relationships definitely seem a long way along that road. People who lived with their multiple partners divided household tasks up fairly, and definitely not along gender lines. For example, a group of five polyamorous people I interviewed were all about to buy a large house in London together, as their joint buying power significantly increasing what they could afford. The three women and one of the men all had financially rewarding careers that they wanted to continue, and the fifth man was going to be the stay at home 'housekeeper'.
Polly doesn’t have children at the moment, and people often wonder how polyamory fits with that. She says, “I'm pretty confident that, just like any new mother, any assumptions I have about what my life will look like as a parent might be completely blown out of the water by the actual arrival of an actual baby. I can commit now to prioritising my future children's well-being above all else, but that's easy to say. It's possible that during the first few years of parenthood I might just be too exhausted to want other relationships, and that's okay; what's more, in the face of change I trust that other partners will have the strength to say 'this relationship is no longer working for me and I wish you and your family all the best' if they need to.”
“It's also possible that I will rely on the love and support of other partners more than ever - to have reliable and loving people who'll be willing to come round and enjoy time with me, even if I'm exhausted and breastfeeding and haven't tidied up for a fortnight; who'll be prepared to help out and give my husband and I a break if we need it to focus on each other (or literally sleep together), or to give us both time to go and be adults with other people for a few hours. I can see all of those things might be valuable beyond price.” In my research, when the topic of children came up, a surprising number of people quoted the phrase, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Often people talk about their poly ‘tribe’ - and with today’s blended families, the idea of there being more than two important adult figures in children’s lives doesn’t seem so out there.
Polly and I are not arguing that polyamory is a superior relationship style. To quote her, “There are a million different paths to happiness – many, many people find monogamy to be a happy source of security and fulfilment. I’m confident that polyamory is the right choice for me – confident enough to say that I could never be in a monogamous relationship, just as some people reading this just know that they could never be happy if their relationship was anything other than monogamous."
“Of course there are negatives too,” Polly says. “More relationships mean more opportunities for breakups, which are always sad (even when – as is usually the case – those ex-partners become close and beloved friends). But the main negative is other people’s misunderstandings and misconceptions.” We hope that this post has helped to dispel some of those.
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Guest posts
Guest post: Polyamory - 'Other partners have brought so much joy into our lives'
38 replies
KateMumsnet · 01/07/2014 11:21
OP posts:
joanofarchitrave ·
02/07/2014 21:55
In theory I can just about see it (and I can imagine it for myself, for a short period).
In practice - never. And I just don't believe that 5% of the population is in a consensually non-monogamous relationship - show me the research on that one. I'd be amazed if it were even 5% of the adult population.
Almost the worst thing about being in a poly relationship would be the pressure to be lovin' it all the time, whereas it's culturally completely acceptable to have a good moan about your marriage or LTR 
The only person I have ever met who talked about her poly life was lovely, but I also thought she was wilfully blind to some pain she was causing. She was dedicated to 'the truth' but did not seem to consider that telling the truth and thereby causing pain might suggest trying a change in behaviour. Apparently that wouldn't be possible - she seemed more dedicated to the fact of being poly than to the people involved.
morethanpotatoprints ·
03/07/2014 15:38
newschoolmum
I see about the forsaking all others bit now.
Our vows included this and I believe in it (for us) but pass no judgement on others.
I can't believe you were reported to ss that's absolutely disgraceful, though unfortunately also living an unconventional lifestyle does this as I have found as well. (Not as poly, but as home educator)
I think it is really great that people live in all sorts of different ways and who is anybody to tell you your decisions are wrong.
I'm not sure I wouldn't be jealous, but this thread has got me thinking 
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