If you are a woman who lives with her male partner, I have a question for you – how well did you sleep last night? Did you slumber peacefully waking rested and restored? Or did you greet the dawn exhausted and frustrated after another night of broken sleep thanks to the person sharing your bed?
I’m going to lay my cards on the table straight away. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms and have done so for eight years.
If I was going to describe our ability to share a bed in contemporary parlance, I would have to say we are an ‘epic fail’. When my partner moved in, we had only been seeing each other for five months.
We trotted off down that well-worn path of most couples and hopped into the same bed on the first night of our new domestic arrangements; seven nights later we were bleary eyed, unable to function properly at work and re-thinking our decision to live together.
There was only one possible solution: separate beds. At first we agreed we would need separate beds during the week, but on weekends we would share. That decision lasted for two weeks. We simply could not sleep in the same bed and actually sleep.
The main cause of our problem was my partner Fraser’s snoring (there were other factors such as disparate bed times, room and bed temperature differences, fan on/fan off etc). As a light sleeper, the noise from Fraser’s snoring kept me awake and made me anxious. I felt bad. He felt bad. We despaired together.
Although the decision was swift, making it was not easy, and was accompanied by a myriad of questions and fears: What did this mean? Was there something wrong with us? Was the relationship doomed? What would other people say? But more importantly, was it ok to prioritise getting a good night’s sleep over sleeping next to each other?
After an unsure start, we began to talk. And nine years on we’re still talking about what sleeping in separate rooms means for us. Over time the conversations have changed.
In the beginning they were fervoured talks about how much we loved each other and how separate rooms ABSOLUTELY did not mean we didn’t desire each other or want to be together. After about six months, our comfort levels increased and we then talked about what we needed from each other to maintain intimacy in our relationship.
The reality is that there are no winners when it comes to sleep deprivation. If you are sleep deprived, you expose yourself to a long list of health risks including heart disease, diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, cognitive impairment, psychiatric problems, stroke, heart attack, to name but a few. You also sell yourself short with your employer, you rob your partner of sharing the best version of yourself, and if you have children, you deprive them of a fully functioning mother who is taking the best care she can of herself.
There is a strong body of research that tells us the extent to which sleep is disturbed by sharing a bed with another person. However, when we head into the realm of ‘who’s disturbing whom’ in the bedroom, it appears that women are being far more ‘disturbed’ than they are doing the ‘disturbing’. Clinical research reveals that men are far more likely to snore and pass wind at night than women.
In addition, women – far more than men – lose sleep because they sacrifice their bed and sleeping needs in order to continue sharing a bed with their husband or boyfriend; heterosexual couples
were found to predominately sleep in temperature, noise and light conditions that favoured the male in the relationship.
The same study looked in to why women are so prepared to sacrifice sleep for the sake of sharing their bed with their partner – and it turns out that for women, sleep isn’t just about getting sleep. It’s about the social act of sharing a bed and room with another person. The sacrifice is also fuelled by the cultural implications and expectations that come along with the idea that when you ‘partner up’ with someone you’re supposed to share a small space with them every night. No matter what the implications.
Somewhere in our socialisation, we buy into the construct that a ‘happy’ couple is one that shares a bed every night. Part of the reason we are so caught up in this image is that so many ‘unhappy’ couples take themselves off to separate rooms as a sign of their disharmony. TV and movies rely heavily on this discourse to support a narrative. If you caught Hope Springs in 2011 with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, you’ll know exactly what I mean. I suggest it’s a poor bargain.
Unfortunately, the default position from which separate sleepers often have to justify their decision is that “there must be something wrong”. And yes, there is something wrong – we can’t lie next to each other in the same bed and get enough sleep to function. But there’s nothing wrong with the relationship. We still love each other, want to be together and some of us separate sleepers even manage to fit in some procreating. (It’s true – people who sleep in separate beds still have sex. I promise. We do.)
Nine years on, Fraser and I have found that people are mostly convinced our relationship is not doomed for failure. As a couple we still argue and get cranky with each other over a whole range of issues – but I figure at least we are well rested and thinking clearly when we are trying to resolve those issues.
One thing I know is that we will need to keep talking about this part of our relationship because we are committed to each other and know that the ‘separate room’ thing requires work. I also know that I will keep talking about our sleep arrangements to other people in the hope that separate sleepers everywhere can hold up their heads with pride, know they are not alone, and be congratulated for recognising the value and importance of a good night’s sleep and doing something about it.
Guest posts
Guest post: Why sleeping separately has been the best thing for my marriage
MumsnetGuestPosts · 17/04/2014 15:28
I would love to have separate beds but my DH would be devastated if I suggested it. When he goes away with work overnight he complains that he doesn't sleep well because he is lonely in the bed... But at home once I have got through the hell of putting the kids to bed by myself in the evening, I love the luxury of having the bed to myself for the night and I sleep like the dead 
We have been happily married for 8 years and together for 10. We sleep separately and have done from the very beginning.
I prefer to sleep on my own and Dh snores like a drain, shouts out in his sleep and moves around constantly. We do share if we have to but we even book extra bedrooms on holiday. All the kids are used to it. They know we love each other and the reasons why. We don't advertise it, dh keeps quiet usually, but do I talk about it with friends and family and try not to feel ashamed.
There is a sense of shame surrounding this issue. I think its because
People assume that separate beds equal no intimacy or sex. They are very wrong. Some friends have recently admitted they are envious and would do the same if only their partner would agree to it.
The only derogatory comments I've had are from family. Bless them
I reckon the only reason most people slept in the same room/bed is because they couldn't afford housing with enough bedrooms NOT to originally. Look at all the big stately homes - they have separate rooms for the master and mistress of the house! 
If you could afford to have separate rooms, why not?
dh and I had seperate rooms
I honestly didnt think to worry it was 'wrong'
he snored loudly, had sleep apnea that terrified me, had tinitus (sp?) so slept with the telly on all night.
I also coslept with all my babies, and sleep ridiculously lightly since having kids.
it just worked for us
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