HF autism and gifted daughter

[Realmumstuff]

Hi, I wonder if anyone can help.

My 13 DD has suspected HF autism or Aspergers. We are going/pushing for assessment and going privately (gave up on NHS as it's a long wait) it's going to be a while before we are formally assessed, although our psychiatrist is convinced she has aspergers.

Our DD is very bright. She is in a local independent school and has an academic and an art scholarship and we love the school. However, our DD hates school. She has no friends, says she has to pretend to be something she's not to get through the day and is terrified to speak in lessons. Break and lunch are the worst times for her as she is alone. It's hard to get her to go to school, she just breaks down. It's so sad to see her like that. Her school has been lovely, they have done so much to help support our DD and will make special arrangements for her if she is uncomfortable or anxious. However, she won't take them up on anything as she doesn't want to feel different to her peers.

She asked me today if she could go to a school where people understand her. I'm worried about moving her as the school is great (I think). I've looked around and we do have a school close that is for children on the autism spectrum but it doesn't offer the full GCSE curriculum. She is very bright (getting predicted grades of A* and A/B or 9-7) so I can't see it challenging her enough (she learns Japanese in her spare time!). Does anyone know where we start here? We are based in the Kent/South East (near London).

She won't do a boarding school and we don't want her to.

There doesn't seem to be anything suitable.

I'd appreciate any advice, thanks.

[BlackeyedSusan]

dd has found her crowd, with the geeky boys and is able to accesst eh sen area at lunch and breaks.I would not swap a school that is doing something for a school that may talk the talk but not walk the walk.

[haba]

Hi realmum, what are her barriers to making friends? Are the class sizes very small and she just hasn't clicked with other girls? (Is it co-ed or girls only?) Or are their other issues (e.g. her behaviour socially)?
Do have a look at all the schools around you, not just independent schools, and see which have a lovely, supportive atmosphere.
My DD (who has Asperger's) was in independent at primary, but a large one, with three classes in a year, and plenty of people to make friends with.
She didn't go on to one of the two schools that most go on to because there was another school that she just felt at home in when we visited (we looked at all feasible schools in our area to make sure it was the right place for her). Though she went alone from primary, there was a larger pool of girls to make friends with, and she has found some really lovely people that 'get' her, and tolerate her quirks. She also had to avoid one subject that she couldn't handle, but school were great and let her double up lessons of another so she could extend her knowledge in that area.

If she's able, she will do well in a school where she feels happy and secure, because she will be able to access the learning, and put in the study at home herself.
I'm afraid I don't know Kent schools, but if you go on MN Local for your area, there will be people with local knowledge.
The CBT will help, and hopefully will enable her to focus more on her future.
Definitely move her before GCSEs start, so that there's no issues with matching syllabi/curriculum, but if she's 13, you have time.

Are there any groups out of school that she could be involved with (tricky at the moment I realise!) so she can make some friends not at school?
What kind of things is she interested in?

[sunglassesonthetable]

so sorry to read this OP. No help to you but . My son struggled in many ways similar to yours in school. I can empathise so much.

[lifeover40]

I don't know of any schools that work work better for your daughter. However, I did think this article might be useful to see if there are other ways of accommodating her in her existing school setting: authenticallyemily.co.uk/2020/09/12/reasonable-adjustments-in-schools-for-autistic-students-and-students-with-anxiety/

[Bunnyanddeer]

Hi just want to say I have a 5 yo daughter who is suspected to be on a spectrum and very bright so I know your pain. She is also experiencing anxiety at school and refuses to go to school. Sorry not helpful but just want to let you know that you are definitely not alone!

[Realmumstuff]

Hi Flamingo,

Primary school was slightly better as there was no real social pressure. We are lucky that our DD is in a very small independent school with really excellent pastoral care, I think if she was in a big school the pressure would be too much for her.

Things did get worse for us last week, our DD said she would be dead in 5 years so what is the point of trying. It was so hard to hear.

I reached out to her school to let them know how bad things had become and then proceeded to burst into tears to the head of learning support! They were brilliant, she immediately put measures in place that our DD doesn't need to attend the lesson that tips her over the edge and have given her permission to sit in her form room at lunch time. All her teachers have been asked not to put her on the spot. I tell you, it has made a huge difference!

I also had a chat with her psychiatrist who is arranging her CBT and we finally have a date for her formal autism assessment. She suspects our daughter may have PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) as well as aspergers which would make home schooling too difficult. She listens to authority at school but really won't at home!

[flamingo2011]

Just wanted to say hi and let you know that I feel your pain. I have a son younger than your daughter but in a similar situation. Struggles with friendship but incredibly bright. Still in primary but I really want to find him somewhere that he feels "safe".

I don't know if there will ever be a place like that😢

Hugs to you and your daughter.