Dealing with a 6 YO who thinks she is in control - ever had it?

[StillSquiffy]

Sorry this is long, don't want to drip feed (also I don't really do concise very well).

Looking for some empathy here more than anything, not sure there are any solutions.

I simply cannot get my DD to do as I want her to. Treats don't work, punishments don't work, ignoring doesn't work. I've tried everything suggested in the books (variously titled around: the Exploding child, the manipulative child, the strong willed child). Everything

She will first decide what is going to happen (eg: it will be warm outside even if temp is actually -2), therefore she will wear a sundress. She will explain this logically then refuse to listen to logical reasons as to why this is not good. She will refuse to change, refuse to listen to you, and eventually if you carry on trying to discuss it, she will go into a full meltdown. If you simply tell her to change she will go into a meltdown. If you suggest that she takes a jumper just in case, she will go into a meltdown. If you go with the flow she would, in this particular situation, stand outside in the cold, smiling and telling you "see! it's warm!" for a few minutes before screaming her head off that she's cold and it's all your fault for letting her wear the sundress (and heaven help you if you have secretly brought along a jumper, because that will precipitate another meltdown for not believing her in the first place).

In a nutshell, any suggestion that her interpretation of the world might not be correct leads to a meltdown, as does any experience that goes against expectations.

This morning's example: "Mummy, you were wrong about the sun's heat coming from a nuclear fusion, Mrs Teacher said yesterday that it's a ball of fire" "Yes, DD, it is the nuclear fusion that creates the heat and the fire" "No, Mummy. It's fire. That's what it is. It's not nuclear. Nuclear doesn't exist. Nuclear's silly. You're wrong mummy. It's not fair. Why do you get it so wrong?" followed by meltdown and 10 minutes of tears around how horrible I make her feel by telling her things that she now knows are clearly wrong.



Obviously the normal strategies that worked with my DS don't work with her: as for other strategies - Empathy then discussion doesn't work, Part-way giving-in doesn't work, letting her tantrum it out doesn't work (but does at least while away the time), giving her elements of control over certain bits of her life doesn't work. She won't listen, compromise, discuss or engage in any way with exploring her decisions. She herself acts like one of those draconian mums who yell "Do it because I said so!" at their kids, except she's the child, yelling it at me.

When things are going as expected or she is given control, she is a darling; confident, sweet, cheerful, witty, cuddly (and still acting like the grown-up - telling everyone what to do, where to sit, what food to eat, etc). She will even, at the end of such days, cuddle up at bedtime saying things like "See, no tears today! Isn't it lovely when you do all the right things, mummy?"

Obv. her behaviour has not gone unnoticed by others, and I do worry for her ability to make/keep friends. I have asked those that are close to us and know the situation for their advice and they are as stumped as I am. I am strong myself and consistent in boundaries, etc, so I don't think I am making the situation any worse by my own reactions, would love to know if I can do anything to make the situation better, Because sometimes it is really shit (though I did laugh when one of my friends asked me if I'd ever watched the Exorcist, after witnessing a particularly spectacular meltdown). We average maybe three episodes a day (the subject matter is random and can be stuff like who sits on which side of the back seat on the way home from school) - sometimes just stamping and shouting, sometimes worse. No triggers that I have noticed (and I have looked) although tiredness of course makes things so much worse.

She is way, way out there on the bell curve of intelligence so I am very well aware that this is simply the other side of the coin, but am keen to see if anyone else has been there with their own kids? What's been the outcome? Does it die down naturally as they mature? If I have half an idea what to expect then I am sure I will be able to deal with it better.

[Corygal]

LaQueen, are you for sale? By the hour, even?

You can have ALL my Xmas money and a pair of Louboutins...

[CheerfulYank]

Ah yes Stealth...I used my former-cheerleader voice to really project: "Yes, you are very upset, aren't you? I said that we would leave if you would not behave, and you chose not to, so now we are going to the car." That way the horrified onlookers knew I was not abducting him. :o

[gymboywalton]

"She always finishes her work way ahead of everyone else and then she uses her time to 'do stuff' for the teachers (organise their tables, pens, etc, try to tell the other kids what to do, sometimes)."


if this is true, then the school are failing your child. if she finishes her work early, then more challenging work is required. there should be extensions provided for her.

[lljkk]

I wonder if OP will come back.

My guess is that the bossiness (at this age) derives from insecurity & emotional immaturity. Insecurity which may be tied to her brains. I'd work on making her feel more accepting of herself and imperfections, and the control-freakery might well dissipate of its own accord.

I'm afraid I would end up laughing at her shennagins, too, but I'm not laughing at OP. It's hard to be perfect parent when you're in the middle of it.

[CheerfulYank]

Also when I used to work with children who had behavioral challenges it helped to remind them that I am incapable of being embarrassed...but they weren't.

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

is there a slight admiration that she is very clever, and an assumption that people with high IQs it's OK to be rude? You seem to infer that since she is highly intelligent, her behaviour because of this.

I was reading an interview with a Cambridge admission tutor and while obviously there are academic standards, there were a few applicants they had to choose from. They decided on a pupil who volunteered at the local old people's home, well because they liked her...

[PiedWagtail]

I agree with LaQueen and Pictish.

You bizarrely, sound, proud of your dd's horrible behaviour and the school sounds useless. They should be providing her with extension work, NOT letting her try to boss them around! Pathetic.

And it sounds as though you let her off with it because she's clever Well, she's not behaving in a clever way and if she behaves like that then no adults OR children will like her. You need to get this sorted now.

[CheerfulYank]

I wouldn't doubt she is a bit insecure lljk. In my experience children who "run the house" often are.

It is a lot of pressure for a person of five or six to feel they are in charge of an entire family. It may be old-fashioned or whatever but I really feel children are the most secure when they know that a grown-up is firmly running things.

[CheerfulYank]

Oh yes LaQ...with the raised eyebrow and everything. :)

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I second everything that LaQueen says. I am that you allow a six year old to tell you what to do, where to sit. And the comment snuggled up in bed about doing things right? Sooooooo out of order!

School need to give her more work to do, not let her rummage in their bags

You need to be the grown up here. You are in charge. She is six. You make the rules and you all stick to them. Including cancelling the horse riding (you did cancel, didn't you, OP?)

[seeker]

But I am also horrified at the school's reaction-the fact that they think her behaviour's delightful means they an't helping at all. I would start by telling them how you want them to react to this sort of behaviour. Then start on the LaQueen et al boot camp.

[ZumbaZara]

Thought it was interesting that she is better at school which was structured and she had a clear idea of the rules.

It might be useful to request a chat with the community paediatrician, you can self refer through the GP.

[CheerfulYank]

I do hope you come back, OP. I hope we don't sound flippant. It can get out of control rather quickly...I've been feeling terrible lately ("morning" sickness) and have been a bit more lax with DS than usual and he started taking the pee right away. Unfortunately for him I'm feeling better and jerking the reins again. It can be hard to wrest control back, but you can do it. It'll be tough at first but you'll all be happier. :)

[TheCrackFox]

At 6yrs old she is plenty old enough to be told that when she is having a tantrum that onlookers are horrified by her behaviour and will be judging her and not you. Have you thought about filming her in mid melt down and showing her later.

I know plenty of immensely clever children who are utterly charming. You have let her away with this brattish behaviour in the misguided belief that it is connected with intelligence. It isn't.

One other thing, never make a threat that you have no intention of following through with. Did you cancel the riding lessons?

[Corygal]

LaQ - I'll provide assistance.

Ain't no one does the Spinster Stare like me. I do need the right setting - public transport, any supermarket, a nice shop - but I like to think the recipient will never again be what my sainted Grandmother called 'pert'.

Don't get me started on The Moving Finger of Judgement, either.

I bow before your skillz.

[DeWe]

I'd also say that she may have got a teacher at present that loves her. But equally well there will be teachers that hate being reminded.

My dd1 is the sort of child who likes to remember the teacher should have brought X with her on Mondays and reminds them. Some teachers love this, some teachers ignore it, and some really, really hate it. It took her a couple of years to get the balance right (so reminding politely when things matter, ignoring things that don't) and if in doubt, ignore, and if the teacher ignores her not to push it again.

I would also raise an eyebrow at a teacher who felt they had to apply lipstick at 10:30 every day.

[EscapeInTheCity]

wow surprised by the tone of the posts here... If the OP was ever to come back, she will never do so now....

Just as much as I am very keen on 'following through' and I would accept a child to be rude , I am by some of these posts tbh.

Serioulsy LaQ, would make fun of a child like this?
I have even been known to sit down, get comfortable, cross my legs, lean back in my chair and go with the 'Come on show me what you've really got, I don't think you're really putting all your effort into this tantrum, to be honest...let's step it up a bit...come on...you can do better than that...'
I am thankful my mum has never been like that.