**Urgent** Any cancer experts/people with experience around to answer a query?

[PussinJimmyChoos]

As you have probably seen from other threads of mine, MIL has terminal cancer - started in the liver and has now spread to bile ducts and pancreas. She is nearly 80 and also non insulin dependent diabetic

The diagnosis was two weeks ago tomorrow and the doctors said 6 weeks max. DH's family did their nut and told DH to get over there asap (DH is foreign)

DH text tonight with a story about a woman that they had heard of who lived for 10years with this type of cancer. I'm so as I don't think this will be the case and really don't want DH to be building up for nothing with false hope, only have a bitter shock if something sudden and nasty happens...

Surely 10 years is not feasible with this kind of aggressive cancer? I asked if it was possible if the doctors had got it wrong, but DH, who is a Biomedical Scientist anyway has seen all the reports and says no.

Apparently the family are going mad with the uncertainty of it. Atm MIL is not eating except for fruit and protein shakes. She is walking around, not in pain (although one of her pain killers does have opium in it so it could be that rather than the disease not spreading iyswim)

Any help appreciated...am so worried about DH

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Wow...they do say though that you can have such vivid dreams sometimes that they do stay with you during the day..... So sorry you lost your mum

[ThreadieKrueger]

Hope you don't mind me posting this here, but when you asked if it is normal to be so bad one day and 'the next day she is ok', my fingers leapt to the keyboard to write (the insane untruth) 'oh yes, my mum was worse than that and now she is absolutely fine'

The reason I was about to write that is that about once a week I dream that my mother is completely fine, and in the dream I am rather puzzled about how she can be fine, given that she was in the last stages of terminal cancer.; but I accept completely that she is alive. I had that dream last night, and clearly had a lingering unconscious belief in it.

She died four years ago.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Oh and she's very cold - normal?

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Dh just text - said that one day she is bad and he thinks this is it, next day she is ok - is this normal??

She is very bloated, tired and while she is not on morphine yet, the frequency of pain dosage is increasing. She is non insulin dependent atm but keeps having repeatedly high GL - which would be expected if cancer has spread to pancreas. Dr will administer insulin if hasn't changed until Sat

Dh is doing his nut about when to come back - as it stands he's due to come back 19th Oct, but he would still have a week left on his visa on this date. I've told him to extend and take the full month. He wants to be there when she goes and I think he's hanging on for that and as awful as it sounds, with each day that goes by that he's not seeing much change, he's terrified of having to leave her and it really being goodbye...

Any thoughts? Am trying to be strong for him and putting aside my feelings of wanting him back...its hard with little one to look after as well but I cannot think of myself at such a time - it could be me one day!

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Herbie - sorry to hear your news...am sending positive vibes your way

No change today. DH is doing his nut about what happens when he is due to leave - at present he is due to fly back on 19th Oct...however, that is one week before his visa runs out so I have a strong feeling he may extend it one more week. He's feeling very torn between us here and her there...although I've told him we are fine and its not as if it is forever

His sister said if nothing has changed in two weeks, to just come back as planned and then fly out again if needed. He said something about going back in Feb which I was about as I really don't think she will be here in Feb

From what I can gather, they are expecting a steady decline and because its not happening, they are very confused and don't know what to plan for. I've suggested another trip to the doctor to try and see if they can get another prognosis as clearly, they need to know...as awful as that sounds...

[Quattrocento]

Oh Che Your post made me cry. I'm so sorry. Sorry for everyone. Qx

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

That's a good point actually....aww, its so lovely to be able to offload on here....I don't know how I'd be getting through his trip away without mumsnet in the evenings...

[Blandmum]

It would be very hard to tell her now, I think. And I realise that culturally talking about Cancer can be very difficult.....it has been in the UK and only really in the last few years have things imroved. I remember people talking about it in hushed voices when I was a child.

Being honest helped us cope, but at least you and your dh are supporting each other, which is a blessing.

and I'm sure that god knows your dh's intent, which is the most important thing.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

They haven't told her she is dying btw...she thinks she has a gall stone. For such a religious family to deny Allah's will has made me a bit but I can see the logic because she will panic so much and be inclined to give up so much more easily than now....

I have gently warned DH that it could be a slip away in the night job and that he must read surahs (verses) from the Koran to bless her sleep from me. I want it to be blessed iyswim and if she does go, that has been read before... I hope he is doing it

[Blandmum]

With dh the end came very swiftly. On Sunday he was just about well enough to have a balloon flight.

On the next wednesday he was admitted to the hospice. On the Friday I had 'the conversation' from the Consultant. Friday he could drink from a glass unaided. Saturday he could drink with a straw. Sunday he couldn't drink at all, and he died early in the morning of the Monday. On the Saturday night when I was sitting with him through the night he pulled me to him, and hugged me. He was still trying to joke on the Sunday.

But in the end it all just overwhelmed him.

From what our wonderful Mac nurse told me , the actual death tends to be a little easier if people are older, and the tend to be more accepting and let themselves 'go' more easily.

I would think that given her faith, and the fact that she has lost her husband, you MIL will 'slip away'. I hope this isn't the wrong thing to say.

Dh fought to the last breath, and that was so hard for him. I wish that he had 'slipped away'

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

MB - thank you so much. I can't tell you how much of a comfort all these posts are to me...they really are. Is it possible though that people can just go before the cancer takes a real hold iyswim? I personally feel that the mental outlook can play a huge part and given her age, I don't think she has any motivation to hang around...she always struck me as tired of life anyway...even before this as she misses her DH terribly...

I wake up feeling sick every morning waiting for his text to see how she is as I'm just increasingly feeling it will be a slip away in the night job.....

[Blandmum]

Oh hell, that just makes it all so much harder for your dh.

It is wonderful that your MIL is surrounded by her family, I'm sure that this is a very real comfort to her, but not aving good palliative care people on hand to give advice makes it all so much harder.

I'm just so sorry Puss, and I wish that there was something that I could do to help

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

He's just text me again...said that she has been for the last two days - not crying but just sad and not interested in anything...I thought she was perky earlier but obv not....the warning bells are going that she is just going to go in her sleep as I am feeling that she just has no interest anymore...

Does this happen? Can people just lose heart before the body gives up? She has been a widow for 11 years now and a lot of the spark has gone out of her since....she's ready to go imo...but..I'm worried sick that DH will be the one to find her one morning...

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

No, as its in the Middle East, palliative care teams are not as common as over here. Its more managed by the family. They are administering all of her pain meds. However, the cousin is an A+E doctor and so they are following her direction with regards to all of this

All they have really, is the final diagnosis from the doctors of weeks to live about 2 weeks ago...

Although DH hasn't said it, I get the feeling that this waiting around as it were is really starting to take its toll and they just don't understand why she has a very bad day and then the next day she is fine

Of course, for Dh there is the worry in the back of his mind that his visa runs out 3 weeks today and he doesn't want to have to leave her knowing that it really is goodbye and she gets so upset when he leaves that it could put her back more - DH doesn't want that

[Blandmum]

The not knowing is so hard.

Has he had a word with the medics looking after her? With DH they gave me very clear advice on how long they thought that he had left.....to the point that they encoraged us to get his MBE presented while he was still well enough to be awate that it was happeneing. He died a few days later.

the medics usually have a good idea, if they are palliative care experts

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Is this normal? Had a text from DH yest saying that Mama was too weak to even wash her hair but then she happily had a pain free (albeit with medication) night and seems perky now..

He is doing his nut as one day he will think oh she's so bad, this is it and the next day - oh she's got longer and the limbo is really taking its toll on him and the family....

Any advice?

[Doodle2U]

Ahh Puss, you're very intuitive. After posting, went downstairs and shared bar of Galaxy with DH. Hands up, we'd hidden it earlier, so we didn't have to share it with the children

Thanks for the support vibes and right back atcha!

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Don't cry

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Doodle - sending postive support vibes from us to your family too....I'm feeling now that it is days rather than weeks. Apparently, she bucked up loads when DH arrived but I think now its just whump....the hair thing just sent alarm bells ringing but obv did not say that to DH....I feel so helpless but I know that if we were there, it would be so much more stressful as DS is at that very demanding age

[Doodle2U]

deterioration

and

"the best support he could HAVE" not need!

Man, it's hard to type when you're crying

[Doodle2U]

Puss, am in a similar position. My FIL is in the final stages and we're heart broken but we're trying to make it as dignified, pain-free and comfortable as possible for him. We live 5 doors up from in-laws, so DH is in there everyday, no doubt seeing a similar detirioration as your DH is witnessing with his mother.

He'll probably see, in the next few days, real evidence that she isn't going to experience a miracle - maybe the hairwashing thing gave him the 'evidence' he needed. If he's there with the rest of his family, they'll be taking great stength from each other and he knows he has you and his child at home - my DH said to me yesterday that me and the kids were his source of strength. He felt that he had a life to go back to (us) after his Dad finally passes away.

Dunno if that makes any sense to you but I knew immediately what my lovely DH meant.

I suspect my FIL has days rather than weeks and I'll be surprised if he makes it until next weekend. In a way, I look forward to his passing - it gives him blessed relief and that removes the odd guilt that we all feel.

Like chegirl, I'm not sure what it is I'm trying to convey here, except to say - you're not alone with this and just being there for DH, keeping the home fires burning, is the best support he could need.

Best wishes from our family to yours.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Oh, I really hope my thread is not upsetting yo in any way? I would hate that

I didn't realise that...her primary is the liver with pancreas and bile ducts the secondary...I guess the tumour must be pressing into the stomach now....

They are not treating it at all btw...just palliative (sp) care...said no point at her age...

[Blandmum]

Pancreast and liver sit right over the stomach.

Dh's primary tumour was in the pancreas with secondarries in the liver, and he had stomach pains, nausea, vomiting, lack of appitite. It can be caused by pressure. Also the pancreas produces digestive juices, so it is all part of the digestive system.

just so awful for you all.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Rhine - I will take you up on that when am back in Bristol. Can I nick your tupperware too for an extra boost Cant wait for bump to arrive -I shall be around for a cuddle! Am due to test on Thurs...fingers x'd!! Heavy full boobs and tingly but could of course all be in my head!