Need to become teetotal for a good future, advice needed?

[minipoppet]

I have posted under the' general health' section but really this could come under so many categories,relationships,sex life etc.
I have bee a heavy drinker since the age of 18 and am now nearly 40,I have had yet another 'heavy weekend' in terms of alcohol use.
I am not sure but think I am alcohol dependant rather than an alcoholic?but tell me is there really a difference?thing is I don't drink daily and don't NEED a drink,haven't drank during any of my pregnancies at all but drink more often than not.I even manage not to drink in front of the children as they are fairly young and always in bed early.

I am very happy in my home life and have a wonderful DH who never ever complains about my drinking but I know it does worry him but only in terms of my own safety when I am out and my long term health.
For me unfortunately there is no 'off' button,not only in drinking but in anything I do just lately I have been too drunk every time I drink because I feel as if I am going to run out if time to drink and cram it all in one go.
I drink if I am sad ,when I celebrate I will always find an excuse.

Can anyone advise me on trying the teetotal thing for a bit,it's so daunting because in my mind I have always drank and to be honest find the thought of not doing so scary and frankly boring to a point.
I can see though that there could be great reasons not to keep doing this to myself and DH,I think our lives could be far more fulfilled but I am in a rut,maybe a counsellor?????( I tried to attend AA) a long time ago but I feel I certainly didn't fit in! I was young looked well and stood out like a sore thumb! What to I do , where to start......so difficult.I haven't told DH as I feel this would just give me room to disappoint,I need to decide how to approach it first as it is such a big change for me!

[LadyBumps]

Hi mini, happy to answer any questions if I can! I'd certainly not describe myself as an expert, but I'd be over the moon if anything I'm learning could also be useful for you too.

I stopped drinking in January after many (unsuccessful) attempts to cut back. I got scared that in a couple of years my drinking had escalated from healthy social drinking to habitual drinking, with the volume & frequency both having increased to the point where I knew it had gone too far (about a bottle of wine most nights, plus a couple of brandies or G&T's if I was out).

I woke up early one Sunday morning feeling wracked with guilt and fear about where all this might end, so I Googled AA & went to a meeting that night. I was too scared to go in at first so hovered outside, then someone spotted to me & they were all so kind. I went once more the following week but felt like a fraud as my drinking had not yet caused me anywhere near as many problems as others, so I haven't been back since. I felt like I was on the very edge of a dangerously steep slope, but hadn't quite tipped over. I was certainly close enough to want to pull back completely though.

I heard enough during those two meetings to decide that abstinence was necessary for me, at least for a decent period. I've initially decided a year. It has been easier than I expected but I haven't had a holiday, birthday or Christmas yet. I've realised that I wasn't yet physically dependent on alcohol & that it was all psychological/emotional...essentially, a short-cut to relax (but of course, this was short-lived & I ended up feeling far from relaxed!)

I would love to be able to drink in moderation again at some point but I think I really need a long break. I'll try again next year to drink socially but if I find that it creeps up again then I think I'll have to go permanently tee-total. Which would be a shame, but infinitely preferable to problem drinking.

What has been a revelation to me is how much better I feel, how much more I can get done in a day, and how a few simple adjustments to my thinking have helped to make not drinking enjoyable, rather than some kind of punishment as I feared.

How are you feeling? Is there anything that's proving difficult?

[LadyBumps]

Oh & mrsnec, your posts about holidays have been really helpful as this will be my biggest challenge this year. Thanks for giving us some ideas of what we can look forward to on sober holidays

[minipoppet]

Well ladies that was a tricky 2 days,terrible start to the day,DH upset me how he treated my eldest dd in the evening,unfortunately it reminded me of my dad!!the poor little mite is desperate for some positive attention! (She had been out singing in a concert and she was excited and banged n the door loudly when we got back,he opened the door angrily and just went SHHHHHHH!!! in her face and then spoke no more)she had practised for months for this event.....Then the next day he did the same again ,I think I had it at the front of my mind but he then got up the next morning and went into the lounge,it was just her in there (good opportunity to chat and ask about the concert) he chose to sit as far away from her as possible to eat his breakfast,my feeling was that if it was one of the boys he would have made concerted effort to sit with them,I asked him to sit with her for 5 mins before work and this was greeted by tuts and protest, although he did move he made it look quite obvious that he was annoyed,I
Didn't care but what does this show her,a) that he doesn't take interest in what she had been doing the night before
B) that there is no need to be accommodating to my requests at all.( it's not like I asked him to paint a ceiling! God this sat with me ALL day,then had a bad day at work and so on,this NEARLY resulted in a very large bottle of wine!!!!I felt anxious all day long and into the night,DH asked me what was wrong so I told him that he had upset me that morning again he just went silent( great communication skills)rant over dont worry girls I didn't hit the bottle!!!!!,phew.....Jesus I didn't realise so much of this was related to my father......what a selfish prat he is,getting cross now,he reduced my mother to mental breakdown and my brother to only just finish counselling at the age of 36!! And he wouldn't be accountable for his actions either!!I feel I
Mustn't let history repeat itself ............feeling a bit better xxx??

[MamaLazarou]

Another Alan Carr devotee here. My husband and I were both v heavy drinkers and decided to quit for 6 months to save money so read the 'Easyway' book and have never looked back. That was three years ago now and - sorry if this makes me sound like a massive wanker - quitting was the greatest gift I could have given myself. I am just so thankful that I don't have to drink any more.

The main drawback is that when people find out that you don't drink, they can become rather defensive about it (even though I don't judge people for drinking alcohol and never try to impose my views upon people). Oh, and pubs are boring. Parties and dancing are still wicked fun, though - even more fun sober than drunk! When you're sober, you realise that getting drunk is not actually fun or relaxing at all - it's just losing control and getting messy and sick.

GOOD LUCK!

[NigellasDealer]

I have a tendency to binge drink as well and one night realised i could be an aggressive drunk so just stopped really......
just remember how stupid other people seem when they are drunk!

[LadyBumps]

Sorry to hear about the incident between your DH & DD mini. Does your DH often treat her in a way that upsets you?

Have you got anyone you can speak to about your feelings about your Dad? I also found that things came to the surface when I stopped 'escaping' with alcohol, and seemed a bit overwhelming at first without my usual crutch. Talking things through with a clear head is painful but hugely helpful.

Congrats on your continued abstinence. I hope that you are starting to feel some physical benefits? Emotional benefits to follow :) x

[minipoppet]

Thanks ladybumps yes I have lost weight,and from my tummy too- hooray!!I am going to run a 10km yes DH does treat her different o the others,it's partly my fault because I shield her from it and usually have her with me,I plan to organise some events together for them in the near future to help them bond before its too late,she is 10 now.it seems to bother me more than her.
Yes to be honest it's only been over 3 weeks now but I am struggling a bit with anxiety,I do take tablets recently for them say 6 months or so but it's been worse these 3 weeks,my mind is doing strange things like you say things a coming to the surface a bit,I will talk eventually but I was on a welcome break for anything related to my father for the short term.thanks ladybumps it nice you are checking in- 3 weeks3 days.......oh I also realised this must be why I hated pregnancy with a passion ,I had to be sober!! (We have 4dc's!)shame really that I couldn't have enjoyed it more,especially for the sake of DH- he's been married to a monster for 3 years!!! This time I am in control and loving not drinking for now, going to buy Alan carrbook I think........mmmmm strange new world!!

[LadyBumps]

Hi mini, happy-nearly-4-weeks

I hope that the relationship between your DH & DD soon settles & improves.

Are you on anti-anxiety meds at the moment? Have you been to your GP since you gave up drinking? Might be worth a visit to see if there's anything to help during this transition phase?

I hope that you are so proud of yourself for dealing with all of this without alcohol

[minipoppet]

Well another weekend completed,I must say I haven't felt physically this well for a while so that's great my DH is being completely supportive as always which is nice too.with regards to the anti anxiety meds in theory they should be working more to my benefit now that I am not drinking as I wasn't meant to drink on them,I have been better just by keeping busy and not giving myself much thinking time this week,life is good just need some sunshine now!!!I am proud of myself yes,still got holiday niggling in my mind..............thanks ladybumps

[mrsnec]

Hi mini, sounds like you're doing really well. Glad to hear you're feeling so good. The suggestions above for nice non boozy drinks are great. Have an amazing holiday, you've come this far I think you'll be fine just try not to worry too much about it and just carry as you have been doing.

[tribpot]

You're doing great. You spotted a definite trigger a little while ago (stressful day with your DH bringing back bad memories) and so hopefully the next time that happens you will be prepared for the craving that comes with it. Triggers can be anything - I used to get one whenever I got off the bus, because my brain went off bus = home after work = wine o'clock, even if I hadn't just finished work!

You may find it easier to keep yourself distracted if you have something to do in the evening that isn't just TV. I used to play on my Nintendo DS and then as I got better took up knitting again. This keeps my hands and brain busy enough to distract me from thoughts of booze in the evening. It also fills in time during 'boredom danger zones' like long train journeys.

This is the book that really helped me - really worth a read and only 3 quid on the Kindle at the moment.

In terms of the holiday, I think it will be better to come clean with your friends, otherwise there will be intolerable pressure on you to drink 'because you're on holiday'. My friends have been fantastically supportive and will often not drink when we go out for a meal or whatever. If the holiday is not to be super-stressful for you, your friends will need to adjust their behaviour a bit, or perhaps you need to decide your holiday styles are no longer compatible.

[minipoppet]

Thanks again people,yes actually as I pan through FB to see what's going on in the world, all I can see is people going out,going crazy on the booze and almost 'pretending' to have fun,see now me as a 'proper drinker'am completely happy drinking alone and would be embarrassed to take a photo of myself plastered to show the world,I did used to feel ashamed afterwards.Can I ask tribpot can you now drink occasionally or have you given up completely?

[tribpot]

I haven't tried, minipoppet. I think that, possibly, if I policed myself extremely rigorously I could maybe have one drink maybe once a year and no more. But frankly that sounds so unappealing that I'd rather not bother! In some ways I think I'd like it if someone invented a really good-tasting alcohol-free wine, for example, but I reckon the taste/smell of that would trigger me anyway.

I find being around booze stressful. I can tolerate it in the company of people I trust completely, but I don't like it when I'm among strangers. I've just started a new job so have had a few nights out - nothing heavy and certainly no-one hammered or anything, but I have found them extremely unpleasant. Unfortunately I just have to do them until I know these people a bit better and can feel more relaxed - about going out or not, or suggesting a cuppa instead or whatever. No-one ever attempts to push booze at me, they simply accept "I don't drink" as a reason.

It's early days for you. Don't worry yet about whether this is forever, just keep going for now. My GP wanted me to give up for a year, which seemed like an impossible task at the time. I'm coming up on three years now.

[minipoppet]

Hi gang not even counting the days now!!!.thats great am losing weight and doing lots more.......... Think. Fancy a few drinks on holiday say with a BBQ but that would be it, I can't believe actually how much better I feel and now feel that I can take it or leave forever,weird,
I have plans ( applied to college too!,,,)will tackle the thing with father at some point but gonna enjoy the sunshine a bit first......not even dreading Easter hols as my energy levels are great..........why haven't I done this sooner!,,,,

[suntansally]

Aaaagh help holding a glass of red in hand- it's too late I am going to drink it,falling off the wagon a little,I don't know why,I don't want to be drunk but feel like I need knocking out a bit,my anxiety has been better,actually I have been numbed by my anti depressants I have realised,it's quite nice......I have lost my positivity ATM, couple of tough days and DH leaning on me a bit too much considering it's the school hols,feel like he's another child ATM.only a few more days to get through then we go away for this holiday,feeling a bit lonely I think