Need to become teetotal for a good future, advice needed?

[minipoppet]

I have posted under the' general health' section but really this could come under so many categories,relationships,sex life etc.
I have bee a heavy drinker since the age of 18 and am now nearly 40,I have had yet another 'heavy weekend' in terms of alcohol use.
I am not sure but think I am alcohol dependant rather than an alcoholic?but tell me is there really a difference?thing is I don't drink daily and don't NEED a drink,haven't drank during any of my pregnancies at all but drink more often than not.I even manage not to drink in front of the children as they are fairly young and always in bed early.

I am very happy in my home life and have a wonderful DH who never ever complains about my drinking but I know it does worry him but only in terms of my own safety when I am out and my long term health.
For me unfortunately there is no 'off' button,not only in drinking but in anything I do just lately I have been too drunk every time I drink because I feel as if I am going to run out if time to drink and cram it all in one go.
I drink if I am sad ,when I celebrate I will always find an excuse.

Can anyone advise me on trying the teetotal thing for a bit,it's so daunting because in my mind I have always drank and to be honest find the thought of not doing so scary and frankly boring to a point.
I can see though that there could be great reasons not to keep doing this to myself and DH,I think our lives could be far more fulfilled but I am in a rut,maybe a counsellor?????( I tried to attend AA) a long time ago but I feel I certainly didn't fit in! I was young looked well and stood out like a sore thumb! What to I do , where to start......so difficult.I haven't told DH as I feel this would just give me room to disappoint,I need to decide how to approach it first as it is such a big change for me!

[livelablove]

minipoppet well done on recognising you have a problem. My dh is like you and gave up drinking because he felt he would not be able to stop once he started, although he wasn't addicted in the usual sense, but for him it had to be all or nothing. I actually met him after he gave up and I don't drink myself so I liked him being teetotal. I have never drunk much I was put off by my stepfather being alcoholic.

I would say that social situations will be difficult if they are places where everyone drinks, like a pub. Places where some don't drink are easier. If your social life involves going out and drinking, it will be hard for you as you will miss it plus get pressure from friends to have just one drink and then one more. You may need to make a big change to avoid this type of outing.

At home you will find it easier the support of your dh so talk it over. You need something nice to replace a glass of wine. Not something addictive but something nice to do that you enjoy. Maybe a buddy to encourage each other would help.

I really support you in taking action now, before you become badly addicted. If you carry on much longer as you are you might easily become more strongly addicted. Also there are health problems with heavy drinking of course. All this can have a terrible effect on your family as I mentioned about my stepfather. So best of luck and lots of love from me.

[bishbashboosh]

well done for addressing this, i drink too much too but limit myself to half a bottle of wine usually every evening :-(

[minipoppet]

Hi struggling 100 well ,for me I drink a bottle of wine say 3 days per week and then on one day of the weekend this can increase to 2 bottles and a late night which is stupid with the children around really as I often end up tired and irritable!If we go out say on average once every few months then I simply drink until I can hardly stand or until we have to get home, this is never later than 1am.embarrasing for DH really although he never says and like you say it's the culture,I never feel like I completely stand out much different from the people we are with, most of my friends drink regularly,I don't know though if anyone has the issue with alcohol like I do.
It does feel like th e right time to think about this approach whilst I have everything in life to be grateful for.

[mawbroon]

I have been teetotal for 9 years now.

I left home at 17 with cripplingly low self esteem and used drink to help me socialise as I found that really difficult.

I had a hobby/job that involved being around drink and pubs and never really had to buy much drink, it was all bought for me. Ha ha, sounds dodgy!

I drank to excess for too many years. I knew that I had to give up completely, but I could never seem to do it. I would sometimes do a month where I decided not to drink, I could do it no bother for the month but then slip right back into it when the month was over.

I think being pregnant meant that I wasn't stopping for myself, but for the baby. I really do believe that my low self esteem was stopping me allowing myself to take care of my health. Does that make sense?

I didn't intend to stop forever after the birth, but I went off the idea completely and the thought of baby and hangover didn't appeal. I can't do moderation in anything, so I know that this has to be forever now, or I'll slip right back to where I was.

It is bloody hard to do, but in my experience, it is SO worth doing.

[mrsnec]

Well done to everyone who's changed their habits. Op I think it's a great start that you recognise the problem before anyone else has. I think you'll be fine and I want to wish you the best.let us know how you get on.

[minipoppet]

Well am quite proud of myself,day 9 now alcohol free completely!so far it has been fin as I went into it with a positive mind set,a huge Thank you to all you on here for your support this far because it definitely made it easier,think I felt so alone before.
Well the 9 days has been ok so far ,only encompassed 1 weekend because I was rat arsed last sat when the 9 days began,the weather has definitely helped and I do feel a lot better and even look better for it already.I am going to read a book as recommended and see how things go,I also plan to pick my excersise up a bit to help.I do have a party next weekend that I have been invited to and I think I am ready to try it sober, In a strange wayI would like to see what drunk people are like because I haven't done much of that,will be great to wake up next day with a fresh head!!lets hope I can keep this up xxxxx

[meringuesnowflakes33]

Go back to AA
Maybe you will identify this time
Look for the similarities not the differences

[meringuesnowflakes33]

Cross posted, well done on your 9 days sober! Keep it up & don't be afraid to reach out for help x

[minipoppet]

And yes maw toon,I h never thought it before but I let home too at that age and thought I was quite confident,maybe it has been the drink talking?The decision with not drinking has come along side another big decision in my life,I am having a 'break' from my father,love him too much to cut him out completely but that has been 6 months now,he seemed to have this ability to make me feel worthless so I am having a break,feel empowered so was ready too to face the world sober!!at last maybe a few straight forward few years where I can give 100% to my family,well maybe 98% may save 2% for myself xxxxthanksagain

[mrsnec]

Brilliant news op, let us know how you get on at the party.

[minipoppet]

Meringue snowflake I would consider AA but will try first in here, books and summer weather,think the need to change has overpowered the desire at long last.my new family are everything to me so they need me to set them good examples too xxxx

[LadyBumps]

Morning! Congratulations on your 9 days mini . That's a great start and you are past the hardest part (making the decision to stop).

I stopped drinking in January and haven't looked back. I feel a million times better about myself, I'm sleeping better, eating better, exercising more & I just LIKE myself again .

Some practical things that have worked for me so far:
-bought myself a pretty glass for my new 'treat' drinks, and I always make sure I've got ice & a slice so that it feels special and not boring
-at home I drink Belvoir lime & lemongrass cordial & tonic, or elferflower & soda. Delicious for a post-work, during-cooking drink.
-at the pub I drink Becks Blue, lime & tonic, cranberry & soda, Diet coke, ginger beer or mocktails. This stops me from getting bored of the same old, same old drink all night
-the time I miss alcohol the most is 'date night' with DH so we do other things now, like cinema, badminton, long walk, late-night shopping, lovely meal out etc

• I'm making a point of noticing & enjoying the things I can now do again, eg, reading at bedtime, taking care of my skin, exercising in the morning, driving to more interesting places for a night out. I'm trying to show myself that rather than 'giving up' something, my change of habits has actually allowed me to 'take up' lots of things that I really enjoy.

-I've set myself the target of a year alcohol-free. This is so that I do one of everything (birthdays, Christmas, holidays etc) booze-free & form some new traditions. This sits well with me because I hope to enjoy alcohol in moderation at some point in the future, but I know I need to have a significant time off. I'm hoping that once I've done a year, I miss it is little that I don't bother starting again

• If I'm struggling & really fancy a drink (only happened twice, I feared it would be every day!) I just resolve not to drink THAT day. One day at a time.

Hope some of those might help. Keep going, you can do it & you won't regret it x

[meringuesnowflakes33]

Good luck MiniPoppet stay in touch :)

[recall]

www.soberrecovery.com

I stopped drinking completely over a year ago, and used to go on this site. There is a chat room which is great, and full of people to support you, and because it is international, there seems to be someone there 24 hours. I used to go in there when I was desperately trying bot to have a drink and they would talk to me until the craving passed.

[RolandRatsHat]

Lady bumps, great post. The book 'the sober revolution; calling time on wine o clock' is also great.
Doing well op!

[minipoppet]

Well Monday was difficult with the children and started to think omg I will have to try and relax without wine but have just been going to bed at the moment and trying to get completely absorbed into tv for distraction,I have found my energy levels soar!!!!i have been getting up early and staying up late.for now it still seems a positive outlook,still have the party Saturday to try and survive.
On Wednesday night to beat the stressing ran 5km which I haven't done in a while it felt great onwards and upwards.....

[LadyBumps]

Wow, you're doing brilliantly mini AND a 5k run!! Impressive.

Re: planning for your party, I had a 40th about 2 weeks in with all my fave drinking pals! I was worried about it so I got my game head on. I wore my most flattering outfit so that I wasn't feeling anxious about that, and pre-arranged to drive & give lifts so that I had that safety net of people relying on me to get home, in case I was over-powered by the temptation to booze!

I was nervous for the first hour or so (and I've come to realise that social anxiety was a big trigger for my previous daft drinking) but just gritted my teeth and tried to survive the small talk. Before I knew it, I'd really relaxed and found myself actually making an effort to get to know some new people, instead of just worrying about my next drink, which felt like a major breakthrough! I stayed out until 2am, had a good old dance (somewhat more self-consciously sober but at least I didn't fall off my shoes & sprain my ankle that night!) and I can truthfully say that I felt so proud of myself the next morning, waking up hangover-free & happy.

I type all that in the hope that some of it might be helpful...the big 'levers' for me were feeling good about how I looked so that I went in in a positive frame of mine (shallow, moi?!) and driving.

Another thing that has helped me to keep the costs & benefits in perspective is to mentally 'rate' out of 10 how much distress I've felt about not being able to drink. It has genuinely been about 2-disappointed I couldn't look forward to a drink or 3-frustrated that I have to 'work' harder to relax. Compare that to my previous daily: 8-I drank too much last night again & now I'm awake at 5am with palpitations, feeling sick & horridly hungover, 9-panic, I can't remember what I did last night. Hope I didn't upset anyone/lose anything/make a total prat of myself or 10-my liver is throbbing, I'm damaging my health & my kids & husband deserve so much better than this.

I hope that you too continue to find that the benefits far outweigh the costs, and that you have a great time at the party. You can do it!

[LadyBumps]

Wow, you're doing brilliantly mini AND a 5k run!! Impressive.

Re: planning for your party, I had a 40th about 2 weeks in with all my fave drinking pals! I was worried about it so I got my game head on. I wore my most flattering outfit so that I wasn't feeling anxious about that, and pre-arranged to drive & give lifts so that I had that safety net of people relying on me to get home, in case I was over-powered by the temptation to booze!

I was nervous for the first hour or so (and I've come to realise that social anxiety was a big trigger for my previous daft drinking) but just gritted my teeth and tried to survive the small talk. Before I knew it, I'd really relaxed and found myself actually making an effort to get to know some new people, instead of just worrying about my next drink, which felt like a major breakthrough! I stayed out until 2am, had a good old dance (somewhat more self-consciously sober but at least I didn't fall off my shoes & sprain my ankle that night!) and I can truthfully say that I felt so proud of myself the next morning, waking up hangover-free & happy.

I type all that in the hope that some of it might be helpful...the big 'levers' for me were feeling good about how I looked so that I went in in a positive frame of mine (shallow, moi?!) and driving.

Another thing that has helped me to keep the costs & benefits in perspective is to mentally 'rate' out of 10 how much distress I've felt about not being able to drink. It has genuinely been about 2-disappointed I couldn't look forward to a drink or 3-frustrated that I have to 'work' harder to relax. Compare that to my previous daily: 8-I drank too much last night again & now I'm awake at 5am with palpitations, feeling sick & horridly hungover, 9-panic, I can't remember what I did last night. Hope I didn't upset anyone/lose anything/make a total prat of myself or 10-my liver is throbbing, I'm damaging my health & my kids & husband deserve so much better than this.

I hope that you too continue to find that the benefits far outweigh the costs, and that you have a great time at the party. You can do it!

[minipoppet]

Thank you so much lady bumps for your support,At the moment I am thinking of not going to the party to save a bit of money but on the other hand now you put it like that I may like to get out for a bit!yes my exercise will be brilliant for me so will continue with that too,my will power is looking after me at the moment.i had some great news in the week that I can go to study full time in sept,so this has really given me a positive frame of mind.I hadn't realised how linked to my relationship with my father my drinking was,it's really weird but I feel like that was probably the last thing left of me that he could frown on- I want to succeed without his guidance/input so I have cut him out for a bit,I asked him for a 'break' and since doing so I feel I can soar!!

[LadyBumps]

Great news about your course, there's nothing like a new challenge to help keep you on track & motivated. Congratulations. What will you be studying?

It sounds like you are gaining huge insights into why you drank & how that links with your relationship with your Dad. Knowledge is power and all that, so I hope that your increased understanding helps you to pursue your new lifestyle.

Whatever you decide about the party, to go & not drink, or not to go, either is an achievement so you deserve a pat on the back. And nearly 2 weeks sober, brilliant

[LadyBumps]

Or is it 2 weeks today? I can't do the bunch of flowers pic on my phone but imagine it here _

[minipoppet]

Hi ladybumps,I didn't go to the party couldn't get a sitter anyway so that helped solve that issue,it's strange because I had kind of started to fancy it sober but there will be a next time!I am going to Perdue my nurse training as That has always been my dream,I am so excited that I will be able to use my brain again after many years 'out'.Thanks for your support (and flowers)my father sent a mail asking to see us, I explained that I wasn't ready yet so I hope he accepts that for a while longer,I need the headspace.

[minipoppet]

Help holiday with friends in a few weeks......... What to do,?????

[mrsnec]

Hi mini,

Sounds like you're doing really well. Holiday sounds great where are you off to? I think it depends on how much the others are drinking as to how much it'll effect you so try and steer the activities away from ones where drinking might be involved. I've said before that it happened to me and I just went to bed early with a book but that was also because the drunken conversations were more political arguments which bore me had I have been interested I might have been able to join in sober! But on that holiday I,like you,had found more energy so I loved being able to get up before everyone else and go for a swim when the beach was empty. I'm sure you'll be fine.

[minipoppet]

Ladybumps can I ask if it gets easier?are you planning to stay sober indefinitely or was it a break that you have planned?either way well done to you too you really sound as if you have got to grips with this 'thing'.
It's great too that you can offer words of positivity,I hope that I too will be able to do this for others one day!I think that my will power is keeping me going still and luckily my DH understands what a bad habit I had got myself into,it's really strange even just this short time it feels great.Far easier than I thought,(so far) mind you will I struggle with bbq's - let's hope not!!