Fuckity fuck. Test results back. Herpes. Please someone help!

[FreckledLeopard]

So, as well as going through a divorce, having H move out, having friend move in, finding out that I will be jobless from September and not knowing what secondary school DD is going to be going to because I don't know if I'll have a job or where future job may be, I have just been called with test results from STI test last week and I have herpes.

Had some weird, small, painful spots/lesions on labia, went to clinic, they swabbed, it's herpes. Am not in a position to be able to find out much more right now as can't call and grill doctors as am at work. I don't know how I have it. Not sure if it's from a cold sore and oral sex in the past, whether it's lay dormant in my system for years and then sprung up owing to huge stress now or what. I feel so tainted and ashamed. Also mortified by the thought of having to disclose this to future sexual partners. Worried about any future pregnancies I may have. Overall, totally, totally gutted.

Symptoms themselves are fairly mild and spots almost gone. But how often does it recur? Is it always milder in subsequent episodes?

Someone please come and reassure me!

[AuntFini]

I've got it as well, got it from DP from dormant coldsore. Don't worry, it's not a big deal- I think people who don't have it are more bothered than those of us that do. Nobody is ashamed of a coldsore!

Also you'd be surprised how many people have it.

[lisaro]

this came up a couple of years ago (following on from something else) during a frank (alcohol fuelled) discussion with colleagues. One person told us she'd got it and we discussed it. When she was in the loo someone mentioned being not shocked, but taken aback by the admission of it and we were all mystified by her attitude. So as for feeling 'dirty' - don't. If that conversation was indicative of attitudes, then 10/12 worldly wise bags have shown that it's not seen by most people as you seem to think.

[DyedInTheWool]

PLEASE PLEASE don't even worry it's not a big deal. It's just like coldsores on your mouth. A doctor told me zovirax etc are fine to use on them (even tho it says on label you can't) DON'T STRESS! you do need to tell the midwife if you're pregnant tho.

[NorthernGobshite]

I don't think you're going to get answers to some of these; you may never know where it came from. It is transmitted either through sex with someone who has it or through oral sex with soeone with the coldsore strain of the virus.

BlueSKy - if it's laying 'dormant' in him then it's been dormant for a LONG time. I worked out last night that I have had it for 15 years.

[FreckledLeopard]

Ahead of my follow-up appointment at clinic tomorrow where I can ask lots of questions, is my herpes definitely sexually transmitted (e.g. oral or regular sex?) If it's been dormant in my body before, and has now flared up, would I still have to have had sexual contact with someone carrying the virus at some point in the past?

Also, since this is my first outbreak and hasn't been too painful, does this mean that it's more likely the virus has been in my body for a while? Or does it make no difference?

[BlueSkySoftSand]

NGS I've never passed it on either - but then perhaps it can lay dormant in your partner for some time before an outbreak??

[NorthernGobshite]

Freckledleopard Try not to worry about disclosing to new partners. When you meet someone and get to know them, if this puts them off then they weren't that great in the first place. I think you'd be surprised how many people have/have had STD's.

[NorthernGobshite]

Hmmm, well I have read the various sites since gingerchick and coffeeandcake posted and it DOES say it can be spread when there is not an outbreak. My dh has never caught it from me in the many many years I have had it.

I am fairly sure you can't be imprisoned for giving someone herpes, that's just ludicrous. I know there have been court cases about HIV but not herpes.

[gingerchick]

You can catch it at any time I'm afraid not just when you have an OB any internet site on herpes will tell you this

[coffeeandcake]

i may be wrong, and i really hope that i am, but i have a feeling even though you may feel fine, the virus can pop up at any time and be passed on. i think you're more contagious prior to getting an outbreak, as well.
And, there is an offence of knowingly passing on a disease to someone - there was a bloke jailed for giving herpes to his girlfriend last year. (It was on the Jeremy Vine show, so it MUST be true .)
If anyone in MN land finds out the definitive answer, please can they post? i would love to be proved wrong and save myself any future embarrassment!

[RabbitsMakeBrownEggs]

Yeah, I've never been worried about passing it on unless there was a blister there to pass it on with.

[NorthernGobshite]

Not to put too finer point on it, it is the liquid from the blisters (sores) that carries the virus. Just like a cold sore.

[NorthernGobshite]

Yes, definitely.
My dh has not caught it from me in the 10 years + I have had it. There is a lot of good information out there on herpes. Ask the GU clinic for some, don't google as only madness lies there!

[BlueSkySoftSand]

Yep

[FreckledLeopard]

NorthernGobshite - is it definitely only contagious during a flare up?

[RabbitsMakeBrownEggs]

Caught this as a teenager as I didn't realise it was transferable from mouth to genitals, silly really.

Have had that one occasion and despite many periods of extreme stress and illness, have avoided any further outbreaks in the past thirteen years, so it needn't be the end of the world, and it certainly isn't dirty or something to be ashamed of, it's an illness... I was never ashamed of a cold sore on the mouth, I give this the same worth.

[coffeeandcake]

i have it. i have had it for ten years, but haven't seen it for the last 5 or 6 years.
i have had sexual partners since diagnosis (my exhusband and i came out in symptoms togther, so we don't know where it came from). you DO have to inform new partners. i would do it by getting to know someone new really, really well before sleeping with them, and then, usually i would blurt it out just prior to sex and hand them the condoms. not a very elegant disclosure, but because I had built up a relationship with them first it turned out ok. enoucrage them to do their own research as well. my current bf chooses to have unprotected sex with me, but that was after i'd made sure he new the facts.

[BlueSkySoftSand]

NorthernGobshite thank you - there is a stigma because it is down there, but it is just another virus.

[BlueSkySoftSand]

(though guess it's not something one shares with others, so who knows who may have it)

Not exactly a chat-up line, no!

I do still feel dirty about it, but you just learn not to think about it that much and just give a little shudder at the odd herpes jokes in American films, and so on.

[NorthernGobshite]

As for feeling dirty, I felt the same at first. But really, just because it's on your genitals does that make you dirty? It's just another illness. Try to shake those thoughts, they don't help x

[NorthernGobshite]

I have had herpes for over 10 years after getting it through oral sex with dh. Doh!

It flared up quite regularly for first year or so but now it appears rarely. I have got good at spotting the signs - tingly thighs and achey legs for me. I have had to have time off work in past and GP just wrote 'virus' on sick note, no big deal. The medication is effective; go to GU clinic and get the tablets and also a huge tube of novocaine gel which you should slather on regularly, especially before having a wee. If you establish relationship with them, and if you have flare upos regualrly, they will just give you meds without an 'examination' every time. I had to have exam last time as hadn't been in so long. If your symptoms are mild, that's good as usually first episode is worst.

Herpes is painful, it's embarrassing but it's not the end of the world. dh has never contracted genital herpes from me, as we know it's contagious. Cool baths, cotton pants, wee-ing in the shower...all help when you're sore.

I worried about childbirth too but didn't have any flare ups during pregnancy. Was honest with midwife from day 1 and she reassureed me that c-section would be given if needed.

As for future partners, I haven't had to consider that. But tbh, if I did, I just wouldn't tell them as unless you are in a flare up it is not contagious. My friends don't know, they don't need to.

[SilverSword]

Please FreckledLeopard, you mustn't feel like you are dirty or worth less just because you have herpes. Last time I checked, you were still human .
And weren't any less because you have herpes. .

About the support, you're very welcome. Glad I could help put some of those fears to rest.

[FreckledLeopard]

Thank you so much for support SilverSword and BlueSkySoftSand. I wish I knew how I got it but guess I'll never know. Am terrified of meeting someone nice in the future and having to say, 'oh, by the way, I have herpes'.

Current outbreak is definitely not so bad as other people seem to have had, from descriptions I've read. Maybe five or six very small sores in all and I haven't had to have cold baths or any kind of painkiller. So hoping that this is as bad as it will ever get.

I feel so, so, dirty though. And feel like there's such a stigma. I don't know anyone in RL with herpes (though guess it's not something one shares with others, so who knows who may have it).